Baseball in D.C., gun problems and Pa. support for B.O.

- Here’s hoping a sparkling new stadium is enough to jump start baseball in the nation’s capital. The Washington Nationals have been playing in D.C. for three years now, occupying the stodgy, rotting rat hole that is RFK Stadium. It’s a park not designed for baseball, not really for any sport you’d like to enjoy as a fan or player actually, but definitely not for baseball. When the franchise now known as the Nationals (formerly the Montreal Expos) relocated from Canada, the hope was that leaving a place where the locals were totally and completely apathetic to the franchise (crowds of 5,000 were actually considered good nights in Montreal’s Olympic Stadium) and putting it into a thriving metropolis like Washington, D.C. would be the shot of adrenaline that the Expos/Nationals needed. That hasn’t happened, mostly because the team has been mired in last place in the National League East and playing inside the aforementioned crap hole of a stadium. The latter part of that equation has changed with the team moving in the awesome Nationals Park, a spacious new abode for the team that should buy it a 2-3 year reprieve from fans in spite of subpar play. A new stadium buys those years of goodwill because people are taken in by a shiny new venue, eager to attend a game there and willing to overlook poor play on the field for a short time. After those 2-3 years, the novelty wears off and a sucky team won't draw in spite of a nearly new stadium, so the Nats need to improve their play as well or this will be just a temporary fix. But a 41,888-seat stadium (a nice, round number) located two miles southwest of Capitol Hill should be a great draw for a young team that has talent but isn’t ready to contend yet.  The four restaurants three stores and 78 luxury boxes are tucked inside a geometrically simple, sleek modern ballpark that bucks the trend of recent new stadiums in MLB being built in a retro, throwback style. Last night, in the park’s official opening game, the Nats defeated the Atlanta Braves 3-2, starting off a new chapter of their history in Washington in style with a walk-off home run by stud third baseman Ryan Zimmerman. For the sake of baseball fans in D.C., I hope this year’s team exceeds expectations and gives them something to cheer about after the luster of their new stadium fades.

 

- I’m glad I came across this bit of news before the cops discovered my own illegal stash of machine guns. Boy, would that have been embarrassing. Thankfully rapper T.I., whose real name is Clifford Harris (what, Clifford isn’t a good rap name, you need to go with T.I.?) has shown us all that having that kind of cache of illegal weapons is a bad idea. Actually, that’s not fair. Not only did T.I. have those illegal machine guns, he also had the silencers to go with them. Either he was planning an all-out, Jack Bauer-like raid on a foreign embassy or my man C. Harris is just not smart. It’s one thing if you want to have your 9mm or maybe even a hunting rifle, those are bad choices but not even close to being on the same level as having a stockpile of machine guns and silencers. Police seized the weapons and Harris has since plead guilty to charges of possession of unregistered machine guns and silencers, unlawful possession of machine guns and possession of firearms by a convicted felon. In weapons-possession circles, that’s referred to as hitting the trifecta. Under the terms of his plea agreement, T.I. will perform 1,000 hours of community service by speaking to youth groups about the dangers of drugs, guns and gangs and once those 1,000 hours are completed, he will report back to the judge in his case for sentencing to time in jail. Currently, he’s set to spend a year behind bars, but after he’s done with his community service that sentence could be shortened or lengthened, depending on a variety of factors. Now if anyone knows a good way to dispose of a s**tload of machine guns, silencers, land mines, hand grenades and rocket launchers, would you please shoot me an email so I don’t end up in jail sharing a cell with T.I……

 

- Welcome aboard the B.O. bandwagon, Pennsylvania Sen. Bob Casey! With your state’s primary fast approaching and its 158 delegates up for grab, now is the time for all of us to bind together as Americans and do whatever we can to avert the travesty that a Hank Clinton run for the White House would be. So thank you, Sen. Casey, for doing your part by publicly announcing your support for my main man Barack Obama. Political pundits believe that the endorsement will help Obama with white, working-class voters and personally, I hope so. Black, white, Asian, Hispanic, Indian…we all need to be against Hank Clinton. That dude is a confirmed liar, a vitriolic femi-Nazi and scary as heck. As of right now, polls show Clinton with a solid lead in the state, so the endorsement Sen. Casey is a big “get” for Obama and for all Americans. Casey’s father is a popular former governor of the state, so that’s a plus as well. Clinton’s only hope to salvage a win in this election is to crush Obama in Pennsylvania and every other major state left on the primary schedule. If she falls short of that on April 22 in the Keystone State, we can all avoid weeks or sweating out the final few primaries and sticking those last pins into our Hank Clinton voodoo dolls…that isn’t just me, is it? Moving on…..

 

- Hmm…no. That was my thought process when it came to a request from the Material Skank, a.k.a. Madonna, that everyone leave Britney Spears alone and stop ripping her for things like failing to show up for child custody hearings, shaving her head like a deranged lunatic and leaving her home without underwear on regularly. “They need to step off,” whined the MS. Step off? Way to pick up “hip” phrases that were cool about five years ago, Material Skank. Even more amusing is the fact that the MS says her 11-year-old daughter Lourdes feels the same way. Oh, so the pre-teen daughter of some slutty pop singer thinks that everyone needs to be nicer to Brit, so we’ll all comply….or not. How ‘bout this, MS: Britney stops acting like a mental patient on crack and starts remembering to leave her house fully dressed, attends court-mandated custody hearings and ceases her alcoholic ways and then we’ll all stop making fun of her, how’s that? One coherent appearance on some hack CBS half-hour comedy show doesn’t confirm that she’s back on the right track, sorry MS.

 

- This is one of those concessions that appears great on the surface, but when you dig deeper it’s not as wonderful as it seems. New Cuban dictator/president Ramon Castro has reversed a policy upheld by his despotic brother Fidel, allowing ordinary Cuban citizens the right to have cell phone service. That right had previously been restricted to a select few in the Communist island nation, but Ramon is looking to extend a hollow olive branch to the masses in the hopes that it will quell demand for other larger reforms. Why is this such a hollow act? Stop and ask yourself this: can the majority of Cubans afford cell phones? These people can’t afford basic necessities like food, clothing and a decent place to live much of the time, but they’re going to have the cash to spring for a Razor, iPhone or Chocolate? It would take the average Cuban a year to afford just the phone, let alone the monthly fees. It’s like giving free Internet to a person living in the Amazonian jungle: meaningless. Unless the Cuban government suddenly becomes extremely munificent and also agrees to provide subsidies to people looking to sign up for cell service, this gesture is every bit as empty and meaningless as it seems. The more things change…..the more Cuba is still a heartless, Commie dictatorship that oppresses its citizens early and often.

Corruption abroad, Argentinian riots and NCAA Tournament blues

- Way to go, Argentinean farmers. These guys have had enough of their government’s proposed tax hikes on export crops and dammit, they’re doing something about it. First, the farmers went on strike, always a solid first step in your crusade against The Man. Refusing to produce any more of valuable crops that your country needs both for its own use and for export tends to get people’s attention. But the farmers didn’t stop there; in fact, they were just getting started. As the strike headed into its third tension-filled week, the farmers built highway blockades on some of the most important roads through Argentina’s agricultural heartland. One of the country biggest exporters of beef, soybeans and wheat has been all but crippled by the strike, which means it’s having its desired effect. The barricades resulted in massive backups and fisticuffs at at least one location, also a positive. Adding violence and social unrest to the mix, another vital ingredient in any good social dissidence. I’ll be looking for some riots, property destruction and maybe a march or two on the nation’s capital to complete a successful uprising, Argentinean farmers, but so far, so good.

 

- Overall, this NCAA Tournament weekend has been horrifically bad, with very few good games. Only the continued, improbable run of underdog Davidson and the scintillating Xavier-West Virginia overtime game in the Sweet 16 saved us from a total lost weekend of hoops. Consider the fact that of the eight Sweet 16 games, seven were decided by double-digit margins. Of those seven, six were decided by margins of 17 points or more. In other words, there were far too many blowouts for a round this deep in the tournament. Yes, games like UCLA-Western Kentucky were close until 6-7 minutes left, but did anyone really get the sense that WKU was going to surge back and win? For the most part, too many of these games were like the Michigan State-Memphis game, a contest that saw Memphis bolt to a 50-20 halftime lead and render the second half of a primetime game meaningless. I don’t know that there’s a solution to this, because regardless of how you match teams up to begin the tournament, at some point teams that advance 2-3 rounds begin to play one another. Let’s hope this was just an anomaly, a spike in the number of bad matchups that exacerbated flaws and shortcomings in particular teams. Maybe teams like Stanford (20-point loss), Michigan State (18-point loss) and Washington State (21-point loss) just came up against teams that were the absolute worst possible matchup for them at that time. As a college basketball fan, I have to hope that because this is my favorite time of year and seeing it have a down year would just make the entire sports year as a whole a lot less appealing.

 

- From time to time, I give you Albums to Avoid (horrifically bad offerings from lame artists) and also great albums you should listen to, but I can't ever remember an album that fell into the gray area somewhere in between that I’ve mentioned here. That trend ends now, because the first new studio album in 16 years by the B-52s isn’t one that I’m really pumped about, but I’m not as dead set against it like I am against artists like Mary J. Blige, Fergie, Justin “Weasel on Helium” Timberlake, etc. The B-52s have their place in music as the quirky, fun, oddball, kitschy pop rockers responsible for hits like Love Shack and Roam. You don’t take them seriously as you do with artists like the Beatles, U2, the Clash, Ramones, etc., but you can’t totally disregard them either. So instead of giving a big thumbs up or thumbs down to Funplex, the group’s new album, I’ll just let you know that at midnight today, the cable TV network Logo will air a video for the album’s first single, the title track, on its NewNowNext Music show. B-52s members Fred Schneider and Kate Pierson will host the telecast and look to send their new project off with a bang. If their music is something you like, tune in and see what you think of their newest material. If not, no big loss…..

