The real American Karaoke winner, why Clinton Portis really a moron and why Chinese toothpaste is really dangerous

- China and its Communist regime may be a great threat to the world after all, but it may not be in the form of military might or nuclear power. No, the bigger threat could come from deadly Chinese toothpaste. Health authorities in several Latin American countries, including Panama and the Dominican Republic, have pulled the toothpaste brands Mr. Cool and Excel from store shelves in their countries after learning that the product contains diethylene glycol, a chemical commonly used in antifreeze and brake fluid. Chinese authorities say they will investigate, which I’m sure will be of great relief to those who may have inadvertently used the tainted toothpaste. Hmmm, honey, is this a new flavor of toothpaste? Why does it have such a chemical taste to it, and why does my mouth feel like it’s inside a car engine? Could this “slip” of toxic chemicals in toothpaste be the first stage of a subtle yet powerful attack by the Chinese against the Western world? Keep your toxic toothpaste out of our hemisphere, China, we’re only down with cinnamon, vanilla, mint and various fruit products as flavor agents in our hygiene products, we draw the line at poisonous chemicals from car care products.

- This just in: Clinton Portis is a moron. Portis used to be the funny, charming Washington Redskins running back who showed up for interview sessions once a week during the season dressed in outrageous costumes (Napoleon Dynamite, the fictitious Coach Spanky Janky, etc.) and everyone laughed. No one is laughing now, and no one would include his own team and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell following Portis’ indefensibly stupid comments re: Michael Vick and the alleged dog fighting ring at a Virginia property with Vick’s name on the deed. Portis said basically that it’s Vick’s property and Vick’s dogs, so he can do whatever he wants and everyone should leave him alone. Well, the Redskins and Goodell have both spoken out and publicly condemned Portis’ comments and now Portis and his agent, the abrasive and irritating Drew Rosenhaus, are doing spin control. Rosenhaus tried to spin his client’s comments by saying that Portis was simply urging everyone to reserve judgment on the situation until the police investigation is complete, and that as of yet Vick has done nothing wrong. Sure, because that’s exactly what everyone thinks you mean when you say clearly and explicitly that it’s his property and his dogs, so he has every right to do whatever he wants with them. Next time you want to offer a bogus apology and have it sound at least somewhat plausible, Drew, make sure you’re client doesn’t so clearly enunciate and eloquate his thoughts. Portis left no room for revision with his statement, and now he’s trying to backpedal faster than Carmelo Anthony in the brawl at Madison Square Garden this past NBA season. Part of what agents do when their clients f’up is to clean up the mess, but this time Portis stepped in it big time and no amount of spinning will clean up the mess. Let it go, Drew, and spend your time on a more useful pursuit, namely explaining to your client to use his brain and think for more than .00005 seconds before speaking.

- American Karaoke is over and the winner is…………..me, and anyone else who loathes this abomination of a TV show/glorified karaoke contest. I really don’t care who the declared winner was, because any time a new season of this debacle airs, the real loser is quality music. Oh, and mad props to Joe Perry for whoring out his musical legacy and appearing with that tool Sanjaya, which I hope Joe was paid well for, because seeing him sell out and take part in that farce broke the heart of every true rock fan when they saw a picture online or elsewhere of Perry and the effeminate, finger-nails-on-a-chalk-board-voiced loser performing together. Thank the Lord I didn’t actually see the broadcast of that, because I’d prefer not to have to smash my TV set to pieces with an axe, as I’ve grown relatively fond of it. Not since the Joe Perry Project and its ill-fated run has Perry been involved with such an atrocity of a musical act, and I may have to build a time machine to go back 20 years and retroactively start hating Aerosmith’s music because of what he’s done by appearing on AK. You suck, Joe, and you have your new buddy Sanjaya and his amorphous, feminine hairdo and voice to thank for that.

- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has a zero tolerance policy for player misconduct, but I wonder what his “sending porn emails to the entire league, including the commish, NFL GM’s and their secretaries” policy is………..Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line coach Larry Zierlein may find out what the policy is, because Zierlein was either technologically stupid or immature and inappropriate enough to send out a league-wide email containing what has been described as an “inappropriate e-mail message”, with one copy of that going to Goodell. No word as of yet on whether Zierlein sent the email intentionally and thought it was funny or if he intended to send it to one or two buddies and accidentally forwarded it to the whole league, but I would have loved to see the look on Goodell’s face when he opened his email inbox and found that beauty there. How’s about using a little more caution and making sure who you’re sending a message to, coach? Even if you’re the world’s biggest porn freak, you can’t be sending out crude, offensive and obscene porn messages to every coach, GM and exec in the NFL.