- I have to laugh at all of the fans and critics who are ripping the new Speed Racer movie for being way too long and cumbersome, as if they went in expecting something different from a film produced by those freaks the Wachowski brothers. You do know that these are the same weirdos who directed the Matrix trilogy, right? Did you think guys who gave your sprawling, overwrought sci-fi epics in three straight movies were suddenly going to turn in a neat, tidy 1 hour and 45 minute action film with a streamlined, easily understandable plot? Trying to combine major eye candy and nonstop action with a sensible, orderly plot has never been a strength for these guys, so a comic book adaptation of a legendary cartoon character doesn’t exactly inspire confidence that the trend will change. Speed Racer is played by Emile Hirsch, an aspiring young driver working for th company run by his father (John Goodman). Trouble ensues when racing magnate Royalton (Roger Allam) decides he wants Speed to race for his company and is willing to use any means to make sure that happens. Speed’s older brother Rex’s death further complicates the plot, but is anyone going to see this movie and possessing any sort of intellectual capabilities at all expecting a great plot? You go to movies like this for the action and the visual smorgasbord and that’s exactly what you get. All of the car racing scenes are CGI, so you’re in for a treat there. The colors, graphics and fast-changing scenery are almost enough to divert your attention from the mediocre plot and bad writing, but not quite. If this movie were about half an hour shorter, overlooking its flaws would be a whole lot easier. As it is, a running time of 2 hours, 16 minutes is way too long and provides ample time to spot and dread its many flaws. Not a great flick, not one I’d recommend spending your money on, but still a heck of a lot better than crappy films like What Happens in Vegas….
- There is no other way to describe this next story other than disgusting, disturbing and slightly confusing. Three teenagers from the town of Humble, Texas were arrested on Wednesday, and are accused of digging up the corpse of an 11-year old boy, decapitating the corpse and then using the skull as a bong. Houston police have stated that Matthew Richard Gonzalez (17-years old), and Kevin Wade Jones (17-years old) dug up the corpse with the help of a 16-year old accomplice, and the three reportedly have told investigators that this repulsive act took place in March. Ironically, The police weren’t even investigating the unearthed, decapitated corpse case when they interviewed Kevin Jones. They were questioning him about a stolen credit card case when he told them about the digging up of the corpse. Gonzalez then took the police to the location where they dug up the corpse. Like I said, disgusting, disturbing and confusing. How the hell do you get to the point where you’re bent on getting high that you’re inspired to go dig up a corpse, lop its head off and make a bong out of the skull> How does that possibility even come up? I realize you stoners can make a bong out of literally anything - apple core, Coke can, toilet paper roll, etc. - but how do you run out of ideas for new ways to fashion a bong and stumble upon using a skull? Even for stoners, that’s bizarre. And even if you’re jones-ing for a high and a new way to get there, don’t even stoners have to have a little respect for the dead? Not only that, did you guys actually have an intense debate about what grave to dig up so as to get the best size skull for a bong? Did you purposely pick a kid because of the smaller skull size? Is that a better fit when making a bong out of a human skull? I admittedly don’t know the answer to that question; my subscription to High Times has regrettably lapsed. But this situation is also very confusing because isn’t making the effort to procure gardening tools, drive to the cemetery and spend time digging up the grave totally against the stoner code of conduct? Isn't the idea to get high while expending the least amount of effort possible? Being innovative and creative aren't exactly qualities regularly espoused by potheads. Just an all-around disturbing, perplexing situation and one I hope I never hear the likes of again. Just go back to your apple cores and empty soda cans, stoners, and leave the innovation to the rest of us.
