The EU knows what makes you fat, I know who not to attack when rioting and AirTran doesn't know what it's doing

- Whoopsie! You might remember that not so long ago, a hazardous and highly dangerous industrial chemical found its way into some pet food and forced a massive recall of the product. It turns out that the very same chemical also was used by a Toledo company that manufactures ingredients for feeding livestock, fish and shrimp. Thus, your recent trip to the local seafood restaurant just took on a slightly dangerous tint. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced that Tembec BTLSR Inc.’s use of the chemical melamine was the first known time that a U.S. company had used this particular ingredient in animal feed. Fortunately, it doesn’t pose a major health threat to anyone who ate meat from an animal fed the contaminated food, but it is comforting to know that the regulatory bodies governing what can and cannot be fed to creatures that we intend to eat is being so strict about what they allow those creatures to be fed. Why not just toss some strychnine and rat poison in while you’re at it, because eating your shrimp, fish taco or hamburger just isn't as thrilling or satisfying if there’s no threat of serious illness and/or death, right?

- Well, well, the American justice system really does work better for the rich, amazing. A millionaire couple from Central Islip (Long Island), N.Y. accused of keeping two Indonesian women in their home as slaves were able to buy, er, temporarily re-attain their freedom by posting a $3.5 million bail that comes with a few conditions attached. Varsha Mahender Sabhnani, 53, and her husband Steve (kidding), Mahender Murlidhar Sabhnani, 51, are subject to home detention, phone taps and 24-hour surveillance, but other than that they’re free as a bird until trial. The couple operates a worldwide perfume business out of their home on Long Island, which they can presumably continue to due after buying their way out of jail, and they thus prove that if you’re rich, you get your own special brand of justice in America. Now I know you’re saying, “Hey, most people can get bail, so what’s the big deal?” Well, not everyone can plunk down $3.5 million for bail, most people end up going to some greasy, slick bail bondsman and working out a deal that way. It must be nice to be able to scratch a $3.5 million check and walk out of jail, that’s for sure.

- I’ve never understood music fans’ fascination with Prince, nor do I subscribe to the theory that he’s some musical genius/savant who transcends musical genres and is a quasi-deity in the music world. To me, he’s some freak show who sings like a woman, dresses like a mix of a leftover from the 1970s, a pimp and Fez from That 70’s Show and whose music assaults my ears in a distinctly unpleasant way. His lyrics are bizarre, as is his fascination with changing his name to a symbol and back again, as is the fact that he went Picasso on a house he rented from NBA star Carlos Boozer last year and painted freaking purple stripes and swirl patterns all over surfaces on the property even though it wasn’t his, prompting Boozer to sue his androgynous arse. Now, though, I think a more apt description of Price would be this: sellout and corporate b*tch. The enigmatic rock star formerly known as Some with a Shred of Credibility left is using his new fragrance (not, no Eau de Bizarro) 3121 as a platform to go corporate and give any idiot willing to shell out $250 the following package: a bottle of the fragrance, a ticket to a “special” concert to be held at a Macy’s store in Indianapolis and a ticket to his concert the same night at the Target Center in Minneapolis. Umm, I could be wrong, but isn't playing concerts at malls and department stores what you’re supposed to do when you’re a musical nobody, not a supposed megastar? And I should correct myself, that deal is not available to just anyone with $250, it is for the first 1,400 suckers, er, people, to throw away their money for this offer. Personally, if I want to see some crazy dude with a high pitched voice sing crappy music, I’ll just buy a crushed velvet suit from the local thrift story, a tank of helium and pay some homeless dude on the street to put on the suit, suck down the helium and sing weird songs with dumb lyrics. Thanks for nothing, P.

- Life just isn't getting any better for Mike Vick, and he’s starting to get dinged with a few small hits of justice that are about to turn into a giant crap storm of trouble. As it turns out, there are more than a few snitches, er, informants coming forward to point the finger at Vick as a major player in the world of dog fighting, and a couple of anonymous law enforcement officials say they believe there is now enough evidence to secure an indictment against the Atlanta Falcons quarterback. Whether that evidence is enough for a conviction is another matter, but investigators are still digging, so stay tuned. Also, AirTran, the company on whose plane I shared a ride with Vick last year from Atlanta to Virginia Beach, has dropped Vick as a spokesman in light of the troubling accusations against him. Why, I’m not sure, because I think if you polled AirTran customers, they would be pumped to have a guy who trains dogs to kill each other and pits them against one another in vicious, brutal, violent death matches as the spokesman for the airline they fly. What says “great travel experience” like two dogs being trained up as killing machines and fighting one another to the death? C’mon AirTran, don’t listen to the naysayers, there’s still time to reverse your decision before some other airline that loves animal violence and cruelty snatches M. Vick up.

- Riot time, riot time! (I really need some theme music for this segment, perhaps something along the lines of what YouTube sensation Ronald Jenkees could put together, can we got Jenkees on the phone?) The score for the following riot is what you would officially term a rout for the bad guys, with the scoreboard reading: Indonesian Marines 5, Civilians 0. The marines shot and killed five people on Java Island Wednesday during a violent protest over a plot of land whose ownership is being disputed between the citizens and the military. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it thousands of times: When rioting, it’s best not to direct violent outbursts at the best armed, most well-trained individuals in your area who are willing and able to shoot and kill you if you come after them. I appreciate the effort by the Indonesian rioters, I really do, but the goal, folks, is to keep as many anti-establishment, free-thinking rebels around as possible, and your getting killed doesn’t help us accomplish that.

- Thanks for not making Americans feel so alone, Europe! The top health officials for the European Union announced this week that more than half of the adults in EU nations are overweight or obese, making Europe a great companion for the ginormously, disgustingly fat population of our own United States. What’s truly awesome about the EU study is that factors cited in the obesity epidemic are things like diets based on sweet and fatty ingredients combined with lack of physical activity. Umm, and this is a revelation in what sense? Eating sweets and fatty foods then not exercising makes you gain weight? I didn’t see that coming. What about drinking copious amounts of beer and eating five meals a day, will those things also make you gain weight? A hearty salute to Markos Kyprianou for those fascinating, revealing insights into what makes people fat. With top-notch analysis like that, the EU should find out a way to lick this obesity problem in no time at all.