The EU knows what makes you fat, I know who not to attack when rioting and AirTran doesn't know what it's doing

- Whoopsie! You might remember that not so long ago, a hazardous and highly dangerous industrial chemical found its way into some pet food and forced a massive recall of the product. It turns out that the very same chemical also was used by a Toledo company that manufactures ingredients for feeding livestock, fish and shrimp. Thus, your recent trip to the local seafood restaurant just took on a slightly dangerous tint. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced that Tembec BTLSR Inc.’s use of the chemical melamine was the first known time that a U.S. company had used this particular ingredient in animal feed. Fortunately, it doesn’t pose a major health threat to anyone who ate meat from an animal fed the contaminated food, but it is comforting to know that the regulatory bodies governing what can and cannot be fed to creatures that we intend to eat is being so strict about what they allow those creatures to be fed. Why not just toss some strychnine and rat poison in while you’re at it, because eating your shrimp, fish taco or hamburger just isn't as thrilling or satisfying if there’s no threat of serious illness and/or death, right?

- Well, well, the American justice system really does work better for the rich, amazing. A millionaire couple from Central Islip (Long Island), N.Y. accused of keeping two Indonesian women in their home as slaves were able to buy, er, temporarily re-attain their freedom by posting a $3.5 million bail that comes with a few conditions attached. Varsha Mahender Sabhnani, 53, and her husband Steve (kidding), Mahender Murlidhar Sabhnani, 51, are subject to home detention, phone taps and 24-hour surveillance, but other than that they’re free as a bird until trial. The couple operates a worldwide perfume business out of their home on Long Island, which they can presumably continue to due after buying their way out of jail, and they thus prove that if you’re rich, you get your own special brand of justice in America. Now I know you’re saying, “Hey, most people can get bail, so what’s the big deal?” Well, not everyone can plunk down $3.5 million for bail, most people end up going to some greasy, slick bail bondsman and working out a deal that way. It must be nice to be able to scratch a $3.5 million check and walk out of jail, that’s for sure.

- I’ve never understood music fans’ fascination with Prince, nor do I subscribe to the theory that he’s some musical genius/savant who transcends musical genres and is a quasi-deity in the music world. To me, he’s some freak show who sings like a woman, dresses like a mix of a leftover from the 1970s, a pimp and Fez from That 70’s Show and whose music assaults my ears in a distinctly unpleasant way. His lyrics are bizarre, as is his fascination with changing his name to a symbol and back again, as is the fact that he went Picasso on a house he rented from NBA star Carlos Boozer last year and painted freaking purple stripes and swirl patterns all over surfaces on the property even though it wasn’t his, prompting Boozer to sue his androgynous arse. Now, though, I think a more apt description of Price would be this: sellout and corporate b*tch. The enigmatic rock star formerly known as Some with a Shred of Credibility left is using his new fragrance (not, no Eau de Bizarro) 3121 as a platform to go corporate and give any idiot willing to shell out $250 the following package: a bottle of the fragrance, a ticket to a “special” concert to be held at a Macy’s store in Indianapolis and a ticket to his concert the same night at the Target Center in Minneapolis. Umm, I could be wrong, but isn't playing concerts at malls and department stores what you’re supposed to do when you’re a musical nobody, not a supposed megastar? And I should correct myself, that deal is not available to just anyone with $250, it is for the first 1,400 suckers, er, people, to throw away their money for this offer. Personally, if I want to see some crazy dude with a high pitched voice sing crappy music, I’ll just buy a crushed velvet suit from the local thrift story, a tank of helium and pay some homeless dude on the street to put on the suit, suck down the helium and sing weird songs with dumb lyrics. Thanks for nothing, P.

- Life just isn't getting any better for Mike Vick, and he’s starting to get dinged with a few small hits of justice that are about to turn into a giant crap storm of trouble. As it turns out, there are more than a few snitches, er, informants coming forward to point the finger at Vick as a major player in the world of dog fighting, and a couple of anonymous law enforcement officials say they believe there is now enough evidence to secure an indictment against the Atlanta Falcons quarterback. Whether that evidence is enough for a conviction is another matter, but investigators are still digging, so stay tuned. Also, AirTran, the company on whose plane I shared a ride with Vick last year from Atlanta to Virginia Beach, has dropped Vick as a spokesman in light of the troubling accusations against him. Why, I’m not sure, because I think if you polled AirTran customers, they would be pumped to have a guy who trains dogs to kill each other and pits them against one another in vicious, brutal, violent death matches as the spokesman for the airline they fly. What says “great travel experience” like two dogs being trained up as killing machines and fighting one another to the death? C’mon AirTran, don’t listen to the naysayers, there’s still time to reverse your decision before some other airline that loves animal violence and cruelty snatches M. Vick up.

