- Criminal activity by Cincinnati Bengals players, the gift that just keeps on giving…and giving….and giving. It never stops giving, actually. Not even when the team makes a concerted effort to get rid of its more felonious members and targets players in the draft who are good character guys. No, that kind of commitment to crime is something you can’t stamp out, like a dogged, determined wildfire that just won't die. Assuring the continuation of what has become a tradition in Ohio’s Queen City is Bengals linebacker Ahmad Brooks, who has been hit with a charge of misdemeanor assault for allegedly striking a woman in an altercation last month.
A Burlington, Ky. woman has accused Brooks of punching her in the face last month. Brooks was ordered to appear June 6 in Boone District Court on a complaint filed this week by Destiny Rosich. Based on the complaint, prosecutors charged Brooks with fourth-degree assault, a misdemeanor that carries up to a year in prison. Rosich's complaint claims that Brooks got into a loud disagreement with one of her neighbors in nearby Florence on April 9. When she tried to intervene, Brooks punched her in the left eye, temporarily knocking her unconscious, the complaint said. Well done, Ahmad. You really hit the trifecta here. An assault charge, hitting a girl and violating your team’s (and the NFL’s) expressed policy against the very sort of knucklehead behavior you just engaged in. Really, it’s a solid effort and one that shouldn’t go unnoticed. Don’t let anyone change you, Ahmad. Even if it means risking being cut by your team and suspended by the NFL, you keep abusing women, my friend. Be true to yourself, don’t ever change….either that or pull your head out of your ass and realize how much you’re about to throw away if you don’t turn things around, but one or the other.
- So it isn’t just angry feminists in the United States who hate Barbie anymore. Now Iran, always lagging a decade or twenty behind the times in social and cultural issues, is going after the anatomically disproportioned doll, saying the tiny plastic toy as “destructive” cultural and social consequences when imported into a country. Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi (G.A.D.N. as his friends call him) penned an open letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi labeling Barbie and other Western toys as “dangers’ that need to be stopped. Yeah, because Barbie is what’s going to destroy your backwater, behind-the-times country, you tool. How about you all work on treating the real, living women in your country like actual human beings and then worry about a plastic toy doll that is anatomically out of whack. Barbie’s unnaturally huge chest, tiny hips, etc. aren’t exactly a grave danger to one of the most barbaric, uncivilized nations in all of the Middle East. Way to keep your priorities straight, Iran. Any time you’re on the same page as vigilant femi-Nazis here in the United States, it’s time to reconsider your position on an issue.
- Some observers might say that now-former LSU quarterback Ryan Perrilloux threw away his football career at a perennial national power. I have to disagree with those people vehemently. Oh, it’s true that Perrilloux is no longer a Tiger because of his own actions, but he most definitely did not throw it away. Throwing it away would be having a bad attitude, getting bad grades, not being in good enough shape and never getting off the bench. What Perrilloux did could more aptly be described as dousing his career in gasoline, packing that mo-fo with C4 explosives, lighting a match and blowing the hell out of it, then running it over with a bulldozer to make sure it was dead. There’s just no other way you can describe a guy being given dozens of chances to turn his act around by a program the definitely needed his considerable talents and wasting every one of them. He was involved in a counterfeiting ring last year, not exactly standard fare for even the biggest college knucklehead. He was charged with using a fake ID while trying to gain access to a riverboat casino. He was consistently late for team meetings, didn’t go to class and had repeated run-ins with the law. He basically did everything he could to get kicked off the football team and he finally succeeded, with LSU coach Les Miles pushed to a point that even he couldn’t excuse Perrilloux’s actions any longer in the long-standing tradition of major college football coaches allowing their players to get away with most anything short of murder and still play. However, the offense that put Perrilloux over the top was a failed drug test, according to ESPN.com. That was pretty much all that was left for him anyhow, so maybe it’s good that he is gone from LSU. He’d done the counterfeiting thing, check….done the fake ID gig, check….missed classes and team meetings, check….the only one he may have missed was a nice assault and/or DUI, but no one’s perfect. Enjoy your career at whatever Division 1-AA school you transfer to and play at for a few months before getting suspended there as well, Ryan….
- Irony, thy name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre. You may remember Dupre as “Kristen,” the petite blonde hooker that former Gov. Eliot Spitzer used on repeated occasions for his sexual freakery while in our nation’s capital. For a girl who made her reputation off of taking it from strangers for money, Dupre seems awfully touchy about being seen on video getting after it and acting like a slut. She’s suing one of America’s most popular people to sue, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, for $10 million in a suit alleging that she never gave Francis and his company permission to use her name and likeness in videos. According to court papers filed by Dupre and her attorneys, she was 17 at the time these particular acts of skankiness took place in Miami Beach and thus was not of legal age to give said consent. The videos were shot in 2003, back before Dupre made her money by getting plowed by top politicians. At least she’s moving up in terms of being a whore and getting paid for it. Making $1,000 an hour as a call girl for some middle-aged politician is definitely higher on the ladder of slutty money making than appearing in a Girls Gone Wild video, so kudos on that, Ash….
- Oh no he didn’t…..oh wait, yes he did. W. tried yet another feeble, moronic ploy this week to shift blame from where it belongs (on his incompetent, IQ-deprived shoulders) and onto Congress when it comes to America’s flagging economy. Yes, our dollar might be worth less than the paper it’s printed on, gas and food prices might be soaring to unprecedented heights, jobs might be getting cut at an alarming rate and we might be spending tens of billions of dollars a month fighting an unnecessary, interminable war in Iraq, but how can you possibly blame that one the president? It’s not like he started that war or anything….damn, actually he did start it. Well, at least he didn’t reject a new economic stimulus package from Congress this week…damn, he did that too. For sure you can’t say that he led America into a series of disastrous political an economic decisions and then whined like a cranky toddler when Congress was hesitant to accept future suggestions from him…damn, he did that as well. Awfully convenient to suggest that we’d be better off listening to you this time around when your previous decisions have resulted in less success than Clear Pepsi, New Coke and your average Pauly Shore movie, W. What evidence do you have that you can even tie your own shoes, let along turn around a sagging economy? You claiming that you’ve sent Congress several proposals that would have turned around an economy being crushed by a mortgage crisis and student loan debacles only to see those proposals ignored or returned in the form of unacceptable alternatives is just cowardly bullsh*t. It’s like me claiming that I submitted a vaccine that cures cancer but the FDA ignored it. It sounds good and although I can’t actually prove the claim (because it’s a total falsification, just like your claims here), I can still pound my chest and say I did my part, so it’s not my fault. You, Mr. President, are a lying, deceiving, incompetent, moronic, stupid, inept idiot and our country is oh, so much worse for having suffered through your eight years in office, you ass clown. Now stop lying to us and get the frak out of the Oval Office so a competent person can sit in that chair.
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