 

- I believe we may have found our first home built on a foundation of crap. Mary J. Blige (hey, didn’t I just rip her music a few sentences ago?), an R&B crooner whose ear-assaulting musical stylings have terrorized listeners for years, has used proceeds from her sales of E.B.M. (excruciatingly bad music) to purchase an 18,250-square-foot, $12.3 million mansion in a posh New Jersey neighborhood where luminaries such as Wyclef Jean, Ja Rule, Vince Carter and Danny Aiello live. On the backs of the poor, musically stupid souls who have bought her albums and attended her concerts, Blige will move into a home that includes amenities such as: a 14-seat movie theater, a fitness center, hardwood basketball court, gourmet kitchen, wine tasting room and eight bedrooms.” Amazingly, the home started out with a price tag of $17 million, then dropped to $13.9 million before Blige picked it up at $12.3 million. Just think what she would be able to afford if she actually made good music…..

 

- The top export for the United States just might be political corruption after all. We’re already famous for having morally bankrupt leaders such as Eliot Spitzer and Kwame Kilpatrick, not to mention past notables like Richard Nixon, Bill Clinton and our current leader W., men who think nothing of lying and distorting the truth to serve their own ends and trampling all over the Constitution if it helps them out. So it really should come as no surprise that a U.S. territory like Puerto Rico has its own leaders incorporating some of those same shady tactics into their own governing style. Gov. Anibal Acevedo Vila was charged Thursday with 19 criminal counts in a campaign finance probe, including but not limited to conspiracy to violate U.S. federal campaign laws and giving false testimony to the FBI. False testimony to the feds? Who does this guy think he is, a ‘roid-using, hall-of-fame MLB player (allegedly)? Included in the indictment were 12 other members of Vila’s Popular Democratic Party, all following a two-year sting operation and investigation. What makes this all the more interesting is that Vila is a superdelegate for the Democratic Party who has pledged his support for Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention later this year. Oops. Not really the kind of support you want, eh Barack? Adding a healthy dose of irony to the whole sitch is the fact that Vila was elected Puerto Rico’s governor in 2004 largely on the strength of an anti-corruption campaign. Apparently Anibal Acevedo Vila translates into English as “Eliot Spitzer.” Both ride law-abiding, anti-(insert criminal activity name here) campaigns into office, then are hit with criminal charges for those very crimes they crusaded against while in office. One solicits $1,000-per-hour hookers, one runs corrupt campaigns. So where did things go wrong for Vila? Well, prior to his stint as governor, he did serve as the island’s nonvoting delegate to Congress, so I think it’s safe to assume that the corrupting power of being around all of those lying, deceiving, law-breaking crooks on the Hill was what led him astray. Welcome to the political big time, Puerto Rico, a corrupt leader indicted while in office, you’re one of the big boys now.

A Texas-sized blunder, Hank Clinton lies and you can't spell Laguna Beach without DUI for one guitarist

- Add liar to the list of descriptions that are valid for the impending loser in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. Sen. Hank Clinton. A couple of days after claiming that she was qualified to serve as president because among other things, she had once faced danger by racing across a tarmac in Bosnia while avoiding sniper fire, Clinton was forced to admit that she fudged, er, misspoke when she made that claim. After CBS News footage showed her walking calmly across said tarmac in 1996, holding daughter Chelsea’s hand, Clinton went into full spin mode. She tried to smooth things over by saying that prior to landing at the airport that day, she was told the party would have to move quickly upon landing because of the “threat of sniper fire.” Damn, don’t you just hate it when video footage catches you in a lie, er, when you misspeak and totally “misremember” an event that you hoped would give a boost to your faltering presidential campaign? Sorry Hank, but you’ll have to find other ammo to bolster your campaign and carry you to victory in Pennsylvania in a few weeks. Oh, and you also have the added bonus of having to overcome to stigma of being a proven liar just weeks before that primary you so badly need to win.

- Brace yourself, America, because another head-in-the-sand denial about global warming should be forthcoming from the W. administration shortly. This week, a chunk of ice roughly the size of the island of Manhattan broke off of an Antarctic glacier, plunging into the icy waters below and adding yet another piece of evidence to the argument that global warming is not just the latest myth in the pattern of unicorns, minotaurs and the fact that Rosie O’Donnell actually has a functioning brain. Satellite imagery shows the dislodging and disintegration of the 160-square-mile ice chunk in western Antarctica, a development researches attribute to the effects of global warming. British scientist David Vaughan is among those pointing to global warming as the cause, and you can be sure he’s British because if he were an American scientist, someone from the W. administration would have already pressured and coerced him into changing his story and claiming that it was just a lot of obese polar bears jumping up and down on the top of the glacier that broke the chunk of ice loose. So thanks for having the decency to tell the truth, Brits, too bad our leaders over here aren’t so forthcoming.

- Mark it down, everybody. This is the first (and possibly last) time in recorded history that the French were the first to suggest an oppositional uprising of any kind. For a country that has made surrendering its national pastime, the Frenchies are showing a considerable amount of chutzpah this week with President Nikolas Sarkozy becoming the first world leader to admit that a boycott of the opening ceremony at the Summer Olympics in Beijing are possible if the current situation in Tibet doesn’t improve. Of course, leave it to a Frenchie to suggest only skipping the meaningless opening ceremonies, but it’s still more than leaders of other world powers such as Germany, Britain and the United States have been willing to do. Everyone wants to condemn what the Chinese are doing, but no one wants to actually take action against them. Our best move might be calling Jack Bauer, because he survived two years in a Chinese prison and prolonged torture without cracking in the interim between Seasons Five and Six in 24, but short of that, some actual testicular fortitude on the part of our political leaders will have to do. The Chinese obviously aren’t going to pull back from their heinous crackdown in Tibet, not if the two civilians killed during protests in a western Chinese province bordering Tibet on Tuesday are any indication. Man up, world leaders, and do the right thing for the people of Tibet. As an added bonus, you don’t even need to pull a W. and needlessly invade China or Tibet and start a never-ending war to do your part. Just join this boycott, it’s that simple.

- No longer is Laguna Beach known solely as the place that spawned the “acting” careers of people like Stephen Colletti, Lauren Conrad and Kristin Cavalleri thanks to MTV’s oh, so contrived “reality” show Laguna Beach. Now Richie Sambora, lead guitarist for one of music’s more famous hair bands, Bon Jovi, has added his own bit of notoriety and infamy to the town’s history by getting liquored up and driving around with an SUV full of passengers that included two minors. Sambora was pulled over just before 11 p.m. Tuesday after a local police officer spotted him driving erratically and pulled over the black Hummer Sambora was driving. Good decision-making, R., driving a ginormous vehicle like that while hammered out of your mind. Mix in the two minors in the vehicle and you’re really doing well, a-hole. Drunk off your head, and you’re to blame….you give alcoholics everywhere a bad name…..ok, so maybe those aren’t the correct lyrics to Dead or Alive, but Bon Jovi could always release a new version of the song, right? Call a cab, Richie. You’ll need to learn how to do that anyhow given the fact that you’re about to have your license ripped. Enjoy rehab, lush.

- Don’t do it, Jerry Jones. You may see yourself as some patron saint of troubled NFL players, a man who can bring in head cases and guys gone wild from other teams and get them in line with your Dallas Cowboys, but bringing in Adam “Pacman” Jones is the worst personnel decision you could possibly make, period. You may have brought in malcontents like Terrell Owens and Tank Johnson, guys with immense ability and immense baggage, and had success incorporating them into your team, but if you think Adam Jones is going to be the same way, you’re sadly mistaken. The Cowboys are reportedly in heavy pursuit of a trade with Adam Jones’ current team, the Tennessee Titans, that would send a seventh-round draft pick and a player to Tennessee for the right to have Jones ply his rain-making, bouncer-assaulting, woman-striking trade in Big D next season on whenever he gets reinstated by the NFL. Undoubtedly, this is a guy with big-time, big-play ability - when he’s actually allowed on the field. He’s a game-changer as a cornerback and kick returner, but don’t forget that he hasn’t even been reinstated by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell yet. Furthermore, there’s no guarantee if or when he will be reinstated. He could be out another year, for all we know. On top of that, if Dallas does acquire him and he is reinstated, does anyone seriously believe that he’ll go more than a few months without getting into trouble again? This is a guy who was going to strip clubs in New York on the eve of his meeting with Goodell wherein he was to apply for reinstatement following a shooting at a Las Vegas strip club. He’s not bright; just listen to him talk. He’s a dumb individual, not well-educated or able to put together a single sentence without committing as near-homicide on the English language. He’s shown violent tendencies toward women and that he has a rebellious streak a mile long. Time and time again he has proven that he is not smart enough to learn from his mistakes. If Dallas acquires him, they’ll be lucky if they go a single year without regretting it colossally. So hope for the best in this one, Cowboy fans, with the best being that this trade never, ever happens. Pacman will hurt your team far more than he will ever help it.

Jose Canseco just a slezeball, nothing more, Smallville news and a bad way to spend your time when you're 19