- Riot time, riot time! (I really need some theme music for this segment, perhaps something along the lines of what YouTube sensation Ronald Jenkees could put together, can we got Jenkees on the phone?) The score for the following riot is what you would officially term a rout for the bad guys, with the scoreboard reading: Indonesian Marines 5, Civilians 0. The marines shot and killed five people on Java Island Wednesday during a violent protest over a plot of land whose ownership is being disputed between the citizens and the military. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it thousands of times: When rioting, it’s best not to direct violent outbursts at the best armed, most well-trained individuals in your area who are willing and able to shoot and kill you if you come after them. I appreciate the effort by the Indonesian rioters, I really do, but the goal, folks, is to keep as many anti-establishment, free-thinking rebels around as possible, and your getting killed doesn’t help us accomplish that.

- Thanks for not making Americans feel so alone, Europe! The top health officials for the European Union announced this week that more than half of the adults in EU nations are overweight or obese, making Europe a great companion for the ginormously, disgustingly fat population of our own United States. What’s truly awesome about the EU study is that factors cited in the obesity epidemic are things like diets based on sweet and fatty ingredients combined with lack of physical activity. Umm, and this is a revelation in what sense? Eating sweets and fatty foods then not exercising makes you gain weight? I didn’t see that coming. What about drinking copious amounts of beer and eating five meals a day, will those things also make you gain weight? A hearty salute to Markos Kyprianou for those fascinating, revealing insights into what makes people fat. With top-notch analysis like that, the EU should find out a way to lick this obesity problem in no time at all.

A 4-H pageant scandal, a sickening reality show and Mischa Barton apparently doesn't know basic chemistry

- Rarely do I get to speak on behalf of the NFL commissioner, so let me say how much I value this opportunity to utter the following statement on behalf of the esteemed Roger Goodell: “NO.” That pretty much sums up what the response is going to be when Goodell gets around to making an official statement about the NFL Players Association’s request for him to shorten the one-year suspension of Tennessee Titans cornerback Pacman Jones, so I thought I would save Goodell the trouble. The Players Association’s contention is thus: “Your suspension of Jones without pay for the entire 2007 season is clearly excessive and much greater than discipline imposed upon other players for the same or similar incidents,” the NFLPA said in a letter to Goodell on May 23. No, NFLPA, what’s excessive is a freaking dozen run ins with the cops the past couple years, including two (soon to be three) incidents in which Jones was charged with crimes. Also, if this tool had shown any remorse, any contrition or taken responsibility for his actions, Goodell might have considered slightly lessening the suspension. Instead, Jones maintains that he’s some sort of victim, and that’s a load of crap that the commish isn't interested in hearing. Seriously, after seeing Goodell’s act and swiftness to bring the hammer of justice down, Jones and the NFLPA had better just shut up now before Goodell gets even more pissed and extends the suspension to two years.

- It’s about frakkin’ time. Finally, a university president is willing to actively advocate the implementation of a playoff system for college football. University of Florida president Bernie Machen has headed to the annual Southeastern Conference business meetings with a plan to push the idea of a playoff system among his SEC brethren. Machen has been trumpeting such a plan since December, when he worried that his school’s team wouldn’t make the national championship game, a fear that ultimately proved unfounded. Still, the other university leaders in the SEC appear ignorantly opposed to Machen’s idea, with people like Ole Miss chancellor Robert Khayat uttering the idiotic, prepackaged reply of, “We are opposed to extending the football season deep into January. We are aware of the wear and tear on football players over a four-month period.” Bull freaking sh*t, Mr. Khayat. Football isn’t a three-month sport and you know it. With spring practices, year-round conditioning and the like, football is an all-year sport, as are many other college sports. It’s not about academics, strain on the student athletes or any other B.S. the powers-that-be are selling as excuses. The reality of it is that those in charge are getting filthy rich off of the current system and thus have no motivation to change it, so even though a playoff would be 1) fair, 2) workable, 3) logical and 4) adored by every college football fan around, the good ‘ol boys in charge of college athletics are going to resist every effort to make such a system reality.

- So Mischa Barton hasn’t been too productive since leaving The O.C., and now I think I know why: she’s a ginormous lush. Barton was rushed to an L.A. hospital after mixing booze with antibiotics, which even a ditzy actress has to know isn't a good idea. Unless she was trying to recreate the dramatic scene from the first season of The O.C. where her character OD’d on booze and pills and nearly died, Barton just looks like one of the dumbest people in America for not knowing that pills + booze = disaster. Of course, I can't say as I’ve heard of one major success she’s had since her run on FOX’s former hit teen drama ended, so being rushed to the hospital after a bender might be the only was she’s going to get any attention, other than dating spoiled rich guys who use way too much product in their hair, of course.

