- If only someone had been able to see this coming....an aging, controversial slugger with bad knees, all sorts of baggage, no defensive ability, a ginormous ego and a federal perjury investigation hanging over his head is having a hard time finding a team to play for this baseball season. Yes folks, Bar-roid Bonds’ is feeling unwanted because not a single team has stepped up to sign the free agent outfielder with a head the same size as most planets. His agent, Jeff Borris, says the ex-Giants slugger “is in game shape right now.” Borris added, “The only thing he hasn't done is face live pitching. He's doing all the baseball drills he normally does as he works to get in shape for spring training. His legs are as solid as ever.” Why could Bonds be without a team? Well, the Giants let Bonds go after his record-breaking 2007 season, deciding to go with youth and ending the slugger's 15-year run as the starting left fielder, but also a clubhouse distraction and point of constant controversy. While Bonds had 28 home runs and a .480 on-base percentage in 340 at-bats last season, he will turn 44 in July and has played the last few seasons with a balky right knee. He had his own personal compound in one corner of the locker room, complete with a leather recliner and flat screen TV. Former teammate Barry Zito recently said the team is much better off without Bonds because people are more free to be themselves. And oh yeah, Bar-roid also faces a federal indictment on multiple counts of perjury and obstruction of justice, stemming from his testimony in the BALCO investigation. His agent can argue that he’s in great shape, but great shape for a 44-year-old with bad knees, a pending federal indictment and reputation as an egomaniac who divides clubhouses is a different animal. Giants’ owner Peter Magowan summed it up best: “He has the statistics that would indicate he can still play,” Magowan said. “[But] it's not up to me to get him hired someplace. It's not my job.” In other words, the team he’s played the bulk of his career with can’t stand him anymore and he has far too much baggage for anyone else to sign him either. Sorry, Bar-roid, but you did this to yourself.
- If there’s a bigger waste of judicial time and resources than investigating a mythical conspiracy in a car accident that happened 11 years ago, I can’t think of it. It continues to be incredibly moronic that the coroner’s inquest into what the Mohamed Al Fayed insists is a dark conspiracy involving nearly every member of the British royal family to kill his son and Princess Diana rages on. This dude is wealthy enough to be financing this entire mess with money from under his sofa cushions and he really should be paying for it because it’s a ginormous waste of time. Fayed alleges that the royal family wouldn’t accept their princess marrying a Muslim man and thus engineered the fatal crash that took both their lives. His lame theory insists that Prince Charles, former Prime Minister Tony Blair and Prince Philip were all involved in the plot. Sure thing, Mohamed. Which of them was on the grassy knoll and fired the rifle? Were there UFO’s involved? What about aliens? Was Jimmy Hoffa in on this somehow? Were he and Elvis passengers in a car that ran Diana and your son off the road that night? Seriously dude, I know the pain of losing your son is never going to go away, but you need to stop searching for some massive conspiracy so you can pin blame on someone else. It was an accident, and yes there was some negligence involved, but no one plotted to make it happen you your delusional self needs to own up to that fact.
- Wisconsin has a case of B.O. and I couldn’t be prouder of you Wisconsonians. Yesterday Wisconsin voters handed Barack Obama his ninth straight primary win, further widening his narrow lead over Sen. Hank Clinton in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. Obama won by a wide margin in a win that further decimated a Clinton campaign that had been the frontrunner for much of the race. Even Hank’s main base of support in Wisconsin, white women, split evenly between Hank and Obama. In typical Hank fashion, a campaigning Clinton made no mention of that defeat at a rally in Youngstown, Ohio. You do have to hand it that Hank. That dude is doing a great job of pretending like the race isn’t going the wrong way in a hurry. The big primaries still on the schedule are Ohio and Texas on March 4, but hopefully Obama’s momentum will carry him to victory in both of those places where Hank Clinton had previously been in the lead. After all, Hank had previously had control over the whole race and now that’s changed, so why not her standing in Ohio and Texas? C’mon, America, B.O. is sweeping the nation and you need to catch the fever....
- Spring Training has barely started for Major League Baseball, but the scoreboard already reads: Sliding Glass Doors 1, Players 0. In the case of Player v. Door I, Houston Astros outfielder Hunter Pence came out the loser. Pence will miss about a week of workouts because he accidentally walked through a sliding glass door Monday night at his spring-training apartment. He suffered cuts on his left knee and the base of his right index finger. “It’s embarrassing, but I'm not one to get embarrassed," Pence said. Oh no, bro, you need to be embarrassed about this one. Jay Witasick injuring his elbow throwing out a trash bag full of watermelon remains during spring training several years ago thinks you need to be embarrassed. As Pence tells the story, about 10 p.m. Monday, he and a female friend were outside on his apartment's deck. I assume alcohol was involved because of what happened next, and you’ll probably draw the same conclusion. Pence said he decided to go back inside and into the bathroom before he returned to get into a hot tub.
Then he found out his friend had closed the door, which he discovered by walking into it. “It’s pretty silly to have this kind of freak accident happen, but I didn't think I would go through a glass door," Pence said. "Normally it wouldn't shatter like that, but somehow it shattered and I was stuck in the middle of a bunch of broken glass.” Hmm, wonder if he’ll get a second date? After all, if you send a dude to the hospital with all sorts of cuts and bleeding, the least you can do is go out with him again - after he ups his insurance coverage. Not a good start to the spring for the Astros, a team that floundered badly last year, mostly because of an inability to score runs. Pence, 24, is considered one of baseball's best young players. He hit .322 with 17 home runs and 69 runs batted in as a rookie last season, so they need his bat in the lineup, especially given the fact that their big off-season acquisition, shortstop Miguel Tejada, is a confirmed ‘roider who (probably) will never be the same without his, um, performance enhancers. Steer clear of doors for a while, Hunter, and next tiem stay in the hot tub with your lady friend.
- It pains me to have to do this, but on behalf of my alma mater, I am hereby revoking the degree of former University of Akron Zip Jason Taylor. And no, it had nothing to do with Taylor’s team, the Miami Dolphins, going 1-15 this past season and ripping my heart out by losing their first 13 games only to rip my heart out in Week 15 by inexplicably trying and winning against the Baltimore Ravens when the reverse perfect season was within reach. Nor does it have to do with Taylor than acting like he wasn’t a member of the worst team in NFL history and refusing to take part in the Pro Bowl because of an alleged injury. No, this is for something far worse. Taylor has gone over to the dark side, agreeing to appear on the next season of Dnacing With the (D-List) Stars. I really don’t know what other losers will be appearing this season, so don’t ask. One, I don’t care enough to find out, and two, after hearing Taylor will be associated with this glorified chick flick on network TV, I blacked out and just came to. What, the embarrassment of playing on the worst team in the history of your sport, a team led at quarterback by the immortal Cleo Lemon, wasn’t enough? you need to further forfeit any remaining masculinity and dude points by going on a show so incredibly lame and gay that even Richard Simmons thinks it’s sad? You and I clearly did not go to the same college, J. Our degrees may say that we went to the same school, but as of now, your degree is no longer valid, my man. I don’t even know you any more.....
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