- I used to be at least partially in Jose Canseco’s corner. After many details in his first book proved to be true, I was willing to overlook his shady motivations for writing said book and accept that he might be telling the truth on many issues in the tome. Now….let’s just say I’m no longer in Jose’s corner. To clarify, I’ve been among the many who’ve felt that he’s a disgusting, despicable, self-serving sleazeball all along, but up ‘til now I was willing to get past those traits because in his first book he said things that, regardless of their motivations, were true and spurred a lot of necessary inquiry and debate in baseball. However, with the release of his second book, “Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and The Battle to Save Baseball,” Canseco has made the leap from loathsome-but-mildly-credible jerk to totally reprehensible, duplicitous jerk that I don’t believe. It all started with rumors before the release of this second book that Canseco was trying to shake down various players and former players for money to finance a movie project by threatening to include them in this book in a negative light if they didn’t pay up. Amazingly, Detroit Tiger Magglio Ordonez was alleged to have been one of those Canseco hit up for money and after Ordonez reportedly refused, he ended up being named in Vindicated. Conversely, Roid-ger Clemens, one of Canseco’s buddies and someone who reportedly has helped Jose out financially, is painted in a favorable light in the book and in interviews Canseco is now giving. In other words, Jose looks like someone who may tell the truth sometimes, but only if it benefits him directly, and he’s willing to obscure or fabricate the truth if spurned. One situation that would seem to fall into the latter category is one involving New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez. Rodriguez has earned a whole chapter of ripping in “Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and The Battle to Save Baseball,", but Wednesday he refused to address allegations by Canseco, who claims he introduced the three-time MVP to a steroids dealer. “It's over as far as I'm concerned,” Rodriguez said Wednesday after his New York Yankees lost 4-0 to the Philadelphia Phillies. "No further comment on the matter. I'm just excited to be playing baseball." In the book, Canseco claimed he introduced Rodriguez to a steroids dealer named Max. Excerpts from the book, slated for publication on April 1, were posted on deadspin.com before being removed Wednesday. Canseco claims that Rodriguez approached him years ago and inquired as to where “one” might acquire steroids. However, during an interview to be broadcast Friday on ABC's "Nightline," Canseco stonewalled and said that he won't produce evidence to back his claim. “The timing's not right,” Canseco said, according to excerpts released by ABC. “Let's see how Alex reacts. Let's see if they all call me a liar again. How's that for you? Let's see if all of a sudden they're going to call me a liar again.” What the frak? Whether or not you provide evidence to back up your heinous allegations depends on whether someone you fingered will call you a liar? That’s not how it works, Jose. The irony here is that if you can actually provide credible evidence that you’re telling the truth about A-Rod, it would send sales of your book through the roof. I don’t even like A-Rod in general and I’m siding with him on this one, so you know it’s bad what Canseco is doing. You may be loaded and have signed two of the biggest contracts in MLB history, A-Rod, but if you decide to sue Canseco for defamation of character and libel, put me down for $10 bucks to fund your attorney for the case, just so I can say I was a part of shutting up that sleazy, slimy, lowlife bastard Canseco.

- All in all, last night’s episode of Smallville was phenomenal, one of the two or three best of the season. The arrival of BRAINIAC, the Brain Interactive Construct, at the Kent Farm set everything in motion. BRAINIAC, also known as Dr. Milton Fine in previous stints on the show, popped up at the farm and tried to talk Clark’s cousin Kara into helping him with some mysterious project he claimed would allow her to go back and save everyone she loved who died when Krypton wad destroyed. Kara refused despite BRAINIAC’s mind games and Clark showed up on the scene to provide some, um, physical coercion for BRAINIAC to leave. The man/computer did, but not before warning Clark and Kara that they would eventually cooperate with him and had they done so from the start, they could have avoided getting hurt. As BRAINIAC takes off and flies into the atmosphere, Kara worries that although she can fly like BRAINIAC, Clark can't. She undertakes the challenge of teaching him to fly, but a frustrated Clark pulls the plug and insists that his time would be better spent trying to track down BRAINIAC, who seems to have vanished into thin air. He goes to Chloe for help and together they start looking for massive power anomalies around the world, which are signs that BRAINIAC has been at a location to refuel with the power he needs. Clark is horrified to learn that one such outage has taken place within the past few hours in Metropolis, near Lana’s Isis Foundation office. He super-speeds over to the office, only to find Lana gone and only Lionel Luthor around. Clark ignores Lionel’s pleas to listen to a warning about impending danger, insisting that Lionel is the same sleazy, dishonest man he’s always been. Lionel leaves behind something at Isis, an envelope for Lana that he hopes will help prove his innocence in the death of Patricia Swann, who died at the end of last week’s episode. It’s one of the reasons Clark no longer trusts him, but Lionel hopes that Lana can help prove his innocence by linking the man who killed P. Swann to Lionel’s’ son Lex. Of course, Lana isn’t going to be helping anyone because when BRAINIAC visited her, he did something to corrupt her central nervous system and make her basically catatonic. She can speak only programmed Kryptonian messages, her eyes are glassy and glazed over and she can't communicate outside of the messages BRAINIAC sends through her. In a rooftop meeting with Clark and Kara, BRAINIAC reveals that she can feel pain and is in great agony, but she cannot communicate those things. BRAINIAC claims that if Kara agree to help him with his mystery project, he will release Lana from her neurological prison, so she agrees and off they fly into the outer reaches of space. Doing a little flying of their own are Lois and Jimmy Olsen, who are in search of a big story to impress their new boss, Lex, at the Daily Planet. They believe Patricia Swann’s death is directly linked to Lionel, so they press him. He denies it but realizes that part of their claim is problematic because it involves a locket ripped from Swann’s dead body. The locket contains one of two keys to a safe-deposit box at a bank in Zurich where Lionel and the other members of his Veritas secret society hid information they believed would allow them to control the Traveler, the code name they assigned to the outer space visitor who turned out to be Clark Kent. Lionel has one of the keys, but Lex found the other one in the locket he had stolen from Swann’s body after having her killed. Coupled with the discovery of that key is the fact that Lex has been regaining some long-suppressed childhood memories ever since being shot in Detroit while tracking down Kara Kent. Part of what Lex remembers is playing hide and seek with Patty Swann and other children of Veritas members and stumbling across a secret meeting between members of the group when they were discussing the Traveler. Lex also recalls a visit to his father’s office the day of the meteor shower in Smallville that changed his life so dramatically. During that visit, Lionel learned of the deaths of Oliver Queen’s parents, both members of Veritas. One of Lionel’s men gives him one of the keys to the safe-deposit box. Lex realizes that the other key he needs to open the box is in the possession of his father, so that’s his next move. Clark’s next move, meanwhile, is visiting the hospital where Lana is being kept now in her catatonic state. He needs to find Kara and BRAINIAC as well, but has no leads on them. There will be no new episodes the next two weeks, so the story will be on hold here until April 17, stay tuned…..

- To be honest, I’ve always been skeptical of visiting Japan. After all, centuries of historical architecture, amazingly modern cities like Tokyo, great cuisine and some kickin’ professional baseball just aren’t enough. Even geographical marvels like Mount Fuji weren’t enough to push me over the edge, but I think I’ve finally found something that will: a praying Buddhist Chihuahua. It’s true, Conan the Chihuahua joins his master, priest Joei Yoshkuni, at the altar at Naha’s Shuri Kannodo temple daily. The 1½ -year-old pooch sits up on his hind legs and puts his paws together, mimicking the pose he sees from his owner and parishioners. According to Yoshkuni, Conan goes through his prayer routine before morning and evening meals, a trick that has drawn in a lot of tourists. “Word has spread, and we are getting a lot more tourists,” he explains. Great, because that’s why you want to book a ticket to Tokyo, to see a praying Chihuahua. Never mind the hundreds of other great places and landmarks to visit in the country, just head straight for Naha’s Shuri Kannodo temple once you land at the airport.

- Disgraced political leaders don’t just reside in the state of New York. No, you can also find this not-so-rare creature in its natural habitat in the city of Detroit. Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick followed up on New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s hooker scandal with his own indictment on eight felony charges, including perjury, obstruction of justice, conspiracy to commit obstruction of justice and misconduct in office. Kilpatrick’s former chief of staff, Christine Beatty, 37, was hit with many of the same charges, all stemming from their alleged intimate relationship in 2002 and 2003. Both of them denied the relationship under oath, which appears to have been a lie from the start. Lying under oath…just ask Roid-ger Clemens and Bar-roid Bonds what kind of problems that can cause. For now, Kilpatrick is refusing to resign and vowing to remain in office, but the spectacle of a presiding mayor being put on trial for eight felony charges may force his hand on that one. Way to lead and set an example for your constituents, K., you are truly a shining light of integrity and honor in office.

- When you’re just graduating from high school, figuring out your next move is difficult. Where do you want to go and what do you want to do with your life? For some of us, that question is answered by life and circumstances, such as being sent to jail for several years due to your role in a February 2007 bank robbery. That’s the plight of Ashley Miller, 19, and Heather Johnson, 19, the so-called “Barbie bandits,’ who were sentenced this week for their part in the heist that netted $11,000 from a bank in Marietta, Ga. The pair were seen wearing sunglasses and laughing in security footage during the robbery and went on a shopping spree afterward. Miller was hit with a 10-year sentence but will have to serve only two, while Johnson will have 10 years of probation. Benny Allen - who was a teller at the bank and was part of the plan - was sentenced to 10 years and will have to serve five. Michael Chastang, another co-defendant, will be sentenced soon. But on the bright side, Miller and Johnson are going to have some bitchin’ stories to tell at their first high school reunion….

New music from Malkmus, a reason to skip the ESPYs and ungrateful prisoners in Vermont

- Need proof that the world’s most ginormous losers reside on eBay? Look no further than the idiots involved in buying and selling a corn flake shaped like the state for Illinois on the popular web auction site for $1,350. The state-shaped flake was found and sold by two sisters from Virginia, with Melissa McIntire speaking on behalf of herself and her sister after the sale. “We were biting our nails all the way up to the finish, seeing what would happen,” she explained. The pathetic dork/winner of the auction runs a trivia website and hopes to make the cornflake part of a traveling museum for people with no lives and no friends. Monty Kerr of Austin, Tex. (you’re right, Texans, everything really IS bigger in Texas, because this guy is the biggest loser I’ve heard of in a long time) says he’s starting a collection of pop culture items and felt that this piece of cereal was a fantastic add. Keep telling yourself that, Monty, because you obviously need everything you can find to divert your attention from the pathetic, loser existence you lead. Now let’s please move on before I’m forced to repatriate myself and move to Europe just to avoid being a citizen of the same country as people like M. Kerr….

 

- I tell you, I just don’t get the beef prisoners in Vermont have with the über-tasty treat known as nutraloaf. The Vermont Supreme Court is hearing a class action lawsuit by prisoners this week claiming that the nutraloaf served to certain misbehaving inmates is cruel and unusual punishment and that inmates should be subjected to a formal disciplinary process before being subjected to what I had always known as a mighty tasty treat. Nutraloaf is a mixture of cubed whole wheat bread, non-dairy cheese, raw carrots, spinach, seedless raisins, beans, vegetable oil, tomato paste, powdered milk and dehydrated potato flakes. I don’t know about you, but I got hungry just writing that last sentence. What a pleasant cornucopia of foods and such a delightfully unique combination! Prison officials call it full meal in one neat package, but I just call it a treat for the taste buds. These ungrateful prison inmates are really out of line, trying to complain about receiving something so amazing. Back in 1988, a federal judge in Michigan ruled that the use of nutraloaf was punishment, but I’d like to think that we’ve come a long way in the past 20 years. I urge the Supreme Court in Vermont to reject this lawsuit and allow nutraloaf to be given out freely and liberally. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go finish some leftover nutraloaf I’ve been meaning to get to…..