- I’m all at once proud and sickened to report that the second most offensive and despicable concept for a reality TV show, right behind American Karaoke, is going to go forward. The Dutch network BNN has overcome objections, legally, ethically, morally and dignity-wise, and won the right to air a reality show called The Big Donor in which three contestants in need of a kidney transplant will fight for the needed organ to be given by a 37-year-old woman suffering from inoperable brain cancer. The woman will choose from the three contestants after they compete in various tests and also after hearing interviews with them and their families. BNN is trying to tell everyone that their goal is to promote awareness of the need for organ donors, but that lame story doesn’t lessen that nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Basically, you have three people trying to poach an organ from a terminally ill woman and openly rooting for her demise so they can get the kidney. BNN is no doubt seeking the attention and notoriety it is already getting from the show, and in the process human dignity and decency are the big losers.

- Beauty pageant scandals are becoming increasingly common, and quite a few pageant queens have been forced to cede their crowns because of misbehavior and misconduct, but I believe this is the first time I’ve ever heard of a girl being stripped of her title as a 4-H club queen. For those of you in metropolitan areas, 4-H is an agricultural and livestock club for kids where they raise animals and are involved in related activities. The queen in question is Kate Mills, 20, a student at Michigan State University who could lose her crown and has been suspended from 4-H after being charged with animal cruelty when authorities removed seven dead lambs, a dead horse and three malnourished dogs from her family’s farm. And oh yeah, Mills is a freakin’ preveterinary student at MSU, which makes her offenses all the more egregious. Her parents and brother are facing the same charges as Kate, but how ironic is it for a girl who’s a member of a club that promotes animal welfare and nurturing, a girl who is aspiring to someday be a veterinarian, to be a part of such blatant animal abuse? That’s not going to be good for business if Mills ever does become a vet, because “Bring your treasured family pet to the vet who once had a dozen dead animals on her family farm as was charged with animal cruelty” doesn’t exactly draw in the customers, nor does it fit all that well on a business card. Might be time to consider a new major, Kate, perhaps pre-law, as that might come in handy for you and your family.

Karma for the Yankees, karma for Elisabeth Hasselbeck and undeserved suffering for fans of good music everywhere

- Irony is great, especially when it’s coming back to bite the New York Yankees in the arse. On the same day that their would-be savior for the 2007 season, Roger “Pocket Rocket” Clemens made his third much-ballyhooed minor league rehab start, this time at AAA Columbus, with overwrought, intense media coverage of every single pitch, the big-league Yankees suffered yet another loss to drop into last place tie with Tampa Bay. This loss came north of the border, 7-2 to Toronto, and it gives the Bronx Bombers a hearty 21-28 record, a tally that puts them whopping 13.5 games behind first place Boston. What I wouldn’t give to hear Clemens’ thoughts as he rushes to get to New York only to see the team he’s going to help plummeting so far down in the standings that not even Nolan Ryan and Cy Young in their primes could save the season. This could be quite possibly the best baseball season of my life if I have the distinct pleasure of watching that pompous, egotistical bastard Clemens as he suffers through an entire summer of pitching for a terrible team that is continually fighting to stay out of last place. Well, it might not be quite as pleasant as seeing Clemens blow out his elbow or rotator cuff and have to watch the same spectacle from the bench, but it’s a close second.

- It’s sad that we need this, but unfortunately it’s something that all states should follow suit with. The state legislature in Texas has given final approval to a bill that would establish random mandatory testing for performance enhancing drugs for all high school athletes, and the bill will now go to Gov. Rick Perry for his signature. The testing would go into place at the start of this next school year, and while I’m sure all of the tweakers and ‘roid heads in the state’s high schools are cursing under their breath at the thought of random testing, this is a bill that will do a lot of good. If you think there aren’t high school kids emulating their professional athlete heroes and trying to get an edge by using steroids, you’re either extremely naïve or just very wrong, and it doesn’t matter which. If all states would institute testing, the number of kids using steroids would decrease (but unfortunately not all the way to where the tally should be, zero) and not only would that eliminate a lot of cases where high school kids suffer health problems due to steroid usage, it would eliminate a lot of problems that won't pop up until later on in life when these kids become adults and see their bodies fall apart because of what the ‘roids have done to their insides. Also, if you break this kids of that habit of ‘roiding up now, hopefully they will stay away from the steroids as they progress in their athletic careers. Props to Texas for doing something about a problem that too many people are willing to ignore.

- Pakistani Justice Update: Last week I wrote about a Pakistani couple who married to avoid the woman being sold off for marriage to pay her uncle’s gambling debts, only to have the woman’s father demand the dissolution of the marriage based on the fact that the husband used to be a man and had a sex-change operation 16 years ago. The couple has been sentenced to three years in prison for lying to the court about the nature and history of their marriage/sex change bidness. The ruling was based largely on the fact that court-appointed doctors who examined the man/it in question ruled that the previous operations he/it had were not complete and that Shumail Raj, the being of questionable gender, is in fact still a woman. Honestly, even writing that last sentence creeps me out substantially and I don’t like the potential mental imagery it could generate for anyone reading this, so let’s just move on.

