Random thoughts from south beach

- I know real estate is tight and expensive, especially on South Beach, but why the frak is there no free or cheap public parking anywhere? I shouldn’t have to pay $8 to park on the fifth level of a parking deck down the street from the convention center just to go and pick up my runner’s packet and swag at the marathon expo. Nor should I be forced to pay $22 for some valet service to park my car for the night because no hotel on the entire street has their own parking. Not just rich people want to visit South Beach, so maybe work in something more affordable for the average joe.

- Unless you are a) foreign, b) very wealthy or c) both of the above, you feel out of place quickly on South Beach. A whole lot of expensive sports cars and imports driving around, and a whole lot of people not speaking English on the streets are commonalities on the streets. I heard French, Spanish, Italian, Japanese, Dutch and a few other languages bandied about, but rare was the encounter with anyone who spoke English, even rarer if you stipulate that it was English without a broken, stilted accent mixed in.

- Most of the music, television and movie references to South Beach would have you believe it’s one giant party from dusk to dawn, especially at night, and that there are five hot girls per square foot, no matter where you turn. And while there was a lot of partying and excitement going on (not as out of hand as you might expect), there most definitely was a dearth of hot girls, even on the beach. The hot girls just weren't there, definitely not the way a Will Smith video or an episode of CSI: Miami might lead you to expect.

- I found about three semblances of normal, mainstream America (at least the kind you’d find in a Midwestern state, a state in the Northeast or the heartland) on South Beach: exactly one Walgreen’s Pharmacy, one BP station and a Burger King. Maybe there are more hidden somewhere, but it just felt like a place that’s really, really out of touch with the rest of the country.

- That said, there are some good places to eat that aren't ridiculously expensive. You end up paying more for a meal than you would most anywhere near where you live (unless you actually live in Miami or Malibu), but not to the point that you do a double take when you see the prices on the menu. It is, however, funny when you get the check and there’s a message that a 15% gratuity has already been added, but you can feel free to add to, subtract from or altogether eliminate that gratuity. Right, I’m going to double the tip that you automatically assumed I would give on top of the slightly overpriced meal I just paid for.

- I still don’t understand how I didn’t see at least two dozen car accidents and at least as many pedestrians run down by cars. People are constantly streaming across streets and crosswalks and there are always cars on the roads, lots of them. Cars lurch forward, people boldly step in front of them……yet a collision always seems to be avoided. Mix in the scooters and mopeds people like to putter around in and it seems like a formula for traffic catastrophe.

- If the definition of fun is stumbling back to your hotel at 4:50 a.m. drunk and unable to form a coherent, logical sentence, then count me out. I passed a lot of people who fit that description on my way out of the hotel, including one inebriated pair comprised of an overweight, under-clothed woman trying to coax a piggyback ride out of her boyfriend, who was woefully inadequate in terms of lifting power to hoist this chick on his back, especially in his intoxicated state. Plus, I’m sure these people felt really good and really sharp when they awoke in a drunken stupor around noon that same day. Good times.

- People may be rich, but that doesn’t mean they understand geography or the English language. You can call the place you live Star Island, but your 50-foot yacht doesn’t overrule the fact that the place you live is not surrounded on all four sides by water. You have a road from the MacArthur Causeway to your place of residence, people. If you look at a map and find Hawaii, you’ll find that there is no connection to any of those islands from a continental land mass. But who needs to concern themselves with geography and all when you can drink Cristal on your giant boat and hide behind your gated community walls?

- TV sets were being erected along the beach one after another for what seemed like half a mile. ESPN, FOX, NFL Network….beams, scaffolding, artificial turf, backdrops and more were flying around like it was the friggin’ home depot and Pier One combined. Of course, this meant several access points to the beach were blocked off, but the important thing is that our favorite TV and radio personalities be able to avoid walking too far to get from their hotel to the set and then to the beach.