Seven years for justice, less than one to recycle crappy movie ideas......

- It’s not uncommon to hear the criticism that there are no new, fresh ideas for TV shows and movies, and that everything is basically a recycling of what’s worked in the past. There’s truth in that, but when you start getting multiple films with just about the same friggin’ premise and plot and they come within a few years of one another instead of a decade or two, then it’s just offensive. Studio execs are that inept and unoriginal/lazy, that they can't even think of a concept that hasn’t been done already this past year? What really highlighted this trend for me is the new/no-so-new film The Messengers, which operates under the shocking premise that there is supernatural activity that can only be seen by children. Let me rack my mind to see if I’ve heard that recently…..oh yeah, the damn Sixth Sense movie, a film that everyone ran around quoting for weeks. “I see dead people,” became a staple of pop culture thanks to Bruce Willis and child-star-gone-bad-in-the-making Haley Joel Osment, and here we are just a couple years down the road and we have a movie with the exact same freaking premise! Even if you tried just a little bit, you could find something more original than that. Give a room of chimps some typewriters, a few bananas and four hours and they could come up with something more imaginative. Plus, last year, we had The Omen, about a young boy who was himself possessed by the devil, continuing the trend of kids and demonic activity. Is there some sort of demand for this genre that I’m not aware of (other than Michael Jackson, who loves any film featuring young boys)? Otherwise, there are just a lot of very dumb, very lazy, very incompetent writers and studio execs out there with way too much decision-making power when it comes to which movies get made.

- I’ve heard it argued that pro sports franchises should hire a common sense coordinator, an average joe from the outside who would be able to point out seemingly obvious things that get lost to those inside the team because they’re simply too close to the action and too inundated with their own “smarts”, facts and figures to see things that the average fans sees easily. I’m beginning to think that this idea would be doubly good when applied to TV networks. Take the just-canceled CBS show Armed & Famous as a prime example. This programming albatross was canceled after four episodes when it became clear through abysmal ratings that viewers weren't down with seeing E-list “celebrities” like Erik Estrada, Jack Osborne, LaToya Jackson and Wee Man go through training to ostensibly become cops. Had CBS employed a common sense coordinator, that person could have told them that nobody wants to watch people who have no talent, no substantial career success, minimal charisma and are simply angling for their next gig pretending to become members of a police force. Yeah, like a routine traffic stop becomes any more interesting just because Erik Estrada is there to spice things up…..What’s next, you’re going to tell me that a show about Dustin Diamond, James Van Der Beek and Tatyana Ali in training to become airport baggage screeners won't work either? Of course, no one’s heard from Van Der Beek lately, so he may already be working as an airport baggage screener. In fact, that seems really likely, to be honest.

- On again, off again. Barry Bonds’ new contract with the San Francisco Giants is on hold once again, this time because Major League Baseball has some issues with it. These are not major problems and once the team and Bonds dot a few final I’s and cross those semantic T’s, the deal will be done. But shouldn’t the Giants take it as a bit of an omen that there have been so many holdups, fits and starts to this thing. I’m not one to believe in fate and destiny, but perhaps the baseball gods are trying to tell the team something here. Don’t feel obligated to sign this guy just because he’s been with you for a decade plus. Let him break the career home run record elsewhere and become a surly, bitter killjoy with another team. We’re heading for a fun season, with every single person inside baseball and pretty much every fan except Bonds’ diehard Kool Aid drinking sycophants rooting against him breaking Hank Aaron’s record. I wouldn’t be surprised if MLB issues some sort of unwritten, wink-wink directive for teams to intentionally walk Bonds at least 90 percent of the time he comes to the plate. Of course, I’d be on board with this, because nothing would be funnier than seeing Bonds play this season and still not break the record. Go away, Bar-roid, no one wants you around and no one wants you to have that record.

- Celebrities appear to have a very tough time with the concept of paying the bills at storage facilities they rent space at. Late last year, Whitney Houston had a storage facility auctioning off her belongings when she ran up a $200,000 tab of unpaid rent, and now Paris Hilton is pissed because someone bought her personal belongings at a storage facility auction when she failed to pay a $208 rent bill. Memo to celebrities: the “Do you know who I am?” card doesn’t really work when you try to use it with the cops, and it doesn’t work when you try to use it to get around paying your bills. You don’t pay your storage bills, your belongings get auctioned off. Storage bills, you need to pay, just like you need to pay your taxes (yes, you Wesley Snipes and Richard Hatch). A website that I won't give any added notoriety to bought Hilton’s belongings and put them up, then charged people $40 for a month to access the site and view them, as well as exposing photos of the skanky socialite. Hilton has sued the site, which is funny because she’s been seen naked and in extremely compromising situations by pretty much everyone with an internet connection. But let me help you with some math, Paris, since it’s not your specialty. Had you paid the storage bill, you would have shelled out substantially less than whatever you’re paying your attorney per hour for this lawsuit. My guess is that $208 wouldn’t even cover on hour of work for whatever high-priced legal eagle you’ve got on your payroll.

- What you simply cannot ignore or downplay in America is the expediency and swiftness with which justice is administered. When someone’s rights are violated, the judicial system comes down swiftly and sternly…….give or take seven years. That’s how long it’s taken the courts to decide that the rights of about 200 protesters that demonstrated at the 1999 World Trade Organization conference in Seattle were violated. A federal jury agreed that the city of Seattle did indeed violate the protesters’ Fourth Amendment rights against unreasonable search and seizure. This, of course, means that the protesters can seek some sort of settlement or recompense from the city, but good luck with that. If it took seven years just to decide that your rights were violated, it’ll take another decade to decide how much compensation that entitles a person to. Ah, the American judicial system, it’s a beautiful thing at times like this.

- Cultural imperialism is one thing America has always been very good at. We’re successful at foisting our culture and customs on the rest of the world, whether they like it or not. McDonald’s, Nike, pro sports….but now we’re infecting another nation with a vice that has the distinct accomplishment of creating financial problems, addictions and crime in many of our nation’s biggest cities: casino gambling. Manchester, England will be the home of a new Vegas-style casino, to be built in the next few years. So I guess England’s senior citizens just couldn’t find a way to spend away their loose change and pension checks, they needed slot machines for that. Brits just can't find a productive way to use their disposable income, maybe. Giving to charity, taking a vacation, traveling or investing just aren't options, so roll in the blackjack tables, roulette wheels and poker tables. The increase in crime that comes whenever a new casino is built should be great too. If I’m a resident of Manchester, this is a verrrrry exciting day…..to move to London or maybe Ireland.

I still hate Brett Favre, but I love the concept of a Jennifer Wilbanks rock opera!

- If you’re slotting the beauty pageants in terms of which one is cooler and more interesting, the Miss America pageant, which just awarded its title to Miss Oklahoma Lauren Nelson, would be a notch or two below Donald Trump’s Miss USA pageant. This is largely because Nelson, an aspiring Broadway star (deduct points for that), has not 1) had slutty photos of herself posted online, 2) been accused of drug and alcohol use, 3) helped corrupt a younger pageant contestant into her clubbing lifestyle, and 4) been seen making out with other chicks. She appears to be pretty squeaky clean, and thus pretty uninteresting. Other factors in this particular pageant losing status and relevance: Mario Lopez hosted, and as much as I love A.C. Slater, if he’s hosting your event and it’s 2007, that doesn’t say good things about you. One of the celebrity judges for the event was Chris Matthews, and if that blowhard is involved, then he is 1) promoting himself somehow, and 2) making the whole thing less enjoyable. Also, the pageant incorporated so-called “reality show tactics” like the aforementioned “celebrity” judges and increased viewer voting. Let’s face it, no one wants to hear about squeaky clean, girl next door types who are genuinely interested in helping children in the context of a beauty pageant. Give us the skanks, the partiers and the morally impaired………..

- I’m not sure when or where the trend of creating operas and rock operas based on recent news and cultural events got started, but I like it. First, it was an opera about the Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding skating/assault scandal. You remember it, Harding had some of her goons whack Kerrigan on the knee in a back hallway of an arena because Harding wasn’t good enough to beat out a healthy Kerrigan for a spot on the U.S. Olympic team. An opera was written and performed about the saga, and now that idea has been applied to the bug-eyed runaway bridge from Georgia, Jennifer Wilbanks. Who could forget that crazy whack job, with her eyes popping right out of her skull and her zany story about faking an abduction and going across the country on a bus on the eve of her wedding? Well, the Red Clay Theatre & Arts Center in Duluth, Ga., will be the site for a rock opera about the Wilbanks story beginning in October. Any time a society can hold our freaks and mental cases up to continued, increased scrutiny and do so by openly deriding and belittling them on stage, I’m down. I look forward to the Michael Jackson opera about his (alleged) child molestation and house equipped with “adult alarms” and the rock opera about that nutty lady who lived in a tree for a year to save it from being cut down (went by a nature name, something like Butterfly). This is about the only way to add any intrigue to operas, because hearing overweight tenors belt out unfamiliar songs in Italian just isn't doing it for me.

- What are the odds that a California jury administers actual justice to a celebrity accused of a crime? Well, there’s the O.J. trial…..never mind on that….well, there’s the Robert Blake tr-…..never mind on that. Umm, maybe the odds aren't good, I guess, but maybe the trial of singer Brandy for misdemeanor vehicular manslaughter will be different. I would advocate prosecuting her for the awful, atrocious music she’s unleashed on all of us, but I don’t believe there’s a legal precedent for that. In the case of the accident, Brandy rear-ended a Honda sedan with her big, frakkin’ Range Rover, sending the Honda into the center divider, after which it was hit by another car and the driver of the Honda, a 38-year-old waitress from L.A. (i.e. aspiring actress) was killed in the crash. It would be refreshing, for once, to see a rich, famous person actually receive justice for a crime they committed, and I’m sure the family of the victim would appreciate that as well. Of course, it’s SoCal, so there are better odds of a massive snowstorm hitting and the entire region running out of Botox than there are of Brandy actually getting the maximum one-year prison sentence that comes with a misdemeanor vehicular manslaughter conviction.

