- So what to do if you’re an alkie, disgraced pop-tart celebrity who can say no to the booze and often leaves the house without underwear on? How do you go about resurrecting a career that has gone down the crapper because you can’t get a handle on your partying ways? One of the go-to tactics for fallen starlets these days seems to be getting guest appearance on mediocre primetime comedies. First, Britney Spears tried to prove to America that she’s not just a crazy, alcoholic, clubbing, bad mother and total train wreck by guesting on CBS’ wildly overrated and unfunny How I Met Your Mother. Her turn as a quirky receptionist seemed to actually do some good in convincing people that she’s not a total lost cause - at least until the next time she’s out clubbing until 4 a.m., forgets to put on underwear and misses a custody hearing for her two sons. Her quasi-success has seemingly inspired the equally skanky, slightly less crazy Lindsay Lohan to try her own guest spot on ABC’s Ugly Betty, a show that is only slightly better than How I Met Your Mother. Lohan’s first episode will be the show’s season finale, which will air on May 22, but she’s signed for additional episodes and will be back next season in a role that has her playing a hard-luck friend of the show’s title character. If you’re looking to waste an hour of your time on May 22 or want to judge for yourself whether Lohan’s terrible acting in flicks like Mean Girls has improved at all, tune in and see for yourself.
- Seems like the police are telling a different story than Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson about what happened when Benson was arrested Saturday night on Lake Charles in Austin, Tex. on charges of boating while intoxicated and resisting arrest. Benson had bloodshot eyes, a “strong” alcohol odor and slurred speech when stopped by authorities while boating last weekend on Lake Travis, according to a police report released Monday. Benson has been telling everyone who will listen that he was just having a good time on his boat when the cops showed up, harassed him, pepper-sprayed him and roughed him up for no good reason The details in the report differ greatly from Benson's account of the incident, which occurred Saturday night after the 30-foot boat was stopped for a random safety inspection. ‘There was no resistance on my part,” Benson stated in an interview. “Was I drunk? No.” He also said that “there was alcohol on the boat and others were enjoying themselves, but I wasn't drunk.” Oh, okay Cedric, there was booze on the boat but you didn’t have a few pops. What, were you the designated pilot for the boat that night? I’m a little less inclined to believe you than Sgt. Leonard Snyder, who sprayed and arrested Benson. Snyder wrote in his report that he believed Benson was intoxicated because he was "combative," "cocky," "insulting," and used "profanity," and at other times was "crying" and "cooperative." Now, do I believe that Snyder and his men may have used excessive force on Benson? It’s definitely possible and abuse of power by law enforcement is a real, pressing problem in countries around the world, especially the United States. But do I believe that the allegations that Benson failed sobriety tests applied by Snyder, who works with the Lower Colorado River Authority, and refused to come ashore for additional tests and “stood up from the position where I had him seated and suggested I could not tell him what to do,”? No. I don’t think those facts are made up, not in the least. The characterization of Benson as taking a “hostile” posture towards the arresting officers is a subjective matter, but the fact remains that he was clearly uncooperative and presented problems because of how he handled the matter. This could have turned out to be much less of an issue of Benson hadn’t (allegedly) acted like an ass on that boat. Now he’s in the middle of a huge mess that has a lot of quick-trigger-finger observers in and around Chicago calling for the Bears to release him. Well done, Ced, well done.
- Top 100 ways to know if you have a gambling problem….No. 14 on the list comes to us courtesy of a couple of morons from Southampton, N.Y. This married couple was so focused on getting their gamble on that they made a beeline for the local off-track betting parlor to bet on Saturday’s Kentucky Derby despite the fact that they had in their care their two-month-old son. That in and of itself is a problem, mostly because raising a child is expensive and losing money betting on horse races isn’t exactly the best way to build up Junior’s college fund or even buy diapers and formula. Those economic principles were lost on this couple, because they went ahead and threw their money away betting on the Derby. The best part of this story is that while they went inside to gamble, they left their infant son alone in their car, which they also left running. Good thinking, geniuses! For 20 minutes, you left your two-month-old son alone in a running car! What happens if someone steals your car because they see it running and essentially unoccupied? What happens if the inside of the car overheats or some other emergency happens? And did you think that no one is going to notice a running car with an unattended infant inside and point that out to the police? Be thankful that stupid isn’t something you can be charged with criminally, because if it were, the misdemeanor child-endangerment charges you two are facing right now wouldn’t be your only concern.