- I hope I’m not the only one who finds it infinitely disturbing that the Pussycat Skanks, er, Dolls, are going to be back on the CW this fall for another round of their reality show: The Search for the Next Skank to Sing Our Inane, Shallow Lyrics and Dress Like a Hooker. What exactly does it say about your group that you can come back for a second year and use the cesspool that is reality TV as the means of locating another member to plug into your group? Even a crappy band like INXS only did one season and one search for a new member via reality TV. If you can and will come back for a second go round, it only shows that you are an artificial, contrived musical malady that has no artistic integrity and no ability to survive on its own merits. You come back for a second season because you need it to generate publicity and attention for your piece of crap group and you come back because your band is so pathetic that you can just churn out another assembly-line style member through an unwatchable reality show. I didn’t think it was possible for bad music to ruin the postseason of an entire professional sport, but the Pussycat Skanks are doing just that because ABC is using them to sing intro music for NBA playoff games, and now we’ll be subjected to another season of their piss-poor reality show? Can’t say it’s huge surprise, though, what with the Crappy Watching (CW) network the one making the decision to bring them back.

- When you put good out into the world, you do indeed get good things in return. Elisabeth Hasselbeck knows this, because after she did us all a huge favor by expediting Rosie O’Fat’s exodus from The View, Mrs. Hasselbeck got a great present: O’Fat says she is never going to speaker to Lizzie again. In my book, that’s about as big a present as anyone can get, never having to talk to a fat, ugly, crude, crass, unintelligent, belligerent, militant lesbian with a bad haircut like Rosie O’Fat. I think O’Fat meant it as a threat and in a negative sense when she made the promise, but I’d venture to guess that Hasselbeck and myself aren't the only ones who would be thankful if that flabby, fugly pig of a human being promised to never talk to us again. All Hasselbeck did was dare to stand up to O’Fat when she started throwing around accusations about where Hasselbeck stood on the war in Iraq, and when Hasselbeck stood up for herself and demanded that Rosie let her speak, Rosie had a combination meltdown/hissy fit. “I haven't spoken to her, and I probably won't, and it’s just as well,” blabbered O’Fat in a posting on her website. Actually, O’Fat, what would be just as well would be if you promised to go away and never, ever appear on TV, radio, on stage or in public ever again and we never had to see your pudgy, misshapen mug in any form again, ever.

I teach aspiring criminals another lesson, angry Venezualans stage a gutsy riot and a slice of musical enjoyment just for you

- My seminars for criminals haven't gotten up and running yet because I’m still working on the curriculum, but it looks like I’d better hurry and get this project rolling because lives are being ruined because I’m not helping the less intelligent criminals among us. For example, the second lesson in my curriculum would be especially helpful to Atlanta Falcons quarterback Mike Vick, who had been getting intense heat for alleged dog fighting going on at a house in Virginia that he owns. However, the initial outrage had died down and it appeared that Vick’s vehement and consistent denials of any wrongdoing were going to hold up because there just wasn’t any evidence against him. Here’s where Lesson #2 in my series comes in: when lying to cover up a crime, be sure that there aren't credible witnesses out there who are willing and able to contradict the story you’re selling. A witness who describes himself as a regular in the world of dog fighting, a man who claims he has trained thousands of canines for combat, revealed to ESPN’s Outside the Lines that in 2000, one of his dogs squared off against a dog owned by someone he referred to as one of the “heavyweights” of the dog fighting world: Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. “He's a pit bull fighter,” the source said of Vick. “He's one of the ones that they call 'the big boys': that's who bets a large dollar. And they have the money to bet large money. As I'm talking about large money -- $30,000 to $40,000 -- even higher. He's one of the heavyweights.” Damn. That kind of contradictory evidence isn't going to help your case, Mike. The interview this anonymous source gave to OTL goes into great depth and contains detailed accounts of encounters between the source and Vick, with those stories involving large amounts of cash and lots of dog fighting. What had been a dying investigation has new life, and if Vick had learned Lesson #2 in my seminar for criminal plotting, he could have saved himself the embarrassment and shame of lying boldly and continually to everyone about his involvement with dog fighting and the punishment he ends up receiving wouldn’t have been so bad, because he could have just been honest and forthright from the start and then everyone wouldn’t have the added anger of being lied to in the back of their minds as they pass judgment on the “Heavyweight of Dog Fighting.”

- Chicago must be the new L.A. Used to be that police brutality was a SoCal thing, but the men in blue in the Windy City are beginning to establish their own credentials when it comes to viciously pummeling civilians. A couple weeks ago, three officers were charged with an array of crimes in conjunction with the beating of two men at an upscale Chicago bar, now another CPD officer has been arrested for an off-duty beating of a 15-year-old high school student. Roberto Gallegos is charged with aggravated battery after he reportedly gave a Juarez High School student a broken jaw and other injuries in an attack that is most definitely not conduct becoming of a police officer. “To serve, protect and maim” is not, nor has it ever been the official motto of any police department, and the Chicago PD had better get its officers under control or the people of the city are going to start fighting back and demanding that something be done about the out of control hooligans in blue that are supposed to be policing their city.

