- Good thing I wasn’t in attendance at the CW upfront on Thursday, because I can pretty much guarantee that if I had been, you would have seen the first-ever death-by-beating-with-a-microphone of a network executive, namely the CW’s Dawn Ostroff. I would have had no choice but to take the microphone she was using on the dais and repeatedly crack her over the head with it, WWE-style, until I’d beaten the stupid right out of that wench. My anger would be well justified, though, as Thursday made official the one billionth in an never-ending series of horrifically bad programming decisions made by Ostroff and her staff of intellectually stunted minions: the cancellation of the network’s best remaining series, Veronica Mars. Mars was the smartest, most cleverly written, funny and interesting series the CW had, especially after the ending of Gilmore Girls (more on that shortly). Its ratings weren't through the roof, yet it was steady and praised by anyone who took time to watch it for more than a few seconds. Now, it’s inexplicably canceled, meaning that in a little over a year, Ostroff and Co. have managed to kill of the three best shows on their network and leave only one good show, Smallville, on its fall schedule. When asked if Mars was officially dead, my least-favorite executive admitted, “Veronica Mars is over, but we're talking about something else. I don't know if it's going to be anything. I'm being honest with you. It could come back in some form, but I don't know what form that would be.” Wow, that’s, umm……….uninspiring. Of course, it’s not as bad or insulting as the totally backhanded compliment Ostroff “paid” to the one of the two or three best shows on TV the past seven years (and no, fans of Lost, Grey’s Anatomy, 24, your shows aren't the best, sorry) Gilmore Girls: “While we're sad to see Gilmore Girls go,” she said "the truth is Beauty and the Geek actually performed better among young adult viewers.” What a heartfelt/bitchy tribute that was! Way to show appreciation for a show, including cast, crew and fans, who invested so much over the past seven years. Hey bitch, at least try to sound appreciative for the show and what it meant to so many people, even if the first six years were on the WB network, which was one of the two that merged to form the CW. In case you haven’t gotten the message by now, I really, really, really hate Dawn Ostroff and like many TV fans I’ve heard talk about this, I’m all but done with the CW network. I’ll watch Smallville as long as it’s on, but I won't be tuning in to any new CW shows ever, and once Smallville is over, so is my relationship with the CW.
- Yesterday I ruminated about creating my own seminar for those aspiring to craft a successful criminal plot, with the thinking being that most people who commit crimes reveal themselves to be Grade-A morons who couldn’t outthink a gold fish. Well, I need to inform you that if you want to register for the seminar, you’re gonna need to do it soon because spaces are being filled quickly. Our latest registrant is Johnnie Jerome Kerns, 29, of Springfield, Mo. Mr. Kerns decided that in order to terrorize his ex-wife, he would kidnap her child from a different marriage. After kidnapping the 5-year-old girl, Kerns tossed her off a bridge into the freezing waters of a nearby lake where two fishermen found and rescued her. Now, Kerns faces five felony charges, including kidnapping, child abuse and assault. All of this because he was pissed at his ex-wife and couldn’t think of a creative way to get back at her that wouldn’t land him in prison. The very first lesson in my criminal plotting seminar, by the way, deals with analyzing the cost-benefit ratio of any plan so you don’t end up in just this type of situation. Something along the lines of threatening phone calls from a pay phone or stealing the tires off of her car would have been a more appropriate tact here, as they would not have Kerns facing five freaking felony charges.
- See kids, this is why you don’t taunt and harass the gorillas when you visit your local zoo. A 400-pound gorilla at a zoo in Netherlands got loose and ended up injuring four people in a violent rampage. The zoo, located in the city of Rotterdam, was evacuated and authorities eventually captured the AWOL ape in one of the zoo’s restaurants, where he was destroying the kitchen in protest of the exorbitant prices charged for sodas and hot dogs. OK, so I made that last part up, but the 11-year-old gorilla named Bokito was indeed captured at a zoo restaurant after his outburst, which included biting a woman and dragging her around the zoo. For those of you looking to avoid this particular zoo on your next visit to the Netherlands, it’s the Diergaarde Blijdorp Zoo where this happened. No word on whether the woman who was bitten by the gorilla was making funny faces or taunting Bokito by holding food outside his cage, just beyond the animal’s reach. It would also be wise for the zoo to stop showing its gorillas King Kong DVDs, it’s just a bad influence on them.
- eBay is a great place to sell your knick-knacks, toys, electronics, etc., but I really don’t understand why celebrities ever bother selling wildly expensive merchandise on the online auction site. Inevitably, some joker thinks he’ll be sooooo funny and bid $20 million dollars on the item, which of course he can't afford to pay and the celebrity just ends up looking like a tool for trying to cheap out and sell their item on eBay instead of holding an actual legitimate auction and a reputable auction house. Actor John Schneider, who is known to those of you from the way back as Bo Duke on the original Dukes of Hazzard series and as Jonathan Kent for the first five seasons of the hit TV series Smallville, tried to sell the famous orange “01” car that the Dukes of Hazzard made famous on the popular ‘80s show. Predictably, a ginormous tool put up a $10 million bid on the car, only to have it revealed that the bid was a hoax. Schneider will re-list the car on eBay, but this time bidders will have to prove up front that they can pay. Should’ve gone to Christie’s or Sotheby’s, Johnny, you could have saved a lot of trouble.
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