The dilemma for stoners, the worst idea ever for a reality show and a funny penalty for smuggling cocaine

- Trying to decide between smoking weed and playing in the NFL wouldn’t seem to be a difficult decision, but don’t tell that to Ricky Williams. The dreadlocked Miami Dolphins running back who has endured multiple drug suspensions from the league, including the most recent, a one-year ban during which he traveled the world and also played in the Canadian Football League, was just about to return to the NFL when the hippie lettuce intervened. Williams, who is now tested regularly as part of the NFL’s substance abuse program, has tested positive for the wacky weed once again and now won't be able to apply for reinstatement until September. Furthermore, when he does apply he’ll have a fourth strike against him and will be trying to convince a commissioner who is being harsh and vigilant on misconduct and drug use by players to reinstate him. And oh yeah, any team that considers signing him would know that it runs the risk of having a guy who still can't stay away from his bong be booted from the league on a permanent basis if he tests positive again. I always knew that pot heads were a bunch of degenerate stoners who like hackey sack and Cheetos and can make a bong out of nearly any object in less than five minutes, but I didn’t know they were such a bunch of addicts that they would be willing to throw away a chance to make several million dollars and enjoy the NFL lifestyle just so they could continue getting baked.

- Bingo on ABC, really lame. Yeah, because what people have really been after is a reality show they can sit down and watch with their Nana. The only people who have any interest in Bingo are the ones down in the basement of their local Catholic or Methodist church, using the money from their Social Security check to play Bingo with Ethel, Betty, Estelle, Edna and the rest of their elderly friends. America at large isn't crying out for a forum for Bingo to exhibit its greatness on a national scale. This isn't a hotly debated issue that has our nation deeply concerned, ABC. Sometimes the reason there’s not a show about a certain subject on TV is because there’s no interest in seeing a show about that subject and it’s a terrible idea to do one. My life won't be complete once I have a mustachioed Indian man in a referee’s shirt yell, “No Bingo!” Nor do I need to see that British dude who used to be on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition with that lush Ty Pennington try to launch his career hosting National Bingo Night. This would be the absolute worst idea for a new TV show on the way this summer if not for………..

- Of course, as lame as National Bingo Night on ABC is, even higher on the lame-osity scale is…..Pirate Master, a show that will be debuting this summer on CBS. I have oh, so many questions about this worst idea for a reality show ever: What exactly do you do if you win? What’s your next step? With American Karaoke, you at least have a recording contract to produce a couple albums worth of over-produced, over-polished crap that someone else writes for you and tells you to sing. If you win America’s Next Top Runway Bimbo/Model, you have a modeling contract and a career you’ve embarked on. So what the frak do you do if you’re the Pirate Master? Is there really a market for Pirate Masters right now? And where exactly do you go to capitalize on your fame and accomplishment as Pirate Master? Does it entitle you to free meals at Long John Silver’s? Can you get in for half price at the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie? Also, exactly what skills that would help you win this God-forsaken show are of any good to a person in everyday life? Looting, pillaging and plundering haven't been en vogue for a few centuries; peg legs, eye patches and wooden legs are no longer stylish and “Shiver me timbers!” hasn’t been anyone’s catchphrase since before the Revolutionary War. I know that most reality show contestants are wannabe actors trying to launch their nonexistent careers, but I don’t believe that appearing on a pirate-themed reality show is going to boost anyone’s profile. Just because people will go see a movie about a certain topic doesn’t mean they want to see a reality show about it. Nobody is itching to see a show where people genetically mutate after being bitten by radioactive spiders, are they? Pirate Master is going to go the way of Armed & Famous within a few weeks of debuting, namely to the bottom of the ratings and then off the air entirely.

- If you’re an inept coach or general manager in the professional sports world, there are two franchises you absolutely want to work for: the Boston Celtics and the Detroit Lions. The Lions, owned by the Ford family, continue to employ GM Matt Millen Despite a 24-72 record in his six seasons at the helm and a slew of bungled draft picks. The Celtics used to be one of the NBA’s flagship franchises but have fallen on hard times, including the last four seasons with Doc Rivers as head coach. Their futility reached its zenith this season as the Celts went 23-59, the second worst record in the NBA, yet Rivers has not only kept his job but has now been given a contract extension of yet-to-be-announced length. It’s not as if the Celtics have gotten better under Rivers either; they’ve gotten progressively worse. The team’s younger players haven't developed and improved, and Rivers constantly juggles starting lineups and his rotation of players to the point that his team develops zero continuity and cohesion. He doesn’t have the most talented squad, but he manages to get even less out of the talent he has than he should get. Many fans complain incessantly about how out of whack player contracts and salaries are, but equally or possibly more absurd are the contracts and innumerable second chances given to coaches and executives like Millen and Rivers who are consistently awful over prolonged periods of time.

- If this is the penalty for a charge of conspiring to traffic cocaine, I’m going to reverse field and openly advocate that everyone get into the coke toting business. Jorge Hernandez-Villalvazo, a Mexican native with permanent U.S. residency, has been freed as a part of a plea deal after a federal agent made him pose for a demeaning photo wearing a sombrero and holding a Mexican flag. I know no one likes to have their heritage mocked, but tell me you wouldn’t take the risk of smuggling cocaine across the border and making a few thousand dollars if you knew that you could get off with little more than having to pose for a humiliating photo and that photo would include you being fully clothed. Sounds like a decent deal to me, and props to the federal agent who botched an entire smuggling case because he or she possesses and incredibly juvenile sense of humor and zero professionalism. Glad to see that those we charge with protecting our borders and policing the drug world are operating at the absolute highest level 24/7.

- Normally finding myself on the same side of any argument as radical Shiite lawmakers would scare the crap out of me, but I’ve found an exception to that rule. Members of the Iraqi legislature are pushing for an actual deadline for the withdrawal of U.S.-led troops and a freeze on the number of foreign troops already in their country (i.e. no troop surge). You guys want to know when our troops will be leaving and when this whole debacle of a war will end? So do we! Pretty much everyone is wondering that except for a select group of Bush administration sycophants who have either drank the Kool-Aid and believe the B.S. that W. is selling or are too terrified of him and too enamored with keeping their vastly overpaid government jobs to say what they really think. The Sadrist block of the Iraqi government, which holds 30 seats in the country’s legislature, is the group pushing for the withdrawal deadline and freeze on foreign military increases, and I have only one question for them: Do you guys have some sort of flag or bumper sticker for your party that I can get ahold of? I’m with you all the way on this issue, because the more people we can get from all over the world and the political spectrum to confront W. and demand he start fixing the mess he’s made and bring the war to an end, the better our chances are that this war will finally end.