- The W. administration, ruining our environment one moronic decision at a time. After maintaining that global warming doesn’t exist and pressuring scientists to change their findings to fall in line with this revisionist version of the truth, W. and his cadre of idiots are now pressuring the Environmental Protection Agency to weaken requirements that companies annually disclose their releases of toxic chemicals. According to the Governmental Accountability Office, these changes would mean 22,000 fewer reports from the industry each year, which might seem like good news until you realize that this will also mean severely reducing one of the public’s most important tools for monitoring industrial emissions. Honestly, I’m almost beyond words here. Are you freaking kidding me? In a global setting where the environment is a huge issue and so many people are concerned about the rate at which we’re ruining our planet, our ass hat of a president wants to make it easier for companies to get away with releasing toxic chemicals into the environment? Really? W., you really are making sure that history remembers you as the worst president ever, aren’t you? Whoever we elect to replace you is going to have to spend their first year in office trying to fix all the things you’d managed to f*ck up in your two terms. You suck, W., you suck.
- I continue to be brutally disappointed in the pirates operating off the coast of Somalia, mostly because they insist on acting in a very un-piratey fashion. This time, a crew of pirates has given into pressure from authorities and released the 22-member crew of a Japanese tanker that the (alleged) pirates had taken control of a few days ago. The surrender of the captives ends the latest in an ongoing string of incidents involving pirates seizing the cargo and crews of ships off Africa’s eastern coastline. Again, how do you all call yourselves pirates if you give up this easily? Whatever happened to battling the authorities on the high seas, outrunning them and escaping? Just taking captives and plunder doesn’t make you pirates, you have to be able to capitalize on your thievery. If you all insist on wussing out and giving in to the authorities, I may have no choice but to strip you of your title as pirates, and yes, I have that kind of authority, alleged Somali pirates.
- Let’s take this chance to have a lesson in good decision-making. Say you’re faced with the following quandary: You have a fairly large quantity of vodka with you while traveling. You’re passing through a security checkpoint at the airport when a security guard demands that you turn your alcohol over to them because new airline rules restrict the right to possess booze on the plane. So you have a decision to make….do you comply and turn over the vodka, do you buck the rules and try to sneak it through security….or do you down about two pints of vodka and nearly kill yourself so it doesn’t go to waste? For one marginally insane traveler at the Nuremburg Airport, the answer was option B. This idiot guzzled those two pints of vodka rather than surrender the booze to security and nearly died from alcohol poisoning. The 64-year-old traveler survived, but just barely. Just a piece of unsolicited advice, my man, but at least share some of it with a few of your fellow travelers, you’ll win some friends, your booze won't go to waste and you won’t nearly die trying to prove whatever point you were trying to prove. How exactly does that go, anyhow? Security guard: “Sir, I’m going to have to confiscate your alcohol, you can’t have that on the flight.” Traveler: “No, I’m not giving it to you, it’s my vodka, you can’t have it!” Security guard: “Sir, airline rules prevent you from taking that on board, now give it to me or you can’t go any further.” Man: “Oh yeah? Watch this!” Not a good play, anonymous German traveler.
- Heading into tomorrow’s Miami Dolphins game at home against the Baltimore Ravens, there are some positives and negatives working in terms of the Dolphins continuing their pursuit of the dream, an 0-16 season. First, the biggest negative: head coach Cam Cameron inexplicably insists on making personnel moves and strategic decisions that are aimed at helping his team win a game. After pulling out an onside kick attempt last week, Cameron has yanked rookie John Beck from the starting lineup and replaced him with veteran Cleo Lemon. I have a big problem with this move, mostly because Beck has been just what the Dolphins have needed these past four weeks, failing to lead him team to a single offensive touchdown, turning the ball over several times each game and guiding the Dolphins to an 0-4 record with him as the starting quarterback. Now, the team brings Lemon in to start, which means they can expand the playbook and have a more diverse offense because they have an experience veteran under center. Of course, Lemon has sucked in his own way this season and threw two interceptions in relief of Beck in last week’s clutch 38-17 loss at Buffalo, but he’s not quite as bad as Beck. Fortunately, working in favor of a Miami loss this week is starting linebacker Channing Crowder being out with foot and leg injuries, as well as predicted inclement weather in Miami that should slow an already stagnant Dolphin offense. Mix in a stellar Baltimore Ravens defense and I feel pretty good that Miami can come through again with a loss to drop to 0-14. If they can get through this game without losing focus and doing what it takes to win, they have to go to New England next week to play the Patriots, and they’re a slam-dunk to lose that game by at least 40 points. Just remember, Miami, you’ve come so far this season, don’t screw your reverse perfect season up by pointlessly winning a game now…..
- You can have our ability to waterboard terrorism suspects when you pry it from our torturing, prisoner-abusing hands. That’s the message the White House continues to send to Congress as the House has just passed a new anti-torture bill that would prohibit the CIA from using waterboarding, mock executions and other harsh interrogation methods in questioning terrorism suspects. The bill passed by a 222-199 vote and will now move on to the Senate. However, our Moron-in-Chief W. has already promised to veto the bill if it reaches his desk. Of course he’s vowed a veto, why would he want to outlaw cruel and inhumane torture methods? If someone is suspected, not even convicted, just suspected of terrorism, all of their rights go out the window, right? Why bother showing any restraint when it comes to torturing, er, interrogating suspects? That’s what we want to be known as in the United States, a country with no morals, scruples, dignity, restraint or professionalism in our intelligence agencies. You so much as sell a soda to a terrorist and ask him what he’s up to today, you get some quality waterboarding time. Way to go, W., you’ve done it again, another moronic stance in a presidency that’s been one giant exercise in stupidity.
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