My sarcasm and snappy wit don't take any long holiday weekends off

- The Juice just will not go away. Personally, if I double-murdered a couple of people (allegedly) and got away with it, I’d consider myself incredibly fortunate and attempt to drop off the edge of the map, never to be heard from again. Not O.J., though. This dude keeps finding ways to resurface and to remind us each time that he is the worst guy, ever, in the history of the world. A federal court judge has ordered a bankrupt company officially owned by the Juice’s kids to turn over any copies of his “How-to Guide to Double Murder”, a.k.a. hypothetical-murder book If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened, about the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, lest those books be distributed or disseminated in any way. Lorraine Brook Associates, which has O.J.’s oldest daughter, Arnelle, as its head, retains all rights to the book, but its publication was canceled HarperCollins following a massive outcry from every person with a soul and more than one ounce of compassion and dignity. The book has also been the topic of the most recent legal battle between the Simpson and Goldman families. And oh yeah, another O.J.-related note………the suit and tie he wore on the day of his (wrongful) acquittal of the double murder he committed (allegedly/definitely/assuredly) is the hot item on the sports memorabilia block, with one dealer hawking it for $25,000 and another would-be buyer believing he could purchase it and flip it for $100,000. Keep on greasing the tracks for your express ride to eternal damnation, Juice, because you are the definition of despicable.

- Welcome to Zimbabwe, where freedom and democracy go to die. That message was sounded loud and clear by riot police in the city of Harare, where 200 members of the Movement for Democratic Change were seized at their headquarters. The MDC is the primary opposition group to the current regime in Zimbabwe, a regime that isn't so fond of concepts like freedom, civil rights and fairness. Astonishingly, there was no immediate comment from Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe or his administration. Of course, why do you need to explain anything when you rule your country in dictatorial, repressive fashion and can choke out any opposition through sheer force and military might? Nothing sucks quite as much in this world as when The Man holds down the common people, especially when those common people are advocating democracy and a more fair, just society. Stay strong, Movement for Democratic Change, you’re on the right side in this fight.

- A couple days ago we had real-life snakes on a plane, now we have a flight in England grounded by bees on a plane, or more specifically, bees in the engine of a plane. After the thick cloud of bees was sucked into the engine of a passenger flight bound for Portugal, those on board were delayed for 11 hours before reaching their destination. Ironically, this isn't even the dumbest or most bizarre reason a plane has ever been delayed, and in the grand scale of things, an 11-hour delay is relatively mild. Look for airlines to tack on a bee-removal surcharge to all airfare, that way they can hire someone to clear bees from the tarmac and charge you an extra fifty bucks in the process.

- I am going to absolutely love watching the New York Yankees-Roger Clemens marriage over the next four months. The Yankees are clearly a bad team that is more than one aging, suspiciously-strong 45-year-old over-the-hill pitcher from being any good, and they’re going nowhere this season, a fact that is becoming increasingly clear as the Pocket Rocket makes his way through minor league starts to prepare for his return to the Yanks. Meanwhile, the big-league club has stumbled and bumbled its way to a 21-26 record, a whopping 11 ½ games back of first-place Boston and in fourth place in the American League East, ahead of only last-place Tampa Bay. Also, Yankee pitchers are succumbing to injuries at a breakneck pace, so by the time Pocket Rocket Clemens makes it to the team, he may be the only healthy hurler in sight. The ultimate karmic occurrence, of course, would be for Pocket Rocket to suffer a season-ending arm or shoulder injury in the first inning of his first 2007 start for the Yankees. What better payback for an arrogant, self-centered mercenary who has screwed over multiple teams, including the very one he is now returning to, on his quest to continually feed his massive ego. Here’s hoping for a torn rotator cuff or blown-out elbow for you, Pocket Rocket, you officially suck.

- Nothing is a bigger freak magnet that the prospect of anything alien or extraterrestrial, and the city of Roswell, New Mexico is the Mecca for many seekers of the weird. City officials in Roswell want to open a UFO-themed amusement park to capitalize on the town’s alien mojo, complete with an indoor roller coaster that would take passengers on a simulated alien abduction. No word on how anyone knows what an alien abduction actually feels like, because I’m going to go ahead and assume that everyone who claims to have been abducted at any point is either as unequivocally insane as they appear or that they’re dropping massive hits of peyote and LSD twice an hour, twelve hours a day. The Alien Apex Resort, as it would be named, could open as early as 2010, which means you still have time to book your tour on the dork wagon. I might actually consider visiting this place, if for no other reason than to see the biggest gaggle of misfits and freak jobs known to man. The scary thing is that the city has already received a $245,000 legislative appropriation to get this project going and there’s an 80-acre site ready to host the nutty park. You may find me near the city limits of Roswell if this park ever gets opened, and I’ll be the one selling giant butterfly nets and tranquilizer guns should you mental health professionals want to come to Roswell and bag yourself some new patients for your psychiatric wards………….