- Will Brett Favre be back with the Green Bay Packers next season? Does anyone give a frak? Why is anyone paying attention to a past-his-prime gunslinging quarterback whose team is mediocre at best? All of the above are questions that need to be answered, and if last off-season is any indication, we’ll have plenty of time to debate each and every one of them. Think back to last year, when Favre ended another subpar regular season with promises to make up his mind on retiring or returning to play. He drug the decision out for an excruciatingly long period of time, seemingly vacillated back and forth, back and forth, screwed the team over because they couldn’t make a lot of roster decisions and moves until they knew his plans, then decided to come back. That meant a second straight year of sitting on the bench for 2005 top draft pick Aaron Rodgers, who has gotten zero chance to develop because he continues to be stuck behind Favre. Well, ol’ Brett came back, he was OK, not stellar, and the team finished a pedestrian 8-8. Now, he promises that he’ll make a quick decision on whether he’ll play in 2007, but how can you possibly believe that promise? He’s a self-promoting media hound who is being incredibly selfish and putting himself way ahead of his team at all times, yet he tries to pull off the “Aw shucks, I’m just a good ‘ol boy who loves playin’ football” routine. I wish he would just retire because he’s no longer relevant, but rather is a circus clown sideshow that has no bearing on the things that truly matter in the NFL. Go away Bret, go home to your farm and ride around on your tractor all day long. You’re no longed needed in the NFL…….

- Somebody should tell would-be thieves in Denmark that the Italian Job, The Score and The Thomas Crowne Affair are just movies, not blueprints for these tools to try to imitate. In downtown Copenhagen, thieves attempting to break into a department store’s jewelry department drove a car through the store’s front window and across the ground floor of the store, but they left empty-handed when they were unsuccessful at running the car into the jewelry counter. A metal security gate prevented them from accessing the jewelry area, so the masked men turned around and drove back out. Brilliant plan, you Evel Knievel wannabes, but next time maybe mix in a little planning and forethought with your daring automobile stunts and then you might have a chance at actually pulling off a successful heist. Questions like, “Is there an iron security gate guarding the jewelry?” would be an excellent starting point.

Rich, white foreigners in Harlem....this should end well

- Been there, seen that before. That’s the initial sentiment when you find out that a former Arkansas governor is running for president. The connections essentially end there, though, because this time the candidate is Republican Mike Huckabee, whose reign in his state’s highest office ended earlier this month after a 10½ year run. Well, to be he honest, there is one more connection between Huckabee and President Bubba Clinton - they both hail from the tiny town of Hope, Arkansas. But Huckabee is 1) a conservative, 2) doesn’t have an angry, feminist, looks-like-a-dude wife who aspires to be President, 3) doesn’t have a freaky predilection for interns and cigars and 4) has yet to be the subject of dozens of SNL skits. Huckabee seems to be outnumbered 50-1 by his Democratic counterparts seeking their party’s nomination, so his odds have to be better if nothing else. He’s also written a book, From Hope to Higher Ground: 12 STOPS to Restoring America's Greatness, which I’m sure he in no way timed up to coincide with his push for the White House. Call me crazy, but I just can't foresee a possible Huckabee tenure in the Oval Office being nearly as interesting as Bubba’s time there.

- ESPN seemed like it had a nice idea with its “Bracket Buster” weekend of college basketball, started several years ago. The weekend pits teams from lesser known, so-called mid-major conferences and pits them against one another in what has become a 51-game slate, 13 of which are televised on the ESPN family of networks. The gist of the event was getting exposure for these teams and putting the spotlight on teams that might otherwise be ignored by the basketball public yet still make significant noise in the NCAA Tournament. However, what Bracket Busters weekend has become is an unnecessary interruption in each team’s league schedule and a guarantee that half of these teams that badly need wins to boost their postseason chances will get a loss and do it in much more visible fashion. These mid-majors are knocking one another off, when what they need is to play and beat more highly esteemed teams. The whole concept has run its cycle and even though it will keep going because ESPN is dogmatic about that type of thing, it really could go away and no one would be all that bummed. The matchups were announced today, by the way, in case you’re interested, just go to ESPN.com’s college basketball page.

- Parents, you no longer have to drag your kids on a vacation to Washington, D.C. in order to bore them with a visit to the Smithsonian. I mean, let’s face it, what kid isn't jazzed about getting forced into a museum on their vacation to look at artifacts and relics instead of going to the beach or to Disney World? Well, thanks to the newly minted Smithsonian Networks LLC, a partnership between the museum and Showtime Networks, Inc., programs like documentaries on Smithsonian artifacts and other highly educational shows will be seen starting in April. So avoid the whining and fighting your kids do on a long road trip or when you fly, don’t bother with paying the price of admission and never have to travel hundreds of miles to be able to hear, “When can we leave?” No, you can now have all of that sheer, unadulterated joy from the comfort of your own living room.

- What better way to brighten the lives of poor, underprivileged kids in Harlem than a visit from rich, out of touch, aristocratic royals from Europe? Prince Charles and his wife Camilla visited a school in Harlem this week, where undoubtedly they had no time identifying with and relating to kids with whom they share neither a culture, socioeconomic status, a lifestyle, hobbies, etc. The kids, I’m sure, were incredibly impressed by two old white people, one of whom has been waiting as next in line for the British throne for decades now and probably won't ever get his shot. And what can allow rich, white foreigners to relate better to Harlem school children than riding your own private train into the city to visit them? On the upside, this is one story about the British monarchy that doesn’t involve me having to hear about Diana, so that’s a tremendous positive.

- See, this is why I avoided wrestling in high school. Well, the gay-looking singlets had a lot to do with it, as did rolling around with other sweaty dudes on those unsanitary mats. But now, a herpes outbreak in Minnesota that has affected ten high school wrestling teams has forced a postponement of those teams’ respective seasons, even their practices, until the problem can be addressed. Well, I don’t think that was on the form the parents signed when their kids went out for wrestling. “Your child will receive wrestling instruction, coaching on techniques and strategies, learn the value of hard work and competition and also contract a nasty STD.” People like to rip on pro wrestling (it’s entertainment, a TV show people, not a sport, which it doesn’t pretend to be), but at least I can't remember hearing about any outbreaks of herpes among Triple H, Mick Foley, John Cena, the Hardy Boyz and The Rock at any point.

- Well, 31 days should take care of an alcohol addiction, no? Ok, so maybe not, but Miss USA, Tara Conner, has spent her month in rehab and she apparently feels she’s good to go. She’s out and is now trying to go the recovering alkie route, with the sympathy, the tears, etc. I’m torn here, because on the one hand, as a human being, you want to see someone overcome what’s a terrible problem that destroys too many lives, but on the other hand, if Conner stops drinking, drugging and getting her freak on, does that mean we’re no longer going to see her out clubbing with other hot pageant contestants, making out with chicks and basically fulfilling the fantasy of every frat dude in every college in America? Can we just eliminate the alcohol and the harder drugs and keep the rest? There has to be some sort of compromise to be struck here, c’mon……

I love technology, not as much as you, you see....but I still love technology, always and forever.........

- If I hadn’t been on my way to or, later in the day in, South Beach, the place I would have most liked to have been was our nation’s capital on Saturday afternoon, joining with thousands of people (including a few celebrities - actual ones, people with talent an/or intelligence, not the D-list losers who appear on loser shows like Dancing with the Stars) protesting the war in Iraq. Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon were there, and heck, even 20 active-duty military personnel were there to protest the war. So now people who could be among those assigned to go fight in this war think it’s a bad idea. Is there any group or organization anywhere that doesn’t have members actively opposing this debacle? Unless W. and his family plan to be the first few in the 21,500 troop surge that this jackass wants to send to Iraq, he should really reconsider his plan and his refusal to pull our military personnel out of there.

- Remember awhile ago when word got out that from now on, Tom Cruise and his Scientology cohorts would have to read and approve any movie script sent to The Whack-O One’s new wife, Katie Holmes? Well, even though no official explanation was given for Holmes’ rejection of a role in the newest Batman movie, Dark Knight, a sequel to Batman Begins and a prequel to all of those horrible, cartoonishly bad Batman movies of years gone by with Val Kilmer and George Clooney, you can't help but wonder if Cruise and the Scientological whack jobs gave the project a thumbs down. The producers even offered Holmes $2 million to play the role. So either she’s getting some “guidance” on this one, or she’s hung around with Cruise so long that she too is insane, because Batman begins was great and this next installment promises to be good as well.

- Never have I seen a contract so laden with restrictions, out clauses and provisos…..Barry Bonds has finally finalized a new 1-year, $15.8 million contract with the San Francisco Giants to play a subpar, slow left field, hit occasional home runs into the bay in roid-fueled pursuit of baseball’s all-time home run record and to generally be a surly ass in the locker room. The contract comes with some notable qualifications, namely that the team can void the deal if Bar-roid is indicted on perjury charges by the government in its ongoing investigation into Bonds’ grand jury testimony in the steroids case against other entities he’s associated with. Also, the Giants are now banning Bonds’ two personal trainers/drug pushers from the locker room and from being around the team. In years past, he’s had his own entourage at all times and these two stooges even had their own lockers next to Bonds’ in the locker room. Now, Bar-roid will have to sit in his special plush leather chair, ignore his teammates and watch his own personal plasma screen TV in his separate corner of the locker room without his posse flanking him. Looking at the details of this contract, you can't help but feel the love between Bonds and the team and get the sense that they are genuinely ecstatic to have him back…….riiiiight.

