- God bless you, Miami Dolphins, because clearly each one of you is committed to making my dream of a reverse perfect season happen. The latest indication that 0-16 is but four easy losses away came this week when veteran linebacker Zach Thomas was placed on injured reserve by the team due to migraines he’s been suffering ever since a fender bender while on his way home from an Oct. 21 game against New England. Mix in the snowy, frigid winter weather currently blowing through the northern part of the country, especially Buffalo, where the Dolphins play this week, and you have the perfect recipe for a loss. Miami is historically awful in temperatures below 40 degrees, which is exactly what they’re going to see this Sunday. Not even another pep talk from Michael Jordan, which the team got before last Sunday’s game, should be enough to halt this dream season. When a team has lost its top quarterback, running back, wide receiver, linebacker and strong safety and has one of the most overmatched rookie head coaches in NFL history, that team is destined for greatness…or whatever the opposite of greatness is, bizarro greatness if you will. I say this to the Dolphins every week, but it’s so important I need to reiterate it: Don’t start doing what it takes to win. Don’t stay focused, don’t do your best and when things get tough, give up. You’re far too close to my dream season to ruin it now, Dolphins.
- Whaddya know, Venezuelans don’t actually want a despotic dictator ruling with an iron fist of terror over their nation for decades to come. I wholeheartedly salute each and every Venezuelan who voted to quash the utterly moronic proposed constitutional reforms by the country’s dictatorial leader, one Hugo Chavez, reforms that would have basically made this a-hole ruler for life. The votes have all been counted now, and by narrow margin of 51 percent against, 49 percent for the proposed reforms, Venezuelan citizens have given the thumbs down. Ever the slimy, sleazy politician, even if he is a dictator, Chavez is putting on a fake, phony front and pretending to accept his defeat gracefully. My boy Hugo is even positioning himself as a true advocate of democracy and lashing out at everyone who’s painting him with a despotic brush. Of course, at the same time he’s vowing to continue foisting the same oppressive, dictatorial referendums on his people, so you can see there’s a bit of a contradiction here. “I want you all to know I’m not withdrawing a single comma of this proposal,” he proclaimed after the voting results were announced. “I will continue making this proposal to the Venezuelan people. This proposal is still alive.” Right, because the last thing you want to do when your people exercise their democratic rights and vote something down is to vow that you’ll continue forcing it upon them until they agree to it. Nothing says patron saint of democracy and non-dictator like refusing to accept the will of the people and vowing to keep bludgeoning them over the head with the same proposals until they submit. What’s next, tracking down each person who voted against the referendums and giving them a friendly, encouraging torture session to convince them of their wrongness and to show them you are a fair and even-handed ruler? Give it up, Hugo, you’re a dictator. Stop lying to us and to yourself. Own it, be proud of who you are (even though no one else is) and embrace your inner tyrant…..
- Gotta love it when athletes and celebrities, especially minor celebrities, go to the “Do you know who I am?” card. One, if you have to go to that, then you’re not important enough for people to know you. Two, being famous wouldn’t excuse you for acting like an ass anyhow. Former University of Florida football player John Demps and current Florida football player Jermaine Cunningham went to the “Do you know who I am?” routine when they assaulted a worker at a Gainesville, Fla. sandwich shop because that worker had the gall to demand that they actually pay for the bag of chips they took and were eating as they waited for their sandwiches to be made. According to a police report, Cunningham threw empty soda cups and Demps threw a sandwich at the clerk at Jimmy John's Gourmet Sandwich Shop when the clerk informed they needed to pay for the bag of chips. Both men were arrested by Gainesville Police on campus at 2:49 a.m., about 30 minutes after the incident. Both Cunningham and Jon Demps, a linebacker who played for Florida in 2005, have been charged with misdemeanor battery. A third man, professional track star Xavier Carter, was with Cunningham and Demps at the time of the incident and was also arrested, although he went full-on knucklehead when the cops came for him. When police approached the three men on the UF campus early Wednesday morning, Carter -- who was walking with them -- began running away and continued despite police requests to stop. Police later apprehended Carter and charged him with resisting arrest without violence. Good thinking, all three of you. One, props for thinking that because you’re a current or former Florida football player, people owe you a free bag of chips any time you want it. Two, way to assault some dude who dares to stand up to you, and to assault him in the most manly, macho fashion – by throwing a sando and soda cups at him. Seriously, what are you guys, 11 years old? Lastly, to Xavier Carter: You may be an elite sprinter, but the cops don’t need to catch you in a foot race, they can just wait until you stop running and arrest you then. All three of you need to rethink things next time you feel the need for a late night food run. Hit the nearest vending machine or go through the drive thru somewhere, because at least then you won't try to snag any freebies and get into a fight when someone calls you out for it.
P.S. Additional props to UF coach Urban Meyer, who pulled a play right out of the coaches’ handbook for dealing with knuckleheads, stalling for time by saying he’s still learning about the incident and won't make a decision on a punishment for Cunningham until he has all of the facts. "I'm getting some reports that sounds like complete ignorance, is what it sounds like," Meyer said. "I guess in my world I got to deal with a lot of ignorance, you know.” Dear Coach: You have the facts, your player assaulted a clerk with soda cups and got arrested for it, now go ahead and give him the slap on the wrist you’re going to give him anyhow.
- Sunday may not have been the day the music died, but it was the day the music took a bullet to the head, a stab wound to the chest and blunt force trauma to the abdomen, because Sunday was the first concert on the ear-assaulting, talent-deprived reunion tour of music’s ultimate hacks, the Spice Skanks, er, Girls. The British quintet, clearly back for a cash grab because God knows they’re not back to produce good music. The hsow was the first with all five Spice Skanks since 1998, which is funny because the memory of when they used to be on the radio and TV frequently, foisting their crap-tacular music on the masses, is still so fresh and painful that it doesn’t seem like it’s been nine years. It’s like a traumatic life event, i.e. a bad car crash or when your home burns down, it never really goes away and the horror of that time always stays with you. For me and for every other fan of good music, the Spice Skanks bring that same level of horror. When asked about the reunion, Skanky Spice, a.k.a. Melanie Chisholm (not sure which one she is, the one with no musical talent…?) express her feelings thusly: “So much time has passed, so much water has gone under the bridge, it’s just great to all be back together.” No, Mel, there isn’t enough time nor are there enough bridges in the world to ever make it great that you all are back together. Just please make whatever meager amount of money you can squeeze out of this and go away for good.
- See, that didn’t kill you, did it America? Don Imus returned to the airwaves earlier this week and the occasion passed without most of you even noticing. Eight months after he became the target of righteous indignation from critics, pundits, minority leaders and loudmouthed idiots worldwide for his insensitive, out-of-bounds comments about the Rutgers women’s basketball team being “nappy headed ho’s,” Imus is back on the air in New York. Other stations around the country are expected to pick his show up in the next few weeks, even though Imus has vowed that “nothing will change” about his show from what it was before the incident, except for no more racist remarks or course. To drive that point home, Imus has added two black comedians, Karith Foster and Tony Powell, to the cast of his show. Again, I think his remarks about the Rutgers team was as stupid as most people think they were, I just don’t see how getting so upset that you want to crucify the guy is the best reaction. If only ignorant people saying stupid things were the biggest problem we had to deal with in the world…..
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