- The “How To” murder book involving O.J. Simpson is a ship that has already sailed, but memorabilia dealer Mike Gilbert clearly did not get the memo. Either that or he got it and is such a lowlife sleazeball that he’s bent on making money for an absolute tragedy and miscarriage of justice to that point that he doesn’t care how much of a piece of crap he is in the process. The book, whose title I won't mention here so as to not give a slime ball like Gilbert any more attention but I will cite as containing words about helping the Juice get away with murder, includes claims that it was Gilbert who showed O.J. how to make his hands bloat so that the gloves alleged at trial to have been his would not fit and thus shoot a hole in the prosecution’s case. The Juice’s lawyer called Gilbert a liar and a drug addict, but a claim by anyone connected with O.J. about anyone’s character rings extremely hollow, so judge the truthiness and credibility of Gilbert’s musings on your own. As for his own character and integrity…..let’s just go ahead and agree that he has none of either quality and is just one rung above O.J. on the “piece of crap” list.
- “So how was your day at school, sweetie?” The answer to that question is usually a one or two-word mumble, but it isn't often that mom or dad can turn on the local evening news and find out for themselves what their kid was involved in at school that day. Even rarer is the day when a parent can find out about the 600-student brawl that broke out on the campus at their child’s school. But such is life at the troubled Locke High School in Los Angeles, a place where members of rival black and Hispanic gangs initiated a massive brawl last Friday that necessitated police in riot gear to quell it. The brawl got so far out of hand that school officials were forced to lock the entire facility down and keep students in their classrooms. Riot police at a high school, that’s pretty impressive. If by impressive you mean totally ridiculous, over the top and out of line, that is. If you can’t check your gang warfare at the door long enough to go to class, that doesn’t exactly portend a promising future for you. So while I usually love riots, this is one I’m going to have to give a thumbs down and a wag of the finger to….
- The season isn't going as planned for the Los Angeles Dodgers, having stumbled out of the gate to a 19-18 record despite high expectations coming into the year. Much of the blame is being directed at portly center fielder Andruw Jones, who signed a fat (pun intended) 2-year, $36 million contract in the offseason to leave Atlanta and bolster the Dodgers’ offense. As disappointing as the team’s start has been, Jones has been even more underwhelming through the first 37 games. He’s batting a robust .170 with X home runs and XX RBI. His defense has been well below average and a lot of people are pointing to his excess poundage as the reason for his struggles in the field and at the plate. He broke into the majors more than a decade ago as a 175-pound, sleek center fielder and is now patrolling the outfield in Chavez Ravine at a hefty 240 pounds. Being slower, fatiguing easier and losing the kind of mobility one loses when packing on that kind of weight would definitely seem to be a factor in a reduced quality of play, but Jones is taking issue with those poking fun at his weight. Actually, he’s taking issue with everyone who is ripping his play, saying in part that the fans “never played the game,” one of the all-time worst excuses given by athletes in any sport. “It (his weight) has nothing to do with it,” Jones protested in a recent interview. “All you can do is keep working. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. Nice try, Andruw. Clearly you’re not working, not on your conditioning anyhow. If you were, you would be playing at 220 lbs. or so instead of 240 lbs. You’d be looking like a professional athlete instead of some flabby 47-year-old guy in a rec league softball game. And while you might not like people pointing out how fat you are, your hurt feelings don’t mean that those people are wrong. Besides, what should really hurt your feelings is the knowledge that you have some of the best God-given baseball talent in recent memory and the ability to be one of the greatest defensive center fielders in the history of the game when healthy and in shape and you are throwing it away because you can’t put down the pizza, Ding-Dongs, Ho-Ho’s, cheesecake, breakfast burritos, Big Macs and chili cheese fries. My man, you need to stop lashing out at people who criticize your play and ask yourself if you have a problem with what they’re saying because it’s not true or simply because it hurts you feelings. Because let’s face it, you don’t need to have played professional baseball to see that you are fat, out of shape and playing a crappy center field.
- Now this is something I wish that the Florida Board of Tourism would put on its brochures, because people deciding where to go on vacation would definitely take notice. People want to know that what happened to Debbie Shoemaker of Toledo, Ohio on her Florida vacation could also happen to them. Shoemaker was out for a swim in the ocean off the coast of St. Petersburg last week when a pelican slammed its beak into her face while it was diving for fish. The bird was killed in the collision, while Shoemaker suffered a laceration that required 20 stitches to close. See, kamikaze pelicans are something tourists need to be aware of. If you’re informed, you can take the necessary precautions to ensure that if and when a suicidal fowl zeroes in on you during your swim, you are able to escape without harm. Instead of worrying about what SPF level your sun block contains, you can focus more on what sort of helmet and facemask to wear to the beach to ensure that when a crazy pelican dive bombs you, your face stays intact. Maybe it would even be possible to develop some sort of ratings system for beaches around the state, ranking them according to the probability of a pelican attack or the percentage of pelicans in the area with known kamikaze tendencies. I’ve got plenty more ideas, Florida Board of Tourism, all you need to do is ask.
- Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer…..right to the top of the list of the year’s biggest box office flops. The much-hyped film by those cross-dressing freaks the Wachowski brothers stumbled badly at the box office this past weekend, falling well short of expected earnings and even further behind the reigning box office champ Iron Man. With Robert Downey Jr. action flick grossing $50.5 in a second strong weekend, there wasn’t as much interest left for flicks like Speed Racer, which earned approximately $20.2 million. Depending on who you ask, that was either the second or third-best tally for the weekend, with the lame new comedy What Happens in Vegas jockeying for that second spot with around $20 million. Lamer still are the next two films on the list, two comedies that could be even less funny than Vegas - Made of Honor and Baby Mama. Exactly zero credit for any moron going to see Baby Mama at this point, because you’ve been more than sufficiently warned about what an utter piece of crap that film is. Unless you’re a member of Amy Pohler or Tina Fey’s immediate family, you shouldn’t be anywhere near a theater when that crap-fest plays. Even members of their families should be avoiding this movie to be honest, it’s that bad. In other words, it’s the very good Iron Man in first place, a disappointing animated action film in second and a cluster-f*ck of über-awful failed comedies in third through fifth places…
No comments:
Post a Comment