 

- Stephen Malkmus has always been a great force and influence on the music world because he’s never been focused on going mainstream and making music that will get him welcomed into the popular, standardized segment of the industry. His work as a member of the band Pavement in the ‘80s and ‘90s was notoriously anti-rock in sentiment and was marked by powerful, introspective lyrics that were headed in a thousand different directions and seemingly bound by no normal conventions. Since Pavement ended its run as a pioneer in the world of Punk, Malkmus has done his own thing as a solo act, sometimes supported by a band known as the Jicks. These past seven years, he’s put out four albums on his own, each of them slightly more intense and focused. His latest, Real Emotional Trash, dropped this week and it’s a great listen. Songs like Hopscotch Willie, Emotional Trash and Cold Son are marked by meandering lyrics, strong guitar solos and a tempo that strikes a good balance between super-fast and too slow. Janet Weiss, former drummer of alt-rockers Sleater-Kinney, joins the Jicks on the drums for this album and her contributions are solid as well. At times the lyrics may be hard to follow, but if you make the effort to push past some of the misunderstandings, you’ll find a great album that keeps one of the more underappreciated careers in rock n’ roll going strong.

 

- Well, that’s settled. I won't be watching the ESPYs this year. I already held a strong despisal for self-important, self-congratulatory awards shows, but ESPN has found a way to take those shows and make them oh, so much worse. The network has announced that former man-bander Justin Timberlake, a man who sings like a weasel that has just ingested a ginormous tank of helium and been blasted in the package, will host the 16th annual ESPY Awards on July 20. Right, because I can't think of anything that says toughness, testosterone and hardcore competition like a guy who spent years frosting his tips, wearing matching outfits, dancing in unison with four other dudes and lip-syncing to über-awful pop music. Predictably, Timberlake is excited, as is pretty much anyone who gets a great opportunity that they don’t deserve. “I'm very excited to be hosting the 16th edition of the ESPYs. I can't wait for the day of the show as I'm truly a sports junkie,” Timberlake said. “Since the last ESPYs, there have been amazing moments in sports and I'm looking forward to recapping all of them with ESPN's diehard fans.” No, man bander, you won't be recapping them for this sports fan. You can take your Michael Jackson rip-off act elsewhere, because you most definitely do not represent the sports world that I love and follow. Being a member of a man band like O’Sync Degrees Boys or whatever group you were in basically disqualifies you from ever being considered for a single manly, masculine or sports-related post in my world. Much like being a convicted felon follows you around for the rest of your life even after you get out of prison, being a convicted member of a man band is a scarlet letter you cannot escape. So bad choice, ESPN, maybe you’ll do better in 2009…..

 

- Working in the kitchen can be hazardous. Lots of heat, things of different textures, temperatures and consistencies flying around, sharp objects and the like. Now you can add flying bullets to the list of kitchen hazards. No, I’m not talking about cooking with your favorite NBA or NFL player, which invariably would involve a minimum of five handguns. I’m referring to an incident at the Zurich Classic of New Orleans involving celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme. While setting up his cooking tent Tuesday morning at the golf tournament in Gretna, La., Prudhomme felt a sting on his right arm, just above the elbow. Initially he thought it was a bee sting, but after taking a look at his shirt sleeve, he discovered a .22 caliber bullet. Police deputies believe Prudhomme was hit by a falling bullet, probably shot about 9:30 a.m. Tuesday from somewhere within a 1 ½-mile radius of the golf course, according to Col. John Fortunato of the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office. No medical attention was required and within five minutes, P. Prudhomme was back to cooking. He did have a hole in his white chef’s coat, but that’s more of a bonus than anything. A war wound like that scores big points with the ladies, for sure. I’m not sure I’d be so eager to hang around and keep cooking if I were in his shoes, even if it was just a superficial wound. Bullets falling from the sky usually equates to me vacating the premises. Where the frak is this tournament being played, anyhow? In rural Louisiana or on a street corner in Compton? Try to keep from shooting visitors, Louisiana, it doesn’t exactly boost tourism when people leave your city or state with bullet holes in their body.

Prison Break escapes cancellation, the NFL goes brain dead and four riots in one weekend

- Great news, TV fans. In the midst of the deluge of über-crappy shows flooding the airwaves, one network has managed to make a smart programming decision amongst the many idiotic ones being made on a seemingly daily basis. Fox has ordered a fourth season of one of my absolute favorite shows, Prison Break, to run for 22 to 23 episodes. With the renewal comes a change in venue, with production for the show shifting all the way to the Left Coast. According to TVGuide.com, the fourth season of PB will pick up where the strike-shorted Season 3 left off, with Michael Scofield on the loose and seeking revenge against The Company and production will relocate to Los Angeles, moving from its previous home in Texas. Allow me to be one of the first to say….who cares? As long as the show remains on the air, you can produce it in Zimbabwe, Antarctica, Iceland or Fiji. Just give me my Prison Break every Monday night and give me a full season and all is well in my TV universe. So thanks for Fox, despite continuing to propagate the unmitigated abortion that is American Karaoke, for making at least one good decision by returning PB for another season.

- The ass clowns in the league offices of the NFL just can't help themselves. They’re bent on shoving their heads as far up their behinds as possible and implementing as many asinine new rules as possible while in said position. This is a league that already regulates the length of towels players are allowed to tuck into their waistbands during games, fines guys if their socks aren’t worn at the right height, flips out at even the most pedestrian endzone celebration and basically seeks to legislate all of the fun and individuality out of its game. Now, the numb nuts who run the league are reportedly considering a rule that would bar a player from wearing his hair long enough on the field to obscure his name on the back of his jersey. The matter is currently before the league’s competition committee  and the proposed rule change would affect players like Pittsburgh Steelers safety Polamalu and Jaguars cornerback Rashaen Mathis, both of whom sport long dreadlocks that flow out of the back of their helmet and would either need to get a haircut or figure out a way to stuff all that hair in their helmets throughout a game. According to NFL Network’s Adam Schefter, the Kansas City Chiefs proposed the rule change, and may have been motivated by the incident in October 2006 when Chiefs running back Larry Johnson pulled Polamalu's hair to drag him down from behind -- which is legal -- and then held onto the hair after both players hit the ground, drawing an unnecessary roughness penalty. Nothing like acting out of spite and being bent about something that happened a couple of seasons ago, eh Chiefs? Because of your inability to get over it and move on, the players should have an unnecessary, moronic and overly restrictive rule foisted upon them? Schefter reports that the Chiefs have argued that the hair requirement should be enforced as a uniform violation, similar to the league's requirements that players wear their socks a certain way. But there's also some support for the rules change from league insiders who believe it's unsafe to have players running around with hair hanging out their helmet. Yeah, either that or a bunch of rich, old white dudes can’t grasp the fact that this isn’t the 1960s anymore and long hair isn’t some sign of a “goddamn hippie” or other freak seeking to subvert societal norms and overthrow the establishment. Memo to you, rich, old white dudes: LONG HAIR IS JUST HAIR THAT’S A DIFFERENT LENGTH THAN YOURS. It’s not a sign of the apocalypse, nor is it something you need to legislate out of your game. Fact is that if you actually took the time to look at the fans in the 15-34 age range who provide a lot of support for your league, you’d find a lot of dudes with long lettuce who enjoy seeing guys who look like them out on the field. Speaking as one such individual, I hope you a-holes have the good sense to reject this proposed rule.  The 32 teams are expected to vote on the proposed rules change at the league meeting at the end of the month, so let’s get it right, fellas.

- Is there anything about the Beatles that isn’t controversial? During their time together, they sparked one uprising after another for everything from being anti-war to their dabblings in various religious and cult-like organizations and movements. Now that their time as a band is long gone, they’ve been at odds with Apple Computer over the use of the Apple name because the band had its own claim to the Apple name with the Apple Corps Ltd. record company they established decades ago. Now, the current point of contention is with music distributor Fuego Entertainment, which plans to release 1962 German club recordings believed to have been made during Ringo Starr’s first performance with the group. Fuego claims the recordings are important historical entities because they document the first live gig after Starr replaced Pete Best as Beatles’ drummer and that although seven of the songs from the event were later released by E.M.I., eight others were never released by anyone. Apple Corps Ltd. argues that the recordings are bootlegs and also that they are of poor quality and “dilute and tarnish the extraordinarily valuable image associated with the Beatles.” In other words, someone else is trying to make money off the Beatles and no one is allowed to make money off of their legacy besides us, says Apple Corps. The case will now go to court, but one has to wonder why, if Apple is so intent on preventing the tarnishing and dilution of the Beatles’ legacy, why they’re not suing those poseur karaoke hacks on American Karaoke who spent most of last week butchering so many of the band’s legendary tunes? Those are the people who really need to be sued…..

- It’s vital to always be on the lookout for ways to better celebrate your favorite holidays. No one who’s anyone is content with celebrating in the same tired ways they’ve celebrated a given holiday before. If all you do is break out some cheesy, lame fireworks in your back yard on the Fourth of July or watch the same boring Memorial Day parade every year, that holiday eventually becomes something you dread rather than look forward to. In that spirit, even though I think St. Patrick’s Day is a pretty lame holiday, I wholeheartedly salute the intrepid souls in Marietta, Ohio who spiced up their holiday celebration in that most festive of manners….by dyeing their crack cocaine green. Undercover cops in Marietta seized the festive crack (and really, is there any kind of crack that isn’t festive? I say no) and amazingly, this isn’t the first time they’ve seen something like this. Apparently during the Christmas season several years ago, the Washington County Sheriff’s office seized cocaine that had been dyed red. Personally, this is great news. Like many of you, I’m sure that the plain, white or off-white crack being sold in your town is getting old. Anyone and everyone who’s enough of a degenerate to be a crack addict is doing that stuff, so having something to set you apart is important. Everyone wants to be a pioneer, an innovator and an original. Green or red crack sends that message, along with the message that you’re a freaking crack addict and one of the more dangerous, scary people around.