- I know I’ve hit on this before, so I’ll keep this brief, but as I perused the TV listings for today, it struck me once again how utterly absurd it is that the NHL’s championship round, the Stanley Cup Finals, is in the Versus network. Here’s a sport that once considered itself on the same level as the NFL, MLB and the NBA, and yet its ultimate happening, the series to decide the league’s title, is on a network that an overwhelmingly large portion of America doesn’t have access to. I can't even begin to imagine the World Series or NBA Finals being relegated to a secondary, peripheral network, and if the NCAA Tournament was on any channel I didn’t have access to, I’d be the first one with a crow bar and burning torch looking to start a riot. Thankfully, with a Canadian team in the Stanley Cup Finals, half the games in the series won't even be on American soil, so it’ll be even easier to forget that the games are going on at all. Then again, nearly all of America does a good job of forgetting about them anyhow, so maybe we don’t need the help.

- This music recommendation is a bit tardy, as the album in question came out on September 26, 2006, but I’ve enjoyed it so much since discovering it last week that I’d be remiss if I didn’t give the artist major props, tardy or not. The album is Colorblind by Robert Randolph & the Family Band, and the experience of hearing this CD for the first time was one of the best musical thrills I’ve had in quite a few months. Randolph and his band bring an amazing fusion of rock, blues, jazz, funk and more together and over the course of the 11-song album, there are at least five songs I would describe as flat-out awesome. Ain’t Nothing Wrong With That is the single you’re most likely to have heard/seen the video for, and it is absolutely one of those five top songs. With wicked guitar riffs, great harmonies, innovate percussion in the form of stomps and clapping and a fast, rollicking pace, it kicks off the album in style. Homecoming has some hip-hop, old school flavor to it, some funky bass lines, a bluesy guitar backing and takes you down home to in rockin’ style. Collaborations with Leela James, Eric Clapton and Dave Matthews give an extra boost of star power to an album that would be great even without them. It’s tough to find rock that has soul and can incorporate funk, jazz and blues while still maintaining good rock cred, but Robert Randolph & the Family Band manage to do that and much more on what is one of the two or three best albums I’ve heard in the past year, no doubt.

- Oppression Update time: Police in Caracas broke up a massive opposition protest in the country’s capital city using water canons and tear gas after protesters gathered to demonstrate against President Hugo Chavez’s decision to shut down the country’s most widely watched TV channel. Hundreds of angry Venezuelans gathered to voice their anger about Chavez’s decision not to renew the license of Radio Caracas Television, an independent station that he believes played a role in a failed 2002 coup against him. The protesters might have thought they were at a giant block party with the huge water canons, but when the tear gas was shot, I’m pretty sure they knew things were going downhill. The soaked dissidents scattered temporarily, but in a tremendous show of chutzpah, they regrouped, marched to the state telecommunications commission offices and stared down riot police while singing the national anthem. A big, hearty, Stick It To the Man salute to all those Venezuelan protesters, not many people have the testicular fortitude to reassemble after police try to disperse them, then march down the street and stare down riot police while singing their national anthem. If only Chavez and his administration had half the amount of balls and sheer tenacity these protesters did, Venezuela would be a lot better off.

- Maybe bad reviews can sink even the biggest super-movie. Following lukewarm analysis of its plot and execution, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End came in with weekend tallies of $126 million, which is a new Memorial Day weekend record, but not nearly enough to match the loot brought in on the first weekend of the last movie in the Pirates series or by Spiderman 3. Don’t feel too bad for producer Jerry Bruckheimer and the film’s cast and crew, though, as the movie has already more than earned back the $300 million spent on production when you factor in the take from international showings. The good-but-not-overwhelming response to this movie does make you wonder if those in charge will reconsider making a fourth movie in the series, which they definitely left the door open for based on the way they ended At World’s End. I for one hope they end the series here, because from the first movie in the trilogy to the third, the films have gotten progressively worse and with Keira Knightley not willing to be part of a fourth edition of Pirates, ending things here is the right decision.

My sarcasm and snappy wit don't take any long holiday weekends off

- The Juice just will not go away. Personally, if I double-murdered a couple of people (allegedly) and got away with it, I’d consider myself incredibly fortunate and attempt to drop off the edge of the map, never to be heard from again. Not O.J., though. This dude keeps finding ways to resurface and to remind us each time that he is the worst guy, ever, in the history of the world. A federal court judge has ordered a bankrupt company officially owned by the Juice’s kids to turn over any copies of his “How-to Guide to Double Murder”, a.k.a. hypothetical-murder book If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened, about the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, lest those books be distributed or disseminated in any way. Lorraine Brook Associates, which has O.J.’s oldest daughter, Arnelle, as its head, retains all rights to the book, but its publication was canceled HarperCollins following a massive outcry from every person with a soul and more than one ounce of compassion and dignity. The book has also been the topic of the most recent legal battle between the Simpson and Goldman families. And oh yeah, another O.J.-related note………the suit and tie he wore on the day of his (wrongful) acquittal of the double murder he committed (allegedly/definitely/assuredly) is the hot item on the sports memorabilia block, with one dealer hawking it for $25,000 and another would-be buyer believing he could purchase it and flip it for $100,000. Keep on greasing the tracks for your express ride to eternal damnation, Juice, because you are the definition of despicable.

