- When the writers’ strike finally ends in Hollywood/New York and all of the TV and film writers get back to work, I hope one of them has the sense of humor and testicular fortitude to write a script about the horr-a that has been the contentious, lengthy and excruciating battle between themselves and TV and film producers. I dare any of these writers to chronicle their “epic” battle to gain more money from the sale of their shows and movies through digital avenues. Talks between the two sides are stopping and starting more than a 1970 Ford Pinto with a bad motor and half-dead alternator, with the latest round of negotiations breaking down Friday night and no future talks scheduled at this point. Of course, these two will meet again and probably in the next few weeks, but neither side has given us much reason for hope. Sometimes, one side feels the other side isn’t compromising enough in their latest offer, other times the other side feels like a proposal they received didn’t address all of the issues, etc., etc. One thing you haven’t heard from either the writers or the producers is, “We hate that this strike is ruining the TV season for all the fans out there and we’re committed to finding a solution so we can salvage it for them.” When the two most-used words in describing the negotiations are “bitter” and “unproductive,” signs for hope are tough to find. The major issue remains payments to writers from sales of shows through new media avenues, i.e. digital versions of their respective projects. I’m setting the over/under on this strike ending at April 30, and at this point I’d advise you to bet the over…..
- Add yet another entry to the list of reasons I won't be visiting Kenya any time soon. Aside from the country’s natural beauty, exorbitant travel costs and frequent civil strife can now be followed by 9-foot-long deadly snake as things that exist in Kenya and thus curb my desire to visit there. Reuters is reporting that the massive slimy spitting cobra has enough venom to kill 15 people and the creature is capable of spitting its venom up to several feet. It’s common in the lowlands of Kenya, which just jumped past Compton, Watts and anywhere in Alaska as locations I’m least likely to visit in my lifetime. The closest I plan on getting to a 9-foot-long spitting cobra is eating a gummy worm or two, thank you much. I wouldn’t even go to a zoo to see a giant spitting cobra if that slimy, disgusting bastard were locked up in a cage behind a six-inch thick pane of glass. New travel rule: Never, ever visit a country where poisonous creates longer than I am tall are not just present but prevalent.
- For those of you who tried to get ahold of me Saturday and were unable to do so, I apologize, but I was in Surrey County, Va., touring the house of dog murderer/gambler/weed smoker/federal inmate/former NFL quarterback Michael Vick. The house is set to be auctioned off this week and quite frankly, I’m looking for a place to electrocute, bludgeon, drown and bury dogs as well as set up a massive dogfighting ring. I figure all of those things have been done at this property before, so it’s an ideal location. Sure, the many dog corpses in the yard are a problem, as are the blood stains and the other remnants of the Bad Newz Kennels operation, but I can work around those. All right, so I’m kidding about the setting up my own dogfighting operation part, but it is true that if you’re looking to acquire a piece of criminal and animal cruelty history, you can put a bid in at the upcoming sheriff’s auction for Vick’s former pad. Vick, coincidentally, was formally sentenced today for his federal conviction on the gambling and dogfighting ring he ran from the property, with Judge Henry Hudson handing down a 23-month sentence that means Vick has zero chance of playing in the NFL before 2010, and that’s not counting the punishment NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is certain to hit Vick with once he’s out of prison. My guess is that Vick’s NFL career is done, with the CFL being his best shot at this point. But either way, your chance to own a piece of American history goes on the auction block this week, line up your financing now!
- Bad news for all people who are mentally stable, don’t have their heads up their asses and might visit Manhattan in part to experience a fun time in Central Park: the popular horse-drawn carriages in Central Park may be banned thanks to the scourge that is animal rights activists. Hang on, let me put down my big, juicy hamburger, take my 16 oz. sirloin steak off the grill, stop making my turkey sandwich for my lunch tomorrow, remove my fur coat and get up off my bear-skin rug so I can address these concerns by animal-rights activists. You suck. There, that addresses animal rights activists. You want more? Ok, how’s about this: You critter-hugging, weepy, wusses need to back off and get a life. These horses aren’t pulling massive weights around the South Pole while being whipped by brutal taskmasters and fed only once a week. Heck, they aren’t even being crammed into starting gates, ridden by midgets, whipped and kicked by those midgets and forced to compete against one another like they are at the horse track. They pull people around a cool place, Central Park, and they are cared for more than adequately. But animal rights wack-a-doos have pressured New York’s City Council into introducing legislation that would ban the carriages because the activists believe the horses pulling them are treated inhumanely. By the way, consider that word for a moment, inhumanely. See which word is in the center of it? Human! These are HORSES, not HUMANS. Thus, they should be treated like HORSES, not HUMANS. It’s not clear how much support this measure has with the council, but Mayor Michael Bloomberg is thankfully taking a sane position on this issue, having already stated that the horses are properly cared for and should remain as a fixture of New York City. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to clean my rifle to go wild boar hunting and string my crossbow so I can bag a deer or two as well while I’m out in the woods…..I may even use some glue to help in the process, which I’m sure you horse-loving animal rights losers would appreciate…..
- Has anyone hit Denver Broncos punter Todd Sauerbrun with a steroid test lately? Sauerbrun has a drug history, having tested positive for ‘roids last season, but that’s not why I’m suggesting he might still be using them now. No, I point to his unprovoked, suspiciously ‘roid-rage-appearing attack on a Denver cabbie as evidence that he might still be ‘roiding up. He has been charged with assault after he allegedly called for a cab as he was leaving a restaurant early on Saturday, but was asked to get out of the cab once it arrived due to belligerent behavior. Sauerbrun is alleged to have struck the driver on the back of the head. He doesn’t have the best track record as far as fitting in and being a non-troublemaking part of a team either. Before his positive steroids test, he was a member of the Broncos before being released by the team and spending last season with the New England Patriots. However, he couldn’t stick in New England either and landed back in Denver this year, which was bad news – for Denver cab drivers. Now I don’t know exactly how this went down, but regardless of what Sauerbrun thinks the cabbie did to provoke him, you can't hit your cabbie in the head. We’ve all had bad experiences with riding in taxis and dealing with taxi drivers. Fares are expensive and you hate sitting there, watching that meter spiral upward so quickly. Maybe your cabbie doesn’t speak English and either he or the inside of his car smell kinda funky. But even if all of these factors merge into a single cab ride, assaulting your cab driver is not an option. Just as you can’t assault your airline pilot or stewardess if your flight isn’t going well and you can’t punch out the conductor if your train ride isn’t a pleasant one, you can’t take your anger out on your cabbie. I just hope for Sauerbrun’s sake that his propensity for using steroids didn’t factor into this incident. Oh, and given the fact that his coach, Mike Shanahan, admonished him upon resigning with the Broncos to, “Just stay clean, just stay out of trouble,” I’d say the team isn’t too happy about this little snafu.
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