-Riot Watch! Riot Watch! This edition is a special treat, a whirl-about that will take us around the globe to uprisings in four different countries. Let’s begin in Venezuela, where prison inmates from rival gangs took part in a brutal fight that left nine inmates dead and 20 more wounded. The melee began in the morning at the San Fernando de Apure lockup in central Venezuela and it took more than 100 prison guards and members of the national guard to quell it. Inter-gang prison riots are just about the dumbest kind of riot there is, to be honest. You’re in jail, locked up by The Man, but you choose to rebel against one another? Good one, gang members. Nothing says “reformed and ready to re-enter society” like starting the same kind of crap that probably got you imprisoned in the first place. Thankfully, there are better incidents of social dissidence on this day, one of which took place in London. Hundreds of Londoners marched through the city’s streets over the weekend to show their support for Tibet in its struggle against forced Chinese rule in their country. The London-based Free Tibet campaign sponsored the march, one of many around the world showing support for a worthy cause. Keep it up, Tibetans and pro-Tibet forces, because those Communists in China aren’t going to give up easily. Staying in Europe, our third riot/protest of the day comes from Amsterdam, where citizens were able to separate themselves from their bongs long enough to organize a demonstration against anti-immigration lawmaker Geert Wilders. Despite heavy winds and sleet, protestors showed up en masse to speak out against a short film by Wilders set to be released next month in which he denounces the Quran as a “fascist” book. The protest, called “Netherlands Shows Its Colors,” showed that many citizens don’t share Wilders’ slanted views, which is a good thing. Our fourth and final riot/protest comes from Turkey, where Kurdish protestors supporting rogue separatist guerrilla fighters clashed with police, leaving dozens injured after men in the crowd hurled large rocks at police to kick things up a notch. The direct clashes with police clearly make this the best riot of the four, because going toe-to-toe with the man always gives you bonus points. Police responded with tear gas and by administering beatdowns to some rioters, but among the four seriously injured people was one cop, so the protestors managed to do some damage of their own. All in all, a great day for rioting and one that will hopefully spark a wave of social dissidence ‘round the globe…..

Greek returns, a bad horror movie and a lame scam artist

- Oprah’s next give could just end up being to a woman who was a member of the studio audience at The Oprah Winfrey Show recently. Orit Greenberg claims that while in Chicago to attend a taping of the show on Dec. 5, 2006, she was trampled by other audience members in the rush for seats when the doors of the studio opened. According to her suit, audience members were told that they could sit wherever they wanted, so everyone went haywire running for the best spots. Greenberg claims she was pushed down a flight of stairs in the melee, sustaining “permanent and severe” injuries in the fall. She contends that Harpo Studios, where the show is filmed, failed to properly control the crowd and thus owes her $50,000 in damages. Oddly enough, something tells me this case will end up being settled out of court. It’s a paltry amount and O. Winfrey doesn’t need the negative pub, so she’ll pony up. Not that Orit Greenberg deserves what she’s asking for, mind you. She was probably right there in the midst of everyone, jostling and positioning to get the best seat. If she had been at the back of the pack, patiently waiting for the mess to clear up so she could find a seat, she would have been just fine. Also, if I’ve suffered “severe and permanent” injuries because of someone else’s negligence, I’m asking for a lot more than $50K. Sorry, Orit, but you look like a money-grubbing loser, even if you do get paid.

- After a six-month-plus break, Greek returned to the air on ABC Family last night. The show’s return is fortuitous given the fact that a lot of shows are going into a one-month lull as their stash of already filmed, pre-strike episodes runs out and they wait for new, post-strike episodes to get ready to air. After a great daylong marathon of all episodes from last fall’s first season, the season premiere kicked off at 8 p.m. Only four weeks had elapsed in the magical world of Cyprus Rhodes University from the end of last season to the beginning of this one, so not much had changed from where last season ended. Unlike shows such as 24, where several years can elapse between seasons, Casey, Rusty and Co. began this year where we found them last year. Rusty is still depressed about his breakup with Jen K., the girl who threw the entire campus into chaos last semester with an expose on the campus Greek system’s debaucherous ways. His trusty pal and fraternity president Cappie forces him to delete pictures of her from his computer and erase an old voice mail message, but that isn’t enough for Rusty. When his puritanical roomie Dale finds one of Jen’s hair clips laying around the dorm room, Rusty decides to seize the chance to see Jen face to face and delivers the clip himself. Unfortunately for Rusty, he finds out the Jen is now dating someone else and has moved on. His hang-up on her leads to him letting down his frat brothers for a second time in the episode by not getting to the hardware store in time to pick up a snow machine for the Kappa Tau booth at the semester-opening Greek Carnival. The event is part of the Greek system’s attempt to get back in the university’s good graces after last semester’s scandal. The scandal is also hitting the Zeta Beta sorority, led by Rusty’s big sis Casey, hard. A national representative from the sorority is on hand at CRU to make sure the Zeta Betas there are abiding by the organization’s high standards after the scandalous fall semester. The rep, Trisha, is quite the anal-retentive stickler for the rules and wastes no time in becoming the wet blanket that ruins all of the sorority’s fun. In no time, she bans clapping in meetings, forces the sisters to dress like they’re living in a Leave It to Beaver rerun and has Casey walking on eggshells. At the same time, the university’s new rules for the Greek system are pressing from the other direction, making life miserable. The university wants to crack down on underage drinking, institute curfews and other restrictive measures designed to regulate fraternities and sororities. Of course, everyone is looking for a way around them as soon as they rules come down, with the Kappa Tau house leading the charge. Rusty’s pal Calvin is out of that mess, having left the Omega Chi fraternity in last season’s finale after his brothers’ cold reaction to learning that he’s gay. Omega Chi president, blueblood and all-around upper-cruster Evan Chambers tries to talk Calvin into coming back to the frat, but continued concerns from the fraternity’s members cause him to reconsider. Evan is also busy reconsidering how he treats his ex, Casey. He starts out friendly and cordial, turns cold and heartless by asking for his pin back after pinning Casey last semester, and stripping her of her title as Omega Chi Sweetheart. That leads to multiple beers to drown his sorrows and musings about how he should really be treating Casey. Sadly, there were no new revelations about other majors Cappie has had previously in his time at CRU, which was one of the best parts of last season. Every episode, something would come up that would inspire a remembrance of his time as a ________________ (fill in the blank) major. Definitely one of the comedic high points of any episode, but hopefully we’ll get a few of those this season as well. You can't be too harsh on this episode because season premieres are always a tough task. There are loose ends to tie up, gaps in time to fill in since last season ended, etc. Greek actually did a good job of juggling all of those tasks and delivered a solid episode, which is hopefully a precursor for another awesome season.

- Don’t expect my help in tracking down the people whose names are on your list of wanted rioters from this past week’s demonstrations against your rule in Tibet, Chinese government. Aside from the fact that I live a couple, two or three continents away and don’t know a single one of them, even if I lived right next door to them, I wouldn’t lift a finger to help you track them down. Chinese officials have issued a “Most Wanted” list of 21 individuals involved in last week’s protests against Chinese oppression/governance in Tibet. The wanted men and women are shown in grainy photos distributed by the Chinese as they seek to stamp out all vestiges of free speech and independent thought. According to figures provided by the Chinese government, 18 civilians and one police officer were killed in last week’s uprisings and 623 more people were injured. Things are getting so contentious that the Chinese are considering banning live television broadcasts from Tiananmen Square during the Olympics this summer. Yes sir, this is going to be a glorious celebration come summertime, the world’s biggest violator of human rights and a government oppressing not just their people but those in neighboring countries as well, all on display for the world to see. Hard to imagine anyone not being pumped about heading to Beijing for the Games, no?

- Why? That’s the first question that pops into my mind when I hear about a man in Western Pennsylvania scheming, scamming and plotting so he can rip off…..McDonald’s? No, not McDonald’s corporate headquarters, just local restaurants. This tool put time and effort into formulating a plan in which he drives around to local McD’s, pretends to be a basketball coach and then scams the restaurants out of food and small amounts of cash. He’s been working the same scam in three towns, driving a school bus or something resembling one to a McDonald’s. He goes inside, orders about $50 worth of food for his “team” and then pays for it with a $150 check that appears to be from his school district. He takes the food and his change, in cash, and splits, leaving the phony check behind as the primary evidence for police trying to track him down. Again I ask why….why put time and effort into a plan and then operate on such a small scale for such a miniscule payoff? Clearly getting this bus, keeping gas in it and making up phony checks takes time and money. Heck, with the price of gas, this guy might actually be losing money by driving to these restaurants and making off with $150 in food and cash. If you’re going to put all of that effort and money out there, at least aim a little higher. Heck, you’re going to end up in prison for fraud, writing bad checks, etc. The least you can do is aim higher than scoring a few big Macs, apple pies and McNuggets, bro.

- The mysterious, creepy, supernatural scare movie has been done to death (pun intended) in recent years. Movies like The Grudge, both installments of The Ring, One Missed Call, etc. have squeezed all the life out of that type of movie. To be honest, there wasn’t much life there to begin with, so any new movie in the same vein would have to be extremely original and innovative in order to succeed. Unfortunately, Shutter just doesn’t bring anything new to this tired genre and for that reason it’s an underwhelming failure of a flick. Rachael Taylor and Dawson’s Creek alum Joshua Jackson star as a newlywed couple heading off to Japan for a photo shoot that Jackson’s character has landed. Unfortunately, his pictures from the sessions are all flawed because of a certain grainy quality, which he surmises is a problem with his camera equipment. His wife isn’t so sure and asks around, eventually finding out about “ghost photos,” a well-known phenomenon in Japan. Eventually we learn that the ghost in Jackson’s photos is a girl he used to be involved with, which explains why she’s haunting he and his new girl. I won't spoil the rest of the plot for you, not that there’s much to spoil. The film clocks in at a mere 86 minutes, meaning that although it’s one big cliché and totally unoriginal, at least it doesn’t bore you for 3-4 hours (yeah, I’m looking at you, Titanic). I wish I could tell Hollywood to take a break from these supernatural, tech-based scary movies, but we all know that’s not going to happen. If they can squeeze even a minor profit margin out of these copycat films, they’ll keep churning them out, cinematic quality and integrity be damned. Of course, you don’t have to be one of the mindless sheep handing them your money to see this garbage, and in this case I strongly suggest that you don’t.