- The Billboard music charts are again a giant joke, filled with unlistenable songs containing inane lyrics, so it’s time to go off the charts and talk about an album that’s actually good and exceedingly listenable. Of course, this means it has no chance of making it onto any Billboard charts, but oh well. The new album by the Shins, Wincing the Night Away, is a great follow-up for the bands previous great albums, Chutes Too Narrow and Oh, Inverted World. A couple of the tracks have hints of Morrisey and thus The Smiths, but it’s not a copycat album by any means. The lyrics are unique and catchy, and the first single, “Phantom Limb”, isn't the only good track on the album, which is too often the case when you hear new music from a group. Sea Legs and Sleeping Lessons are two other great tracks in the typical Shins vein, although they’re more than just a continuation or regurgitation of previous sounds from the band. In other words, this is a group that’s growing musically and lyrically but managing to keep many, almost all in fact, of the qualities that made you like them in the first place. And no, don’t discount them just because they’ve been prominently mentioned and featured on a popular, mainstream TV show (The O.C.). Listen and enjoy, peeps…….

- You always want to put technology to good use. Otherwise, things can turn very ugly - just look at the robot in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Well, kids in Milwaukee have been putting technology to good use. They have been using their cell phones to call in reinforcements when they get themselves into a fight, and in a brawl last month at a Milwaukee high school, police and pepper spray were required to bring peace to a fracas. Nearly 20 people ended up involved in the fight when those initially involved called in backup using their cells, and as a result, the city is banning cell phones at all of its high schools. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that when Apple designed its new iPhone, “Call in your crew for a brawl at school” wasn’t one of the features or utilities. Maybe it should be, though; if you can download and listen to tunes, surf the web, send text messages, store contact information and appointments, take pictures, why not add a feature that enables a kid to summon reinforcements for a throwdown in the parking lot? Maybe even set up a program whereby you punch in the specifics of the fight and your phone spits out the numbers of how many friends you’ll need for the fight, which are best suited for a particular battle based on height, weight, fighting experience and weapons expertise….and as always, you can count on kids to understand how best to use any sort of technology. Well done, kids, well done, America’s future is in good hands.

Random thoughts from south beach

- I know real estate is tight and expensive, especially on South Beach, but why the frak is there no free or cheap public parking anywhere? I shouldn’t have to pay $8 to park on the fifth level of a parking deck down the street from the convention center just to go and pick up my runner’s packet and swag at the marathon expo. Nor should I be forced to pay $22 for some valet service to park my car for the night because no hotel on the entire street has their own parking. Not just rich people want to visit South Beach, so maybe work in something more affordable for the average joe.

- Unless you are a) foreign, b) very wealthy or c) both of the above, you feel out of place quickly on South Beach. A whole lot of expensive sports cars and imports driving around, and a whole lot of people not speaking English on the streets are commonalities on the streets. I heard French, Spanish, Italian, Japanese, Dutch and a few other languages bandied about, but rare was the encounter with anyone who spoke English, even rarer if you stipulate that it was English without a broken, stilted accent mixed in.

- Most of the music, television and movie references to South Beach would have you believe it’s one giant party from dusk to dawn, especially at night, and that there are five hot girls per square foot, no matter where you turn. And while there was a lot of partying and excitement going on (not as out of hand as you might expect), there most definitely was a dearth of hot girls, even on the beach. The hot girls just weren't there, definitely not the way a Will Smith video or an episode of CSI: Miami might lead you to expect.

- I found about three semblances of normal, mainstream America (at least the kind you’d find in a Midwestern state, a state in the Northeast or the heartland) on South Beach: exactly one Walgreen’s Pharmacy, one BP station and a Burger King. Maybe there are more hidden somewhere, but it just felt like a place that’s really, really out of touch with the rest of the country.

- That said, there are some good places to eat that aren't ridiculously expensive. You end up paying more for a meal than you would most anywhere near where you live (unless you actually live in Miami or Malibu), but not to the point that you do a double take when you see the prices on the menu. It is, however, funny when you get the check and there’s a message that a 15% gratuity has already been added, but you can feel free to add to, subtract from or altogether eliminate that gratuity. Right, I’m going to double the tip that you automatically assumed I would give on top of the slightly overpriced meal I just paid for.

- I still don’t understand how I didn’t see at least two dozen car accidents and at least as many pedestrians run down by cars. People are constantly streaming across streets and crosswalks and there are always cars on the roads, lots of them. Cars lurch forward, people boldly step in front of them……yet a collision always seems to be avoided. Mix in the scooters and mopeds people like to putter around in and it seems like a formula for traffic catastrophe.

- If the definition of fun is stumbling back to your hotel at 4:50 a.m. drunk and unable to form a coherent, logical sentence, then count me out. I passed a lot of people who fit that description on my way out of the hotel, including one inebriated pair comprised of an overweight, under-clothed woman trying to coax a piggyback ride out of her boyfriend, who was woefully inadequate in terms of lifting power to hoist this chick on his back, especially in his intoxicated state. Plus, I’m sure these people felt really good and really sharp when they awoke in a drunken stupor around noon that same day. Good times.

- People may be rich, but that doesn’t mean they understand geography or the English language. You can call the place you live Star Island, but your 50-foot yacht doesn’t overrule the fact that the place you live is not surrounded on all four sides by water. You have a road from the MacArthur Causeway to your place of residence, people. If you look at a map and find Hawaii, you’ll find that there is no connection to any of those islands from a continental land mass. But who needs to concern themselves with geography and all when you can drink Cristal on your giant boat and hide behind your gated community walls?

- TV sets were being erected along the beach one after another for what seemed like half a mile. ESPN, FOX, NFL Network….beams, scaffolding, artificial turf, backdrops and more were flying around like it was the friggin’ home depot and Pier One combined. Of course, this meant several access points to the beach were blocked off, but the important thing is that our favorite TV and radio personalities be able to avoid walking too far to get from their hotel to the set and then to the beach.

Good news on the heroinfront, the end of "Man Law" and more bad news for smokers

- I recently rapped the NHL All-Star Game for being irrelevant, stupid and uninteresting, so it’s only fair to take a shot at the NBA All-Star Game for being idiotic, but for a very different reason. First off, I understand that these games are exhibitions for the fans, and so for the most part, they should be tailored as such. The fans vote for the players (the starters anyhow), so the guys they most want to see will play the most. Sometimes, though, someone needs to save the fans from themselves. The brain dead buffoons who stuff the ballot boxes at NBA arenas and go online to vote 50 times should not be allowed to elect Yao Ming, a guy who has missed about ¾ of his team’s games this season due to a leg injury and won't even be able to play in the game. Nor should fans be allowed to elect The Big Unwilling to Work Out, Shaq O’Neal, who has missed just as much time as Ming and has just recently come back to action. If the fans aren't smart enough to vote for guys who are healthy and having great years, then they don’t deserve the right to vote. “If the fans want to see a guy, then he should be selected,” apologists will say. Yes…..to a point. If a guy hasn’t played more than half of his team’s games, then he should be ineligible. Hats off to you, stupid NBA fans, I salute you for making this game, already a joke because it is bereft of defense and intensity, an even bigger laughingstock.

- Speaking of the NBA, nice operation you’ve got going there, Commissioner Stern. Your worst franchise, the one that’s a massive abomination and so terrible that the world’s greatest city, a basketball crazed town, is openly rooting for the team to lose so its coach will be fired and those same fans are not attending games at nearly the rate they used to. The New York Knicks are awful, yet they are, according to Forbes, the league’s most valuable team. The Knicks have an estimated value of $592, despite nearly $40 million in operating losses last season. So let me make sure I understand this. A team that was among the worst in the league last year, a team eight games below .500 this year, with a roster full of selfish stars, bloated contracts and no role players to make it successful, is the most valuable? Since when does constant failure, poor management, internal turmoil, selfish employees and a disinterested customer/fan base translate into high value? Enron was run in similarly disastrous fashion, so how come that company didn’t become America’s most valuable and financially solvent? If being awful is making the Knicks valuable, then this season should boost their overall worth to around $1 billion, give or take a few dollars.

- Money usually makes people stop and take notice, most especially when they are losing it. Thus, imposing fines on establishments that fail to enforce Ohio’s new public smoking ban seems like the best (and perhaps only truly effective) option. Many bars, lodges, etc. have been lax in enforcing the ban, voted into effect by Ohio voters this past fall, for fear of losing business and creating tension with patrons. Now, though, a new measure before the state’s General Assembly would provide for fines up to $2,500 per offense for establishments and employees of those establishments that allow smoking, following one warning. I applaud the potential new law, partially because I’m not down with being forced to inhale secondhand smoke and thereby increasing my risk of lung cancer and partially because I enjoy sticking it to smokers and anyone who wants to collaborate with them to keep smoking in public places a reality. Fine them $5,000, fine the smokers too, throw ‘em in jail, they deserve it. If even one person gets lung cancer who never smoked a day in their life and only got cancer because of secondhand smoke, then every smoker ought to be fine and jailed.

- Sadly, the “Man Law” series of Miller Lite commercials is over. The spots, which featured actors Eddie Griffin and Burt Reynolds, pro wrestler Triple-H, former football player Jerome Bettis, former NFL coach Jimmie Johnson and others, just didn’t boost sales enough, so Miller is pulling them. Just goes to show you that the entertainment value of a commercial doesn’t mean squat. A lot of people love the Super Bowl commercials and go gung ho over them (not sure why, I’m there for, oh yeah, the actual game), but do you actually go out and buy a product because of the spots you see during the game? In fact, Miller’s standing in the beer sales rankings actually went downward during the campaign, so we’ve seen the final declaration of Man Law, sadly.

- I won't be reading the new book by Scott Baio, which mostly details his hookups with famous actresses and Hollywood types. I would gladly read it if I felt like it would address some of the real questions I have about Baio, mostly about his ambiguously-gayish relationship with Buddy on Charles in Charge and how a family enlists a twenty-something dude to care for their young daughters, one a teenager. Those are things that need to be addressed, not how many actresses you’ve shacked up with, Scotty.