- Welcome to Zimbabwe, where freedom and democracy go to die. That message was sounded loud and clear by riot police in the city of Harare, where 200 members of the Movement for Democratic Change were seized at their headquarters. The MDC is the primary opposition group to the current regime in Zimbabwe, a regime that isn't so fond of concepts like freedom, civil rights and fairness. Astonishingly, there was no immediate comment from Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe or his administration. Of course, why do you need to explain anything when you rule your country in dictatorial, repressive fashion and can choke out any opposition through sheer force and military might? Nothing sucks quite as much in this world as when The Man holds down the common people, especially when those common people are advocating democracy and a more fair, just society. Stay strong, Movement for Democratic Change, you’re on the right side in this fight.

- A couple days ago we had real-life snakes on a plane, now we have a flight in England grounded by bees on a plane, or more specifically, bees in the engine of a plane. After the thick cloud of bees was sucked into the engine of a passenger flight bound for Portugal, those on board were delayed for 11 hours before reaching their destination. Ironically, this isn't even the dumbest or most bizarre reason a plane has ever been delayed, and in the grand scale of things, an 11-hour delay is relatively mild. Look for airlines to tack on a bee-removal surcharge to all airfare, that way they can hire someone to clear bees from the tarmac and charge you an extra fifty bucks in the process.

- I am going to absolutely love watching the New York Yankees-Roger Clemens marriage over the next four months. The Yankees are clearly a bad team that is more than one aging, suspiciously-strong 45-year-old over-the-hill pitcher from being any good, and they’re going nowhere this season, a fact that is becoming increasingly clear as the Pocket Rocket makes his way through minor league starts to prepare for his return to the Yanks. Meanwhile, the big-league club has stumbled and bumbled its way to a 21-26 record, a whopping 11 ½ games back of first-place Boston and in fourth place in the American League East, ahead of only last-place Tampa Bay. Also, Yankee pitchers are succumbing to injuries at a breakneck pace, so by the time Pocket Rocket Clemens makes it to the team, he may be the only healthy hurler in sight. The ultimate karmic occurrence, of course, would be for Pocket Rocket to suffer a season-ending arm or shoulder injury in the first inning of his first 2007 start for the Yankees. What better payback for an arrogant, self-centered mercenary who has screwed over multiple teams, including the very one he is now returning to, on his quest to continually feed his massive ego. Here’s hoping for a torn rotator cuff or blown-out elbow for you, Pocket Rocket, you officially suck.

- Nothing is a bigger freak magnet that the prospect of anything alien or extraterrestrial, and the city of Roswell, New Mexico is the Mecca for many seekers of the weird. City officials in Roswell want to open a UFO-themed amusement park to capitalize on the town’s alien mojo, complete with an indoor roller coaster that would take passengers on a simulated alien abduction. No word on how anyone knows what an alien abduction actually feels like, because I’m going to go ahead and assume that everyone who claims to have been abducted at any point is either as unequivocally insane as they appear or that they’re dropping massive hits of peyote and LSD twice an hour, twelve hours a day. The Alien Apex Resort, as it would be named, could open as early as 2010, which means you still have time to book your tour on the dork wagon. I might actually consider visiting this place, if for no other reason than to see the biggest gaggle of misfits and freak jobs known to man. The scary thing is that the city has already received a $245,000 legislative appropriation to get this project going and there’s an 80-acre site ready to host the nutty park. You may find me near the city limits of Roswell if this park ever gets opened, and I’ll be the one selling giant butterfly nets and tranquilizer guns should you mental health professionals want to come to Roswell and bag yourself some new patients for your psychiatric wards………….