Putty in space, a great counterfeiting scam and MLB kicks off....in Japan?

- Maybe we aren’t paying our airport employees enough…either that, or many of them are thieving, lying, duplicitous scumbags. I’ll let you decide after I tell you about a counterfeiting ring at the Newark Liberty Airport in which $2 million worth of U.S. Treasury checks were stolen and their security features copied by a group that included several baggage handlers working at the airport. Federal authorities in Jew Jersey say that the operation started with those baggage handlers stealing the checks from luggage and then passing them on to others in the ring who copied security features from them and subsequently cashed $2 million worth of bogus paper. See, this is why you always put your millions of dollars in U.S. Treasury checks in your carry-on bag, because you send them through the baggage-handling department and they’re going to be stolen. Ideally you wouldn’t be traveling with large amounts of these checks, but I understand that’s how some of your roll. Welcome to the Newark Airport, where you can’t carry on a toothpaste tube bigger than 3 oz. because of an alleged security hazard, but our security isn’t good enough to protect a multimillion-dollar counterfeiting ring. Yet another reason why air travel is a nightmare more often than not….

- I loves me a good conspiracy theory just as much as anyone, but the Chinese government is barking up the wrong tree in accusing followers of the Dalai Lama or staging violent clashes with police in the hopes of sabotaging this summer’s Olympics in Beijing and boosting their campaign for independence from the brutally oppressive Chinese rule in their country. Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao made those accusations this week, but I regret to inform Jiabao that he’s missing the point here. Yes, Tibetans and their supporters are violently clashing with police and trying to end your forced rule in their country, but they don’t have some ulterior motive. Their motive is clear and openly stated - returning their exiled government, led by the Dalai Lama, to power. Maybe having the eyes of the world focused on their region because of the Summer Olympics helps, but I don’t think they’re looking to sabotage the Games, because you all are doing a great job of that already by having such polluted air that athletes fear for their health if they compete in it, trying to use ‘roided-up chickens to feed athletes and continually oppressing human rights to the point that the world recognizes you as one of the absolute worst in that category. You trying to put a spin job on the resistance effort is actually comical and no one believes you, but keep on selling it if you want.

- Planning on catching the beginning of the Major League Baseball season? Looking forward to tuning in on TV or radio on a sunny spring afternoon or evening as your favorite team kicks off its season? Think again, friends. If you want to catch the official start of the season, you’re going to need to either stay up really late or wake up between 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. (depending on the time zone you live in) if you want to see the Boston Red Sox and Oakland A’s start the 2008 season live from Japan. Yes, in a terrible tradition that MLB insists on continuing, those two teams will start the season for AMERICA’S national pastime in Japan. I understand the importance of reaching out to baseball-loving nations like Japan, I truly do. I also get that the logistics of a Japan trip are a bit easier if you put the trip at the start of the season and then give the teams playing aboard a few extra days off. That being said, you can’t start the season on foreign soil. Play the first games in this country as long as MLB is a U.S.-based league. You’re throwing them on at a time when 99.9 percent of people in this country can’t or won't watch. Plus, you’re having the defending World Series champs play in these games, further compounding your error. I know this will fall on deaf ears and that MLB is going to keep pushing these season-openers in Japan year after year, but that doesn’t mean it’s right or that someone shouldn’t stand up against the practice.

- Well this is one of the more bizarre reenactments of the Boston Tea Party that I’ve ever seen. Some Nicaraguan drug smugglers were looking to move a little product this past week and for some odd reason, the Nicaraguan authorities weren’t down. Being the typical sticks in the mud that those in authority tend to be, officials in the country went hard after the smugglers and their stash of 3,300 pounds of cocaine. The U.S. Coast Guard, ever the squares and party-poopers, joined in on the pursuit and these poor drug traffickers had no choice but to dump more than a ton and a half of coke overboard and escape. The smugglers did get away, but all of that blow is now lost forever. The price of coke will skyrocket as a result and cocaine addicts everywhere will feel the pinch. But just like those revolutionaries in Boston more than two centuries ago were taking a stand against the tyranny of British rule and the principle of taxation without representation, I can’t help but see a message being sent by these intrepid, modern-day revolutionaries off the coast of Nicaragua. No seizure of our blow without proper payment, that’s the new battle cry. In related news, Keith Richards and Amy Winehouse have announced that they will be taking an extending deep-sea diving trip off the coast of Nicaragua immediately….wonder if there’s a connection here I’m missing….

- People often use the space program as a point of comparison when talking about advanced technology and sophisticated, advanced activities. “It’s not rocket science,” they’ll say. It gets me to thinking and wondering if our space program is really as advanced and sophisticated as we think it is. For example, say there’s a problem with the physical structure of a space shuttle or station and some sort of repairs are needed. Do our astronauts have some über-advanced technology, something “space age” that will allow them to pinpoint the problem and fix it in a way that would confound mere mortals. Oddly enough, the answer is no. When tiles on the international space station, the tool of choice for fixing the damage is a caulk gun and some putty. Astronauts from the shuttle Endeavour arrived at the space station last week to deliver a robot and the first section of a Japanese lab to be installed, but their duties have expanded to include puttying up damage to the station. Using the pink goo and a caulk gun-like contraption, they are now fixing up the holes like modern day, space-walking handymen. When they’re done patching those holes, maybe they can move on to fixing that pesky space station garbage disposal and finding a way to keep the station’s toilets from clogging up. Good work, guys, I’m sure Neil Armstrong would be very proud of your efforts.

Reasons to marry well, Great White manager paroled and a grisly plot in the Congo

- Let this be a lesson to everyone out there age 18 or above, and maybe even for those a little younger. When you go to marry someone, think carefully and really consider who you’re about to wed. Make the right choice and you have a great partner to go through the rest of your life with. Make the wrong choice and you’re paying alimony and child support out the wazoo and being forced to fork over $375,000 to cover your ex’s legal fees in the child custody case they’re fighting against you. Yes, the Insane One, Britney Spears, has been ordered by an L.A. court commissioner to pony up nearly $400K to finance the attorney’s fees for her former leech, er, husband, K-Dirt Federline. K-Dirt’s attorney had been asking for $500,000, but the commish put the cap on at $375,000. Spears’ own attorney argued that 1) K-Dirt’s lawyer was over-billing his client and 2) K-Dirt could pay for his own attorney, which actually does seem like a reasonable request. Well, reasonable until you realize that Spears is basically financing K-Dirt’s life through alimony and child support payments. All his lawyer needs to do is to throw on a track from K-Dirt’s attempt at a rap album and no judge is going to believe that this guy has any shot of earning a living in his attempted profession. All of this could have been avoided if Brit had been smart enough to not marry a dirtbag, leech, trailer-park bum to begin with, but she really doesn’t have the best judgment, does she…….

- Thanks for nothing, NCAA Tournament higher seeds. You all systematically destroyed my bracket this weekend by turning in your worst performances at the worst possible time. Let’s begin with America’s chokers, the Duke Blue Devils. Now I’m the first to admit that I hate the Dukies, those arrogant, pompous, condescending, rich, Van-uppity a-holes. However, I bit the bullet this year and actually picked them to advance safely through the tournament’s first three rounds, all the way to the Elite Eight. I usually pick them to get bounced in the first round out of spite, but I banked on them this year. Of course, they promptly let me down by getting bounced in the second round by West Virginia, 73-67. The second-seeded Blue Devils proved they never deserved their seed and busted my bracket with a lackluster effort. Fast forward to today, when Georgetown choked away a double-digit second-half lead to mid-major Davidson, basically a one-man team led by super-shooter Stephen Curry. Davidson 74, Georgetown 70. Thanks for nothing, Hoyas. You became the second #2 seed to lose, but your loss is worse because of that big lead blown and also because you lost to a team seeded 10th. Coming on the heels of colossal letdowns by fourth and fifth-seeded Connecticut and Drake in the opening round and a no-show by fourth-seeded Vanderbilt in the same round, I feel betrayed and bamboozled by you, high seeds. Not that I’m the guy filling out 50 brackets and gambling away half of his savings on the tournament, but when I do pick you to win on the one bracket I fill out, you could at least bother to play a reasonably good game, that’s not too much to ask.

- Looking to get an early jump on the next 007 movie? You can do it, as long a you either live in Britain or don’t mind buying a plane or boat ticket there to see Quantum of Solace, the latest James Bond adventure. Can I pause for a moment and say how horrible of a name that is? It sounds like you just wrote down impressive-sounding, multi-syllabic words on index cards, threw them in a hat and pulled out two of them. Quantum of Solace doesn’t even sound interesting or sensical, just a bizarre word combination designed to wow. Now I’ll still end up seeing this movie because I’m a theater junkie and I do enjoy action films, I just think you could have come up with a better title. That being said, the film initially had a Nov. 7 release date worldwide and for the United States, that date will remain. But over in Bondland, a.k.a. Britain, the film will be released a week earlier on Oct. 31. Normally it’s the U.S. getting films before the rest of the world, but this time the tables are flipped. You won't believe it, but once again James Bond is tracking down a vague, far-reaching international conspiracy. So you can either wait until Nov. 7 to find out the who’s, how’s and why’s, or you can hop a bird to Britain and find out a week earlier. If you do, do me a favor and don’t spoil it by telling me the plot before I can see it for myself.

- Murder plots don’t usually involve gorillas, but here is one case where they do and also where the gorillas might be the smarter of the individuals involved in the whole mess. A park ranger in the Congo, located in central Africa, has been arrested and charged with masterminding the slaughter of 10 endangered mountain gorillas as part of a scheme to thwart local conservationists’ plan to save the creatures’ mountain habitat. This ass hat thought that by killing the gorillas that lived in the area, he could clear the way for loggers to cut down trees in the region to make charcoal, a lucrative business in the Congo. So to review, this guy, likely in league with or being paid off by the logging companies, concocted a murder plot to take out 10 gorillas. He set up the plan that led to these poor animals being massacred, a park ranger who was supposed to be protecting the creatures and their habitat. This is one of the more despicable things I have heard of lately, so let’s hope that life in a prison in the Congo is every bit as gruesome and dirty as I imagine it to be.