- Score one for the heroin junkies of the world. And let’s face it, by the way, life is tough enough for heroin addicts, they’re at a real disadvantage, so any small victory is cause for celebration. Afghan President Hamid Karzai has rejected a plan to spray his country’s heroin-producing poppy plants with herbicide, as Colombia has done. Karzai explained that he fears spraying would harm legitimate crops, which is a great defense, I suppose, if you’re looking to cater to the powerful drug trafficking organizations in your country. Sounds like ol’ Hamid isn't going gangbusters to find a way to address the heroin problem, nor does it sound like he considered this measure, advocated by the U.S. especially (us trying to horn in on other countries’ business again, amazing and shocking), too heavily. So take heart, druggies of the world, the leading source of the world’s heroin isn't going to go after your precious poppy plants any time soon.

Visit a wax museum lately? If so, you're a loser, sorry.

- Why does every pro sports league or players association try to sound magnanimous and pioneering when they announce that they are going to have more detailed and thorough drug testing procedures for their respective athletes? The National Football League and its players union have reached an agreement for more potent penalties for those caught using performance-enhancing drugs and also for the addition of blood-booster EPO to the list of substances players will be tested for. Three additional players from each team will be randomly tested for steroids each week, raising the number from seven to 10. This is all well and good, but why should there need to be months of negotiations for the right to test the players? I know there are issues with medical privacy and all, but shouldn’t everyone associated with the sport be welcoming to any additional testing that would ensure players are clean and not putting harmful performance enhancers into their bodies? Does anyone need to go back and look at the life of Lyle Alzado, a man whose career swan-dived, along with his health, because of steroids? He died and suffered terribly because of his steroids usage, which in turn wrecked his body and led to an early demise. So you’ll have to excuse me for not being impressed, NFL, by your new agreement. Should’ve happened a long time ago without needing such prolonged negotiations, it’s best for everyone involved.

- Glad to see that Congress, part of it anyhow, has done what most Americans are now doing; ignoring the pointless, aimless ramblings of our intelligence-deprived Commander in Chief, W. A day after W. implored Congress to give his proposed troop buildup in Iraq a chance to work (hey, didn’t they say the same thing about the Titanic and the Hindenberg?), the Senate Foreign Relations committee shot down the plan by a 12-9 vote. Heck, even though most of the Republicans on the committee voted for the measure, they even spoke out against it beforehand. They then fell in with the party line, but hearing one senator after another make a plea to turn responsibility over to the Iraqis for running their own country was great. W. has pride and he’s stubborn, but how many people have to line up against him before he concedes that he is wrong and that his plan isn't going to work? Your legacy as a tool and a screw up is pretty much sealed, pal, so maybe try to put a nice bow and some wrapping paper on the giant turd known as your presidency by pulling our troops out of Iraq and maybe history won't remember you quite as harshly.

- All those very insightful, very fresh local news reports with a reporter standing outside the post office just before midnight on Tax Day Eve will have to wait this year. Normally, we’re subjected to Anonymous Reporter A standing outside, talking to slackers who’ve waited til the last moment to mail in their taxes, with the normal deadline being April 15. It’s such an interesting, thought-provoking report that most of us reach for the remote to change the channel….“Excuse me, are you just mailing your taxes? Can you tell me why you were waiting to the last minute to pay more money to the government?” This year, though, April 15 is a Sunday and the next day is Emancipation Day (no idea what the hell that is), which is a holiday in Washington, D.C., so the IRS has benevolently declared that everyone can have an extra two days to get their taxes in. Ah, the IRS, a bastion of generosity, empathy and kindness to Joe Taxpayer, what an organization.

- The more I pay attention to this subject, the more disturbed I become. Yet another cruise ship illness has broken out, and honestly, there have been so many the past month I’ve lost count. East Coast, West Coast, it doesn’t matter. Food borne illnesses, viruses - heck, one cruise line even lost a passenger at sea on his honeymoon and paid the guy’s family $2 million to settle. This most recent illness occurred in San Francisco, where hundreds of passengers on a worldwide cruise aboard the Queen Elizabeth 2 were strickened with a stomach virus. More than 300 people, 276 passengers and 28 crew members, came down with Norovirus, the Center for Disease Control reported when the ship docked in ‘Frisco. Why exactly does anyone go on a cruise if there seems to be a near-certainty that you’re going to get seriously ill while onboard? Do you need to go to the doctor and get vaccinated for every known disease, then wear a HAZMAT suit all cruise long in order to stay healthy on a cruise? Maybe the Bubble Boy from Seinfeld could go on one and be alright, but personally I’m not going to take a chance with it.

- I said it, and now it’s happening. When you’ve got two weeks between the NFL conference title games and the Super Bowl, you start getting moronic, inane stories like this: first, we learn about a Chicago-area woman who induced labor early so her husband could attend Sunday’s Bears-Saints game. That gem leaked out early this week, now there’s a story about some woman, also a Bears fan, who is attempting to garner tickets for the Super Bowl by allowing some company to use her stomach as advertising space. I doubt it’s a permanent ad, but this pregnant lady is trying to take advantage of her condition by turning herself into a human billboard. Two other tools in Chicago (man, a lot of idiots there) who own a restaurant are trying to trade free meals for life at their eatery for two lower bowl tickets at the big game. Again, when you have waaaay too long between games, people start digging up crap like this to fill the time. And think, we’ve still got 10 days to go, which means more stories like this are on the way. I get it, OK, people really want Super Bowl tickets and are willing to do really dumb stuff to be able to attend the game. But how the hell does any of this have any relevance to the game itself, to what happens on the field and who wins? I don’t need to know about degenerate freaks who will sell their soul and their first born into slavery so they can get a ticket.

- You can't always make generalizations about people based on small parts of their lives, such as where they spend their free time or go for amusement. One notable exception, though, is people who visit wax museums. I can unequivocally say that if you visit a wax museum willingly (assuming you’re not a kid dragged there by his or her parents), then you are a loser. This brings me to the exciting new development at Madame Tussauds New York wax museum, where the wax versions of David Beckham and wife Victoria have arrived. There’s nothing quite like seeing the freaky, inanimate, yet mildly lifelike wax versions of actual living people…..sure. Who in their right mind wants to go stare at artificial recreations of real people in a museum? It’s weird, and now it includes some soccer weenie from Europe who no one in America gives two shakes of a lamb’s tail about. Will the wax recreations show Becks faking an injury, taking a dive after a pretend foul, eating an orange slice, or whatever else soccer players do? But I’m sure this “attraction” will draw scores and scores of very cool, non-loserish people to the museum………

More reasons hockey sucks, elitist white people in the ATL and a new TV show in need of being cancelled

- I don’t give a rat’s ass about professional hockey. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the majority of Americans feel the same way. How can I make that claim? Well, when the NHL went on strike last year (I think, it’s not that important to me, so I don’t devote valuable memory space to it), no one talked much about it or lamented not having NHL hockey around. Now, when the league is back, people who attend games regularly report that the arena was literally half empty when it should be the prime portion of the season. Plus, all NHL games are on Versus, an obscure cable network that probably 95% of American households don’t have. The most recent piece of evidence: I happened across a story on the radio today about the NHL hockey game being held tonight, and I thought, “Really? I had no idea that was going on, not at all.” It’s not a hot topic anywhere on the sports scene, and if your all-star game is on a little-known cable network on a weeknight, that says a lot about your sport’s popularity. Canadians love hockey, and as far as I’m concerned, they can have it. Move all - well, however many NHL teams there are - of the pro hockey to Canada and keep it there, don’t broadcast any games back to the U.S. either. Sit around eating your round bacon with maple syrup, Canada, asking what life is all “aboot” and with your Royal Mounties and their horsies keeping your streets safe, put on your beloved soccer on ice and don’t subject the rest of us to hockey, a sport we don’t give a crap aboot.

- A big, hearty salute for the newest Captain Obvious, David Petraeus, the general charged with carrying out our moronic president’s doomed plan in Iraq! This dip stick made the startling revelation to Congress that they shouldn’t expect quick results in Iraq, a fact that surprised exactly no one. What, General, you mean that a war that’s dragged on for more than two years, cost thousands of troops their lives and continues trying to unite a country of people intent on destroying one another isn't going to be quickly resolved? Really? I just find that shocking. First off, let me qualify your thoughts: 1) going the idiot’s route, staying and fighting a war we shouldn’t be in at all will take a while, yes, but 2) quick results are possible if we pick the correct route and withdraw ALL American troops immediately. Petraeus characterized the situation as “dire”, again eliciting a big fat “No kidding,” from anyone who heard it. All of these administration honks are just repeating the party line, like mindless little drones programmed to say exactly what W. tells them. Why even bother trotting them out before Congress? Just do like Keanu Reeves did in Speed, loop video footage of them over and over, because they’re all just repeating one another anyhow. Then, we can save everyone the time they waste on these hearings and these stooges can worry about actually fixing the problems that they’ve helped to create instead of attending meetings with Congress.

- My prediction for the quickest cancellation of a new TV show this season has just become clear. The new CBS sitcom Rules of Engagement, starring (I use that term loosely) David Spade, Oliver Hudson and Patrick Warburton looks like a four-weeker at best. That’s a safe rule with any show involving David Spade, who is so universally annoying that despising him is the one issue that Americans, Iraqis, North Koreans, Venezuelans and Cubans could all agree on. I feel badly for Warburton, who was funny as David Puddy, Elaine’s sometimes boyfriend on Seinfeld, but my goodwill from that show isn't enough to force me into watching a bad show with a bad pretense and mediocre acting. Great, you have a guy who’s single, one that’s engaged and one that’s married. You’re trying to roll Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond and a dozen other shows into one and patch it in as a midseason replacement show. Here’s a better idea: FOX seems to have abandoned the Man vs. Beast concept, and I’m hankering for some more airplane pulling contests between an elephant and a group of 50 midgets, a hot dog eating contest between a man and a bear and a former Navy seal running an obstacle course against a chimp. Now that’s TV I can get excited about.

