- Let’s just imagine for a moment that you’re an owner of a local insurance agency in a suburb for Charlotte, North Carolina (it’s exciting, I know, but try to remain calm). Now let’s imagine that the North Carolina Department of Insurance is sending out an investigator to audit your business. Maybe you have some things you’ve been doing, shady business practices, that you want to hide and don’t want the dreaded NCDI to find out what you’ve been up to. What do you do? How do you avert this impending crisis? If you answered “murder the investigator sent to audit your agency,” congratulations, you’re thinking just like the man that Charlotte police killed NCDI investigator Sallie Rohrbach when sent arrived to investigate his insurance agency. Rohrbach’s body was found in a wooded area south of Charlotte about one week after she went missing and police didn’t have to look far to find their prime suspect. Call me crazy, but I don’t think this guy is going to pass this audit. How the heck do you go from zero to murder that quickly anyhow? I get that no one likes to be audited and if you’re engaging in any illegal business practices you don’t want to be found out, but getting to the point where you murder someone to cover up your misdeeds is insane. Whatever it was you were looking to cover up wasn’t as bad as murder….at least I hope not. As always, hope possibly spending the rest of your life in jail or receiving the death penalty was worth it, idiot….
- I’ve come to hate the delays in the game during NFL contests in which instant replay is used, but longer, more boring games aside, Major League Baseball needs to implement replay in its game immediately. The practice could be kept to a limited number of plays, maybe even to one specific type of play: home run calls. Allowing umpires a chance to look at video to determine if a ball was fair or foul on a home run or if it struck something above and beyond the outfield fence before bouncing back onto the field would help reverse some of the more egregious errors MLB umpires have made just this week. Twice in games at Yankee Stadium, umpires have blown home run calls on plays where video would have clearly shown them they were wrong. In a Sunday night game between the Yankees and their cross-town rivals, the New York Mets, Mets first baseman Carlos Delgado slapped and opposite field shot that was hooking toward the left field foul line as it neared the fence. Just as the ball reached the foul pole, it caromed to the foul side of the line and into the stands. The umpires initially ruled it a home run but then conferred as reversed the call. Replays showed the ball deflecting off the bottom of the foul pole on a portion of the pole that was black instead of the yellow color covering nearly the entire pole. The fan who caught the ball showed it to a TV camera with a scuff mark on it and the camera also showed a white mark on the foul pole where the ball hit. But with no replay, the erroneous call stood. Then on Wednesday night, the Yankees were playing the Baltimore Orioles and Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez hit a long fly ball to right-center field that obviously hit off of some stairs above and beyond the fence. The ball came back onto the field of play and the umps ruled it to be in play instead of a home run, leaving A-Rod at second base with a double. Wrong call, but one that could have been corrected with a quick replay session. It’s time for MLB to stop resisting replay and allow it to be used on at least a minimal basis. Those who argue that human error on the part of umpires is just part of the game or that replay would slow games down…just shut your mouths. Guys having home runs ripped from them by inaccurate umpires is one tradition baseball can afford to lose.
- Everyone has their fetishes and freakery, that much we know. Just last week, a Canadian couple who like to carve one another with knives during sex were reunited following the lifting of a court order keeping them apart after the man in the relationship nearly died because of a stab wound to the chest inflicted by his girlfriend during sex. Little did any of us know that just over a week later, a story would come along that would make those two freaks look normal by comparison. According to a story published this week Edward Smith, 57, of Washington claims that has sex with cars. No, he doesn’t have sex in cars, according to Smith he has sex with cars. Smith says he has never been attracted to women, only to cars. Whoa there, buddy. That’s not just freaky and perverted, it’s as repulsive and deviant as any behavior I have ever, ever heard of. Smith claims to have had more than 1,000 lovers in his life, all of them cars and that he is what is clinically known as a mechaphile. “Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall, but when I see movies like Herbie and Night Rider, when cars become loveable, huggable characters, it’s wonderful. I prefer cars. I talk to them like they’re girlfriends. Cars are my preference.” No you didn’t….you did not just say you get turned on by movies like Herbie and Night Rider, you sick freak. No one should allegedly have first had sex with one of their cars at the age of 15. Does the car get charged for statutory rape in that case? And how old was the car? But back to Smith’s perverse obsession with cars in movies….nothing like turning to your friend at a movie to mention something about the action on the screen and noticing that the guy two seats down is….umm….getting a little too much enjoyment out of a scene with Kit or Herbie. According to Smith, he’s gotten after it with cars that belong to other people, not just his own, and has done so both at auto shows and on the street. “There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere, when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs some loving. There are times when I’ve waited until the middle of the night and just hugged and kissed them.” The story is so absurd and out there that you have to think (and hope) that Smith is making all of this up. Why a guy would make something this perverse up, I don’t know. By saying this stuff, you’re basically ensuring that anyone who hears it will want nothing to do with you and will keep themselves and their cars a safe distance from you at all times. But Ed Smith isn't concerned with people knowing he’s a mechpheliac; his main concern is that no one thinks he’s a homosexual. “I’m not gay,” Smith wants everyone to know. Good, because that would just be so repulsive when juxtaposed against your alleged sexing up of cars. After you admit to something like that, there’s pretty much nothing you can cop to that will make things worse. You could be found to be a cannibal, bank-robbing, drunk-driving arsonist and it’s still not going to make people think any less of you. Oh, and his freakery doesn’t end with cars. He claims that his most intense sexual experience was “making love to the helicopter from 1980s TV show Airwolf.” Furthermore, he’s currently “dating” Volkswagen Beetle called 'Vanilla' - appropriately painted in full Love Bug livery and he writes poems, sings songs and talks to his cars, whilst fervently denying any wrongdoing. And no, I don’t want to know the specifics of how Smith makes sweet lovin’ to cars, some things are better left unexplored…..
