- Even perpetual lushes who can’t stop drinking and driving get second chances, at least in some South Dakota counties. Despite having multiple DUI’s, drivers can still drive as long as they pass two sobriety checks per day, once in the morning and once in the evening. Fail to show up for either test or fail the test itself, you go to jail. Call me crazy, but this sounds like a bad idea. Even if you can pass those tests, what’s to keep a person from going to a bar after they pass their night-time test and get hammered? Like you can’t drink enough to push your blood-alcohol content past the .008 legal limit and then sober up enough to pass your next test? Taking away someone’s driver’s license is what we in America like to call punishment, and allowing someone to keep their license despite a half dozen DUI’s sends a bad message. It says, “Hey, it’s ok, try again, even if you’ve made horribly bad decisions in the past, decisions that could kill or seriously injure innocent people! You’ll get it right sooner or later!” South Dakota authorities argue that chronic drunken drivers often keep driving even if they lose their licenses, so the testing is a better alternative. How’s about this alternative, South Dakota: put these damn idiots in jail and fine them, $1,000 for their first offense and triple the fine and jail sentence with each subsequent offense. I’m guessing no one is going to want to make it to DUI #6 with a $243,000 fine and ten years of jail time looming.
- F you, Recording Industry Association of America. Those aren't just my sentiments, either, they’re the likely response from the 400 college students nationwide who are about to receive letters from the R.I.A.A. offering discounted settlements on charges of illegally copying music. The offers for reduced settlements come as the music industry is making a renewed effort to combat illegal copying and sharing of music. This campaign is as laughable now as it’s ever been, because you can't stop this activity. You try to install protective software on discs to prevent copying, but there are programs to get around that. You try to sue college kids, they give you the finger. I mean, honestly what are you expecting to get here? These are college kids, morons. Your settlement is going to end up being a dilapidated couch, a pyramid of empty beer cans and a beer pong table. That, of course, is assuming that these students even show up for the trial. Most of them will probably ignore the letter just like they ignore their schoolwork. They don’t have the money to pay for a settlement, so why bother responding to the letter? You’re not going to convince them that their actions are wrong, and it’s like arresting some random terrorist minion; ten more will pop up to take the place of anyone you take down. This is a losing battle, and as someone who, let’s just say actively supports those who procure music in questionably legal methods, it’s one I will do everything I can to help you lose, R.I.A.A.
- As a vocal defender of the civil rights of 15-year-old Mormon girls everywhere, I’m particularly offended by this story. Rebekah Rice, a high school freshman in Santa Rosa, Calif., was reprimanded by school officials and had a notation placed in her permanent record because when she was teased by other students about her Mormon upbringing, her retort was, “That’s so gay.” Now aside from not being all that witty or clever, I really don’t think Rebekah has done anything that wrong. Her parents have sued, which seems like overkill (after all, she wasn’t suspended or expelled, nor did she receive so much as detention), claiming her First Amendment rights were violated because the phrase Rebekah used is “widespread currency in youth culture.” In other words, kids say it all the time and they don’t use it with the same hateful, bigoted meaning that serious, humorless adults (especially activist wackos like the A.L.C.U.) assume that it has. This school district needs to remove the stick from its collective butt and get over itself, because unless you also plan to penalize kids for calling each other retards (offensive to the handicapped), stupid (offensive to dumb people), loser (offensive to people who fail to win in athletic competition) and dumbass (offensive to W.), this is just a petty and arbitrary attack on a kid who didn’t do anything wrong.
- Was the movie Sugar & Spice an educational video or a how-to flick and I just missed it? Sugar & Spice, you might remember, was the one where a group of teenage girls, more specifically cheerleaders, plotted to rob a bank to help pay medical cost for one of their own who had become pregnant. They robbed the bank, got the money and that pretty much sums up a mostly unremarkable movie. Two teenage girls in Acworth, Georgia apparently remember that movie and remember it well, because police say that the two unidentified young felons disguised only with sunglasses handed a teller a note demanding money, then took the cash and walked out. Best of all, no one even knows if they had a weapon. Of course, it’s best to just cooperate and not try to be a hero, that’s what we’re all told, but has it gotten to the point where a bank robber doesn’t even need to have a gun or claim to have one in order to get what they want? If you can hold up a bank with only a handwritten note and some sunglasses, then about 99.4% of the vapid, vain, superficial residents of L.A. and SoCal in general could successfully hold up a bank, provided that the note doesn’t have to be grammatically correct.
- Where were principals like this when I was in junior high? John Acera, a middle school principal in Bethlehem, Pa., was arrested and charged with selling crystal meth from his office after school and on weekends. There’s no evidence that Acera sold drugs to any students, but if you’re lack in scruples to the point that you’re selling crystal meth out of the principal’s office, it stands to reason that you wouldn’t have qualms about selling to an eighth-grader who could pony up the cash. In that school, getting called to the principal’s office took on a whole new meaning. “What, you mean I’m getting called to Principal Acera’s office? Sweet! I’m suffering withdr-, I mean, dang it, I’m in big trouble, this sucks….” Was there some kind of reward system, like instead of getting a certificate for making the honor or merit roll, you got a bag of crystal meth instead? How much could you earn for perfect attendance? Would a 4.0 GPA give you a guaranteed supply of meth for the entire year? And these are the kinds of people who are working closely with your kids and instructing them on a daily basis, America! Don’t you feel good about that?
- Here’s hoping that I wasn’t the only person in America who, at 9 p.m. on the nose, popped in their tape of last week’s series finale of The O.C. to watch and at least create the illusion that a favorite show isn't really gone. Still hard to believe that a show that was such a cultural phenomenon is gone and a show about adults trying to out-trivia fifth graders is in its place. Has anyone checked to make sure that the execs at Fox aren't all smoking peyote and making their programming decisions by putting on blindfolds and throwing darts at a “What shows do we put on air?” board? Seriously, drug testing for these people seems like a great idea right about now.
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