- Not a good few days for respecting the deceased. Following up on the “stoners make bong from human skull” story is news that Florida Gators safety Jamar Hornsby turned himself in Friday to answer charges he allegedly used the credit card of a woman killed six months ago in a tragic motorcycle accident that also killed a teammate. Hornsby, 21, a sophomore from Jacksonville, faces a third-degree felony count of fraudulent use of a credit card for more than $100, and a misdemeanor charge of credit card theft. The card he used belonged to Ashley Slonina, a University of Florida student who died in an October 2007 motorcycle accident that also took the life of Gators walk-on football player Michael Guilford. In other words, the crash killed a teammate and a friend of that teammate and Hornsby used it to extract financial gain for himself. Very classy, Jamar, verrrry classy. This wasn’t a one-time deal either; according to Alachua County Sheriff's Office spokesman Stephen Maynard, the card was used 33 times in Alachua County and another 37 times in Jacksonville, for $3,000 in charges. It’s one thing if you are in dire financial straits and you do something despicable like this to literally save your life. Even then it’s totally reprehensible and inexcusable, but at least it doesn’t make me as violently ill and eager to hurt the person in question like it does when you use the car 70 times for $3,000. Dude, I know you think that because the girl is dead that who’s this really hurting, but come on. You can’t believe this is all right, acceptable, defendable or even human. You showed a total lack of humanity, respect, dignity, class and integrity that we rarely see this side of serial killers and child rapists. “I would love to hear the explanation for utilizing the card of a deceased person,” Maynard said, summing it up nicely. I’d like to hear it as well, although I have a feeling that once I hear the explanation it’s going to be so moronic that I actually am going to have to drive to Florida and crush Hornsby over the head with a barbed-wire-covered 2x4 doused in lighter fluid and lit on fire. Hornsby’s connection to Slonina like came about because she was the girlfriend of another Florida teammate. She was apparently getting a ride home from Guilford when his motorcycle struck a curb at high speed near campus early on the morning of Oct. 12. Now her family gets to deal with not only the pain of losing her at such a young age but also of knowing that someone used her death for their own financial gain. If UF head football coach Urban Meyer has a conscience at all, he will suspend Hornsby from the team immediately and then strip him of his scholarship and boot him from the team the instant he either pleads guilty or is found guilty at trial.
- Nothing turns the stomach and screams wildly inappropriate like Playboy founder Hugh Hefner telling Extra he'd like Miley Cyrus to pose in his magazine once the Disney star is of legal age. Yet there was Hefner, saying, “Sure, she’d be welcomed in the magazine. Very pretty lady. And I think to make such a big to-do over something as innocent as those [Vanity Fair] photos, I think is a reflection on how schizophrenic America is about sexuality.” She’s not a lady, Hugh, she’s a GIRL. If you want to make some sort of sick designation in your own mind that you’ll offer her a pictorial when she turns 18 (assuming your decaying self is still alive in three years), that’s your business. But just say, “No comment,” when someone throws that question at you. Cyrus has already admitted that’s she’s embarrassed by the pics she took that show her barebacked and also the even more disturbing one of her laying between her father’s legs in a seductive pose. She regrets doing those, but you want to further drag her down into the mud by suggesting that she is welcome to pose for your skin rag in a few years? Memo to you, H. Hefner: this isn't some sort of porn fantasy draft here. You can’t divvy up hot underage girls and designate them as future Playboy skanks when they’re only 15 years only. You, Larry Flynt, Joe Francis and the publishers of other skin rags and videos can’t sit down in a room, set up your draft boards and decide what girls you want to pose nude in your publications when they turn 18. It’s vile, it’s nasty and it reeks of dirty, lecherous old man behavior in a way it’s hard to fully describe. Why not make a marked departure from your usual vile ways and show a shred of respect to a girl who has clearly made a decision she regrets and wants to move past? But once again, Hugh Hefner stooping to the lowest common denominator and showing that he’s just a pervy old man right to the core.
- See what happens when you’re stuck with the worst coach and executive in NBA history for a few years? Your sense of reality becomes so warped that when you’re free of that massive weight from around your neck, you make insane contract offers to good-but-not-great free agent coaches in the hopes that they can turn your team’s miserable fortunes around. Such is the plight of the New York Knicks, who on Thursday outlined the lucrative parameters of a five-year deal they're prepared to give new No. 1 coaching target Mike D'Antoni, according to NBA coaching sources. The latest estimates on the five-year package New York is prepared to formally put on the table fall in the $30 million range. It's a level of annual compensation exceeded by only a few coaches in the game, such as Phil Jackson and recent coaching retiree Pat Riley, both of whom have won multiple NBA titles as opposed to the zero D’Antoni has won or ever played for in the NBA Finals. The Knicks are competing with the Chicago Bulls for D’Antoni’s services, but even so, this is an absurd contract offer. The Bulls appear to be the sane ones in the mix, as they are determined to “pay D'Antoni only on their terms” and won't engage in a “protracted price war” with the Knicks. Good to see someone is at least mildly sane here. The irony is that sources close to the process contend D'Antoni remains determined to go to Chicago as long as the Bulls assemble a quality offer. He’s actually still under contract to earn $4 million and $4.5 million in the final two seasons of his Suns deal but selfishly refuses to resign because he wants the Suns to fire him so they’re on the hook to pay him the remainder of what they owe him and at the same time he can cash in a fat new deal as well. Props to TNT analyst Charles Barkley for pointing that hypocrisy by D’Antoni out. Conversely, zero props to D’Antoni for whoring himself out while he still has a job, refusing to do the right thing and quit if he doesn’t want to be in Phoenix anymore and making an ass out of himself. Even less props to the team that pays him $5-6 million a year to not get their team to the NBA Finals and consistently underachieve…..
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