- When you become a disgraced former “World’s Fastest Man,” your life can take one of many turns. Whatever your reason for falling from grace (and in track, it’s almost always steroids), you lose the respect and admiration of many who used to look up to you. You most likely can't race anymore, so you need to figure out what your next move is. Not everyone is equipped to make that kind of tough decision and to seize control of their life. Thank God former world 100 meters champion Tim Montgomery isn’t one of those people. When his track career ended because he trained with a coach who was a ‘roid head and Montgomery himself juiced, you had to wonder where T. Montgomery would go. Where he went is to the world of fraud, counterfeiting and (alleged) drug dealing. The former 100-meter world-record holder is to be sentenced May 16 in a New York-based check-kiting conspiracy. He pleaded guilty in that case, admitting he helped his former coach, Olympic champion Steve Riddick, and others cash $1.7 million in stolen and counterfeit checks. He could be sentenced to as many as 46 months in prison for that one, but he wasn’t about to stop there in his criminal career. His new legal battle took its latest step Tuesday when a federal judge in Norfolk, Va. denied bond for Montgomery on federal heroin distribution charges. My man T. Montgomery appeared in U.S. District Court before Magistrate Judge F. Bradford Stillman, who set a July 9 trial date and denied bond in the process. The hearing came after the 33-year-old sprinter was arrested last week on a sealed indictment accusing him of dealing more than 100 grams of heroin in Virginia. Nice move, Monty. When facing four years in prison for some namby-pamby charges like fraud and counterfeiting, the best move is to take it up a notch. Commit a real crime, a serious one that leaves no doubt in the minds of those deciding your fate as to where you belong. Personally if I’m awaiting sentencing on the charges Montgomery was already facing, I’m staying down and launching a campaign of good works that would make mother Theresa look like a bad person by comparison. But that’s just me and I’m clearly not a competitive, tough, world-class athlete like Montgomery. He has a plan for his life and right now that plan appears to center on doing everything possible to make sure he goes to prison for a long, long time.
- You’ve put me in a bad position, Tom Hanks, and to be frank, I’m not sure what to do. On the one hand, your endorsement of Barack Obama for president is a great thing, a true act of patriotism in no small part because it also means you opposed the tyrannical reign of femi-Nazi Hank Clinton. I’ve gone on record as saying that anyone who opposes Hank is a friend of mine and a friend of America, but the means through which Hanks has chosen to make his support for Obama known poses a quandary for me. See, the endorsement came through a video posted on Hanks’ MySpace page, hence my dilemma. As opposed as I am to Hank Clinton, I am equally opposed to that haven for pedophiles also known as MySpace. In an Internet world rife with losers, degenerates, freaks and lowlifes, MySpace is pack to the rafters with the lowest life forms. If you don’t think thousands of child predators prowl that site on a daily basis looking for their next victim, you’re deluding yourself. So when Hanks posts a video saying that history will be made this November no matter who is elected and that he wants it to be Obama in part because he represents a race that has historically been looked down upon in this country, I’m glad for the support of Obama. However, I am also morally and ethically opposed to MySpace because I just can't get down with a webstie that is such a ginormous enabler for aspiring child molesters. So here’s what I’m going to do, Tom: pretend this whole mess never happened. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve made no statement at all concerning an endorsement for any of the presidential candidates. Now, if you’d like to make one through an acceptable medium, we can move forward and start fresh….
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