- Some very rich people in the greater Los Angeles area are very pissed off right now. They’ve lost their maids, their gardeners, their lawn guys and their butlers thanks to a federal raid that rounded up more than 750 illegal immigrants. Rich people like their servants and they like not paying them much, i.e. hiring illegals who will work for little money. But if the feds insist on gathering up these border crashers and deporting them, there’s going to be trouble. Who’s going to prune the shrubs, fetch the green tea or plant the tulips now? It’s one of the biggest illegal immigrant sweeps in U.S. history, and you can be sure that the White House will use this as fire for their plan to build that wall along the U.S.-Mexico border. Honestly, I’m surprised they only found 750 illegals, that has to be about 1% of the illegal immigrants in SoCal. Maybe they ran out of room in the detainment center and will be back for the rest later. Adios, muchachos y muchachas, adios.

- In some of it’s college football ads this past season, ESPN used phrases like, “Undefeated lives here,” or “Passion lives here,” to describe where great qualities of football and its fans can be found. Well, in Atlanta, the motto is, “Segregation and elitism live here.” At least they live in two Atlanta suburbs, almost exclusively white and very, very rich, and residents of these suburbs want to split off from the rest of Fulton County, comprised mostly of poor, largely black metropolitan areas and form their own county, Milton County. What’s not cool about wealthy white people wanting to separate themselves from people they esteem as lesser than and beneath them? Will they also want to erect a wall around their county to keep out the undesirables? Supporters claim it’s a move that will help create a more responsive government in a county whose population is larger than that of six other states. Well, if you have more people than Rhode Island and South Dakota, then it’s all good, never mind. What you people mean is that it will create a government of people who look like you, think like you and are in your high tax bracket. Thus, you can avoid associating with poor people, minorities and anyone you think isn't quite on your socioeconomic level. But you know what, rich, white, Republican WASP’s of Atlanta, if you want your own county, here’s an idea: there’s plenty of available real estate in Antarctica, so you can have all of that you want and for your own county there. Hell, most of the landscape there is just like you, white and frosty, so you’ll feel right at home.

- What a perfect match: Microsoft, a second rate operating system creating company, teaming up with LeBron James, the supposed King of the NBA who can’t even get his team to first place in its own division and past the second round of the playoffs. James will be promoting Microsoft’s new Windows Vista OS, which I am predicting will once again be the third best OS out there, behind Mac-OS 10 and Linux. Microsoft keeps creating substandard operating systems that freeze up, crash, are difficult to navigate and are generally a piece of crap, James continues to be unable to elevate his team to an elite level and past their Eastern Conference compatriots. I love the symmetry here, and I would encourage other second banana companies to follow suit, sign this guy up right away. Maybe Revol Wireless can cook up an ad campaign with James, or perhaps Ford can bring back the Pinto and have LeBron be its official spokesman.

Missing another boring speech by W., plus more reasons to love Heroes

- My new favorite college basketball coach (well second behind the coach at my beloved alma mater, the University of Akron, Keith Dambrot) has to be Bruce Pearl, head coach at the University of Tennessee. Pearl is outspoken, energetic, loud and in your face, just not in the Bob Knight, “I’m an asshole whether you like it or not,” manner. But Pearl is a colorful guy, in more ways than one after he went shirtless and painted his entire upper body orange, just like the other rabid UT fans in the stands at Monday night’s Tennessee-Duke women’s basketball game. He topped off the look with a UT headband and a giant “V” painted on his chest in white, the first letter in a four-man group spelling out “Vols”, the shortened version of UT’s Volunteers nickname. Stick in the mud, stodgy, conservative types are all contorted in indignity at Pearl’s colorful display of school spirit and support for UT women’s hoops, but that kind of thinking is several decades behind the times and just plain wrong. How awesome is it to have a coach, in his 40s, who is willing to go shirtless, paint his chest and act like a nut? I love it, and no, it’s not going to go over poorly with his players or cause trouble with them not respecting his authority. I suspect that they, like me, will think it’s hilarious and fresh. Don’t let the haters deter you from doing this kind of thing, Bruce, college basketball and sports are better for it.

- This definitely snuck up on me…..the State of the Union address was tonight, and damn, I missed it again. That really chafes my hide, let me tell you. A boring, excruciatingly long speech by an ignorant. incompetent blowhard made even longer by sustained applause from sycophants after every single sentence W. utters is must-see TV for me. I just wish I hadn't gotten tangled up in stuff like watching college basketball, watching my favorite shows like Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars, clipping my finger nails, organizing my sock drawer, cleaning the lint trap in the dryer and learning to speak Farsi, because then I might have remembered to watch. But since I forgot, I’ll just have to assume that this speech was like every other one our fearless, mindless leader makes these days; an attempted defense of an indefensible war, feeble, empty gestures aimed at easing tensions with a Democratic-led Congress that hates him and awkward attempts at pronouncing the names of foreign leaders and of any words with more than one syllable. In other words, a rousing good time and the perfect time to break out a new “George W. Bush” drinking game. Y’know, every time W. mispronounces the name of a foreign leader, do a shot of tequila, every time he says we can still win the war in Iraq, do a shot of vodka. Good times all around……….

- I bring you excess criticism of the bad, ugly and awful music, so the occasional slice of quality music is always needed. It’s a bit late if you haven't gotten on board yet, but one of this past year’s better albums still is ridiculously under-noticed, Nightcrawler by Pete Yorn. Yorn, with this third solo effort, has crafted a well-rounded album, mostly rock, but some slower, more melodic tunes, but overall it’s an album that manages to rise above the normal, run of the mill lyrics about chicks, drugs and drinking. That alone is meritorious, but songs like For Us, which has gotten substantial radio play (at least on Sirius) and Alive are just good, straightforward rock with some thought behind it. Unlike some music (Fergie, Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake, Akon, I’m looking at all of you) it doesn’t settle for a dance-able beat, reliance on synthesizers and lyrics that your average third grader could string together. Give it a listen if you like rock at all or think you might, it’s worth your time.

- Very, very exciting to have Heroes back from it’s long winter hiatus. It’s pretty much the only show I watch regularly that has yet to have what I’d call a bad episode this season, and it has enough twists, turns and curveballs thrown into the plot to keep you guessing but yet it’s never complicated enough that you’re totally confused and frustrated. With a cast of characters as big as the show has, the natural assumption would be that most are peripheral and a select few are really interesting, but Heroes does a great job of keeping more than a dozen different characters into the plot and interesting. Masi Oka’s character, Hiro Nakamura, is absolutely hilarious, his comedic genius is a high point of nearly every show. There’s the sinister and dark (H.R.G., Nathan Petrelli, the mysterious, faceless Linderman), the confused and on a mission types (Peter Petrelli, Isaac Mendez, Claire Bennett) and just about everything in between. Also, new heroes, people with special abilities and powers, keep getting added to the mix, such as Christopher Eccelston’s invisible man character this past week, so the plot just continues to build in excitement and intrigue. If you haven’t tuned in yet, do it next Monday at 9 p.m. before you fall any further behind.

- Since we’re in the terribly awkward, twice-as-long-as-it-should-be break in between the NFL’s conference championship games and the Super Bowl, there’s plenty of time to talk about the game. Rather than dally on the X’s and O’s, the statistics and what not, I’m struck by the fact that for the first time in recent memory, I won't be rooting against either of the teams. Regardless of who wins, it’ll be cool with me. On one hand you’ve got Peyton Manning, who would silence scores and scores of doubters and haters and critics with a win, and Tony Dungy, coach of the Colts and a man who everyone thinks can't win the big game. Flip over to the other side and there’s Rex Grossman, a quarterback that the entire sports media has been ripping for about three months now as a hindrance to his team that will ultimately keep them from winning anything. Plus, you’ve got a Bears team that people are totally discounting because they come from the NFC, a conference so inferior to the AFC that no NFC team has a shot at competing with an AFC squad in the Super Bowl. Neither team has a rude, crass, abrasive coach like the Patriots have had in recent years at the Super Bowl with Bill Belichick, neither team has been to the Super Bowl in decades, so you’re not tired of them, there is no overly syrupy sweet, saccharine storyline being shoved down your throat like last year’s Jerome Bettis-Detroit native storyline that every single writer, commentator and analyst felt compelled to mention 86 times during every interview, story and show and that you’re so sick of that you actively root for that player’s team (the Steelers, in this case) to lose. So whether Indianapolis or Chicago wins, I won't be upset or disappointed. Regardless of the outcome, I’ll be smiling at the end and happy to have a Super Bowl champion I can get behind

Another Cincinnati Bengals arrest? I knew you guys had it in you!

- I need to issue an apology to the Cincinnati Bengals. I recently lamented their lackluster finish to the season in terms of having players arrested, with the squad failing to capitalize on a strong start and get to double digit arrests by season’s end. Well, maybe this is splitting hairs, but the NFL season isn't officially over, even though the Bengals’ season technically might be, but the Bengals are back at it. Defensive back and 2006 top draft pick Jonathan Joseph was arrested for possession of marijuana early this week when a vehicle he was a passenger in was pulled over on U.S. Route 42 in northern Kentucky. The vehicle was driving slowly and swerving a lot, and when the cops pulled it over, they became suspicious of what they saw and searched inside. There they found a backpack belonging to Joseph (with an NFL logo no less) that contained a bag of marijuana. Joseph getting popped for the hippie lettuce is the first arrest for a Bengal player following coach Marvin Lewis’ ultimatum on discipline and improved player conduct. But let’s not lose focus here and worry about what the team might do to Joseph; let’s put our attention squarely where it belongs, namely on the fact that the Bengals are still within reach of my goal for a true dream season, double digit arrests.

