- Need proof that the world’s most ginormous losers reside on eBay? Look no further than the idiots involved in buying and selling a corn flake shaped like the state for Illinois on the popular web auction site for $1,350. The state-shaped flake was found and sold by two sisters from Virginia, with Melissa McIntire speaking on behalf of herself and her sister after the sale. “We were biting our nails all the way up to the finish, seeing what would happen,” she explained. The pathetic dork/winner of the auction runs a trivia website and hopes to make the cornflake part of a traveling museum for people with no lives and no friends. Monty Kerr of Austin, Tex. (you’re right, Texans, everything really IS bigger in Texas, because this guy is the biggest loser I’ve heard of in a long time) says he’s starting a collection of pop culture items and felt that this piece of cereal was a fantastic add. Keep telling yourself that, Monty, because you obviously need everything you can find to divert your attention from the pathetic, loser existence you lead. Now let’s please move on before I’m forced to repatriate myself and move to Europe just to avoid being a citizen of the same country as people like M. Kerr….
- I tell you, I just don’t get the beef prisoners in Vermont have with the über-tasty treat known as nutraloaf. The Vermont Supreme Court is hearing a class action lawsuit by prisoners this week claiming that the nutraloaf served to certain misbehaving inmates is cruel and unusual punishment and that inmates should be subjected to a formal disciplinary process before being subjected to what I had always known as a mighty tasty treat. Nutraloaf is a mixture of cubed whole wheat bread, non-dairy cheese, raw carrots, spinach, seedless raisins, beans, vegetable oil, tomato paste, powdered milk and dehydrated potato flakes. I don’t know about you, but I got hungry just writing that last sentence. What a pleasant cornucopia of foods and such a delightfully unique combination! Prison officials call it full meal in one neat package, but I just call it a treat for the taste buds. These ungrateful prison inmates are really out of line, trying to complain about receiving something so amazing. Back in 1988, a federal judge in Michigan ruled that the use of nutraloaf was punishment, but I’d like to think that we’ve come a long way in the past 20 years. I urge the Supreme Court in Vermont to reject this lawsuit and allow nutraloaf to be given out freely and liberally. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go finish some leftover nutraloaf I’ve been meaning to get to…..
- Stephen Malkmus has always been a great force and influence on the music world because he’s never been focused on going mainstream and making music that will get him welcomed into the popular, standardized segment of the industry. His work as a member of the band Pavement in the ‘80s and ‘90s was notoriously anti-rock in sentiment and was marked by powerful, introspective lyrics that were headed in a thousand different directions and seemingly bound by no normal conventions. Since Pavement ended its run as a pioneer in the world of Punk, Malkmus has done his own thing as a solo act, sometimes supported by a band known as the Jicks. These past seven years, he’s put out four albums on his own, each of them slightly more intense and focused. His latest, Real Emotional Trash, dropped this week and it’s a great listen. Songs like Hopscotch Willie, Emotional Trash and Cold Son are marked by meandering lyrics, strong guitar solos and a tempo that strikes a good balance between super-fast and too slow. Janet Weiss, former drummer of alt-rockers Sleater-Kinney, joins the Jicks on the drums for this album and her contributions are solid as well. At times the lyrics may be hard to follow, but if you make the effort to push past some of the misunderstandings, you’ll find a great album that keeps one of the more underappreciated careers in rock n’ roll going strong.
- Well, that’s settled. I won't be watching the ESPYs this year. I already held a strong despisal for self-important, self-congratulatory awards shows, but ESPN has found a way to take those shows and make them oh, so much worse. The network has announced that former man-bander Justin Timberlake, a man who sings like a weasel that has just ingested a ginormous tank of helium and been blasted in the package, will host the 16th annual ESPY Awards on July 20. Right, because I can't think of anything that says toughness, testosterone and hardcore competition like a guy who spent years frosting his tips, wearing matching outfits, dancing in unison with four other dudes and lip-syncing to über-awful pop music. Predictably, Timberlake is excited, as is pretty much anyone who gets a great opportunity that they don’t deserve. “I'm very excited to be hosting the 16th edition of the ESPYs. I can't wait for the day of the show as I'm truly a sports junkie,” Timberlake said. “Since the last ESPYs, there have been amazing moments in sports and I'm looking forward to recapping all of them with ESPN's diehard fans.” No, man bander, you won't be recapping them for this sports fan. You can take your Michael Jackson rip-off act elsewhere, because you most definitely do not represent the sports world that I love and follow. Being a member of a man band like O’Sync Degrees Boys or whatever group you were in basically disqualifies you from ever being considered for a single manly, masculine or sports-related post in my world. Much like being a convicted felon follows you around for the rest of your life even after you get out of prison, being a convicted member of a man band is a scarlet letter you cannot escape. So bad choice, ESPN, maybe you’ll do better in 2009…..
- Working in the kitchen can be hazardous. Lots of heat, things of different textures, temperatures and consistencies flying around, sharp objects and the like. Now you can add flying bullets to the list of kitchen hazards. No, I’m not talking about cooking with your favorite NBA or NFL player, which invariably would involve a minimum of five handguns. I’m referring to an incident at the Zurich Classic of New Orleans involving celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme. While setting up his cooking tent Tuesday morning at the golf tournament in Gretna, La., Prudhomme felt a sting on his right arm, just above the elbow. Initially he thought it was a bee sting, but after taking a look at his shirt sleeve, he discovered a .22 caliber bullet. Police deputies believe Prudhomme was hit by a falling bullet, probably shot about 9:30 a.m. Tuesday from somewhere within a 1 ½-mile radius of the golf course, according to Col. John Fortunato of the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office. No medical attention was required and within five minutes, P. Prudhomme was back to cooking. He did have a hole in his white chef’s coat, but that’s more of a bonus than anything. A war wound like that scores big points with the ladies, for sure. I’m not sure I’d be so eager to hang around and keep cooking if I were in his shoes, even if it was just a superficial wound. Bullets falling from the sky usually equates to me vacating the premises. Where the frak is this tournament being played, anyhow? In rural Louisiana or on a street corner in Compton? Try to keep from shooting visitors, Louisiana, it doesn’t exactly boost tourism when people leave your city or state with bullet holes in their body.
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