- Tobacco, the universe’s biggest balancer of global population. If not for the wonder that is tobacco and the addictive-but-deadly products proffered by Big Tobacco, 100 million deaths in the 20th century and an estimated 1 billion more in the 21st century would have occurred in much more natural and timely fashions, it seems. According to a new report published by the World Health Organization, that’s how many people have died due to tobacco usage in those times periods. Now it may be true that if they didn’t die via choking down stogies or cancer sticks, they would have died via other means. But I’d say it’s safe to figure that a large percentage of them would have lived much longer and died in much less painful, agonizing fashion than the cancers and various lung ailments that took them down because they were smokers. So thanks for that, Big Tobacco, if not for you, hundreds of millions of people would not have died prematurely and when they did die, it would have been a lot less painful. You suck, tobacco companies, I wish you all could experience just a fraction of the pain you’ve inflicted on the world with your deadly products…
- Welcome to the 21st century, Nebraska. The children of the corn finally made leap forward in their justice system when the Nebraska Supreme Court ruled yesterday that electrocution is cruel and unusual punishment, a big blow for what had been the only state in the union that still used the electric chair as its sole means of execution. Because of this new ruling, the Legislature must not approve a new law establishing a different method of execution, ideally one a tad less barbaric. So no, Nebraskans, guillotine and firing squad are not acceptable alternatives, nor is feeding someone so much biscuits and gravy that he or she dies from an exploding stomach. You may want to familiarize yourselves with a little something the rest of us call lethal injection, which is…never mind, I don’t have the time to explain. I’m just glad that even though the death penalty is still a bad idea, Nebraska will have to stop using one of its more rudimentary, barbaric methods as its means of killing criminals.
- College sports are notorious for inciting exuberant, over-the-top, juvenile reactions from players, fans, etc. People tear down goalposts after big wins, the loot, burn and riot when their team wins a national championship and they like to down a beer or eight and act like an idiot after winning a big game. I really don’t have a problem with any of that, because if you can’t let loose and enjoy life’s great moments, then you’re going to be miserable. Having said that, you don’t usually see teams engaging in hijinks after a win against their biggest rivals while being led by their coach. The University North Carolina women's team found itself in this unusual spot after they beat archrival Duke, 93-76. How to celebrate a big win, how to celebrate…I know! Why not hurl rolls of toilet paper out of the team bus? That’s exactly what some of the Tar Heels players did, throwing toilet paper out of the team bus and onto a tree on Chapel Hill's Franklin Street. One of the TP hurlers was head coach Sylvia Hatchell, who told the bus driver to stop at the tree so she and the Lady Heels could engage in their two-ply shenanigans. Fans spilled out of bars to watch everyone was enjoying themselves until The Man had to step in. A tool in a Chapel Hill police car pulled up and issued Coach Hatchell a verbal warning for littering and asked her to pick up the mess. After the discussion, Hatchell got back on the bus and put her hands behind her head to mock being arrested ... which was met with laughter from her players. Hatchell said in a telephone interview she was surprised to receive a warning, considering the excessive celebration that occurs after the men's team wins at Duke. Yeah, clearly this is a major misstep, the travesty of throwing rolls of toilet paper out onto a street. Something tells me that if the same police officer walked fifty feet in either direction, he could have found underage kids in those same bars drinking. But go ahead and bust the basketball coach for this small-time stunt, you ass hat. It’s too bad that the Chapel Hill police didn’t factor the cost of buying a sense of humor for their officers into the budget for this fiscal year, because clearly there’s at least one officer who needs to lighten up.
- For those of you planning a Vegas run, here’s some info you’ll want to consider. First, you may want to scrap the trip depending on how much you value not having your ears assaulted with one of the most gawd-awful voices ever. Second, if you just can’t postpone the trip and you have to go now, i.e. it’s your buddy’s bachelor party or something like that, be advised that you’re not going to want to be staying at Caesars Palace. Why, you ask? Is there some sort of structural problem at the facility? No. Is there a security problem that will compromise the safety of guests? Not exactly. Something far more sinister and terrible is in play: the music of Cher. This woman’s voice is enough to make even the most rugged terrorism suspect break and confess, but Caesars is bringing the favorite singer of drag queens everywhere in for a 3-year, 200-show run beginning May 6. “I started in Vegas at Caesars, so I’ve come full circle,” Cher said in a statement. Yes you have, C. Your music sucked then and it still sucks now, so you have indeed come full circle. On the upside, her reign of terror, er, run of shows doesn’t begin until May, so you do have three months left to cram in one last trip to Caesars before then. I’m just giving you fair warning because of all the things to ruin your Vegas trip - money lost, bad food, fight in a club - the music of Cher is possibly the most devastating and hardest to recover from. Plan accordingly…..
- MSNBC talking head David Shuster, you are my new hero. Shuster’s comments about how Sen. Hank Clinton’s campaign has “pimped out” daughter Chelsea by having her place calls on behalf of her mother to Democratic Party superdelegates have resulted in truly magical consequences for people in my little corner of the world. A livid Hank (and really, when is Hank not angry or at least looking really pissed off?) has vowed not to compete in upcoming debates on the cable network, including one in my neck of the woods, the Cleveland debate. “I, at this point, can’t envision a scenario where we would continue to engage in debates on that network,” Hank’s spokesman said. Good job, D. Shuster. You’ve kept Hank and the angry, femi-Nazi vitriol that dude spouts from coming to my area of the country. I feel safer already and I have you to thank. As for Hank’s indignation….lighten up, Hank. Pimpin’ ain’t easy, I know. But if weren’t old and really out of touch, you’d know that the word has become much more mainstream and doesn’t have nearly the tawdry, sordid connotation it had when you were younger. Chill out, relax and oh yeah, prepare for the beatdown Barack Obama is about to lay down on your candy a**……..
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