- Denver just doesn’t get a break. Residents there can't get shoveled out from the aftermath of one major snowstorm when the next one comes barreling through, and the latest one closed a long stretch of I-70, from near the Denver Airport to almost the Kansas border. Well, at least this time hundreds of travelers weren't stranded at the airport for a couple of days with area hotels jacking up their prices to take advantage of the situation. No, this time I’m sure the airport was full of passengers b*tching about three or four hour delays and wondering how many different chances this would give their airline to lose their luggage. Look, I know some people like snow and the mountains are beautiful in Colorado and what not, but why in the world would anyone choose to live in a place where you get snowed in a half dozen times or more every winter and where travel becomes nearly impossible for a few months each year? Count me out.

- Maybe there is an agenda behind every Democrat with a pulse and more than two working brain cells declaring their intent to run for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. We have a woman (kind of), Hank Clinton, an African American, Barack Obama, and now a Hispanic, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson has entered his name into the fray. So maybe what we’re looking at is the first-ever attempt to have every single minority represented in a primary presidential election, which might not be a bad thing. This has to be some kind of shot in the arm to affirmative action, right? All we are lacking is an Asian American, perhaps a Native American, someone of Middle Eastern descent and a candidate with Pacific Islander heritage to round this out. What is this, anyhow, the presidential race or the United Nations. In the end, all that truly matters is that the most qualified candidate wins and that their race isn't a deciding factor in how people vote - oh, and that Hank Clinton doesn’t get anywhere near the final ballot or the Oval Office.

- Not all that surprising to find out that prison inmates, at least those in state prisons, are living longer than people on the outside. Inmates are dying at a rate of 250 out of every 100,000 annually, while the rate is 308 a year for people not behind bars. But this is a predictable stat; after all, when you lay around most of the day, have a guaranteed three meals daily, are monitored round the clock by guards, have mandated daily recreation time and are assured of shelter and clothing on a permanent basis, I would imagine you would live longer. You aren't at increased risk for skin cancer because you’re only outside for an hour a day, max, you don’t have to worry about being in a car accident or being shot. You’ve got a routine you follow each day and human beings tend to thrive on consistency, schedules and routines. There is the increased risk of being shivved in the shower or having your brownie stolen during lunch hour, but those are the risks you run when you decide to commit a crime that could get you incarcerated.

- Had the door even closed behind exiting Cowboys coach Bill Parcells at the team’s Valley Ranch, Tex. headquarters when pass dropping, teammate ripping, self-centered malcontent T.O. took his first verbal shot at his former coach? Owens said, in part, that Parcells was like his grandmother, stuck in old school ways, and was a big part of the reason that the team underachieved this season and that T.O. himself was underutilized in the offense. I knew these guys hate each other, but wouldn’t common courtesy dictate that you at least allow 24 hours to pass before you start firing salvos at the guy for his performance? What, are you pissed because he didn’t like you faking a hamstring injury and riding a stationary bike on the sidelines at practice in your Lance Armstrong biking gear. T.O.? Did Bill go out there and grease the footballs up so that well-thrown passes continually slid right between your hands and onto the ground in key situations? This is coming from a guy who thinks Parcells is a pompous, abrasive ass and can't stand the guy, so when I say T.O. needs to cool it, you really know he’s crossed the line. I don’t know who the next Dallas head coach will be, but I do know that he better get a guarantee in his contract that as a condition of his accepting the job that T.O. is either traded or released, otherwise things in Dallas are going to end poorly for him, just like they did for Parcells.

- We love Venezuela, and Venezuela loves us right back! Don’t believe me? Just check out the recent comments made by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on his weekly radio and television programs. His heartwarming, sincere remarks were short and simple, directed at the U.S.: “Go to hell!” Well, if that doesn’t warm your heart and stir your soul, I don’t know what does. Apparently our friend Hugo was unhappy that U.S. officials voiced disagreement with and concern over a measure that would grant increased lawmaking power to Chavez, the leftist leader of the South American nation. Under the law, Chavez could pass laws basically unilaterally by making an official decree, and his ultimate goal is a socialist system that our government doesn’t seem to like too much. Hmmm, a foreign country getting pissed about America overstepping our bounds, butting in where we don’t belong and trying to tell the rest of the world how to conduct its own business, I just didn’t see that coming. I mean, it’s not like it’s ever happened before, we’re always so universally loved and well received by those outside our borders. I just don’t know where all of Chavez’s hatred is coming from…..

- Now this presents a tough choice: recently, Oprah Winfrey opened a special school in South Africa for disadvantaged children, and I’m sure that lots of people were looking for ways to get their kids into that school, but Oprah is going to have some competition, because the Taliban is going to be opening and operating its own schools too in southern regions of Afghanistan that it still controls. Two different countries and continents, sure, but how could you not consider sending your child to school at an institution operated by a totalitarian, oppressive regime that abused and tortured people, denigrated women and generally ruled by terror in Afghanistan. Why wouldn’t junior want to learn about how to dress his future wife in one of those head-to-toe mumus and abuse her or become a terrorist fighter? I’m torn, because quite frankly, I’m sure kids will receive top-notch educations at either school, but for the time being I’m going to side with Oprah on this one.

The Donald's next target, NFL tidbits and more

- Living in Northeast Ohio, some phrases immediately strike fear into your heart: lake effect snow, “The Drive” and of course, “part of the Browns under the Butch Davis regime.” That last one applies to the man the Cleveland Browns have tabbed as their new offensive coordinator, Rob Chudzinski. Chudzinski was the tight ends coach for the Browns back when Davis coached the team, botched drafts, signed awful free agents and basically ran the franchise into the ground. The offense was no good back then, and now the Browns bring back a guy who was a part of that. Great. You’ll have to forgive me if this hiring doesn’t inspire confidence and send me into fits of jubilation. Maybe Chud will surprise everyone and be an innovative force to lead the Browns to high-scoring season and a playoff berth. But being associated with Butch Davis in any way, shape or form at the NFL level is two and a half strikes against you, and so Chud is fighting an uphill battle right away.

- This week’s “Height of Hypocrisy Award” goes to all those football commentators who are now saying, “They say Peyton Manning can’t win the big one, and now he’s won it and shut them up.” Excuse me, know-it-all commentators, but you were the ones saying that, so why don’t you stop trying to pawn it off like everyone else was doubting him but you never did. You were one of those voices flogging him for his repeated failures in the playoffs. Someone had to be the ones nay saying against him, yet all of your are pretending that it was someone else and that you were on board with him the whole time. Sure you were, just like you all didn’t rip Rex Grossman and say the Bears can't make a Super Bowl with him at quarterback, except wait, there they are, set to play the Colts in the Super Bowl. I’m waiting to hear one, just one, commentator say, “You know what, I doubted Peyton Manning, I said he couldn’t win the big one, and I was flat out wrong.” Still waiting…….

- Our national nightmare is over, football fans! The Patriots have lost, and in the ultimate ironic twist, Mr. Clutch, Tom Brady, choked in the clutch, throwing the death-blow interception with 19 seconds left as he was attempting to drive his team to the winning score. The hoodie, Bill Belichick, didn’t look so smart in the post game interview as he mumbled barely-audible, monosyllabic responses to questions. How enjoyable was it to see the bitterness and disappointment on his usually smug, arrogant face? He who usually has all the answers suddenly has none. Now, we can enjoy the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl without having to hear everyone wax poetic about how the Patriots just keep getting it done, winning the “right way” and overcoming all the odds and all of the disrespect…..zip it. Moments of joy as a sports fan aren't quite on the level with other great life moments that you actually participate in personally, but seeing the Pats lose was right at the top of my list as far as most joyful sports moments ever, period. In the immortal words of pro wrestling superstars Degeneration-X, Patriots, I’ve got two words for you…..SUCK IT!

- Time for a “Trump”-date on the Donald’s current skirmishes: the town of Palm Beach, Fla. has decided to fine Trump $1,250 a day for flying a gigantic American flag at his Mar-A-Lago property in the city. This has been going on for month, one rich dude fighting with a bunch of other rich people about the size of flag that one is allowed to fly. Based on the verbal beatdown Trump laid on Rosie and Babs Walters in their recent battle (by the way, Donald continues to hammer Rosie, he won't give up), I’m going to advise the officials in Palm Beach to reconsider their stance on this. The Donald will attack your appearance, your career, your manners, your friends, pretty much anything he can take a shot at, he will. I look forward to some smack about rich white guys who are ugly, stupid and unsuccessful coming from Trump’s pie hole very soon.

- Guatemala isn't just good for coffee and guerrilla warfare anymore. The country’s former top drug investigator and his former deputy were sentenced to ten years in a U.S. prison for conspiring to distribute cocaine in America. They were lured here under the pretense of training on fighting drug traffickers, but in reality, the plan was to catch drug traffickers - them. Weird, isn't it, our government lying to someone to achieve an objective. Where have I heard that before, like an administration lying to the country about WMDs in a certain Middle East country to justify a wrongful invasion…..but back to the matter at hand. Nice that your country’s top drug enforcers are on the wrong side of the law, I’m sure that makes Guatemalans feel great. But it’s nice to know that we share the common bond of having lying, deceiving, underhanded government officials who aren’t working for our best interests, but rather against them.

Horse meat? I'll pass. New CW reality show? I'll pass on that, too.

- Glad to see that Floyd Mayweather Sr. places a high value on family loyalty. He refuses to train Oscar De La Hoya for Oscar’s upcoming bout with Mayweather’s son, Floyd Jr………unless Oscar pays Sr. $2 million. I’m loyal to my son……unless you give me a lot of money, then I’m all yours. Tremendous family values, Sr., your loyalty and sense of obligation are truly, truly overwhelming. Father and son have had an ongoing rift since 1999 and don’t speak much, but nice of Pops to cash in on his convenient relationship of father-son to gain some extra money. If you can't use your family as a bargaining chip and leverage to earn some extra cash, then who can you use? Let’s hope Oscar doesn’t give in to Floyd’s blackmailing techniques and finds someone else to train him for the fight.

