Rosie O'Donnell is fat, disgusting and dumb, and I revel in ripping her

- Paging Donald Trump, paging Donald Trump……..Rosie O’Donnell is in need of another verbal beatdown, and since the Donald so loves lighting O’Fat up with a flurry of verbal jabs and uppercuts, I thought he’d want the chance. Normally a person could make the moronic comments that O’Fat makes and they’d fly largely under the radar, but because of her recent history of sounding bitter, militant and unintelligent every time she opens her pie hole (well, when she’s not busy shoving a side of barbecue spare ribs into it), I feel compelled to blast her on a regular basis. This time, O’Fat weighed in (something I’m sure she doesn’t do too often, because after all, finding one of those roadside weigh stations with a big enough scale to weigh her giant, flabby body is tough) on the Antonella Barba scandal, and not surprisingly, O’Fat sounds like the bitter, fat, gross slob she always is. She insists that Barba still on American Karaoke only because she’s thin and white, while a black contestant was voted off in a previous season after posing for reveling photos as Barba did. I can't speak for the white/black part of the equation, but here’s the thing; neither can Rosie. Hey O’Fat, you do know you’re white, right? I don’t remember seeing you leading our nation’s civil rights crusade with Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson, so don’t play the race card now because you’re just too stupid to come up with anything more insightful. Secondly, and most importantly: yes, most people prefer looking at thin, good looking women as opposed to obscenely fat, three-chin sporting slobs like you. Sorry, but it’s the truth. Quit being the bitter fat chick and if you really have an issue with this, push away from the buffet table and hit the gym at least once a decade. This is a fake reality show/karaoke show/talent competition, and people who are dumb enough to pay to call in and vote for the winner deserve to vote on whatever criteria they choose. This ain’t the presidential election, O’Fat, and it doesn’t matter who wins or how. I would rather hear Antonella Barba and her talentless voice sing for a week straight than to listen to one second of the offensively bitter and moronic blathering coming from your mouth, so can it, O’Fat, no one thinks you’re funny or insightful.

- My blanket policy when it comes to spandex is thus: it’s something you should try to avoid if at all possible. Sometimes you can’t, such as track and field athletes who need to be as aerodynamic as possible and who could be hurt literally by being slowed down even .0001 seconds. However, the general population and even athletes in other sports really don’t have a pressing need for spandex outfits, at least not as a primary layer of clothing. You want to slap on some spandex shorts under a pair of athletic shorts as a secondary layer, fine. Otherwise, we need to have a mandatory licensing process for anyone wanting to wear spandex, as evidenced by the many, many people who, to put it kindly, have a bit too much beef on their physique to look good in the material. For this reason, I have to say how absurdly bad the new basketball uniforms from Nike look. The new duds feature the normal basketball shorts topped off by a form-fitting spandex top, and they look as absurd as they sound. You’ve got the normal, past-the-knee length shorts players like to wear that look more like Capri pants than shorts, then up top you have this über-tight jersey and the juxtaposition of the two is ridiculous. Everyone’s looking for the next cool look and the next innovation to stay ahead of the fashion/athletic performance field, but this is a step back, not a step forward.

- See, this is why you need to avoid sending personal email from your work email address. If you make that mistake and then find yourself in the middle of an astronaut love triangle wherein one of the participants drives cross country wearing an adult diaper to kidnap another member of the triangle, then those emails will become public fodder. Astronaut Bill Oefelein is finding that out now that emails described as “steamy” are being released as part of the court records in the case against astro-nut Lisa Nowak. There are emails between Oefelein and both Nowak and Air Force Sgt. Colleen Shipman, and in those emails you can find talk of ripping clothes off, being head-over-heels in love and getting your astronaut freak on. I’m betting that our buddy Bill is regretting sending those emails from his NASA account right about now, just like he’s regretting ever hooking up with Nowak in the first place, then dumping her for Shipman. Lots of guys have stories about crazy ex-girlfriends who go too far to exact revenge, but Oefelein looks to have hooked himself one of the craziest, most mentally unstable fish in the pond this time.

- I don’t know who looks worse in this next story, the schmucks who fell for a multi-million dollar art scam or the crooks that operated it. Normally you’re inclined to rip anyone who bilks others out of that kind of jack, but this time, equal ridicule has to go to the bilkees. Many of us enjoy art and the idea of having a painting by Picasso, Chagall or Dali hanging in your home to impress friends and visitors is enticing. However, if said piece of art, alleged to be signed by the painter himself, was purchased through a televised auction on some home shopping channel, I have to begin asking serious questions about the IQ level of the buyer. If you’re dumb enough to believe that you are buying a piece of art from a world-renowned painter through a TV auction, then you just might deserve to part with some of the money in your wallet. Kristine Eubanks, 49, and husband Gerald Sullivan, 51, are alleged to be at the helm of the scam and have been charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud, wire fraud and interstate transportation of stolen property. Crimes of stupidity, thankfully, are not allowed, so those who got suckered into buying the faux-art won't be charged with anything. I guess P.T. Barnum wasn’t wrong when he said there’s a sucker born every minute, because most of the time it seems like there’s one born every ten seconds.

- Some lucky Star Wars loser is going to be verrrrrry popular when he or she attends the next Convention of Losers. That’s because someone out there paid $107,109 to buy the robe worn by Sir Alec Guinness when he played Obi Wan Kanobe in the first round of Star Wars flicks. The robe, which is described as being more of a burlap sack, was sold for that obscenely high price at an auction, and I can just picture the winning bidder, phoning in from his mom’s basement, playing Dungeons and Dragons and trying to use his grubby 32-year-old hands to fish the last of his money out of his Jabba the Hut piggy bank and asking his mom if he can have this week’s allowance a day early so he can buy this robe he just has to have. Next time this dork goes to a Star Wars convention, I bet all of the chicks dressed as Princess Lea will definitely want to hook up with him now that he’s sporting this great piece of movie history. Well done, loser, I hope you’re happy with yourself.

- Steve Spurrier arrived at the University of South Carolina seeking to establish the Gamecocks as a national college football power, and based on this latest story about his program, he’s well on his way. More so than signing a Top 10 recruiting class, having a player arrested is a clear indication that you are in fact a big-time program. Stephen Garcia, a freshman quarterback for South Carolina, is in a bit of trouble after he allegedly keyed the car of one of his professors, along with a prior arrest for drunkenness and failing to stop for a police officer. You can talk all you want about big wins on the field, recruiting top-notch players, winning bowl games and championships, but nothing says “major football power” quite like an arrest. Preferably it would be for domestic violence (a la Lawrence Phillips in the ‘90s at Nebraska) or drug use, or assault, but in this case vandalizing a prof’s car will have to do. The Miami Hurri-thugs have built nearly their entire tradition on being criminal gangstas, and if South Carolina can keep piling up the arrests, they can build that same kind of tradition. If they need any sort of mentoring in this endeavor, they can always contact the professionals, by which I mean the Cincinnati Bengals, an NFL team that takes getting arrested to a whole new level, almost an art form.

- I urge you to ignore the new O.J. Simpson story about him claiming that he may be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s infant daughter. Quite frankly, the Juice is simply working as hard as possible to upgrade his suite in hell. He’s currently at the deluxe model condo with a plasma screen and hot tub, but by claiming he may have fathered the baby of a deceased woman and joking that he hopes he’s not the father so Fred Goldman won't try to repossess the baby to help satisfy the civil judgment against O.J. in the wrongful death suit, the Juice is clearly trying to move up to the über-deluxe mansion with a game room, indoor pool and in-home theater. Yes, O.J., you are still the worst guy ever.