- Florida State isn’t just Free Shoes University anymore. No, it’s now Fraudulent Student University as well. Back in the ‘90s, FSU became notorious for rule-breaking, often-felonious football players. Now, FSU has a ginormous academic cheating scandal on its hands involving as many as 25 current football players. The Florida State football players in question will be suspended from playing against Kentucky in the Dec. 31 Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, as well as the first three games of the 2008 season, for their roles in an alleged cheating scandal involving an Internet-based course. Florida State officials are investigating the situation and expect to announce the results later this week. A source said university officials determined Monday night the exact number of football players who will be suspended but puts the figure between 20 and 25. The university isn't expected to immediately reveal the identities of the student-athletes involved in the alleged cheating, but call me crazy, I think those names are going to be found out one way or another. Either someone is going to leak them or if all else fails, we’ll be able to look at who’s on the field on Dec. 31 and when many starters and other regulars aren’t in the game or even in uniform on the sidelines, we’ll know who is suspended. However, players involved had better take their medicine and not complain, according to one person. “If the players fight the suspensions, they'll risk losing all of their eligibility,” a source with knowledge of the situation said Tuesday morning. It isn’t just football players getting their cheat on either. Student-athletes in several other sports also were implicated in the scandal. The investigation already has led to the resignations of two academic assistance employees who worked with FSU student-athletes. The school revealed in September that as many as 23 student-athletes were given answers before taking tests over the Internet. I’m sorry, maybe I’m just slow, but why were those two employees fired? They were supposed to academically assist the student-athletes and from the looks of things, they did that – maybe a little too well, but they did assist the student-athletes in achieving academic success. The school's investigation found that a tutor gave students answers while they were taking tests and filled in answers on quizzes and typed papers for students. The situation came to light in September when Florida State president T.K. Wetherell, a former Seminoles football player, reported the initial findings in a letter to the NCAA. The tutor implicated in the audit told investigators he had been providing students with answers for the test since the fall of 2006, according to a university report. So that’s where that jump in the football team’s GPA came from? Huh. I thought it was just from hard work, studying, attending class and being a student first, athlete second. That explanation would also cover the Seminoles’ 7-5 overall, 4-4 ACC record this year and trip to a verrrry prestigious bowl game like the Music City Bowl. But unfortunately it looks like FSU student-athletes subscribe to the motto of “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying,” and they’re neither good student nor good cheaters.
- Dear America, please stop Googling yourself. I feel compelled to mention this because a new report conducted by the Pew Internet and American Life Project has found that about 47 percent of Americans have used Google or another Internet search engine to search for information about themselves in the past year. That total is more than twice the 22 percent of Americans who did the same in 2002, which could indicate that more Americans are using the Net these days or it could mean we’ve become a lot more self-absorbed and self-centered in the past five years. I’m going with a combination of those two, although I have to wonder, why do you need to Google information about yourself? Shouldn’t you already know everything about yourself, seeing that you are yourself? Ultimately though, I have to give a thumbs up to this trend because if nothing else, it means there are more pedophiles, er, people seeking out information about themselves rather than cruising around MySpace trying to hook up with minors.
- You can change teams, cities and states, Elijah Dukes, but you can’t escape the long arm of the law. Dukes, who was recently traded from the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays to the Washington Nationals, has seen his rap sheet and domestic violence resume grow with the revelation that a Tampa-area woman has been granted a temporary injunction for a restraining order against the former Tampa Bay Rays outfielder after she claimed he sent her threatening text messages last fall. "At this point, I fear for me and my child's life, due to his past history with his estranged wife," Amanda E. Reese, 23, wrote in her petition for the order.