- I feel compelled to warn everyone about an upcoming menace to your TV watching experience. It’s a reality show (shocker), it’s on the CW network (yes, the one that brings you Beauty and the Geek, again, shocker) and it features the current biggest abomination to the music industry, the Pussycat Dolls (triple shocker). While I’ve stopped being amazed by the depths networks will sink to in terms of reality shows and the abysmal level of subject material they will probe, this one promises to set the bar at a new low. When you have a group of skanks whose sole claim to success is dressing in barely-there outfits, getting big name music acts to do guest spots in their videos and looking hot, I’m sure a scintillating reality show is in the offing. What, do we get to see aspiring fashion designers compete to see who can design the sluttiest outfits for the Dolls’ next video? Or do we see who can write the most lyrically inept, inane song for their next album. Intrigue, intrigue…..

- This is what happens when you raid the hotel mini bar and then don’t have the good sense to stay away from open windows. Joshua S. Hanson of Blair, Wis., fell through the window at a Minneapolis hotel on Friday and fell 16 stories before being caught by a roof overhang. I know people from Wisconsin like to think they can't handle their liquor better than most any maybe they can, but Hanson may need to rethink his policies in that area. There won't always be a roof overhang or canopy to catch your fall; this isn't the movies, where people jump out windows and fall nearly all the way to the ground before a canopy catches them and stops their fall. This sounds more like something that might happen on the tenth floor or a dorm building on your average college campus during the last week of the semester, when everyone is closing things down and getting drunk to celebrate.

- Good news for Barbaro…..kidding, this has nothing to do with the world’s most closely monitored horse - yet. A federal appeals court in Texas has ruled that slaughtering horses for meat is illegal, a move whose importance is magnified because Texas contains two extremely large horse meat processing plants. The ruling overturns a lower court ruling last year that OK’d the practice. However, a bill currently before Congress would effectively shut down all three horse meat processing plants, which would be a good development. I know places in the world eat horse, dog, cat, etc. and it’s all good, but thankfully America is not one of those places. I’m alright with horsies ending up in my glue, but I’d just as soon keep them off of my dinner plate, thanks.

- Attention California high schools….Al Davis is coming and he may be looking to rip your head coach from you. The Oakland Raiders owner, seeking a new head coach for his beleaguered NFL franchise, has now been turned down by every coach with a pulse at the NFL and college levels, it seems. Offensive assistant coach Steve Sarkesian of USC even told Al thanks but no thanks, and that has to be the cherry on top of the humiliation sundae for Davis. His team is such a joke, with so many malcontents and head cases, that no coach in his right mind would want that post. Yet Al soldiers on and is looking to talk to Lane Kiffin, Sarkesian’s co-assistant head coach at USC. How the mighty have fallen……

Panic over espionage coins, death by cooking oil and $130 to try out for a pro soccer team, oy

- Good news for all you aspiring soccer losers out there. The L.A. Galaxy, the Major League Soccer franchise in SoCal, is holding tryouts on February 11-12, so you can compete for the shot to play alongside injury faking, orange slice eating hack David Beckham. On one hand, the event is obviously a publicity grab, just as the Beckham signing is. The Galaxy are trying to get people to care about a sport and team that are so far on the fringe in America that they make Major League Lacrosse look popular by comparison. So you have that angle, but I feel compelled to point out that this is a direct exploitation of the deluded wannabe soccer players out there in order to raise some cash that the Galaxy will desperately need in order to help pay Beckham’s contract. Jeez, they’re charging people $130 apiece to try out, and if that doesn’t scream extortion, I don’t know what does. Come in, maybe kick a few balls, fake a few injuries, get a fruit punch-flavored Capri Sun and out the door you go. Like they’re going to take anyone in these tryouts too seriously….but if they can get 500 morons to shell out $130 apiece, that’s $65,000 towards the astronomical salary that D-Beck will earn, and every bit helps. Keep in mind, though, you need to be a U.S. citizen or have a green card, so no greasy-haired, mullet-wearing Euros or South Americans who can’t make the cut back home need come here and try to steal our soccer opportunities.

- Major League Baseball needs to stop playing this game of drug testing chicken with former Sen. George Mitchell, who is heading up the government’s investigation into the role of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs in the sport. MLB keeps trying to hang on and resist the inquiries of the investigation, seeking to hold on to as much information and privacy as possible and giving up only what they are threatened and coerced into. Unless a court order or legislative act requires them to loosen their grip on information, they aren't going to do it. Well, Mitchell made it clear to owners at the end of the most recent MLB quarterly meetings that they will either cooperate with him or risk the involvement of the government and entities within it that have the power to sue, subpoena and compel testimony. The House Oversight and Government Reform Committee held a series of hearings on steroids and pro sports in 2005 and 2006, leading to career-undermining moments for Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro and Sammy Sosa. Now, MLB is lagging behind in complying with requests made by Mitchell, and he promised that if this keeps up, government involvement is almost certain. Look, MLB, we all realize you want to protect your image and not damage it any more than your roid-fueled stars already have, but know this: the entire country, especially the baseball fan base, is 104% certain that your players use ‘roids, period. If you come clean, allow Mitchell the access he wants and cop to what we know to be true, then maybe fans will have a chance to believe that the game is on its way to cleaning things up and could someday be a legitimate league in terms of being clean of steroids. Otherwise, you’ll continue to look like you have something to hide and are content to keep lying to those who support your sport.

- I hate stories about Lindsay Lohan, so I’ll make this quick. What concerns me the most is not that she’s an alcoholic party addict going to rehab, it’s that she was quoted as saying she was happy to be watching American Idol and was really getting a good laugh out of it. Anyone that derives pleasure from watching that glorified karaoke crapfest is clearly in need of serious mental health assistance. This proves once again that celebrities are no smarter, cooler or advanced than the rest of society and in some cases might be among the least mentally advanced members of our culture. Death to American Karaoke!

- Scratch this one off the list of potential anti-aging plastic surgery tactics: a former Salinas, California beautician was sentenced this week to 15 years in prison for injecting cooking oil into the buttocks of a patient as an anti-aging measure. The patient died, while the beautician gets a decade and a half behind bars to figure out why it doesn’t say on the bottle, “For use in cooking a gourmet meal, a great family dinner….or helping a patient’s ass look ten years younger!” As vain as many Americans may be and as desperate to turn back the clock on aging as the scores of people (especially women) who get tummy tucks, Botox, implants, collagen injections, etc. are, when you reach the point where you’re willing to allow someone to inject cooking oil into your derrière to make it look younger, it’s time you stop and take a serious look at where your life is headed. Hope that was worth dying for, the chance to have a more firm, round butt for however long this woman lived after that ill-fated procedure.

- Reason #174 that Bill Clinton will never, ever, under any circumstances, move to Michigan: as a side note in a drugs-for-sex exchange case, a Michigan appeals court ruled that if state laws regarding adultery were to be strictly enforced, the offender could be sentenced to life in prison. Although no one has been prosecuted for adultery in Michigan since 1971, the law is still on the books and apparently is on the radar of the judicial system there. Makes you wonder, if one violation could send you to prison for life, what’s the penalty for a serial adulterer? Is it possible that someone like Bubba Clinton could get the needle for his, um, numerous dalliances and affairs? Stay out of Michigan, B., because as unlikely as it is that someone will prosecute for adultery, you’re one person who should not run the risk of finding out if it actually could happen.

- Because our country needs another reason to senselessly panic over a potential terror threat that isn't actually true, the Defense Department contradicted its previous report about renegade Canadian coins containing radio frequency transmitters for use in espionage activities. Previously, the D.D. had published a friggin’ report about the coins, raising concern among many Americans and probably a high percentage of senior citizens with those dam purses full of coins that they insist on using to pay for everything including at the post office or grocery store when their bill is like $35 and they have a line of a dozen people behind them……oh, sorry, got on a mini-rage tangent there, I’m back. Anyhow, nothing like a branch of the government erroneously inciting panic, only to come back a short time later and say, “Oops, our bad, we don’t know how that happened, but never mind what we said before.” Situations like this can only bolster Americans’ confidence in those running our fine nation….right into the ground. Well done, Dept. of Defense, well done.

Mike Vick's bong, snow in SoCal and Big Brother is expanding his reach

- Rich people should be able to afford more well-disguised bongs, right? Michael Vick, perennially underachieving quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, either is skimping on his bong-purchasing budget or he’s not as smart as he thinks himself to be. Vick was stopped at a security checkpoint at the Miami International Airport on Wednesday when security noticed that the water bottle he was carrying contained some sort of “dark particulate” and a pungent smell “normally closely associated with marijuana.” Additionally, the bottle had a secret chamber and Vick was cagey about the whole thing, refusing to give the bottle up when asked to. So of course, the cops confiscated it and sent it to a lab for testing, and I think we can all see how this one will end. Vick will cop some lame excuse about how it wasn’t his, he’s sorry about the whole thing, it’s a big misunderstanding, blah, blah, blah. Funny thing is, I was once on a flight with him, flying on AirTran from Atlanta to Newport News, Va. (yes, Mike Vick flies discount airline AirTran, but in first class of course) and he did seem very chill and calm. Now I know why, because he was probably baked and in possession of one of his Dasani bongs. Aren't stoners supposed to be a little more creative when it comes to making and disguising their bongs? C’mon, Mike, you can do better than that.

