- So we’ve crowned a new Miss America, and I’d really like to care….but I don’t. Even though she’s a smoking hot 19-year-old blonde from Michigan, I just can’t bring myself to care about Kirsten Haglund and her title reign. I wish her best of luck in campaigning against eating disorders, which she promised to do during her pageant speech, but just don’t count on me paying attention to that campaign. Now if you want to booze it up and make out with Miss Teen USA in a Manhattan club, then count me in. Whenever your revealing, skanky pictures that just mysteriously pop up online from an anonymous source come out, maybe I’ll check them out. But other than that, beauty pageants are so out of touch and irrelevant that no one pays attention to them other than people who are, well, in the beauty pageant business. Even with the four-week reality series on TLC following pageant contestants trying to update the event’s outdated image, there’s just no saving this albatross. Enjoy the win, have fun traveling the world and staying in expensive hotels on Donald Trump’s dime, but just realize that you’re totally irrelevant.
- With TV shows on hiatus during the writers’ strike, we’re left with Butt-Gate. Yes, we’re actually seeing the Federal Communications Commission going all the way back to a 2003 episode of NYPD Blue and fining 50 ABC affiliates nationwide $27,500 for airing an episode of the popular crime drama in which viewers saw what the commission called “a full view of (a woman’s) buttocks.” The FCC claims it received numerous complaints about the episode, which is lame because there’s a certain percentage of people out there who b*tch and moan about anything and everything just for the sake of complaining. ABC’s contention is that the buttocks are not a “sexual organ,” and thus showing them doesn’t violate FCC rules. The episode wouldn’t have been a problem except for the fact that it aired between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m., which is a no-no for anything to prudes at the FCC deem to be sexually inappropriate material. The stations that ran the episode are in the Central and Mountain time zones, so if you’re on either coast you didn’t see the offending episode. See, this is what you get when you’re airing reruns and trying to fill air time during a strike. Just another wonderful side benefit of the strike we can enjoy. Thanks for that one, writers and networks, you all are just giving us one ginormous headache after another.
- Why is it that the worst musical acts of the 1990s are the ones who are now staging reunions. Well, other than the fact that these talentless loser hacks need money and are finding that as irrelevant and pathetic as they were during their careers, they’re even more so now. First, the Spice Skanks, er, Girls, get back together for a cash grab and put together an album with their old “hits’ (Spice Girls and hits in ther same sentence, the ultimate oxymoron) with a couple of new tracks and trying to sucker Victoria’s Secret patrons into buying it, but now it’s an even more musically inept group, the New Kids On the Block. Yes, the pieces of crap who were on every sleeping bag, lunch box and trapper keeper when you were in elementary school and tried to reform once before and conceal their real identity by going with the name N.K.O.T.B. (good one, idiots, no one was going to figure that out!) are allegedly attempting another comeback. Jordan and Jon Knight, Joey McIntyre, Donnie Wahlberg and Danny Wood are trying to revive something that was never alive to begin with, attempting to create buzz by a slow resurrection of their website, nkotb.com. Just when Mark Wahlberg was finally doing something to erase the shame that little bro Donnie did to the Wahlberg family name with the first incarnation of this poseur man-band act, Donnie is back with his fellow man-banders to undo it. There’s still time to prevent this travesty from happening, y’all. We need to organize and rally quickly, because if there’s one thing none of us needs right now, it’s another bunch of man banders parading around in matching outfits and knocking out synchronized dance moves with their frosted hair bobbing in unison.
- Tow straight days, two tales of protests, this one involving angry Russians clashing with police. While I’m sure that a healthy amount of vodka fueled the skirmish, I just don’t care, as long as there’s anti-authority violence going on. This particular violent outburst involved demonstrators angry with the leadership of Ingushetia, leading them to throw rocks and firebombs (firebombs? Awesome, Russians, just awesome!) at police. The impetus for the riot was the government’s starting of a major security operation in the troubled southern Russian region. The militant response from the citizens led police to fire live rounds into the air above the heads of more than 300 protestors who had gathered in the central square in the town of Nazran. Only 300 people, but still enough of an opposition movement to muster up some firebombs and hurl rocks at the police, that is sweet. Let that be a lesson to all of your aspiring social and political dissident out there: you don’t need massive numbers as long as you have firebombs. Props to you, Russian demonstrators, for not letting The Man hold you down!
- Glad to see your movie standards are still set nice and low, America. You proved as much by making a lame, hack-job of a sad-sack comedy like Meet the Spartans the top film at the box office this past weekend. Yes, the film’s modest take of $18.7 million isn’t going to be setting any records, but that’s beside the point. If that’s the movie most Americans prefer to go see, then I feel genuinely sad for this country. When Rambo, the latest incarnation of the retread action franchise starring Sly Stallone (seriously, can this guy do anything but churn out sequels of tired action film franchises that were dead in the ‘80s?) is the second highest-earning movie and it’s actually the better of the two choices at the top of the earnings list, that doesn’t say good things either. C’mon, America, it’s a new year and a chance to start fresh and stop patronizing sucky movies that shouldn’t have been made to begin with. We can do this, we can stamp out crap from our theaters, but we need to come together and take a stand…..
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