Chastising Hugo Chavez, pimping a new TV series and an elderly mobster gets his

- If I praise you when you are smart enough to publicly rip and verbally excoriate America’s intelligence-deprived leader, then I also must rip you when you engage in an act of oppression and bullying, Hugo Chavez. The Venezuelan presidente is forcing Radio Caracas Television, the country’s oldest private TV station, off the air at midnight tomorrow because of lingering resentment and hostility he has against RCTV because of the part he believes it played in a failed coup against him in 2002. Nothing like holding a grudge for five years and refusing to renew the station’s license, H., it’s refreshing to see that your administration won't be so petty and small-minded as to quash someone who dared oppose you half a decade ago. Of course, you can bet that Chavez will release some official statement denying that this is any sort of payback for RCTV and that he had a completely justified, reasonable motivation for the decision - the typical political-speak B.S. that you always hear when a scheming, conniving and indefensible move like this is made. Yet I can’t help but theorize that America probably wouldn’t be any worse off with H. Chavez as our leader than we are with the current idiot sitting in the Oval Office………

- Hey everybody, major news flash: the IRS is inept and ineffective, can you believe it!?!?! This may come as a shock to you, but in addition to its slowness, insensitivity, lack of responsiveness and general disdain for taxpayers, the Internal Revenue Service also does a poor job identifying tax-exempt groups that may have ties to terrorist groups, according to a report by the office of the Treasury Inspector General. I am shocked and appalled to learn that a fine, upstanding and efficient organization such as the IRS does a poor job of anything. Other than losing my tax return this year and taking four months and running to get me a refund that I am due, all the while feeding me a dozen different excuses and showing all the enthusiasm for getting me my refund that Rosie O’Donnell shows at a salad bar, I can't think of a single reason to doubt the competency of the Internal Revenue Service. Just because their heads are shoved so far up their collective arse doesn’t mean that they screw things up, except for the fact that they continually f’up everything in sight. The true stunner will be if and when the IRS does something correctly and on time……….

- When our justice system is on its game, it takes a bite out of the real criminals among us, those who are a threat to society and need to pay for their misdeeds. For example, when you have a nearly century-old former mobster living in a retirement haven in south Florida filling his days with bingo, shuffleboard and the early bird special at Bob’s Big Boy, you need to bring the smack down on his hardened criminal arse big time. Albert Facchiano, a 97-year-old convicted mobster, has been sentenced to six months’ house arrest after pleading guilty to federal racketeering conspiracy and witness tampering charges. I’m not sure exactly how a 97-year-old dude intimidates potential witness, other than threatening to beat them with his cane and choking them with the chain on his eyeglasses, but so be it. No word on whether Albert will be allowed out of his house for the condo shuffleboard tournament or the early bird special at the Sizzler, but something tells me that in sentencing him to house arrest, the court is hoping he’ll kick the bucket before the end of his sentence and they won't have to waste money and jail space incarcerating him. Still, kudos to this guy for still being gangsta enough to have the federal government coming after him on major criminal charges when he’s nearly at the century mark of his life.

- College basketball coaches are hard driving and dogmatic by nature. They have to go hard after potential recruits and fight like heck against the other schools trying to recruit prized players, but there comes a time when that dogmatism and relentless pursuit need to be switched off, which is a lesson Florida A&M coach Mike Gillespie Sr. doesn’t seem to know. Police in Tallahassee, Fla. arrested Gillespie on a misdemeanor stalking charge Friday, although he was later released on a $1,000 bond. The arrest came after a woman phoned police to tell them she was being stalked Thursday night and Friday morning. Gillespie was nabbed during the day Friday, and apparently this isn't his first foray into the realm of being a creepy, weirdo stalker. A police report states that Gillespie has been investigated several times for stalking since March 2005 and had received numerous warnings from law enforcement to change his behavior. Then, once he was arrested, he twice refused to tell police his side of the story, which certainly doesn’t do anything to disperse the dark clouds of suspicion hanging over his head. This stalking tendency should do wonders for recruiting at A&M, because what parent wouldn’t want their son going to play basketball for some creepy 56-year-old dude who has a habit of stalking people and then lying about it? Stop following random women around, Coach, and learn that if they don’t want anything to do with you, you need to respect that and leave them alone.

- Not sure what to make of the return of ABC’s new series, Traveler, this Wednesday, May 30. I watched the pilot a few weeks ago and it was interesting enough to watch again, but my optimism is balanced by the knowledge that the show doesn’t have any sort of time slot of scheduled night for the upcoming season on ABC. In fact, one piece I read said the series won’t be a part of ABC’s 2007-08 lineup, but I have to believe that’s faulty information, otherwise why bother bringing it back for eight weeks this summer. At this point, the show has to have at least some life in it and a shot to be included in the network’s lineup at some point, be it as an in-season replacement or otherwise. Here’s hoping enough other viewers tune in so that the suits at ABC are encouraged by the ratings and give this promising series a real shot. Tune in Wednesday night at I believe 10 p.m. and see what should be good viewing…….

