- You may have seen by now that the fallout from the New England Cheat-riots and the Spygate scandal is reaching absurd proportions. The chicanery and theatrics of Sen. Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania calling NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to Capitol Hill to testify about the league’s handling of the scandal and materials generated by it was ridiculous enough, if for no other reason than Congress has no business in the matter and it’s a waste of time and taxpayer dollars to do so. But now the absurdity has risen to a whole new level with news that some former St. Louis Rams players who were on the losing end of Super Bowl in 2002 in which the Cheat-riots are alleged to have violated every conceivable NFL rule and statute possible by illegally filming the Rams’ final walk-through before the game, a practice in which the Rams went over very specific information that would have given New England and coach Bill Beli-cheat a huge advantage, have decided that they should sue Beli-cheat and the Pats for $100 million. In the suit, Willie Gary and his former teammates claim that New England and coach Bill Belichick illegally videotaped the practice before the championship game to gain an unfair advantage, according to the lawsuit filed today in U.S. District Court in New Orleans. The Patriots upset the Rams 20-17 on a last-second field goal in the National Football League championship game. Gary, who played on the Rams' Super Bowl team, wants each of his teammates to receive $25,000 to make up for the difference between the bonuses paid to the winning and losing teams. He also wants compensation for not receiving a Super Bowl ring, which is valued at $125,000, the paper said, citing the lawsuit. A ticket broker who attended the game is asking the court to grant the 72,922 people who attended the game a full refund for the $400 tickets. Look Willie, I hate the Cheat-riots as much as anyone, probably more, but you can’t expect to win this lawsuit. You can’t award a Super Bowl fortune and the accompanying fame based on supposition. What might have happened if Beli-cheat hadn’t cheated? No one knows, nor will we ever know. The best result if it could be proved that they did would be for the title to be vacated, meaning no one would have it. The Pats might not have earned it, but neither did you. Stop trying to get paid and looking for another moment in the sun, loser.
- America, this is what happens when you encourage ambitious, effeminate, man-blouse wearing losers with no talent. Ryan Seacrest has been allowed to operate under the false pretense that he’s important, talented, relevant and worth our time as a part of the abomination that is American Karaoke. He’s been allowed to parade around a stage in his man-blouses with his frosted tips and over-bleached teeth and now he’s gotten even further out of hand. As head of Ryan Seacrest Productions (company motto: The man-blouse revolution has begun!), this tool has green-lighted a show that will air on E! this summer about that über-fascinating topic that should provoke all of two seconds of interest from even the most IQ-depraved viewer: the life of Denise Richards. Yes, the woman who gave the least convincing portrayal of a nuclear physicist (Dr. Christmas Jones? Seriously, that was the best you could do for a name) in one of the more recent James Bond films has “earned” her own reality show. The show will follow Richards as she “navigates Hollywood, motherhood and romance.” Look, Sea-dork, I know the bar has been set pretty low, what with Scott Baio, Flavor Flav AND Bret Michaels getting their own reality shows, but you’re plumbing new depths here. Richards is less interesting than the carpet lint in the corner of my living room, and even in the hands of a capable, talented producer, a show about her would....um....blow. But with you, Sea-dork, in charge, it’s going to give a whole new meaning to the statement, “This show sucks.”
- How very W. of you, Mr. President. In a fashion that you have to expect from the single dumbest leader in the free world, our Ass Hat in Chief has decided that now would be a good time to weigh in on the issue of lynching and the use of images of nooses in the media, nearly two months after everyone else discussed the heck out of the issue and then moved on. The debate came after Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman used the idea of lynching Tiger Woods as the only way for other PGA golfers to defeat Woods, but she clearly meant it as a joke, apologized for saying it and accepted her punishment (a two-week suspension) from the Golf Channel. Woods, a friend of Tilghman’s, accepted her apology, but it didn’t end there. Golfweek magazine ran a cover story on the issue just as it was dying down and used the image of a noose on the cover to create controversy. That it did, getting the editor for the mag fired. But since then, we’ve all moved on. As always, though, W. took a lot longer to process and comprehend and thus he’s just now getting around to making a statement. “The era of rampant lynching is a shameful chapter in American history,” W. said in a statement clearly written by someone else, what with its multi-syllabic words and all. Yeah, thanks for the input W., we all reached that conclusion a long time ago. But I suppose that when starting, sustaining and propagating unnecessary, absurd wars in foreign nations to protect oil interests, er, find imaginary weapons of mass destruction, er, bring democracy to people who didn’t ask for our help, it’s tough to stay on top of every issue.
- Don’t plan pn driving your Hummer through London come this fall unless you want to fork over a substantial fee to the government. London Mayor Ken Livingstone announced this week that starting Oct. 27, drivers of cars that the government deems “gas guzzlers” will have to pay an extra $50 fee to enter central London, while drivers of fuel-efficient cars will not have to pay any sort of fee. On one hand, it sucks to have the government discriminate against people just because of the kind of car they drive, but gas-guzzling monstrosities are a huge factor in ruining our environment and if something like this can help reduce pollution and environmental damage from vehicles, then so be it. Too many a-holes in freaking ginormous SUV’s have run afoul of me on the road by spilling over into my lane, blocking my path and generally being a menace with cars twice the size of most vehicles and this being a danger in any wreck for me to take their side in this argument. You don’t need a vehicle that size, it’s either a crutch to compensate for your weakness or you think it’s a status symbol. Either way, prepare to pay up if you think you’re going to be driving your oversized hunk of metal into central London.....
- Now this is the kind of doctor you want to go to....assuming you’re trying to cover up your involvement in a serious crime. Dr. Jose Covarrubias, a Nogales, Ariz. plastic surgeon, has been sentenced to 18 months in prison after pleading guilty to a federal charge of harboring a fugitive and concealing a fugitive. What did he do, you ask? Well, the good doctor, who lived in the border town of Nogales but practiced in Mexico (hmm, how could this possibly go wrong?) replaced the fingerprints of a man involved with a drug ring with skin from the bottom of the man’s feet in an attempt to conceal his identity. Police say this drug ring moved cash and drugs from Tucson and elsewhere and distributed them throughout central Pennsylvania, which seems to make no sense geographically, but then again I haven’t really kept up with the regional territorial politics of drug distribution as of late. Kudos on the creative attempt to help your client, doctor, but maybe you should have stuck to giving fake racks to women, pounding out bumps in their noses and pumping people’s lips full of collagen....
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