- Too little, too late. The fallout from the destruction of my dream, an 0-16 season for the Miami Dolphins, came Monday, with the coach who guided his team to the loss against Miami, Baltimore Ravens head coach Brian Billick, getting fired and three executives with the Miami Dolphins also getting axed, including GM Randy Mueller. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good thing, because I wish nothing but pain and suffering on everyone associated with that tragic day when the Dolphins, clearly bad enough to go 0-16, inexplicably rose up and won in overtime after Billick and his team choked away the win. Personally I would have stormed down from the owners’ box and fired him then and there, but Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti was merciful and allowed Billick to finish out a 5-11 season. Honestly, that loss to the Dolphins is so devastating that it almost wipes out the Super Bowl Billick won with the Ravens back in 2003. I’m bitter and I sincerely hope that Billick is never hired for another NFL job again. He helped ruin my dream season, but he wasn’t alone. Three of those who helped put together this season’s Miami Dolphins’ roster, a roster with so little talent that they should have gone 0-16, but one that lacked the focus to come out each and every week without fail and not do what it takes to win, were also fired Monday. Mueller, assistant director of player personnel Mike Baugh and college scouting coordinator Rick Thompson were also fired, and I hate the three of them as well. You all had a part in ruining my dream as well, and here’s hoping you join Billick in never working in the NFL again. These firings don’t change the fact that my dream has been dashed, but at least some of those responsible are getting what they deserve, finally…..
- When will politicians learn that going on a hunting trip is an extremely dicey proposition and one that usually ends up doing more harm than good? Sometimes you end up getting shot in the face by the vice president of the United States (great shot, Mr. Cheney!) and sometimes you end up getting your picture taken with your hunting companion and he happens to be a vile, despicable war crimes suspect. Ivica Kirin, the now-former Croatian interior minister, has submitted his resignation after photos of him on a hunting trip with notorious warm criminal Gen. Mladen Mrkac were published in several Croatian papers. Mrkac has been accused of the slayings of dozens of Serb rebels back in 1995, and he was apprehended late last week at his home in Zagreb. The photos of he and Kirin came out shortly thereafter, showing the two men posing with their catch on the hunt, a wild boar. For some reason, Croatians, including President Ivo Sanader, weren’t cool with a high-ranking official in their government going hunting with a war criminal. Why, I don’t know. Just because the man probably killed or ordered the killing of dozens of people doesn’t mean he can’t live his life as a free man and go hunting with whoever he wants, does it? Ok, so maybe it does. Let this be a lesson to everyone out there, especially public figures: Don’t put anything down on film or video that could screw you over if it ever became public, because chances are that it will eventually. Don’t make sex tapes, don’t make racist or sexist remarks on any type of recording and don’t pose for pictures on hunting trips with known war criminals. It will never cease to amaze me that seemingly smart people who are able to rise to such high positions of authority can be so incredibly stupid in other areas of their lives.
- Allow me to go out on a limb here are boldly criticize the very same people who are about to bring us the return of one of TV’s best shows, Lost. ABC is returning the hit series to the airwaves for a fourth season on Jan. 29, but in the same month, the network is also debuting a ginormous hunk of reality TV crap, a spin-off series from the ultimate show for middle-aged women, Dancing With the (D-List) Stars, with the new show called Dance Wars: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann. Who Bruno and Carrie Ann are, I don’t know. They could be dancers from the show, they could be judges, they could be the lighting crew from the show or they could be two people who happened to be wandering past the set while the show was taping. I have no idea, but what I do know is that based on the promos ABC is running, this is going to be some sort of competition where Bruno and Carrie Ann Whomever select a bunch of losers for their teams and have some sort of variety show-off competition. Right, because that’s what we need, American Karaoke with dancing mixed in. Has it ever occurred to you people that the reason these losers who want to be on your show aren’t already famous is because they’re hacks who aren’t good enough to make it on their own? Besides, your show is crappy enough when mildly famous, washed-up minor celebrities are on it. Now you’re going to mix in a bunch of nobodies and try to pass it off as watchable TV? I appreciate you all bringing me Lost in the middle of a tumultuous season of television, but even that isn’t enough to keep me from ripping you for the moronic decision to green-light Dance Wars: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann. Your promos ask whose side I’m on, well I’m on the side of good TV, so I’ll be siding with neither Bruno nor Carrie Ann, but rather with another channel during that time slot – any other channel.
- I may have found a way to curb the holiday eating binges that cause so many Americans to gain weight during the holidays, but sticking with my plan won't be easy. See, most of us eat too many sweets during this time of the year because everyone is baking cookies, pastries, cakes, brownies, etc. and bringing them to work, giving them to friends and family members, etc. But what if we followed the example of Linda Vancel of Lafayette, Ind., a woman who decided to make some fudge for a local bake sale. During the making of the fudge, Vancel somehow managed to lose a white gold diamond ring passed down from her mother and was unable to find the ring despite searching frantically. She still hadn’t found the ring several days later when she received a note from a man who had bought some of her fudge at the bake sale and found the ring when he bit into a piece of the dessert. Now if we could randomly bake items of jewelry or just small bits of metal into fudge, cookies, cakes and pies during the holiday season, tell me that wouldn’t cut down severely on yoru eating of those fattening foods. If you know there’s even a 20 percent chance that you might swallow, say, a hoop earring or a class ring, you’re telling me you wouldn’t think twice about going for one of those double fudge brownies sitting on the conference table? No need to thank me, that’s what I’m here for.
- Among the stupid things to steal in the world, a functioning GPS system has to be at or near the top. After all, why would you steal something that emits a signal letting the owner and the police know exactly where it is? It’s the specific f’ing purpose of a GPS system, so stealing one basically is an open invitation to the cops on where they can come to arrest you. That didn’t stop one Amityville, N.Y. man from heisting a GPS system, then riding down the street in the early hours of the morning on a bicycle, holding several stolen items including the GPS system. Police, their curiously clearly peaked by the sight of a man riding a bike laden with a bunch of heavy items in the wee hours of the morning, pulled the 33-year-old cyclist/thief over and began asking him questions. The man was evasive and when the officers had had enough of his double-talk, they pressed the home button on the GPS and it displayed a nearby address. The person living at that address confirmed that the system was his and the thief was arrested. Don’t exactly need to be a world-class detective to solve that crime, now do you? Let’s go ahead and put GPS systems on the list with poisonous snakes and police cars as things you really don’t want to try to steal, k? Thanks.
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