- Is it possible that we are now deliberately making people famous in America for not having talent? That’s the only logical conclusion I can d raw when people insist on including Kevin Federline, a.k.a. K-Dirt, in commercials and TV programs. He and Paris Hilton are famous for……well, neither has any real talent (and no, Paris’ attempt at an album doth not talent constitute, it was an abominable failure and rightfully so, her music blows - of course so does she, but that’s a different story and you’ve seen the videos on that) but they keep popping up on TV and in the news. K-Dirt is now signed to do a Super Bowl ad for Nationwide Insurance’s “Life Comes at You Fast” campaign, playing a guy who goes from starring in a rock music video to working at a burger joint. Ha ha, too funny, whew, you’re slaying me here, Nationwide, that is soooo funny. I suppose K-Dirt does have scoreboard over his ex-wife, who got slapped down when she wanted to do a Super Bowl ad for the NFL, but other than that, dude’s only ability seems to be marrying women way more successful than him, getting them knocked up and then leaving. Is it too much to ask that someone make this guy go away permanently?

- Well this should clear up the whole “Big Brother spying on its own citizens” mess. W. and his administration of incompetent buffoons have agreed to allow a secret independent panel oversee the government’s domestic spying program. So now, some nameless, faceless entity will be helping the government in invading our personal privacy and sticking its nose where it doesn’t belong? What, is this like when the Vice President’s old company, Halliburton, got beneficial treatment in receiving government contracts? Will the administration simply find some friends of W. or Cheney who happen to be in the security business and decide to appoint them to the committee, with handsome financial compensation for their efforts? The “Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court” sounds like a perfectly pedestrian, nondescript name for this group, eh? Well, if the NSA is going to illegally spy on American citizens and butt into our communications, then why not add someone else to the party? Why not let as many people as possible have access to the private, personal communications of private citizens? Great idea, W. Why don’t you go start another war with a country that has done nothing to deserve it. While you’re at it, why don’t you volunteer to be one of the 21,500 new troops going to Iraq and put yourself in harm’s way. Maybe then you can stop constantly f’ing up the life of each and every American so badly.

- Ulterior motives, ulterior motives…..looking that up in the dictionary, and yup, just as I suspected, there’s Barry Bonds’ picture next to the word. Has anyone been more transparently selfish and self-serving than Bonds? He throws innocent teammates under the bus when he tests positive for amphetamines, and now he’s shockingly coming out in support of Pete Rose and Mark McGwire, two guys with exceptionally questionable character and virtually no credibility, being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Rose, of course, is serving a lifetime ban from baseball for gambling on baseball, a charge he denied for decades, then admitted when he wanted to sell his book and try to get the ban lifted. McGwire, like Bonds, is almost universally believed to have taken copious amounts of steroids to boost performance towards the tail end of their respective careers. Big Roid/Red got less than a third of the needed votes this year for HOF induction, and Bonds clearly saw that and realized his own ‘roid-fueled chances for the Hall might be in jeopardy. So he comes out and says that McGwire and Rose should be in. Gee, Bar-roid, if we follow that logic, then that means than when you come up for induction, you oughta be in too! Amazing how that works, isn't it. Why not just come out and say, “I deserve Half of Fame induction, because you can't prove I took any steroids or when I might have taken them, and I’ve hit massive amounts of home runs, so gimme my plaque and bust in the Hall!” You’d be a whole lot disingenuous and although we’d continue to marvel at what a bad guy and an a-hole you are, but at least you’d be telling the truth - for once.

- The apocalypse came to Southern California recently, in case you missed it. Well, what passes for the apocalypse for those in SoCal, anyhow. While most of the country is feeling the wrath of a major snowstorm that, depending on where you live, has dropped several inches (or in rare cases a foot or two) of snow and made live generally miserable, especially driving, the lightest of light snows fell in the southern part of California, sending residents into a near panic. Shoppers in Buffalo, N.Y. were resigned to shopping with flashlights because most places in their city, including stores, still don’t have power due to the storm, but a light dusting that probably melted within an hour or two and wasn’t enough to even roll a decent snowball from terrified SoCal natives. Hopefully none of them were out with their salt shakers, trying to melt the snow away, but they probably have no idea that table salt and salt for removing snow and ice are two different things….just a friendly winter weather reminder from one of the people in areas where snow is an unwelcome regular during winter. No charge for the advice, SoCals, this one’s on me.

The NFL disses Britney, a Sammy Sosa comeback and sadly, Donald Trump goes silent

- Nepotism, retreads, publicity grabbing - the Miami Dolphins’ search for their next head coach has all this and more. After being dumped by former coach Nick “The Nomad” Saban, the ‘Fins first made themselves look like the world’s biggest doormat when owner Wayne Huizenga professed his respect and continued admiration for the man who had just screwed over his franchise by walking out on a team he had coached to two underachieving seasons, lying about his plans to leave and then telling his assistant coaches of the decision by a conference call instead of face to face. Now, Huizenga and his merry band of stooges are either making a terribly bad football decision or they are desperately grabbing for attention by interviewing recently fired University of Alabama head coach Mike Shula for their own vacancy. Amazing coincidence, interviewing the son of your franchise’s most successful coach ever, Don Shula - keeping in mind that Don is still a senior member of the Dolphins front office. Also, how pathetic do you look, with Saban deserting you to go coach at Alabama and you go and interview the guy he replaced, the one who accumulated a mediocre 26-23 record at UA? The best thing the Dolphins can do right now is scratch Mike Shula off their list, go back to searching among candidates who are actually qualified and viable, and try not to embarrass themselves further.

- Keeping your underwear on does have its benefits. If you don’t believe me, just as Britney Spears, whose antics (which include constantly being photographed without any underwear on while out in public), approached the NFL network about being in a commercial touting the network, but was told no thanks. The NFL’s pointed reply: "She's too much of a train-wreck. Besides we already have Paris Hilton." Ouch. Brit promised her remaining fans (didn’t know there were any) a career comeback earlier this month, but that dubious promise looks to be in trouble. Of course, it’s hard to have a comeback when your music absolutely sucked in the first place and your only “talent” was dressing and dancing like a skank to bubble gum, prepackaged pop music, but I digress. So NFL network would rather have Paris Hilton, a woman who has a sex tape coming out more often than the sun sets in the west, than you, Brit? That would be when you know that you’ve gone very, very wrong. By the way, it’s the right call by the NFL. Anyone who would have sex with and marry K-Dirt clearly is not someone you want doing commercials for you.

- Take heart, all of you (this would include everyone who is not an immediate member of the Clinton family - Bill, Chelsea, Roger, etc.) who live in mortal fear that Sen. Hank Clinton of New York will run for and win the Democratic presidential bid for the 2008 election. Hank will soon be facing her stiffest opposition in the form of Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., who filed paperwork earlier this week to form an exploratory committee for a presidential bid, a move which also enables him to set up the framework for a campaign and begin raising funds. I can't say for sure if Obama would make a good president, but I can say he would be a better choice than the reign of terror that Hank would bring to bear. She is far too angry, far to hostile and far too frightening to unleash on the world as our new leader. Obama would be a more rational, reasonable voice and someone that our country would have a better shot of getting behind than Hank. And while there are currently 751 men, women, children and probably a few farm animals who have declared their intent to run for the Democratic nomination, Obama and Clinton are the two who are most likely to be duking it out in the end. On behalf of all Americans who don’t wish to be governed by an angry, hostile woman bent on inflicting as much feminine vengeance on men as possible in order to even the score for her husband’s repeated, voluminous infidelity, Go Obama!

- Sad news from Donald Trump…..the billionaire and smackdown artist extraordinaire says he is done with his verbal feud with/demolition of Rosie O’Donnell. O’Fat hasn’t said a word in days about the issue, which is smart on her part because clearly she wasn’t going to win that battle and was getting blown up every time she tried. But I beg the Donald to reconsider, because his smack about her being fat, disgusting inside and out, a hack comedian, ugly and a failure that he would probably sue was some of the funniest (and truest) material I’ve heard in a long time. Even if Trump never builds another skyscraper or casino and never opens another luxurious golf course in his life, his linguistic deconstruction of O’Fat and anyone who rallied to her defense was hilarious and memorable. I’m openly wishing for someone, anyone, to take another run at this guy so he can have another chance to tear into them.

- Ride that cash cow, FOX network! FOX has already busted out with a DVD for the first two episodes of this season of the show 24, even though the episodes just aired a couple days ago. for $15, you can own four hours of TV history, as in the season premiere of one of the most overhyped, overrated shows in recent memory, and you can even get a bonus few minutes from the third episode. The only way I’m down for one of those DVDs is if FOX can promise to get rid of the damn multi-window split screens that made me lose interest in the show within minutes of tuning in. Oh, and if there’s some way to CGI the crappy acting and make it better, that would help too. Otherwise, count me out on this one, I think I’ll stick to paying $20-25 for full season DVD collections of good shows that I actually like.

- On the comeback trail……it’s Sammy Sosa, the corked-bat using, steroid popping (allegedly), non-English speaking-when-I’m-in-a-Congressional-hearing-and-it-benefits-me-to-pretend-not-to-understand-English former slugger is working out to make a return to MLB and has even signed a minor league contract with the Texas Rangers that includes an invitation to spring training. Sosa has been out of the game for a couple seasons now after declining numbers (in odd conjunction with the introduction of steroids testing) and bad health resulted in no one wanting him on their team. But he’s laid low, worked out and is coming back, ostensibly in the hopes of boosting his career stats to a level that would garner him induction into the Hall of Fame. Yeah, good luck with that, Sammy. You have 588 home runs, and if you think that breaking 600 will get you into the Hall, you’re begging. Mark McGwire has 563 and was a better player for longer than you, and he didn’t even get a third of what he needed, vote-wise, to get in. So I don’t care if you hit another 100 homers from here on out, you’re not getting in. When there’s debate about whether Bar-roid Bonds, he of the multiple Gold Gloves, the 40 HR, 40 SB season, the guy about to break Hank Aaron’s career home run record, will get into the HOF because of suspected ‘roid usage, then you’re not getting in either.