- Five years later, the fallout from the massive nightclub fire that killed 100 people in West Warwick, R.I. continues. Just a few months ago, lawsuits by friends and families of people who died in the blaze against a local TV station whose cameraman impeded club patrons from escaping the burning building were settled. Now, the manager of the band Great White, whose pyrotechnics sparked the fire, has been released from prison after serving less than half of his four-year sentence. Daniel Biechele, 31, is a former manager for 1980s rockers Great White and he’s now a free man, although he won't ever be truly free from the stigma of being linked to this disaster. His name is going to be linked with the fire and those 100 deaths for the rest of his life. He had been in prison in Cranston, R.I., but the first thing he should have done upon being released was make a beeline for the border (which couldn’t be too far, given how tiny Rhode Island is). It’s a small state and everyone there knows who he is and if he ever returns, let’s just say they won't be buying him a beer. So go free, Daniel, live your life, but stay clear of our nation’s smallest state if you value your life and health.

A losing election team, more riots in Tibet and the NBA's absolute disgrace of a team

- Sorry to burst your bubble, CBS, but Secret Talents of the Stars should stay a secret. You all are apparently going brain-dead as a network, because if you think that more than five Americans have an interest in watching George Takei attempt to be a country music singer, you are mistaken. Problem one would be that right now, most people reading this are wondering who the frak George Takei is. If one of your “stars” in someone that most people don’t know, that’s a problem. Allow me to fill in the blanks for all of you on that one. Takei was on one of the many TV installments of Star Trek, but more of you would know him as Hiro Nakamura’s father on NBC’s current hit show Heroes. Problem two would be that if someone like Takei or country singer Clint Black (making a run at being a standup comic) is famous for one thing, odds are that they aren’t holding another talent ace in their back pocket. More than likely, they’re holding the two of hearts and the four of spades, amigos. If they could have made it as something else, they would have. Them being famous for one thing doesn’t mean we need to or want to see them try something else (see Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all-time, trying and failing miserably at minor-league baseball or that idiot Billy Crystal playing for the Yankees in an exhibition game). I get that you all are grasping at straws here because you’re waiting for new episodes of your other crappy shows to roll in now that the writers’ strike has ended, but allowing pseudo-celebs to indulge their long-held desire to try and become a country singer or standup comedian just won't cut it. Nice try, CBS, but no.

- Obscenities on the airwaves. It’s an issue that’s been up and coming for a while now, especially given obscene acts and comments on air during Super Bowls, radio shows and the like the past few years. With Howard Stern, Don Imus, Janet Jackson, etc. making the FCC sweat every time they’re on air, the issue of what is allowable on radio and TV has become more and more debated. This week, the Supreme Court has stepped into the fray when it comes to curse words and what is appropriate. The specific case before the court centers on a Federal Communications Commission policy that allows for fines against broadcasters for “fleeting expletives,” one-time uses of the F-word and its derivatives. Fox, CBS, ABC and NBC have challenged the policy after awards shows they broadcast in 2002 and 2003 were obscene because of profanities using during the broadcasts by Bono, Nicole Richie and Cher. In the initial challenge, a federal appeals court ruled that the policy was unconstitutional and may constitute a violation of the Ninth Amendment. Two airings of the Billboard Music Awards are the point of contention here, a show that aired on Fox. The FCC, being the über-square, anal retentive bastards they are, felt like one or two tiny slips of the tongue merited major ramiprecussions. Of course, as with all things in our justice system, actually getting justice will take a long time. The case won't be heard until the fall, so for now both sides are trying to put on a happy face and act like the Supreme Court hearing their case is exactly what they want. So this fall, the eternal debate of freedom of speech versus censorship will go down, stay tuned….

- The Miami Heat are an absolute disgrace. That hasn’t been a secret for the duration of this NBA season, but now their disgracefulness is reaching a level that demands outrage and action. Yes, they are 12-56 on the season and have sucked on the court from Day One. But as the season nears its end, things have taken a turn for the worst, to the extent that the Miami Heat fans need someone to intervene on their behalf. At the season’s outset, their roster was filled with aging, overpaid players and any playoff hopes were a pipe dream. Then, they traded star center and main attraction Shaq O’Neal to Phoenix just past the midway point of the season. If only that were the end of it….but it’s not. Around that same time, coach/GM Pat “Oil Slick” Riley announced that throughout the remainder of the season, he might miss a few of his team’s games because he would be out scouting college talent. After all, the Heat will have a high draft pick, so he reasoned that he needed to see the talent firsthand. Coaching his team be damned, Riley was going scouting. Forget about doing his job and giving his best effort to help the team he has right now win. Screw the fans who pay exorbitant ticket prices to see the Heat try to win games too. But wait, there’s more. A few weeks ago, the team’s franchise player Dwayne Wade decided he was shutting himself down for the year because of a nagging knee problem. He’ll probably end up having surgery on it, but he also is holding out hope that he can play for team USA in the Summer Olympics. Yup, he won't play another game this season for those fans paying nearly $100 a game to see the Heat, but he’ll play in the Olympics. So already you have one star traded, one sitting out the rest of the season and a coach who isn’t giving his all to help his team win. But wait, there’s more! Forward Dorrell Wright and center Alonzo Mourning have also had their seasons ended prematurely with injuries, further decimating the roster. With all of this going on, the team gave one of the most crap-tacular efforts in NBA history this week, losing 96-54 Wednesday night to Toronto with only seven players active for the game. But wait, there’s more! yesterday, forward Udonis Haslem had season-ending surgery to remove bone spurs from his left ankle. Fans, your 2007-08 Miami Heat! I know this would set a bad precedent, but this franchise needs to refund every damn dollar that fans have paid for tickets the second half of this abortion of a season - well, season ticket holders anyhow. Fans buying single-game ducats knew what they were getting and chose to go anyhow. Season ticket holders had paid their money months ago and couldn’t get out of it. Do the right thing, Heat, and make it right for the fans you’ve spent the entire season giving a ginormous middle finger to.

- And the riots rage on in the Tibet-China conflict. The protests going on by Tibetans spread to three neighboring provinces this week, showing that despite a crackdown by the Chinese in a furious attempt to gain control before this whole mess totally desecrates their nation’s image on the precipice of this summer’s Olympic games. Tibetan communities in Sichuan, Qinghai and Gansu marked another week of social dissidence by Tibetans as they emphatically restated their belief that the Chinese rule in their country should end. These three new areas of protests forced the Chinese government to mobilize security forces all across western China, showing once again that the power of the people is strong when they band together against The Man. At the same time as these three areas were exploding in protests, police in Tibet’s capital city of Lhasa were busy going building to building, searching for people who had the audacity to take part in a violent anti-Chinese protest last week. A deadline for those individuals to surrender is fast approaching, and if they don’t turn themselves in, they face severe ramiprecussions. Of course, the way the Chinese do business, these people will probably be killed even if they do turn themselves in, so by trying to hide they really aren’t upping their risk factor all that much. I’ve said it before, I’ll keep on saying it as long as is necessary….FREE TIBET! FREE TIBET!

- There are some teams you’d love to be a part of. Your favorite baseball team, NFL team, the League of Justice, the Olympic team for your country, etc. Let’s just say that the team of Hank Clinton and Elton John is not among teams most of us would want to join. A femi-Nazi, runner-up in the Democratic presidential race and an effeminate, homosexual, glitter, sequin and feather-wearing pop singer just aren’t the kind of winning team I’m eager to be a part of. But there they are, E. John preparing for an April 9 concert in New York City to help raise funds for the sinking ship that is Hank’s campaign. The show will take place at Radio City Music Hall in Manhattan, which will be verrrrry helpful to me when I’m looking to be as far away from the site of the show as possible when it happens. “I’m not a politician, but I believe firmly in the work that she does,” E. John said of Hank. Look Elton, I get it, I do. Hank is ten times more masculine than you and she scares the crap out of dudes who actually dress and act like dudes, let alone a softie like you, with your sequined outfits and feather-trimmed sunglasses. The funniest part of this is that the two ticket prices for the show are $125 and $250….seriously. In other words, the show will be for a bunch of rich, old white people. I might pay that much for tickets on a U2 farewelll tour, but for an Elton John fundraiser for Hank Clinton, I’m thinking I’m the one who would need to be paid if I was going to attend.

Stop corrupting the madness, movie mayhem and Lost/Smallville recaps

- Great opening day of the NCAA Tournament yesterday. Yes, there were a lot of lopsided games early, but when you get the chance to witness history being made, it’s still a great day. That history came courtesy of the Kent State Golden Flashes, who were anything but golden in scoring a tournament record-tying low 10 points in the first half. The Flushes were absolutely putrid, turning the ball over 17 times and mustering only five field goals in the half. Their 10 points in that half tied the record for the fewest points scored on a half in the history of the NCAA Tournament, which has to be a proud way to cap the season for your team. And no, I don’t care that in a second half where the outcome was a foregone conclusion, Kent scored 48 points. They still lost 71-58 and never closed the gap to single digits. Watching these clowns toss the ball around like it was greased up with Crisco and they were wearing blindfolds just proved that although they may have won the Mid-American Conference, they are nowhere near the level of the so-called BCS conferences, not even close. I’d argue that their performance is worse than that of Mississippi Valley State, which only scored 29 points the entire game but has the defense that they played UCLA, the top seed in their region. Top seeds are supposed to beat #16 seeds by wide margins, period. Kent was seeded ninth (nice job on that one, selection committee) and playing a UNLV team seeded eighth, so theoretically it should have been a fair matchup. At least the rest of the day’s games featured teams that actually looked like they had played basketball before, so there’s something to be thankful for.

