- Regardless of who’s in the Oval Office or which party controls Congress, bribery makes the political world go ‘round. Keeping that spirit of bribery alive and well is hard work, especially given the fact that some people out there in our country inexplicably seem intent on find, prosecuting and putting behind bars people who engage in bribery. Like you, I’m mystified when good citizens like defense contractor Brent Wilkes are put in prison. Wilkes was sentenced to 12 years in federal prison this week for bribing former Rep. Randy Cunningham with cash, trips, hookers and other gifts in exchange for nearly $90 million in Pentagon work. Wilkes was convicted on 13 counts of bribery, conspiracy and wire fraud. And why? For chasing the American dream of becoming wealthy? For hooking up his local congressman with some extra spending money, a much-needed vacation or ten and some hookers? Who among us hasn’t given our senator or representative a hooker as a gift? How many of you haven’t taken one of your state’s two U.S. senators on a tropical vacation to the Bahamas or on a fishing trip? There are a lot of times when I just don’t get the American judicial system and this is one of those times. Enjoy your stint in that cushy federal prison, Brent, I’m sure you’ll serve less than a third of your sentence anyhow....
- It really is heartwarming to see that Indiana University basketball players aren’t going to leave their coach hanging in his acts of stupidity. Kelvin Sampson may have proved he’s an unscrupulous moron by committing the very same rules violations at Indiana that he committed at the University of Oklahoma and was heavily sanctioned by the NCAA for, but his players have proved that as dumb as their coach can be, they can be just as stupid. With the school preparing to announce Sampson’s fate as IU coach amid rumors that he has committed at least five new violations of NCAA rules by making hundreds of illegal phone calls to recruits, IU athletic director Rick Greenspan met with the men’s basketball team to inform them about what’s going on and to get their input. Needless to say that some players were very unhappy about the news that their coach was going to be suspended and/or fired. According to an anonymous source, one player told Greenspan, “We don’t care what you do, but if Sampson ain’t coaching, then we ain’t playing.” This statement is moronic on two fronts, which is quite an accomplishment. First, this player, whoever he is, manages to trample all over the English language in a way rarely seen this side of W. or Mike Tyson. How you can be accepted into any college or university when that’s your way of speaking is amazing. But secondly, and more moronically, you’re telling me that you’re throwing away your basketball career for a guy who has now broken the rules twice and is willing to lie to anyone he has to lie to in order to get what he wants? You really think a guy that dishonest is never going to lie to you? The seniors on the team would be especially ill-served by quitting because this is their last go around, period. If they quit, their basketball career is over and they are forever branded quitters. Anyone in that locker room thinking about quitting because Sampson is no longer coaching the team needs to think again. My guess is that this is just the normal, emotional response from guys backed into a corner and that once these players have a chance to think things through, as mad as they may be, they’re not quitting. Then again, anyone dimwitted enough to use the word “ain’t” twice in one sentence just might be enough of an idiot to quit.....
- Oh, so close. A Las Vegas man thought he had made a rare find, a poster-size photo of Marilyn Monroe posing nude as a hitchhiker, stored in belongings at his home that he was sorting through. Lawrence Nicastro, 73, believed that the picture, which shows a blond woman posing in nothing more than heels and a handbag and clutching a cigarette, was left by a customer at his service station in the Bronx in 1962. Nicastro and his wife spent time and effort researching the photo and even called in Chris Harris, a publicist and Monroe expert, for help in verifying their find. Even Harris was initially fooled by the identity of the woman in the picture, but as he and the Nicastros prepared a press conference to announce their find (and I’m sure the Nicastros hoped it would land them a sizeable chunk of change), someone who got a look at the picture let them in on a little secret: the photo was actually from a more modern slut, Madonna. It appeared in her 1992 book, officially titled Sex, but which should have been titled I’m a Whore and a Musical Hack: The Early Years. The book of risqué pictures contained the image Nicastro had a copy of, so he’ll have to find fame and fortune some other way.
- I like your thinking, Michael Moore. That statement could encompass so much since Moore has been such a vocal critic of our Idiot in Chief W., but on this particular occasion it refers to Moore’s comments that he should bring newly-retired Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to the Oscars with him on Sunday. Castro just stepped down earlier this week due to health and other concerns and since Moore’s most recent film Sicko shows Moore taking sick American citizens to Cuba and receiving first-class health care that was denied to them in the U.S., Moore says maybe he should bring the island nation’s former leader to the Oscars with him. “I got some great news today because I was trying to figure out how I was going to get Castro into the Oscars and for me. he resigns today so he can come to L.A. and go as my guest and perhaps give the acceptance speech,” Moore said Wednesday. “I’m telling you, that’s a ratings grabber.” I applaud your thinking, Mike, but not because I support Communism or Castro. I just loathe these self-congratulatory schmooze-fest awards shows where rich, famous people kiss each other’s a**. Having Castro there with his ratty, dictator beard and wearing those ugly green fatigues would be awesome if for no other reason than to make a mockery of the Oscars. Who wouldn’t love to see Castro wedged in between Tom Hanks and Martin Scorscese, both of them wearing their black tuxedos, looking at horror in the fatigue-clad former dictator sitting next to them? Who doesn’t want to see Fidel’s reaction as Clint Eastwood or the director of Juno accepts their Oscar? It can’t make the show any worse, that’s for sure. Heck, maybe you can even employ Castro as the bouncer to remove people from stage when their acceptance speeches go to long. Y’know, have them taken into captivity and tortured just like he used to do to dissidents back when he was running Cuba. That’s sure speed things up. So bring on Fidel and I might actually consider watching the Oscars this year.....
- We have a very special offer for you today: 2-for-1 pricing on protests and riots. Yes, the Riot Watch is back with a double dose of dissident goodness. First we go to Armenia, where thousands of angry opposition protestors took to the streets to speak out against Prime Minister Serge Sarkisian’s victory in the country’s presidential election. Not surprisingly, the opposition groups in Armenia are questioning the fairness and legitimacy of the election, always a go-to move when your candidate doesn’t win. The protestors marched through the streets of the nation’s capital and made themselves heard. However, they didn’t make themselves heard nearly as loudly as a mob of 2,000 people in Brazil who went medieval in opposing federal agents seeking to crack down on illegal Amazon logging. Many of the rioters work in log mills in the affected area, so their motivation for opposing the logging restrictions is obviously saving their own hides. As a result, they burned tires, blocked roads and attacked the agents themselves. Let’s see....burning things, check....property destruction, check.....blocking roads, check.....physical attacks on The Man, check. I think the only things we’re missing here for a truly epic protest are the use of tear gas, water cannons and clubs by the police. But other than that, a solid effort by the Brazilians, I’d score it an 8.4 on the Riot-O-Meter. A great day for rioting around the world, though, props to my Brazilian and Armenian riot brothers.....
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