Good news on the heroinfront, the end of "Man Law" and more bad news for smokers

- I recently rapped the NHL All-Star Game for being irrelevant, stupid and uninteresting, so it’s only fair to take a shot at the NBA All-Star Game for being idiotic, but for a very different reason. First off, I understand that these games are exhibitions for the fans, and so for the most part, they should be tailored as such. The fans vote for the players (the starters anyhow), so the guys they most want to see will play the most. Sometimes, though, someone needs to save the fans from themselves. The brain dead buffoons who stuff the ballot boxes at NBA arenas and go online to vote 50 times should not be allowed to elect Yao Ming, a guy who has missed about ¾ of his team’s games this season due to a leg injury and won't even be able to play in the game. Nor should fans be allowed to elect The Big Unwilling to Work Out, Shaq O’Neal, who has missed just as much time as Ming and has just recently come back to action. If the fans aren't smart enough to vote for guys who are healthy and having great years, then they don’t deserve the right to vote. “If the fans want to see a guy, then he should be selected,” apologists will say. Yes…..to a point. If a guy hasn’t played more than half of his team’s games, then he should be ineligible. Hats off to you, stupid NBA fans, I salute you for making this game, already a joke because it is bereft of defense and intensity, an even bigger laughingstock.

- Speaking of the NBA, nice operation you’ve got going there, Commissioner Stern. Your worst franchise, the one that’s a massive abomination and so terrible that the world’s greatest city, a basketball crazed town, is openly rooting for the team to lose so its coach will be fired and those same fans are not attending games at nearly the rate they used to. The New York Knicks are awful, yet they are, according to Forbes, the league’s most valuable team. The Knicks have an estimated value of $592, despite nearly $40 million in operating losses last season. So let me make sure I understand this. A team that was among the worst in the league last year, a team eight games below .500 this year, with a roster full of selfish stars, bloated contracts and no role players to make it successful, is the most valuable? Since when does constant failure, poor management, internal turmoil, selfish employees and a disinterested customer/fan base translate into high value? Enron was run in similarly disastrous fashion, so how come that company didn’t become America’s most valuable and financially solvent? If being awful is making the Knicks valuable, then this season should boost their overall worth to around $1 billion, give or take a few dollars.

- Money usually makes people stop and take notice, most especially when they are losing it. Thus, imposing fines on establishments that fail to enforce Ohio’s new public smoking ban seems like the best (and perhaps only truly effective) option. Many bars, lodges, etc. have been lax in enforcing the ban, voted into effect by Ohio voters this past fall, for fear of losing business and creating tension with patrons. Now, though, a new measure before the state’s General Assembly would provide for fines up to $2,500 per offense for establishments and employees of those establishments that allow smoking, following one warning. I applaud the potential new law, partially because I’m not down with being forced to inhale secondhand smoke and thereby increasing my risk of lung cancer and partially because I enjoy sticking it to smokers and anyone who wants to collaborate with them to keep smoking in public places a reality. Fine them $5,000, fine the smokers too, throw ‘em in jail, they deserve it. If even one person gets lung cancer who never smoked a day in their life and only got cancer because of secondhand smoke, then every smoker ought to be fine and jailed.

- Sadly, the “Man Law” series of Miller Lite commercials is over. The spots, which featured actors Eddie Griffin and Burt Reynolds, pro wrestler Triple-H, former football player Jerome Bettis, former NFL coach Jimmie Johnson and others, just didn’t boost sales enough, so Miller is pulling them. Just goes to show you that the entertainment value of a commercial doesn’t mean squat. A lot of people love the Super Bowl commercials and go gung ho over them (not sure why, I’m there for, oh yeah, the actual game), but do you actually go out and buy a product because of the spots you see during the game? In fact, Miller’s standing in the beer sales rankings actually went downward during the campaign, so we’ve seen the final declaration of Man Law, sadly.

- I won't be reading the new book by Scott Baio, which mostly details his hookups with famous actresses and Hollywood types. I would gladly read it if I felt like it would address some of the real questions I have about Baio, mostly about his ambiguously-gayish relationship with Buddy on Charles in Charge and how a family enlists a twenty-something dude to care for their young daughters, one a teenager. Those are things that need to be addressed, not how many actresses you’ve shacked up with, Scotty.

- Score one for the heroin junkies of the world. And let’s face it, by the way, life is tough enough for heroin addicts, they’re at a real disadvantage, so any small victory is cause for celebration. Afghan President Hamid Karzai has rejected a plan to spray his country’s heroin-producing poppy plants with herbicide, as Colombia has done. Karzai explained that he fears spraying would harm legitimate crops, which is a great defense, I suppose, if you’re looking to cater to the powerful drug trafficking organizations in your country. Sounds like ol’ Hamid isn't going gangbusters to find a way to address the heroin problem, nor does it sound like he considered this measure, advocated by the U.S. especially (us trying to horn in on other countries’ business again, amazing and shocking), too heavily. So take heart, druggies of the world, the leading source of the world’s heroin isn't going to go after your precious poppy plants any time soon.