- When I read that President Bush is promising to work better with Mexico when it comes to policies and international relations, it warms my heart…..well, mostly that’s because nothing says “We want to work with you more and having better relations between our two countries,” quite like planning to erect a giant wall on the border to keep out would-be illegal immigrants from the other country in this equation. Mexican President Felipe Calderon met with W. when our Dumbass in Chief visited Mexico on his tour of Central and South America (yup, good choice, start an unnecessary war in the Middle East, allow it to deteriorate into an international debacle, then go on a tour of Colombia, Mexico and other countries who have nothing to do with said war. Unless this is some sort of scouting mission to find the next country we want to senselessly and wrongfully attack and invade……). Another issue discussed was drug trafficking, which allows Calderon to point out what his government has been doing to combat this vice while also criticizing the U.S. for not doing enough to help. What better response to that criticism than to build a gigantic freaking wall? Lastly, how charming and reassuring to hear W. claim he’ll dedicate the final years of his presidency to overhauling immigration law. Hey ass hat, why don’t you go ahead and focus on the joke of a war you’ve forced America into? Think you can devote some attention to that? As much as everyone else in America knows you’re a moronic ass clown and that this war is a total disgrace, you’re the only one with the final authority to pull our troops out and end it. So break out your crayons and write in (or perhaps have someone else help you to write in) time on your planner to think about ways to fix the whole Iraq mess. Thanks……..
- Who doesn’t love a good dynamic duo? Batman and Robin, Jordan and Pippen, Starsky and Hutch…..and the list goes on. The particular dynamic duo chosen by Seattle Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens is not one of those duos we all know and love, at least not the law enforcement professionals among us. Stevens, enjoying his off-season in the way many athletes seem to, was picked up by the cops in Arizona for a DUI and for possession of the hippie lettuce. On Tuesday, Scottsdale, Ariz. police pulled over Stevens for driving erratically and surprise, surprise, they found some of the chronic in his vehicle. Is there an athlete out there who doesn’t like to smoke weed? Honestly, every athlete brush with the law seems to involve pot. Guys that haven't been arrested for it admit in interviews that they enjoy smoking it, and Ricky Williams was willing to leave the NFL for a year so he could keep on gettin’ high. Stevens is already known as an irritant on the field by opponents, and he’s rubbed some of his own teammates the wrong way with his ‘tude. What should be readily apparent to Stevens and to all his other stoner/athlete buddies is this: if you have marijuana in your vehicle, you’re going to want to avoid any other illegal behavior or actions that might lead to the cops pulling you over and thus finding your stash. Don’t drive intoxicated, don’t go 100 m.p.h., don’t drive stoned….you get the point. If you have your weed on your person, make sure you drive within the confines of the law, then smoke your tree whenever you get home or to the home of a friend you’re going to visit. Seems like I should have to say that, but from the looks of it, I need to state it clearly and frequently.
- The true fun in this whole governmental crackdown on steroids, HGH and performance-enhancing drugs in general is hearing the lame-o excuses and explanations that the athletes and other individuals accused of purchasing the drugs offer for their alleged transgressions. Take, for example, Sly Stallone, who has been fingered for bringing the prohibited human growth hormone Jintropin into Australia in February. Honestly, though, I don’t think anyone really believes that Sly was intending to use those 48 vials of HGH, especially this particular one, which is commonly used as an anti-aging substance which reduces excess body fat, increases muscle mass and decreases wrinkling. Why would anyone believe a 60-year-old man who needs to be in good shape to make boxing and action movies would take a performance enhancer that builds muscle, reduces fat and combats wrinkles? I mean, it’s patently absurd. Additionally, I’m sure the possible $22,000 fine is verrrrrry scary to a man worth tens of millions of dollars. Nothing like being fined for a crime and having enough loose change rattling around in your car’s ashtray to pay said fine.
- Cross prison shower drains off your list of ideal places to hide a stolen diamond. Prison officials in Orange County, Calif. discovered a diamond worth $25,000 in one of the prison’s shower drains, and surprisingly, the man accused of stealing said diamond, Bret Allen Langford, is an inmate at the exact same prison. Shocking, I know…….but if you’re convicted of a crime, what does it really hurt to be found with the evidence? It does kinda poke a big hole in your chances of having your conviction overturned. Also, if the plan was holding onto the diamond and using it to finance your new life after your release, then hiding it in the shower drain or losing it there would be problematic. Interestingly, this diamond was stolen two years ago, and it’s just now being found. Just goes to show that in America, you don’t need to be bothered with pesky details like finding the physical evidence in order to convict someone. Just find twelve easily led souls who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty and you can steer them to any verdict you want. This time, thankfully, it looks like they stumbled upon the correct one for a change.
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