The Pope and I disagree, suspicious liquids run wild and graduating seniors at St. Vincent College get screwed

- The Pope is old and out of touch, so I’ll forgive him for his speech on Friday in which he ripped pop culture for promoting sexual immorality. An estimated crowd of 1 million people who apparently didn’t have anything better to do gathered on an empty airfield to hear Pope Benedict XVI talk, in part to canonize Friar Antonio de Sant’Anna as a saint and partly to take a run at the pop culture we’ve come to know and love. I could point out several problems with the Pope’s argument, but I’ll just say this: pop culture (i.e. music, movies and television) are a reflection of society more than they are a tool to shape it. Yes, these mediums do have an influence on people who view or listen to them, but pop culture is not some living entity with a mind of its own; it is a non-carbon-based entity that the people who create it structure and shape through their own preferences, values and ideas, so if you have a problem with pop culture, your real problem is with people. Don’t waste your time attacking industries and mediums that don’t give a crap what you think and focus your efforts on changing the minds and beliefs of people, because that’s how you’ll win the fight. This is what happens when you live inside your own structured little city, isolated from the world. Besides, what is the Pope doing tuning into MTV2 and visiting YouTube anyhow, which I assume are the types of pop culture entities that are so lacking in virtue? Thanks for nothing, Pope B.

- WANTED: A new member for the U.S. ski team who will be responsible for the following: 1) showing up for races drunk, 2) giving controversial interviews where he comports himself like a horse’s arse and says at least five stupid things per 15 minutes, 3) fails miserably in the team’s biggest races and events. Sound appealing? It’s all thanks to the departure or Bode Miller from the U.S. ski team, a move that should surprise no one and disappoint even fewer. Miller talked big, drank big, partied big and performed small in his time with the team, frequently crapping out in major international races, including the Olympics. Now he’s quit because he’s not happy with his place on the team and because the philosophy that the team focused on for its members. Gee, as hard as it is to see you go, Bode, the team will just have to make due/be much better off without you.

- Bottles of suspicions liquid are everywhere, so beware. A few months ago, it was Atlanta Falcons quarterback and esteemed dog fight kingpin (allegedly) Mike Vick carrying a water bottle with a mysterious dark particulate through airport security and refusing to turn the bottle over to security officials. Now, a school in Timonium, Md. has been evacuated because firefighters found a bottle containing a suspicious liquid inside a classroom. A teacher was taken to the hospital after experiencing dizziness, and a student was arrested several hours after the evacuation as a suspect in the incident. Nobody loves a good end-of-the-year senior prank like I do, but it stops being funny and worth the effort when you’re cuffed and put in jail. People stop laughing at you and start thinking you’re a ginormous tool when you’re driven off in the back of a squad car and facing serious charges. Next time, stick to taking the wheels off the principal’s car and putting it up on blocks or letting a bunch of rats or cockroaches loose in the school hallways, intrepid Maryland high school prankster.

- Wow….normally you’d want a great capper for your college career, a fitting sendoff and a time to symbolize all of the great times and experiences you’ve had over the past four or five years. My heartfelt sympathies go out to the graduating seniors at St. Vincent College in Latrobe, Pa., who suffered the indignity of having the worst president in United States history as their commencement speaker. I realize that sometimes, a school isn't able to secure their first or even second choice for a commencement speaker, but St. Vincent must’ve whiffed on its first 1,485 choices to end up with a brain dead, war mongering, head-in-the-sand goober like W. as their speaker. On the rankings for commencement speaker choices, I’d rank him behind even Ryan Seacrest and his man blouses right now. Nothing like having a graduation speaker who inspires 150 anti-war protestors to demonstrate outside the hall where the ceremony was held. It isn't truly a graduation unless angry anti-war demonstrators are marching outside while you receive your diploma. How’s about establishing a rule that no one can be a commencement speaker at your school if he’s not smarter than the quartet of stoner dudes wearing their knit beanies and playing hackey sack outside the student union.

- Let’s try a bit of legal strategy here, see if you can come up with the correct analysis here. Imagine you’re an NFL player who has been in trouble with the cops 12 times in a two year span, been charged with crimes three times and has been suspended by the league for a full year after your latest criminal activity. You’ve appealed the suspension and in four days, you will be meeting with the NFL commissioner, the same man who suspended you, to present your case for reducing the penalty you’ve received. Is the following a solid part of your strategy in preparing for said hearing, answer with a simple yes or no: being pulled over by the police for speeding and additionally charged with failure to produce a driver’s license. Anyone? You’re saying……..no? That’s right, another run-in with the law, even a minor one, is not a wise part of your appeal strategy. Adam “Pacman” Jones could have used a smart legal brain like yours this week, because he elected to commit the above-mentioned faux paus, and now he gets to head into his appeal hearing with Commissioner Roger Goodell with a fresh mark on his record of legal troubles. The heck with shortening your suspension at this point, P., you’d better hope the commish doesn’t extend it to two years.