Sunday fun

- I haven't mentioned it yet this year, but just so you know that it hasn’t changed: George W. Bush is still a moron, just as stupid in 2007 as he was in 2006. His great new plan for Iraq calls for……..yup, you guessed it, more troops! We keep sending more and more, and the rate at which they are being killed is increasing, so this isn't at all a formula for disaster - oh, wait, it is. Our Commander in Chief will keep on ignoring the obvious solution, admitting the whole Iraq invasion was a mistake and withdrawing all of our troops immediately so the Iraqis can figure this mess out for themselves. On Wednesday, W. will address the nation, and of course that means while all of the networks put his speech on, I’ll be finding a college basketball game to watch instead. But his new plan puts him directly in confrontation with the Democratic-led Congress, so we can hold out hope that some Democratic senators and representatives will attend the speech, heckle W. and throw flares and rocks at him like Euro soccer hooligans at a big EPL match. Well, at least that’s my dream. Hank Clinton can even come from stage right and clothesline W., then grab the mic, WWE-style, and declare, “That’s right, b*tch, I’m comin’ for your seat in the Oval Office!”

- Speaking of our (un)beloved and mentally challenged leader….W. is claiming that a new federal law gives him the right to read any letter he wants when that letter is sent via U.S. mail. I haven't read the law itself, so I can't comment on whether that’s true or not, but let’s assume that the worst case scenario is true and that the Prez has the right to be nosy and read your letter if he wants. How can you possibly combat this? Simple, actually: make sure that you write letters only using words with more than one syllable. Multi-syllabic words will absolutely confuse the hell out of that doofus, and if you can work in some three and four syllable words, he’ll need a bottle of Excedrin just to cope with the headache he’ll have from trying to read your letter. “Com-, com-, com-……….aww, Cheney, ‘git in here and tell me what this letter says, I can't read this word!” Stick to things you can figure out, W, namely trying to fish the prize out of your box of Cracker Jacks.

- Worst off season move in Major League Baseball goes to…..the Arizona Diamondbacks. The off season isn't over yet, but the race for this award is. The D-Backs not only traded for a 42-year-old lefty who’s steadily breaking down, both physically and mentally, but they extended his deal by two years and $26 million, further compounding their error. Giving the Yankees three good prospects for him is even worse. This looks a lot like a desperate grab by Arizona for their glory days, when they smacked down the Yanks in the 2001 World Series with Big Unit and Schilling leading the rotation. I know the National League West is very mediocre and you think that adding any semblance of talent at all will give you a shot, ‘Zona, but this was a bad move at a bad time. Remember, in baseball, contracts are guaranteed, so you can't just cut Johnson and save millions when he falls apart.

- Well, it’s certainly good to be seeing some benefits from our efforts to fight the good fight in Afghanistan. By that, of course, I am referring to an insurgence of Afghan heroin into the U.S. following our toppling of the country’s Taliban regime five years ago. Nearly 90 percent of the world’s heroin is made from poppies in Afghanistan, and while the percentage of heroin in the U.S. is still overwhelmingly from South America, South America’s percentage has dropped 19 percent in recent years as the amount coming from Afghanistan has risen. The Drug Enforcement Agency maintains that Afghan heroin isn't becoming a bigger problem, and I for one am stunned to see an official in a government agency during the W. administration refuse to admit an obvious problem. So we liberate Afghanistan, we get more heroin from them, we invade Iraq to protect our Middle East oil interests……who are we going to invade next, Japan or Taiwan so we can get cheaper, better electronics and technology?

- When did a field goal or extra point become the most difficult play in football? In a three week span, the Cincinnati Bengals botched an extra point to lose a game in Denver, a field goal to lose a game that would have put them in the playoffs a week later, then the Dallas Cowboys botch an easy field goal attempt that would have won their first round playoff game in Seattle. The first Cincy botch and the Dallas misfire both came on the snap and hold of the ball, not the actual kick. But how players can't execute one of the most simple, elemental plays in the game is a must, and if you can't get it done, you don’t deserve to be in the playoffs or to win in the playoffs. Tony Romo has been slowly sinking the Cowboys’ ship for weeks with his declining play and abundant turnovers, but mishandling the field goal snap and not being able to recover was the final dagger in a disappointing season for Bill Parcells and the ‘Boys.

- Chart news for music after one week of 2007: despite wearing the fake mustache/fake nose/big plastic glasses disguise, changing address, phone number, email and fax number and filing for a restraining order, we have been unable to keep crappy music from following us into the new year. How do I know that? The year began with a week in which Justin Timberlake, the weasel-voiced former man band star, still with a Top 10 album. Fergie, the skank, synthesized, faux-tough girl whose video features human-sized candy canes and lollipops, has the second ranked single on the charts. And former American Karaoke, er, Idol contestant (she may have won, I don’t know if she did, nor do I care) Fantasia (and by the way, only famous people with actual talent and more of a list of accomplishments than being on some hack reality show are allowed to go with the one name only) is coming out with a second album. I know you get an automatic record deal if you win that stupid show, so you’re guaranteed one album, but handing a second one to any of those losers shows that there are many, many things wrong with this world of ours.