- Having something, anything in common with the plague that is American Karaoke is never a good thing, so I apologize in advance to Major League Baseball for what I’m about to do. Unfortunately, the non-stop, uber-annoying promos from Fox about its glorified karaoke contest with hack singers from around the country have provoked me to the point that I have to speak out. As horrific as AK is, what makes it so much worse is that Fox strings it out over three nights each week, thus maximizing the trauma to everyone in its path. I don’t watch the show under any circumstances, so I can’t really say what happens each night the show is on, except that one night a week they announce how many suckers, er, fans they’ve roped into paying to vote for the various karaoke-ers. Now I know you’re asking, “What does this have to do with MLB?” Allow me to explain. See, after its season ends each fall and the World Series wraps up, MLB then tries to be clever and keep itself in the sports spotlight for the maximum amount of time by announcing its various awards one per day for about two weeks straight. One day, it’s NL Rookie of the Year, AL Rookie of the Year the next day, AL Cy Young the day after that, so on. Are any of these awards compelling and important enough to justify their own day to be announced? Of course not. But MLB is looking to drag things out and keep the focus on them via any means possible, even if they end up looking like asses in the process. Well, everyone involved with AK already looks like a ginormous ass hat anyhow, so I doubt they have much guilt about foisting their crap-fest on America for three nights a week, three more than anyone should be subjected to. So keep fighting the good fight, fans of actual good music, and some day we’ll rid our world of the plight known as American Karaoke…..
- I don’t like doing this, but Palestinians have left me no choice. People, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it dozens of times: If you are going to stage a protest or riot, do it up right. If you vow to have a large-scale demonstration, you had damn well better have a large-scale demonstration. The Palestinians must have skipped that day in my Rioting 101 seminar, because they were supposed to hold a massive demonstration this week against the Israeli blockade of the Gaza Strip. Instead, only about 5,000 protestors showed up, much smaller of a crowd than was forecasted. The 5,000 who did show up didn’t do much, with their “major” action being to form a human chain. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a full-scale riot (looting, burning, property destruction, clashes with police), human chains fall in the range of a 2. You people clearly do not understand how to riot/protest, so you’re going to need to retake Rioting 101 if you want to keep your certification as official social dissidents.
- Is it too late to burn the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to the ground? I’ll volunteer to do it if no one else is willing, if for no other reason to prevent the single largest abortion of an induction ceremony any hall of fame has ever seen. For as long as Madonna’s induction to the R.R.H.O.F. has been public, I’ve vocally opposed it on the grounds that 1) She’s as un-rock and roll as it gets, 2) She’s a dirty slut, 3) Her music, whatever crappy genre you put it in, blows. However, the Material Skank’s induction took on a whole new level of absurdity this week with the news that the weasel-on-helium-voiced, former man bander known as Justin Timberlake will be inducting her. Yes, a dude who once frosted his lettuce, bleached his teeth and danced in unison with four other dudes while wearing matching outfits and lip-syncing badly will be inducting someone into the ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME. It would be like Miss Teen South Carolina Kaitlin Upton inducting W. into Mensa, or Richard Simmons inducting Rosie O’Donnell into the Baseball Hall of Fame - it makes no sense on any level. This whole atrocity will take place March 10 at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in Manhattan. Maybe if we pool our money together we can buy the hotel and tear it down before then……
- Never let it be said that the European Union’s top judicial arm is not focused on the truly important issues in the world, namely cheese. Before the EU Court a couple of days ago was the issue of what cheese(s) could legally lay claim to the name Parmesan. The court decided that only the dry, crumbly cheese made in and around the city of Parma for more than 800 years can officially be billed as Parmesan cheese. the specific case before the court began in 2003 and centered on Germany allowing the sale of cheeses that were allegedly Parmesan but were produced in Germany. The Germans argued that Parmesan was a generic name for a type of cheese, but the court disagreed, for whatever that’s worth. Look, I get the fact that you people don’t have the same problems as America, with the value of your currency in the crapper and your leader starting and sustaining unjustified wars that make the rest of the world hate you, but is this really the most legitimate use of your time? Can’t you focus on issues like the death penalty, traffic laws or even whether you have the legal right to force French people to bathe regularly? Cheese justice just doesn’t seem to cut it…..
- That Gordon Brown, what a square. The Prime Minister of England struck a three-fold blow to debauchery and wild living Wednesday when he scrapped plans for Britain’s first Las Vegas-style casino, proposed a rollback of laws allowing round-the-clock drinking and suggested enacting tougher drug laws. Brown’s predecessor Tony Blair had approved plans for the casino in a downtrodden area of Manchester as a way to boost the economy there, but Gordon Brown is clearly no fan of fun. Not only does he not want gambling, he wants to keep his people from their favorite pastime, drinking, and he wants to crack down on drug usage? My man Gordon, relax. Dude, you’re taking this whole “political leader” thing too seriously. If people want to gamble away their life savings, get hammered 24/7 and smoke the hippie lettuce, just let them. To paraphrase Bob Knight, if debauchery is inevitable, why not just sit back and enjoy it? What’s next, are you going to forbid Brits from rioting at soccer games if their team loses? Gordon Brown, you are no friend of the common Brit, that’s for sure.
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