 

- Believe it or not, last night’s episode of Smallville was marked by deception, half-truths and scheming. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe. But things kicked off in arresting fashion (pun intended) as Clark Kent was abducted by men in black, military-like garb with the help of Kryptonite-laced Taser guns. Just as he was about to pull out the key for the portal to the Fortress of Solitude, CK was nabbed and Lana and Chloe were left to find the aftermath. They went to Lionel Luthor for help and he lied to their faces, telling them he thought Lex might be responsible when Lionel directed the whole plan. Of course, Lionel was dealing with a blackmail threat of his own from Patricia Swann, daughter of the late Victor Swann (played on the series by the late Christopher Reeve), a scientist who helped Clark figure out his destiny. P. Swann had been sending Lionel threatening notes because she believed that he had offed her father and three other members of a secret society known as Veritas that had been formed by four wealthy families looking for one they called “The Traveler,” who turned out to be Clark Kent. Patricia Swann believed the Lionel killed the other Veritas members to have Clark all to himself. Also included in the group were Oliver Queen’s (Green Arrow) parents, whose plane Lionel sabotaged. Patty Swann threatened to release evidence implicating Lionel in the deaths of the other Veritas members unless he took her to see Clark and then released CK. Clark was being held at a special, Kryptonian-proofed detention facility Lionel had set up, complete with über-thick concrete walls, a Plexiglas cage and waves of Kryptonite running through the walls of the cage. A sadistic former security chief for Lex’s 33.1 meteor-freak project had charge over him and was bent on killing someone he viewed as a threat to the world. When Lionel revealed that killing Clark wasn’t in the plan, this guy flipped out. Patty Swann had already been knocked out and Lionel was going to screw her over by flying her out of the country without meeting Clark, but this gun-toting security whack-o knocked him out as well. Just as this nut job was about to kill Clark with a fatal surge of Kryptonite, a miraculous intervention happened. Kara Kent, who had been living at the Luthor Mansion with Lex, was just about to have a memory retrieval procedure that Lex insisted would help her get back the memories she’d lost when she had amnesia. Of course, Lex only wanted her memory back so he could exploit her and get closer to the truth about Clark. Chloe and Lana broke into the mansion just in time to save Kara, ushering her off to the Fortress where Chloe talked Clark’s Kryptonian father Jor-El into helping Kara get her memory back. Once Kara was back to normal, she had her Kryptonian powers back and bum-rushed the facility where Clark was being held. She disabled the cage, freed Clark and they were able to escape. In the aftermath, Patty Swann visits Clark back at the Kent Farm and declares that if he won’t accept her offer to get away from Smallville to a safer place, she will be getting an apartment in Metropolis so she can be close to him and give him the same support her father provided to Clark. Clark then goes to confront Lionel, who launches into a trademark diatribe about how he was only kidnapping Clark to protect him because initially he didn’t know who the threatening messages that were ultimately revealed to be from Patricia Swann were coming from or what danger there was to Clark. To keep Clark from going after their source and finding danger, Lionel tried to spin the fact that he kidnapped the Man of Steel. The detention facility, he explained, was for other Kryptonians, ones who have proven much more violent than Clark. Clearly Clark didn’t believe the story, because he pronounced Lionel to be the same deceitful, duplicitous man he’s always been. Proof of that comes near the end of the episode when Patty Swann’s driver pulls off the road on the way to Metropolis and shoots her, making her the latest Veritas-related death and ending her run on the show at one episode.Thankfully, Smallville is one of the only shows that won’t be beginning a several-week gap in between new episodes next week, so next Thursday it’ll be time for more Smallville talk, but that’s all for now….

 

- Maybe the writers and producers on Lost haven’t been paying attention to what I’ve been saying about a largely underwhelming season of their show, because last nights’ episode Lost was more of the same. In other words, 95 percent of the episode is about one character and almost the entire rest of the cast gets zero screen time. Other than a quick scene with Ben, his daughter Alex, her boyfriend Carl and Danielle Rousseau, the crazy French chick who has lived on the island for nearly 20 years, and another with Rousseau, Carl and Alex and the end, everything in between was Michael-centric. At the beginning of the hour, Ben warns Alex, Carl and Rousseau to leave the barracks immediately because when the people from the freighter come to the island to get Ben, Alex will be in danger because they will use her to get to Ben. So the trio departs and aren’t heard from until the end of the hour. In between, we find Michael on the freighter, being confronted by Sayid and Desmond. They demand to know what he doing on the boat, posing as a man named Kevin Johnson. Michael tells them his tale, which we see in the form of a flashback. As it turns out, after leaving the island on an Others-provided boat at the end of Season Two, Michael and his son Walt returned to New York. Unfortunately, life back in Manhattan wasn’t able to wipe away the memories of the island. Michael, overcome with guilt over shooting and killing Libby and Ana Lucia in Season Two when the Others had kidnapped Walt and forced him to break Ben out of custody of the Oceanic 815 survivors, tells Walt about the two murders he committed. At the same time, Michael operates under the belief that no one can know who he and Walt really are or that they have survived the crash of Oceanic 815. Walt goes to live with his grandmother, Michael’s mom, and she refuses to even let Michael in the house when he comes to visit his son. Michael’s response is to repeatedly attempt to commit suicide, beginning with crashing his car into a wall in a local shipyard at high speed. He has a suicide note pinned to his shirt, a note written to Walt, but when paramedics find him in his crashed car, still alive, they take him to the hospital and he refuses to give his name to the nurse or to tell her who Walt is. Michael next attempts to kill himself in a dark alley by shooting himself in the head with a gun he bought courtesy of pawning the watch he was given back on the island by Jin. However, just as he’s about the pull the trigger, Tom, a.k.a. Friendly of the Others, appears out of the shadow with a mysterious offer. He asks Michael to go onto a freighter about to port in Fiji and pose as a member of the crew. He also tells Michael that no matter how many times he tries to commit suicide, the island won't allow it. Its mysterious powers extend beyond its physical boundaries, it seems. Tom tells Michael that he has work left to do and to come find him in his penthouse hotel room when he’s ready to do it. Michael pus Tom’s words to the test by attempting suicide again inside of his apartment, but a news broadcast about the supposed recovery of the remains of Oceanic 815 at the bottom of the ocean gives him pause. When he does try to pull the trigger, the gun jams, which finally convinces him that Tom is telling the truth. When Michael goes to see Tom in his hotel room, he’s presented with evidence that Charles Widmore did indeed fake the recovery of the remains of Oceanic 815 by digging up 324 graves in Thailand for the bodies to stage the fake wreckage, buying an old plane and shipping it out to sea to a location where it could be dropped and sink so deep that recovering any remains or identifying any of them would be impossible. All of this, Tom explained, were done so no one would look for the real location of the crash and thus find the island that Widmore so badly wants. Based on this evidence, Michael signs on to go aboard the freighter posing as Kevin Johnson and to kill everyone on board, one by one, to keep the freighter from reaching the island. When he arrives in Fiji, Michael begins meeting members of the crew that we’ve already come to know this season - Naomi, George Mintkowski, Miles, etc. - and starts to have second thoughts about killing them. However, a care package from the Others changes his focus. Inside, hidden under some tools, is what looks like a bomb. The message seems clear: blow up the boat. But when Michael takes the “bomb” to the engine room and enters the code to detonate it, nothing happens. He’s cringing, preparing to be blown to bits, but all that happens is a flag popping up, just like in a cartoon. The flag has two words written on it: NOT YET. Shortly after this scare, a call comes in to the boat for Michael/Kevin. It’s allegedly from Walt, but when Michael picks up, Ben is on the other end of the line. Ben tells him that he was just making a point with the fake bomb, that although he’s willing to go to war to save the island, he won’t kill innocent people to do so. Some of the people on the boat are innocent and don’t understand what a monster Widmore is, so Ben didn’t want to kill them. As Michael finishes his story and we’re back in the present, Sayid doesn’t take the whole situation in very well. In a rage, Sayid forced Michael into an impromptu meeting with the captain and then rats Michael out by revealing his true identity. Meanwhile, back on the island, Alex, Rousseau and Carl are on the run in the jungle, headed for the Temple, a sanctuary where Ben told them that the rest of the Others are. As they stop for a water break, they are taken down by gunfire. Carl’s water bottle takes the first hit, followed by a fatal shot to Carl. When Rousseau and Alex make a run to save themselves, Rousseau is shot as well. Alex is left alone and surrenders, yelling that she’s Ben’s daughter and pleading with her faceless enemy not to shoot her as well. She stands up, puts her hands in the air and….that’s where things ended. Oh, and because the f’ing writers’ strike held the show to only eight pre-strike episodes and this was the eighth episode, new ones won’t be airing until April 24. So two months after the season kicked off, we get a great big gap to further disrupt and already rocky campaign. So until April 24….

 

- Heading into a new weekend at the box office, the defending champ from last weekend is the animated Disney flick Horton Hears a Who!, which pulled in $45 million in its opening weekend. With Jim Carrey voicing the lead character, the film scored big with moviegoers and with this being a holiday weekend, it looks to have a good chance for a second consecutive big payday. Last weekend’s second-place movie was the historical epic 10,000 B.C., a film with cavemen, mastodons, sabertooth tigers and more…and a film I have no interesting in seeing. Great FX aside, I just don’t have any desire to watch a film about what some filmmaker thinks the world might have looked like 12,000 years ago. Third in last weekend’s box office earnings race was the clichéd fight film Never Back Down, which made $6 million. However, since the estimated cost for the movie was just $20 million, it was actually a decent haul. Stay tuned for this weekend, which should be a decent one at theaters.

 

- One other NCAA Tournament note: Memo to all businesses out there across all sectors of our economy - stop trying to gravy train on March Madness by attempting to work the word “madness” into your company’s commercials or ads. Doing so isn’t clever, cute or amusing. Including the word madness doesn’t link your company with the excitement of the tournament; it makes you look like an unoriginal, un-creative ass. CBS tried to link the madness concept to its Monday night lineup of lame comedies for this coming week, failing to realize that no matter what term you use, those shows still suck. Same goes for tire stores, electronics stores, restaurants, clothing outlets, etc. What you’re trying to sell has absolutely no relationship to the real March Madness and basically by using the madness concept you’re just showing that you either can’t or don’t want to take the time and effort to come up with a slogan or tag line that’s actually good and related to what you’re pitching. So if you’re reading this and what I’ve said hits a little too close to home, I make no apologies because I’m doing you a favor by pointing out something you need to fix.