Sunday, June 29, 2014

Luis Suarez sucks at lying, "Weekend at Bernie's" congressional races and Jack White v. Dublin curfew


- The spirit of rock ‘n roll is alive and well in Dublin….and in the mind of Jack White. White became the latest artist to run headlong into the inexplicable and decidedly un-cool curfews placed on concerts in certain European cities and while icons such as Sir Paul McCartney have been unable to rise above the late-night musical prohibitions of London, White found a way around the 11 p.m. closing time for concerts in Dublin. Having a concert curfew in a city built on Jameson, Guinness and drunken shenanigans seems inherently contradictory, but the curfew exists nonetheless and it became a problem for White and The Kills at the end of their scheduled set at Dublin's Kilmainham Royal Hospital. White went through his set list, which included a duet with Kills singer Alison Mosshart - White's bandmate in The Dead Weather – on the track “Love Interruption” as the show finale. White delivered a thorough effort for the large crowd, playing for two hours and 15 minutes and doing his own material along with covers of Beck's “Where It's At” and The Stooges' “I Wanna Be Your Dog” as part of a medley with The White Stripes' “Fell In Love With A Girl.” At the end of the night, venue officials turned off the power to the sound system in compliance with the curfew, but White was not going to be backed down by some ridiculous local ordinance. The Kills came on stage for a cover of Leadbelly's “Goodnight Irene” as White announced: "Listen up, you've got to quiet down. You've got to quiet down, the PA's gone." Undeterred by the lack of electrical assistance, he led the audience through the lyrics of the remainder of the song. Left unasked was the question of when Dublin lost its ability to enjoy a fun night out on the town………


- Princess Theodora Sayn-Wittgenstein is the kind of girl every guy should be seeking. For starters, she is an actual German princess and any time you can date royalty, you take that chance. But the real reason Princess Theodora is such a winner was on display at a recent college party in Scotland. On the surface, a 27-year-old college graduate crashing a party at her old school is somewhat pathetic, but if you’re going to crash that party, you had damned well better make an impact. Princess Theodora did exactly that by having a beer or 10 too many, attempting to climb a fence, stripping and going on a bizarre rant about fingernail care and slaughtering Muslims. According to police, the princess was attending an Oktoberfest party at the prestigious St. Andrews college in Scotland - where she was once a student - when she tried to climb a fence and started taking off her clothes. Before she impaled herself on the fence, security was able to corral her and take her to a first aid tent where she told worker Farah Hussein: "I was doing my nails this morning. I wondered how many Muslims I could kill." Hussein left the room in tears and as far as drunken rants go, this is a pretty decent one, especially because the princess followed her words by violently attacking another medical worker and a security guard, kicking one and trying to head-butt the other, before colleagues managed to pin her to the ground. All in all, bigotry, drunken fence climbing, stripping, head-butting and kicking medical workers is a night Princess Theodora won't soon forget, especially after she admitted to one charge of disturbing the peace aggravated by religious prejudice, and two counts of assault as a result of the incident. Her family must be so proud that she was so aggressive that officers had to put her in leg restraints before transporting her by van to a local police station. The good news is that Princess Theodora, who lives in Germany and works for her father’s alternative energy firm but gave an address in Chelsea, London, will in no way be asked about this over and over in the days ahead…….


- Congressional elections are rarely interesting. That’s because Tim Murray is not involved in them. Murray is part kook, part caricature and part conspiracy theorist….but he’s 100 percent pure intrigue when it comes to Oklahoma’s seemingly innocuous District 3 congressional election. Murray, who is best described as a fringe candidate, lost on Tuesday to incumbent Rep. Frank Lucas. Murray is not down with those results, but not because of any normal reason. No, Murray has announced plans to contest Tuesday’s primary election on the ground that Lucas is not qualified for office….because the man presenting himself as Lucas is not really Lucas. Murray raised the issue in his letter announcing his plan to contest Lucas’s election writing, “…it is widely known Rep. Frank D. Lucas is no longer alive and has been displayed by a look alike.” In a kook-tastic post on his amusing website, Murray expounded on his theory that Lucas was hanged “…executed by the world court on or about jan. 11, 2011…” in Ukraine. The “world court” seems like an ambiguous and vague international entity straight out of an Austin Powers movie and not knowing exactly when someone was offed by said entity poses a bit of a problem for this conspiracy theory. Lucas, who might not be a bastion of legislative integrity but does seems to be the same Frank Lucas who has been re-elected by voters numerous times, is bewildered by all of this. “It does come as kind of a shock to read that you’re not you,” Lucas said. “I’ve never been to Ukraine.” The two men have squared off in elections before, with the apparently schizophrenic Murray running in the past as a Democrat before jumping teams to the Republican side this time. Oddly enough, just 5.2 percent of Oklahomans voted for Murray, while Lucas won more than 82 percent of the vote. In Murray’s delusional world, since the real Frank Lucas is dead, the votes for Lucas should be his. At this point, Murray has only sent his bat-sh*t insane letter to the board of elections and has not filed a formal protest. In his letter, Murray wrote: “I, Timothy Ray Murray, am a human, born in Oklahoma, and obtained and continue to fully meet the requirements to serve as U.S. Representative when honored to so.  I will never use a look alike to replace my (The Office’s) message to you or to anyone else, as both the other Republican Challengers have. Rep. Frank Lucas, and a few other Oklahoma and other States’ Congressional Members were depicted as being executed by The World Court on or about Jan. 11, 2011 in Southern Ukraine. On television they were depicted as being executed by the hanging about the neck until death on a white stage and in front of witnesses.” Whatever you say, nut job……….


- Luis Suarez is a much better soccer player than he is a liar. The Uruguayan striker infamously bit Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini in a World Cup group stage match on Tuesday and although he was not given a red card and ejected from the game and his team advanced to the knockout stage, his Cup ended with that chomp down on Chiellini’s shoulder. It ended because FIFA kinda, sorta got his punishment right when it banned Suarez for nine Uruguay matches and from all soccer for four months. Given that this is the third time Suarez has bitten an opponent, a ban of a year or more would have been just…unless you ask the cannibal himself. Suarez told FIFA's disciplinary panel that he did not deliberately bite Chiellini and used arguably the worst story possible to explain what in front of the goal in that fateful moment. While video of the incident clearly showed his head moving forward, mouth open and teeth clamping down on Chiellini’s flesh, Suarez wrote in his appeal of the punishment that the situation "in no way it happened how you have described, as a bite or intent to bite." His words appear in paragraph six of FIFA's ruling, in which Suarez wrote: "After the impact... I lost my balance, making my body unstable and falling on top of my opponent. At that moment I hit my face against the player, leaving a small bruise on my cheek and a strong pain in my teeth." A strong pain in your teeth? That will happen WHEN YOU BITE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. But saying you stumbled and used your teeth to catch yourself by locking onto another person’s shoulder is so ridiculously nutty that it’s almost admirable that Suarez was willing to put it on paper for the world to see. Nice try, Lou, but that appeal won't be doing you much good……….

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