- Peanut butter can go on the list of food products that aren't safe to eat. Celery, green onions and mushrooms have been recent additions to the list because of contamination that usually involves E. coli, and now the discovery of salmonella at the ConAgra foods plant in Sylvester, Ga. makes everyone’s favorite sandwich spread the next dangerous food product. All sorts of peanut butter and peanut-butter-related products have now been recalled, but the list of foods that are actually safe to eat is growing shorter and shorter. At this point, unless you grow the food yourself, harvest it yourself and prepare it yourself, your chances of avoiding salmonella or E. coli appear to be slim at best.
- New rule for public officials, both elected and appointed: whatever sex you were when you took your current position, you need to remain that same sex throughout the duration of your term. I shouldn’t have to explain that one, but Steve/Susan Stanton of Largo, Fla. makes it necessary because dude was asking the public to keep him on as city manager even though he plans to undergo a sex-change operation and become a chick. I hate to be harsh, but let me bottom line this: Steve/Susan, you sick freak, sex change operations are about the most disgusting thing you can do. God made you one sex, and you really shouldn’t be having crucial body parts and appendages added or subtracted so you can change over to the opposite sex. That being said, if you really feel the need to do that, don’t do it when you’re in a high-level political position and we all have to be witness to your freakery. Wait til you’re out of office, then do it quietly and start anew somewhere else, somewhere where people won't remember you as once being a man. Of course, I do find it veeeeery compassionate and caring that Pastor Ron Saunders of the Lighthouse Baptist Church in Largo told Stusan, “If Jesus was here tonight, he’d want you terminated. Make no mistake about it.” Now that’s the kind of Christian love I like to see, play the, “Jesus wants bad things to happen to people who make questionable choices” card. Call me crazy, pastor, but I think maybe Jesus would view Stusan with a more compassionate eye and not wish for him to be fired and run out of town despite a morally wrong choice. None of that changes the fact that Stusan is a freak, though, and he/she is not someone that the people of Largo wish to have as their city manager any longer.
- Take heart, ye citizens devastated by Hurricane Katrina and still with your lives in shambles more than a year and a half later, the government finally realizes how slow it has been in providing the assistance it promised! Yes, you may have been saying for months and months that you’re not receiving the aid and support you need, and FEMA may have f’ed up badly, failed to help you and made life miserable, but be encouraged because the Chief Idiot, our beleaguered leader W., told New Orleans city officials that he realizes help has been slow in coming and that he “wants to know the frustrations.” Well, I hope that makes it all better, the bold promise to….hear your complaints. Not to fix them, rectify the mistakes or provide actual assistance, but to hear your frustrations. Well, at least these words came in expedient fashion, a mere 18 months or so after the disaster. That kind of speed and promptness should instill a sense of pride in every American and give Gulf Coast residents hope that their region will be rebuilt and will return to glory….in 2027.
- Good to see that students at Columbine High School are still mindful of the tragedy that happened at the school in 1999, when the deadliest school shooting in U.S. history took place. By mindful, I mean that some tool, maybe a student or maybe just some joker in the community, phoned in a bomb threat to CHS Thursday. Bomb threats are always lame and always totally out of line, but you’d think people who lived through such a major tragedy might have a little more sensitivity to this type of thing. But then again, maybe not. Police report that this was the 10th threat of violence against the school since the shootings, proving that to some twisted freaks, even the massive loss of human life isn't cause enough to stop acting like brain-dead idiots.
- Speaking of governmental efficiency and effectiveness….you can always count on the federal government, so long as you aren't counting on it to do things in a timely or ethical fashion. The Government Accountability office announced that the government (yes, the government evaluating the government, I realize how unbelievably illogical that is) has missed not one, not two, but thirty-freaking-four Congressionally imposed deadlines for requiring energy-efficiency standards on items ranging from home appliances to power transformers. Now that is focus and dedication at it’s finest. Anyone can fail to meet a few deadlines, but to miss 34 of them, you really have to be at the top of your game. Thankfully, those nearly three-dozen failures haven't negatively impacted anyone el-………oh wait, you mean that the result has been that consumers and corporations have had to pay tens of billions of dollars more for energy? Oh. Well, as evidenced by the previous story about the uber-slow hurricane relief, I’m sure that this matter will be addressed in a prompt, direct fashion.
- Nobody likes a welcher. If you lose a bet, pay up. That near universal rule is an important one when it comes to wagering, as it speaks to the integrity and character of those involved. Of course, lumping integrity and character in with gamblers is an oxymoron of the highest degree, but you do need to pay your debts when you wager. That being said, I think we can all agree that not paying up on the following bet is the right move. An unidentified Pakistani man who lost a poker bet to his friend Lal Heider some 15 years ago never made good on his bet. What did this anonymous Pakistani lose in the bet? Oh, just his then two-year-old daughter, Rasheeda. Yes, you read right, this degenerate bet his own daughter. Heider told his friend that if he won the bet, his $151 debt would be forgiven, but if he lost, he lost little Rasheeda. Now fast forward to the present, where our anonymous gambler has passed away but Lal Heider is still trying to collect on the bet. Rasheeda, now 17, is not surprisingly fighting to keep from going into Heider’s custody and has gone to court to stop it from happening. Hard to absolve anyone of fault here, with the exception of Rasheeda. She was an infant at the time of the bet and I don’t think she really would’ve been able to voice opposition to being put up in a bet. But how exactly do you bet your own kid? In what universe is that acceptable? I suppose it beats the ritual in ancient times of people who sacrificed their children to a pagan god by fire, but that’s not saying much. Worse, however, is Heider, who is still trying to force this teenage girl to honor her father’s bet and go into his custody. Color me cynical, but a middle-aged dude pushing hard to get his hands on a teenage girl…..I hate to say this, but it sure looks like Heider might have some questionable motives. I’m not a mind reader, nor do I want to allege what our buddy Lal might be thinking (SEX), but if I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s after Rasheeda for shady reasons (SEX, SEX, SEX). All in all, proof positive that in some bets, no one wins.
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