- Memo to the Washington Wizards: Don’t f’ with a man and his Dew. The fact that you’ve banned star forward Caron Butler from his ritual of chugging a liter of Mountain Dew prior to every game and another liter at halftime is just horribly wrong. Butler was Butler from Doing The Dew two months ago by the team, which clearly doesn’t understand what a big part of his game preparation it is. With their star player, guard Gilbert Arenas, still out after knee surgery, the Wizards need Butler, their second best player, at the top of his game and if they think ripping his Dew is the way to accomplish that, they are sorely mistaken. Butler explains his Dew jones-ing thusly: “Before every game at Connecticut, I drank a two-liter of Mountain Dew. I'm dead serious. Ask my wife what she would have to go get me before a game. I'd be like, ‘Hey, stop by the 7-11, bring me a two-liter.’ I'd be wired. I'd drink half [before the game], and then I'd drink half at halftime. Because, you know, it shoots you up. And then there's a down, and you're flat-lining, and you've got to go back up again. That's what I've been doing, but they don't want me to drink it any more. They done took my Mountain Dew from me.” Awesome….just awesome. You’ve got a world-class athlete, a guy who makes his living with his body and counts on that body being healthy and here he is, jamming copious amounts of a totally unhealthy carbonated drink laced with sugar and sodium down his throat before and during every game. Personally if he can stomach that much Dew and still play well, I leave him alone. If he wants to main-line Dew on the bench during game and hit it with a Surge or Vault chaser, so be it. If he wants to do a Red Bull/Dew cocktail, it’s fine as long as it helps him ball better. Last I checked, Mountain Dew is not a banned performance enhancer. I’m with you on this one, Caron. I can’t believe they ripped your Dew and I hope you find a way to get it anyhow, maybe slip some in a “special” Gatorade bottle and keep it hidden in your locker. I’m working on more ideas for you, C., I’ll let you know what I come up with…..
- The antitheses of hits just keep on coming for former American Karaoke contestant Jessica Sierra. The former karaoke-er is being threatened by a major porn company with the release of a homemade “sex tape” of a (more specifically, a seedy hotel-made) video in which she poses in states of undress, sometimes even seductively. These days, that gets you the headline-friendly catch-call "sex tape" categorization. When you take the time to slow the video down and break it down frame-by-frame, you get shots like one of those shown on TMZ.com, where Sierra can seen holding a cigarette in a seductive pose. Normally a sex tape or a quasi-sex tape is a step down in someone’s career, even for Paris Hilton, but for Sierra, it’s a clear upgrade. Even Hilton was a wealthy socialite before her numerous sex tapes came out, but what did Sierra really have going for her? She appeared on the biggest joke of a reality TV show in history and will soon be appearing on a celebrity rehab show on VH1 with Dr. Drew. She has nowhere to go but up, and in her case up would include a move to the porn world. Now my first wish for her, as it is with any current or former American Karaoke-er, is that they go away and are never, ever heard from again. But a close second if they refuse to go away is for them to be publicly ridiculed and mocked, so if you insist on hanging around, J., please continue humiliating yourself as frequently and severely as possible, thanks.
- I’ve got a major beef with Miami Dolphins head coach Cam Cameron, because clearly he’s not on the same page with myself and the players on his team when it comes to their chasing the reverse perfect season, 0-16 for this year. Sure, the ‘Fins dropped a 38-17 decision at cold, snowy Buffalo, but don’t think I didn’t notice that attempted onside kick you dropped in with your team having closed the gap to 31-17 in the third quarter, Cam. I don’t think you understand who you’re f’ing with here, pal. I and many others across America are devoted to the goal of a team going 0-16, and if you continue to do inexplicable things like running trick plays to try to help your team win, I or one of my cohorts may have to remove you from the equation, if you catch my drift. Fortunately for all of us, the Bills recovered to onside kick and tacked on a fourth-quarter touchdown to secure the win, thwarting Cameron’s evil plot to win the game. Also, Cameron pulling rookie quarterback John Beck was inexcusable, because clearly he gives your team the best chance to lose and you ignored that and replaced him with Cleo Lemon, who promptly led Miami on a touchdown drive. In the end, it wasn’t enough and I think we can all agree that’s a good thing, because this was clearly one of the two winnable games on Miami’s schedule the other being their season finale against erratic Cincinnati. Thanks to a lost fumble from Beck, two interceptions from Lemon and a lost fumble on a muffed punt by Ted Ginn, that chance to win came and went. Next up, the Baltimore Ravens, a team whose offense is nearly as bad as Miami’s, but whose defense is still one of the NFL’s best, which should ensure a win. After that, the NFL’s reigning juggernaut, the New England Patriots, followed by the aforementioned game against the Cincinnati Bengals. Once again, great job by all of the Miami Dolphins, save that idiot Cam Cameron. Now start not focusing on next week’s game and keep not doing what it takes to win, because you all are just three losses from living the dream….
- Jack Bauer is going to jail, but for how long? True, Kiefer Sutherland has been sentenced to 48 days in jail after pleading guilty to a drunk driving charge, but do you really think he’ll serve the entire sentence. For one, he’s a rich actor in Hollywood, and let’s face it, rich, famous people in SoCal never feel the full wrath of the iron fist of justice. Two, he’s Jack F’ing Bauer, and he’s escaped far more dangerous situations than this on many occasions. He’s escaped from and overcome the Chinese government, conspiracies against him from high up in the United States government and he’s back for another season of espionage…..if this pesky writers’ strike ever ends. You can sentence him to all of the 48-day jail terms you want, but your prisons aren’t going to hold him. Sutherland offered the requisite apologies to friends, family, fans, etc. at his sentencing hearing, but getting a second DUI while still on probation for one you received in 2004 doesn’t say “remorseful” no matter what comes out of your mouth. Keep your Lilliputian a** out of the drunk tank and get back to kicking butt on the small screen, Jack Bauer, because one more DUI and the only driving you’ll be doing is the fake kind on the set of 24…..
- I love generalized political bile and vitriol, don’t you? Who needs hate and threats with a specific target when you can throw out ambiguous, vague threats? So I salute you, Mexican President Felipe Calderon, for accusing U.S. presidential candidates of “swaggering, mach and anti-Mexican” posturing, a statement that may not have a specified target but is nonetheless true – or it would be if Calderon had the balls or the intelligence to pick a target for his angry rhetoric. For example, if he zoned in on militant anti-Mexican candidates and jingoistic, imperialistic idiots like Fred Thompson, then Calderon would be completely accurate in what he’s saying. As it is, he looks like either a spineless wuss or a blathering idiot because he just threw these words out there at no one in particular. But props for mixing in a warning to the U.S. Congress not to impose conditions on a $1.4 billion anti-drug aid package to benefit Mexico, because you’re not really in a position to make those types of threats, Felipe. You may have a point in your accusations against our presidential candidates, but don’t let that fool you into thinking that our lawmakers and politicians are somehow under your influence in how they shape and vote on bills. You’re actually starting to make me consider supporting all of those psychos in our country who want to build that ginormous wall along the U.S.-Mexico border. Stop talking now, Felipe, so I can keep supporting your crusade against the imperialist, anti-immigrant a-holes in the United States…..
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