- Time for the weekly addition of a food item to the list of recalled products that could kill you or make you extremely sick. This week’s addition is something that’s actually bad for you, healthy-eating wise. Candy eggs from Green, Ohio-based Harry London Candies have been recalled by the Food and Drug Administration. The recall include the following products, many of which sound disgusting to begin with: the Mint Chegg, Double Chocolate Chegg, Marshmallow Chegg, Peanut Butter Chegg, Caramel Chegg and Toffee Chegg. I’m not sure what the heck a chegg is supposed to be, but Macy’s shoppers who bought them better hope they haven't yet eaten these curious culinary concoctions. Previously, the recently recalled foods had been veggies like spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms and celery, but this is the first unhealthy addition to that list. This is going to put a dent or two in the haul of many kids from their Easter baskets, and I’m sure there will be a few clueless parents who don’t hear about the recall and let their kids wolf down five or six of these candy eggs. Thus, in about a week I will look forward to bringing you stories of those kids being rushed to the emergency room and having the hazardous cheggs pumped from their stomachs, good times.
- Pimpin’ ain’t easy, and apparently pimpin’ can also land you in prison for 23 years, at least when you combine it with money laundering. Matthew “Knowledge” Thompkins of Trenton, N.J. pleaded guilty to charges of conspiracy to transport minors to engage in prostitution and conspiracy to engage in money laundering and received the lengthy sentence on Friday. I gotta say, what kind of street name is Knowledge, anyhow? Does that earn you much street cred, rolling with that kind of nickname? Pardon me for saying so, Mr. Knowledge, but that moniker doesn’t incite too much fear or panic into anyone, and I hafta figure you could have gone with something a little harder and edgier. Of course, you really won't be needing a name like that where you’re going, you can simply be known as “Inmate #433041.”
- I keep giving this advice, but it continues falling on deaf ears and I don’t know why. If you don’t want kids, don’t have unprotected sex and you won't have to worry about it. You cannot become a parent if you avoid that whole sex thing; it’s a 100% certainty. I feel the need to repeat this advice because of people like Charles G. Hope, Jr., 32, and Amber M. Revlett, 26, of Owensboro, Ky., who attempted to sell their 15-month-old daughter for $3,000 and a sport utility vehicle. Do me a favor and at least tell me you were getting a tricked-out Range Rover Limited Edition, guys. Of course, these two criminal masterminds had a great plan, using their profits to pay off Hope’s fines from previous criminal charges. In the pantheon of get-rich-quick schemes, this is one of the all-time dumbest. Selling a kid is going to raise some suspicion and draw more than a little attention, that’s for sure. At some point, your neighbors and family will notice that you haven't had your kid around for a while and they’ll start to ask questions. They aren't going to buy the excuse that a 15-month-old is on vacation or visiting relatives out of state for months on end. It’s clear the pair doesn’t place much value on being parents on raising a child, so again I feel obliged to point out that no one is making you have sex or have a child. You made the choice, so if you really don’t want the kid and it’s on the way anyhow, we do have a legal process for getting rid of it, it’s called adoption. I know that wouldn’t raise the necessary capital to pay off your fines, but maybe you can come up with a slightly more intelligent plan for that part of the equation.
- Glad to see that the principle of free speech is alive and well in Russia. Well, it is as long as you count the police violently beating down protesters with truncheons and hauling them off to jail. In the third major demonstration in the country in recent weeks was met with heavy police resistance. Protesters were speaking out against local issues, but they also lobbied accusations of the Kremlin stifling free speech, silencing dissenters and depriving them of a free and fair political process during December’s national elections. Ironic, isn't it, that in a march decrying the suppression of free speech, protesters had their voice bludgeoned and silenced by The Man? Nothing rebuffs claims of infringement on one’s right to free speech quite like beating them down when they try to exercise their right to free speech. Of course, tens of millions of Americans are exercising our right to free speech and using our voice to rip, ream and eviscerate our incompetent president and it’s not doing a bit of good in ending the debacle in Iraq. But hey, at least being able to vent makes us feel better…..until we see that more American soldiers have been killed and more billions of dollars wasted on this futile war.
- The Bush family made an attempt to gain some fake educational credibility, and that attempt was rebuffed. Jeb Bush, the erstwhile governor of Florida and brother of our Bozo in Chief, was denied an honorary degree at the University of Florida when the university’s board of directors voted against the honor. There’s much humor in the fact that this family can't even get a fake degree from a legitimate university, although that might not be true because I suspect that W.’s college degree from Yale is probably a fake because there’s no way that buffoon graduated from an Ivy League school with rigorous academic standards. Cheer up, Jeb, the University of Phoenix Online and DeVry Institute are still out there for you……..
- Tired of having multiple IDs with horrific-looking pictures of you on them? For those who try to hide embarrassing driver’s license photos and embarrassing passport photos, the state of Washington may have the solution for you: combine the two items into one, dual-purpose ID. Gov. Chris Gregoire signed a bill into law that calls for “enhanced” driver’s licenses that will allow the state’s residents to travel across the Canadian border without having a passport. The so-called “smart” IDs will look like normal licenses, but will be loaded with citizenship and other information that can be scanned at the border. Radio frequency ID chips and other advanced security features would also make these particular licenses less susceptible to forgery. I have a sneaking suspicion that the cost of driver’s licenses will also be going up in Washington, but hey, I’m sure that the many low-income families in the state won't mind shilling out a few extra bucks so they can have a new, souped-up driver’s license.
- Intensity and passion in sports are great things; players who give a crap and show emotion are what draw fans in and make them care about the games. That being said, freakish-looking University of Florida forward Joakim Noah is pushing the envelope with his on-court antics. Not to crack someone’s appearance, but someone who strongly resembles a fish and sports an ugly pony tail while belting out guttural yells every time he gets a rebound, makes a shot or is fouled somewhat detracts from the whole experience of watching a basketball game. Seriously, you get the feeling that dude is just out there to get his yell on, and actually playing the game is secondary. It got me wondering if he lets out the same disturbing yell during other activities, such as brushing his teeth in the morning. If he does a good job cleaning the plaque off of his molars, do his roommates her “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!” come from the bathroom. When he gets a good grade on a test or a paper, does he stand up in the middle of class, pound his chest and let out a roar? Take it down a notch, J, and try saving those screams for the actual stellar plays you make and the truly special moments in a game, otherwise you are cheapening the cinematic value of your bellowing and just end up looking like a circus sideshow act.
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