- Props to American Airlines for being the first airline to have the balls to rape travelers of even more money for things that should come for free with the exorbitant price of air travel. In a move that every other airline will wish they had possessed the testicular fortitude to institute first, AA will now charge travelers $15 for every bag they check. No, not for bags that are excessively heavy or beyond the allowed limit of pieces of luggage per customer - for every damn bag you check. What, it’s not enough that we fork over extra money for gawd-awful airplane food and booze, you want $15 for just checking a single bag? Who can travel without luggage? The answer would be no one, which basically means you’re squeezing an extra $15 out of every person who flies your airline. Heck, I’m going to resort to shrink-wrapping all of my clothes so I can jam them into a carryon bag and avoid paying this surcharge. And I can guarantee you that this horrible policy is going to lead to a lot of people trying to haul their impossibly large bags onto the plane and attempting to cram those bags into an overhead bin that’s several feet too small to accommodate them. I get that with rising fuel costs it’s tougher for you to turn the same massive profits you used to make, but why not try this reality on for size. Americans across the board are taking a hit from higher gas prices. Many businesses are making less money because of the higher gas costs, so you might just have to accept that you’re not going to have quite the same profit margins you did a couple of years ago. Perhaps your CEO will have to be happy with a $4 million annual salary bonus instead of an $8 million salary bonus this fiscal year. Just stop screwing over travelers with bogus fees for things you should be giving them for free. Either that or change your company name to BOHICA Airlines….you know, “Bend over, here it comes again”…..
- If it were up to me, Lou Pearlman would have been in jail more than a decade ago and he’d be serving a life sentence in the most brutal maximum-security prison in the country. That dude has done so much to absolutely wreck and pollute the music world with all of the man bands like O-Men Sync Boys of 98 Town that he put together and thrust upon the music-listening public that a life sentence in San Quentin wouldn’t be nearly harsh enough for him. Sadly, that kind of crime isn't punishable under our current legal system, so instead it will be guilty pleas on charges of conspiracy, money laundering and making false claims in bankruptcy court that do in the cherubic band manager. Pearlman was sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison for engineering a scheme that bilked thousands of investors out of their life savings over the course of two decades. That was the maximum sentence allowable for Pearlman after he pleaded guilty to ripping in excess of $300 million from investors in his company and also from banks since the 1980s. U.S. District Judge G. Kendall Sharp (ah, the first initial in front of your name, what pompous, blue-blooded legal professional doesn’t need that?) clearly has a sense of humor, as he promised to knock one month off of Pearlman’s sentence for every $1 million he repays of the money he stole. If he can pay back all $300 million, that would mean Pearlman could eliminate his jail time, but I’m guessing he has only a fraction that amount left. The question is, do you pay $10 million to lessen your jail time by 10 months or hang on to the money and spend the extra time in the can. With the way our judicial system works and the overcrowding problem in prisons, I’d hang onto the jack and bet on having the sentence shortened anyhow for good behavior. That doesn’t mean that I think Pearlman ever deserves to get out of prison, because clearly he doesn’t. At least with him behind bars, that’s one less idiot out there trying to put together the next “great” man band…..
- Something is getting lost in all of the Triple Crown talk following Big Brown’s win at the Preakness Stakes last Saturday. Yes, there is a horse with a legitimate shot to win horse racing’s three most prestigious races in a season for the first time since 1978. But in light of what happened to filly Eight Belles at the Kentucky Derby earlier this month, the bigger story is that we had a major horse race and all of the animals forced to run it in survived - for now. Nothing quite like having a Triple Crown race punctuated by the second-place finisher euthanized on the track, horse racing! Thankfully all of the competing ponies in the Belmont made it out relatively unscathed, so the track veterinarian didn’t have to run out and give any of them the needed before they could even get off the track. Congrats on that, horse racing, it’s quite an accomplishment to not have one of your competitors die on the field of play. While other (real) sports manage to have never had a single competitor put to sleep on the field, you manage to have it happen with alarming frequency. Yet another reason why you’re not a sport and why watching your little pony race is a huge, huge waste of time.
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