- Major League Baseball needs to stop playing this game of drug testing chicken with former Sen. George Mitchell, who is heading up the government’s investigation into the role of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs in the sport. MLB keeps trying to hang on and resist the inquiries of the investigation, seeking to hold on to as much information and privacy as possible and giving up only what they are threatened and coerced into. Unless a court order or legislative act requires them to loosen their grip on information, they aren't going to do it. Well, Mitchell made it clear to owners at the end of the most recent MLB quarterly meetings that they will either cooperate with him or risk the involvement of the government and entities within it that have the power to sue, subpoena and compel testimony. The House Oversight and Government Reform Committee held a series of hearings on steroids and pro sports in 2005 and 2006, leading to career-undermining moments for Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro and Sammy Sosa. Now, MLB is lagging behind in complying with requests made by Mitchell, and he promised that if this keeps up, government involvement is almost certain. Look, MLB, we all realize you want to protect your image and not damage it any more than your roid-fueled stars already have, but know this: the entire country, especially the baseball fan base, is 104% certain that your players use ‘roids, period. If you come clean, allow Mitchell the access he wants and cop to what we know to be true, then maybe fans will have a chance to believe that the game is on its way to cleaning things up and could someday be a legitimate league in terms of being clean of steroids. Otherwise, you’ll continue to look like you have something to hide and are content to keep lying to those who support your sport.
- I hate stories about Lindsay Lohan, so I’ll make this quick. What concerns me the most is not that she’s an alcoholic party addict going to rehab, it’s that she was quoted as saying she was happy to be watching American Idol and was really getting a good laugh out of it. Anyone that derives pleasure from watching that glorified karaoke crapfest is clearly in need of serious mental health assistance. This proves once again that celebrities are no smarter, cooler or advanced than the rest of society and in some cases might be among the least mentally advanced members of our culture. Death to American Karaoke!
- Scratch this one off the list of potential anti-aging plastic surgery tactics: a former Salinas, California beautician was sentenced this week to 15 years in prison for injecting cooking oil into the buttocks of a patient as an anti-aging measure. The patient died, while the beautician gets a decade and a half behind bars to figure out why it doesn’t say on the bottle, “For use in cooking a gourmet meal, a great family dinner….or helping a patient’s ass look ten years younger!” As vain as many Americans may be and as desperate to turn back the clock on aging as the scores of people (especially women) who get tummy tucks, Botox, implants, collagen injections, etc. are, when you reach the point where you’re willing to allow someone to inject cooking oil into your derrière to make it look younger, it’s time you stop and take a serious look at where your life is headed. Hope that was worth dying for, the chance to have a more firm, round butt for however long this woman lived after that ill-fated procedure.
- Reason #174 that Bill Clinton will never, ever, under any circumstances, move to Michigan: as a side note in a drugs-for-sex exchange case, a Michigan appeals court ruled that if state laws regarding adultery were to be strictly enforced, the offender could be sentenced to life in prison. Although no one has been prosecuted for adultery in Michigan since 1971, the law is still on the books and apparently is on the radar of the judicial system there. Makes you wonder, if one violation could send you to prison for life, what’s the penalty for a serial adulterer? Is it possible that someone like Bubba Clinton could get the needle for his, um, numerous dalliances and affairs? Stay out of Michigan, B., because as unlikely as it is that someone will prosecute for adultery, you’re one person who should not run the risk of finding out if it actually could happen.
- Because our country needs another reason to senselessly panic over a potential terror threat that isn't actually true, the Defense Department contradicted its previous report about renegade Canadian coins containing radio frequency transmitters for use in espionage activities. Previously, the D.D. had published a friggin’ report about the coins, raising concern among many Americans and probably a high percentage of senior citizens with those dam purses full of coins that they insist on using to pay for everything including at the post office or grocery store when their bill is like $35 and they have a line of a dozen people behind them……oh, sorry, got on a mini-rage tangent there, I’m back. Anyhow, nothing like a branch of the government erroneously inciting panic, only to come back a short time later and say, “Oops, our bad, we don’t know how that happened, but never mind what we said before.” Situations like this can only bolster Americans’ confidence in those running our fine nation….right into the ground. Well done, Dept. of Defense, well done.
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