- From the Bureau of Not Stunning News…..Ohioans are purchasing (and theoretically consuming) increasing amounts of hard liquor. Sales have shot up 25 percent in the last decade, and honestly, who would be surprised by that? After all, these people do live in Ohio, where winter is an eight-month odyssey and Northeast Ohio has less sunny days than any other area in the entire country. That kind of weather alone is enough to drive most people to vodka, tequila, rum, etc. The liquor industry tallied $640 million in sales in Ohio last year, and the total gallons sold was the highest total since 1993. Add to the equation gawd-awful sports teams like the Browns, Indians and Reds and it’s easy to see that Ohioans are seriously in need of something to dull the pain and blur their memories.
- The Heisman Trophy ceremony has become one giant commercial, with about 50 minutes of pointless blabbering and about five minutes actually devoted to presenting the award. This year’s broadcast, more anticlimactic than your average, predictable teen slasher movie, lingered on for way too long before reaching the inevitable conclusion of Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith winning the Heisman. With only three candidates invited to the ceremony in downtown Manhattan, that left even more time for banter, postulating and yammering by scores of talking heads. And oh, in case you didn’t know by the scores of commercials crammed down your throat, Nissan sponsored the award this year. That the Heisman has a sponsor is laughable….sponsors are needed to provide backing for things that otherwise might not have the funding or support to happen. So why does the most storied award in college sports need a sponsor? You’re telling me it couldn’t be presented without a sponsor? Really? Cut the crap, take the show down to half an hour and don’t waste our time with all the extraneous garbage, ESPN.
- Now here’s a cat fight that millions of guys would pay to see, assuming there were bikinis and jello involved, how many guys in the 18-49 age bracket wouldn’t plunk down a large amount of money to see top-heavy songstress Mariah Carey duke it out with adult film star and former California gubernatorial candidate (seriously) Mary Carey? Mariah wants to trademark her name, fearing fans would confuse the two, and also to prevent Mary from singing. Right, because no one could possibly tell the two of you apart. One has eight-octave range, wears skanky outfits like skin-tight NBA jerseys passing for dresses and makes bad music. The other…….well, she does what adult film stars do. So ladies, I think we can all agree that this need not go to court. Simply pick out your favorite bikini, hop in the jello pit and when the bell rings, come out swinging.
- Metallica and other artists have spent a lot of time b*tching about copyright laws, Napster, etc. here in the U.S. Many other artists, like the Beastie Boys have gone on the warpath against the “illegal” copying and sharing of CDs. So the British perhaps are feeling left out, and so Paul McCartney, U2 and Eric Clapton are going into battle against the British government to protest the current British copyright laws that only protects sound recordings are performers rights for 50 years. In America, the same laws are for 95 years. Under the British laws, some of the Beatles biggest hits could be up for grabs as early as 2012. It always cracks me up that artists who charge a couple hundred bucks for a concert ticket, twenty-five dollars for a t-shirt and seventeen bucks for an album are so concerned about things like this. I understand you wrote the songs, but how about you just be happy with the hundreds of millions you can rake in from your music in that 50-year span and stay quiet.
- A quick review of the Billboard charts…..the Hannah Montana soundtrack is three spots above the new Beatles album, Love, on the charts, which has to be another sign of the apocalypse……Akon still has two of the top three singles, which still is an abomination…..a song by Bow Wow titled Shortie Like Mine is another top 10 single, which is quite a well-crafted song title for a song that surely contains equally skilled and thoughtful lyrics (please shoot me in the head if I ever have to listen to that song)…….Jim Jones has a top 10 single and a top 5 Hip-Hop single, and no, I’m pretty sure this is not the same Jim Jones who cultivated a cult following before forcing his followers to drink the toxic Kool-Aid, although even if it was I still would have no interest in listening to the music.
- Nicole Ritchie, coming to a driving safety course near you. That could actually happen after the waifish (seriously, 5’1, 85 pounds!) wannabe actress/reality TV skank was pulled over for driving the wrong way on an L.A.-area freeway at 4:30 in the morning. She admitted to being hopped up on Vicodin and marijuana when cops pulled her over following calls from two concerned motorists. I’m actually having a little bit of a problem processing this, actually. Not the driving the wrong way, not the painkillers.…..I’m talking about the hippie lettuce. After all, if you are just over five feet tall and weighing in at a robust 85 freaking pounds, odds are you don’t eat much or often. But I think we all know that smoking tree usually leads to cravings for Doritos, Cheetos and other foods that really aren't good for your figure. Seems like a difficult balance to strike, staying that thin and smoking something that gives you a bad case of the munchies.
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