Reese claims that Dukes, whom she said she dated between August and October (the 2-3 happiest months of her life, I’m sure), sent her a text message on Oct. 23 that stated she would "have to deal with the consequences" and "don't let me see you when I come home" and "it's a promise, now make your move," according to the St. Petersburg Times. Reese also claimed Dukes had been calling her at inappropriate hours, including a call at 5 a.m. on Nov. 24 in which he allegedly said "it's on," according to media reports. Let me stop there and ask what the big deal is with that call? By “it’s on,” I’m sure Dukes meant a lunch date he and Reese had set up for later that day, or maybe the were meeting at the local country club for a round of golf and Dukes was just confirming their plans. For some reason, the judge didn’t see it that way and granted
the injunction on Dec. 10. Reese was also scheduled to appear in court Tuesday to seek extended protection. This is far from Dukes’ first trouble with domestic violence. Earlier this year, Dukes' estranged wife, NiShea Gilbert, played a voice mail for the St. Petersburg Times in which Dukes said “You dead, dawg” and threatened the couple's two children. Gilbert, who also sought and obtained a restraining order against Dukes, also said Dukes sent a photo of a gun to her cell phone. Did you ever think he was suggesting that you yourself buy a gun for safety, NiShea? And maybe he didn’t say, “You dead, dawg,” maybe he said, “You’ve fed the frog?” All right, so I can’t really find a way to defend Dukes. But I can say that he’s left the state of Florida, so women in that state should feel at least a little safer. As for women in our nation’s capital and Dukes’ new team, well….when the Nationals dealt for Dukes on Dec. 13, the team said it believed Dukes was committed to putting his past behind him and said it would support him in that effort. They traded for him knowing that since 1997, Dukes has been arrested at least three times for battery and once for assault, faced multiple paternity suits and admitted using marijuana. This is not what I call putting your past behind you, having another brush with the law, but his agent begs to differ. “He's on a very diligent program that he's been following, one that Washington put in place," agent Scott Pucino said. “He's on a program to help him succeed.” If you mean succeed at going to prison, then yes Scott, I agree.
- If this next item seems like I’m just looking for an excuse to write the word Kyrgyzstan (gesundheit) as many times as possible…it probably is. Regardless, there’s no one who loves some good vote-rigging allegations more than I do, so news that rival political parties in Kyrgyzstan are accusing one another of vote rigging intrigues me. Results are still filtering in from different regions around Kyrgyzstan, but the instability of the election is a cause for concern in the country that hosts the last U.S. military base in Central Asia. We don’t have many friends in that area of the world right now, and given the fact that our A-Hole-in-Chief is prone to invading lesser nations for no reason at all when he gets cranky, I wouldn’t rule out an American invasion if these election problems persist, residents of Kyrgyzstan. So mix in a vowel or two and also maybe think about relocating, because once America invades, we never, ever, ever leave…just ask the Iraqis.
- Everyone is looking at the underage pregnancy of Britney “Freak Show” Spears’ little sister Jamie Lynn the wrong way. Yes, Jamie Lynn is only 16 years old and she’s knocked up, but unlike all of you jaded, bitter people out there, I’m going to seek out the positive side of this. And what’s positive about a 16-year-old getting knocked up? For starters, by virtue of the fact that she’s breathing and is able to walk upright, she has a 150 percent chance of being a better parent than her big sister. Second, at least Jamie Lynn spared us the horr-a of a slew of crappy, slickly produced albums designed to mask her lack of musical talent before getting pregnant, something her big sister didn’t do. Plus, having a kid at 16 will hopefully shoot down any further aspirations Jamie Lynn might have of following in Brit’s musical footsteps, so maybe we can be spared some more awful music. Also, her pregnancy should draw a lot of attention to the TV network on which Jamie Lynn’s show appears, Nickelodeon. Aside from the 10-and-under set, when’s the last time you heard any sane, sober, not-high person talk about Nickelodeon? Now, everyone will be mentioning the network. Yes, it’s because the star of Zoey 101, a show aimed at pre-teen girls, is knocked up at 16, but even so…..See, I’ve found plenty of positives in a seemingly bleak, dark situation. No need to thank me, though, I’m here to do what I can for all of you.
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