Two eminently despisable politicians square off, clown vs. clown in Connecticut and a load of crap hits the Hudson River

- Because America on the whole is grossly obese and unable to put down our Big Macs, hot fudge sundaes and doughnuts, there are more and more stories on nightly news programs and news magazine shows about obesity and related issues. While grossly overweight people aren't all that amusing as a general rule (they’re, well, gross) what is funny are a staple of every obesity story on any network, those shots of fat people from the neck down, waddling down the street or walking around in a mall or airport. How sad is it that your only way of making it onto the airwaves is an anonymous shot of your gargantuan body without showing the head attached to it for privacy reasons? You’re being used as a poster child for how out of shape our nation is, but you don’t even get recognized, they just use your torso and legs and exclude the head. Personally, I think we should show these people from head to toe, privacy and rights to the use of your likeness be damned. If the disgustingly fat people of America had to see their flabby likenesses plastered on the television in stunning HD, maybe they would be motivated to stop eating, start exercising and stop being so fat and disgusting.

- It’s a rare showdown of clowns versus clowns, with a group of politicians on one side and Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus on the other. The famed circus is threatening a boycott of the state of Connecticut if the state legislature there passes a bill outlawing the use of an elephant-herding tool known as a bullhook. Connecticut is the home state of the legendary P.T. Barnum, but the company he founded won't be doing any shows there if the law is put in place. Small children in Hartford, Southington and Norwich won't be able to see the clowns piling into the tiny car, the crazy dude swallowing swords or the man swimming in a tank with alligators, and quite frankly, I am devastated for them. Can’t we all just accept a little animal cruelty in order to provide a truly magical moment in the life of a child? I don’t think it’s too much to ask, really, and hopefully this decision by Connecticut won't spur other states to make the same bad decision.

- Bad news for my Metro New York Rivers Swim team: we’re going to have to cancel our weekly swim in the Hudson River because it’s full of crap. A broken sewage pipe has spilled more than 4 million gallons of raw sewage (really, is there any other kind of sewage but raw?) into the river north of Manhattan and Westchester County health officials have warned boaters, water skiers and divers to stay out of the water. This isn't going to sit well with Cosmo Kramer, either, because I know he loves swimming in the discolored waters of New York’s rivers for the therapeutic powers they have on his back. You know what this means, of course: there’s going to be a major overcrowding problem in the East River for the next week or two until this mess gets cleaned up.

- This is one of those disputes where I’m not rooting for a winner and a loser, I’m simply rooting for the earth to open up and swallow both of these individuals whole. Sen. John McCain, who dopily supports the Mess-O’-Potamia that our un-esteemed Moron-in-Chief has created in Iraq, is picking a fight with the presidential candidate that would horrify a nation if he/she is elected, Sen. Hank Clinton. Hank wants to repeal congressional authorization of the Iraq war, a move McCain labels as “the worst possible idea that anyone could have.” Sorry, Johnny Boy, as much as I hate Hank, dude’s idea is not the worst idea anyone could have, not when it comes to the war in Iraq and not in a broader sense. It’s behind several things on the list, including: waging the war in the first place, continuing the war with no justification, sending more troops over to die when it’s clear the war is a disaster and can't be won, electing W. to begin with, giving more funding to a war that’s a total farce and of course, going for a fourth patty and slice of cheese on a burger at Hardee's that already has about 4,500 calories. Furthermore, McCain is ignorant enough to argue that W.’s new war strategy, introduced in January, is showing “some progress.” What f’ing strategy?!?! There is NO STRATEGY. THERE IS NO PROGRESS! IF ANY AMERICANS ARE STILL DYING IN A PLACE THEY SHOULD NOT BE TO BEGIN WITH, THEN THERE IS NO PROGRESS! Is there any way to disqualify both of these tools, McCain and Hank, from the presidential race immediately? Can we get to work on that like, yesterday? Thanks.

- I freaking hate Roger Clemens, I freaking hate the New York Yankees and I hope these two representations of evil incarnate fail miserably together for the rest of this baseball season. The arrogant, pompous, ass-faced franchise that a nation loves to loathe has signed the unlikable, piece of crap pitcher for the remainder of the season, appropriately enough to a bloated, overpriced $28 million prorated contract, meaning Clemens will make $4.5 million a month for the next six months to throw decent but not great games for a Yankees team that’s headed for another disappointing campaign. I’ll be rooting for a torn rotator cuff muscle, a torn groin muscle, torn knee ligaments or a blown-out ACL for Clemens and a sub-.500 season for the Yankees, who are once again trying to buy their way out of a mess and don’t have to worry about being smart of shrewd with their personnel decisions because like most arrogant rich people, they believe their money can right all of the wrongs. You suck, Yankees, and you’re a piece of crap, Clemens, you two deserve each other and I hope you both flame out horrifically.