Adios, Rosie O'Fat, adios, creepy snakes-on-a-plane guy and adios to illegal immigrants if you heed my advice

- For future reference, attempting to re-enact Snakes on a Plane in real life is a bad idea. Yahia Rahim Tulba, a would-be passenger attempting to board a flight out of the main airport in Cairo, Egypt was detained by customs officials after it was discovered that his baggage included 700 live snakes, some of them poisonous. Tulba was asked to open his bag after he informed officials of the snakes’ presence but asked everyone to stay at a safe distance. He intended to sell the snakes in Saudi Arabia, although the total value of his scaly supply of crawling creatures was not immediately known. No word on whether Samuel L. Jackson was also on board the plane, but this is yet more proof that no matter how many pictures they put on the security signs at the airport to show things you can't bring on a plane, some moron will try to sneak something else onto a plane that shouldn’t be there. You’ve seen the signs, pictures of guns, knives, water bottles, explosives, etc. with a red circle around them and a red slash mark diagonally across them. Looks like airport security will now need to add a snake graphic to that list so that would-be snake smugglers don’t try to board the plane with hundreds of dangerous animals. I’m still at a loss as to how you could think this was OK under any circumstances, but then again the world is not a smart place……….

- Good to see another state legislature engaging in the pointless, idiotic and wasteful notion of apologizing for an act that happened nearly a hundred and fifty years ago. The state legislature in Alabama has become the latest to issue a formal apology for slavery, even though all those who were enslaved are dead, the people who owned slaves are dead and anyone who was directly affected by the horrible practice of slavery in Civil War times is also dead. The Alabama Legislature officially passed a resolution Thursday that expresses “profound regret” for the state’s role in slavery and also apologizes for slavery’s wrongs and their effect on this country. Virginia, Maryland and North Carolina have already passed similar legislation, which I am sure are of great comfort to the people buried in cemeteries around the country who actually suffered those effects and wrongs, even though those people have no knowledge of these resolutions and never will. I move for a new resolution that no one should be apologizing for anything they didn’t do when those who were wronged are no longer alive. More or less, these measures are a feeble attempt to garner favor with African Americans of this day and age and a way to put a happy face on a terrible time for America - except they don’t accomplish any of that because you can't apologize for something you didn’t do to someone who no longer exists.

- So the verdict is in on the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End and the verdict is…..ehhhhh, it’s OK. That’s the best I can muster for this movie, which unfortunately continues the recent trend of third installments in major movie series that are definitely weaker than the first two editions (see Spiderman, Shrek and even the last version of the Matrix trilogy a couple years back). While the plot is decidedly less complicated and difficult to follow than the preceding Pirates movie, Curse of the Black Pearl, At World’s End is unwieldingly long, two hours and 45 minutes, and while there’s plenty of action to fill that time, the picture has numerous holes that make it a bit of a sinking ship long before the final credits roll down the screen. The most obvious beef I have with this movie is its ending, specifically the ending for Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley). Without giving it away, I’ll just say that it’s neither really positive nor really negative, but more of a halfhearted cop-out that won't make much of anyone happy. Also, the dialogue in large chunks of the movie is terribly indiscernible, with the main culprit being Capt Barbosa, played by Geoffrey Rush. During climactic action sequences on the high seas, Barbosa’s loud proclamations sound like garbled gibberish that you need subtitles to understand. Also, the movie devotes a large chunk of time and effort toward the relationship between Davey Jones and the goddess of the sea, Calypso, but ultimately this storyline proves to be of little relevance to the main focus of the movie. Ultimately, I think At World’s End falls victim to the massive expectations for it based on the preceding two pictures in the series. Everything in a movie of this magnitude has to be big, over the top and excessive, and the movie as a whole suffers for it. Still, the great special effects and visuals, plus a cast of interesting characters and plenty of great action do save the film to some degree, and as such it’s not a total waste.

- Elizabeth Hasselbeck, you are my hero. Besides being considerably hot, Hasselbeck has done all TV watchers a huge favor and delivered a swift kick to the sizeable arse of Rosie O’Donnell that has propelled the chubby former comedienne out the door of ABC’s The View even sooner than planned. Hasselbeck and O’Fat tangled about the war in Iraq, which O’Fat is a vocal critic of. There was some haggling about O’Fat tagging American troops in Iraq as terrorists and whether she actually said that, and several times Hasselbeck stood up to O’Fat’s bullying tactics and pounded the table while insisting she be allowed to speak. I’m going to go ahead and forget that I actually agree that the war is a terrible thing, because even though I don’t agree with Hasselbeck’s stance on the issue, I more importantly agree with her standing up to the tyranny of idiocy that is Rosie and sending her fat, ugly face packing. If an argument is enough of an irritant to cause O’Fat to ask for an early release from her contract and leave the show immediately, I have to side with whomever is on the other side of that debate. Well done, Liz, you’re a hero to all of us…………..

- We could save ourselves a lot of trouble on debating and hashing out this new immigration bill currently making its way through Congress with two things: a ginormous wall and a whole lotta guns. The Senate has overwhelmingly endorsed a wide-reaching bill that would tighten border security and create a strict verification program designed mainly to deny jobs to illegal immigrants. Rejected by the Senate were two measures also relating to immigration, one of which would have ended the temporary worker program for immigrants after five years, and another bill that would have allowed government authorities to question a person about his or her immigration status if authorities had reason to believe that person was in the United States illegally. Both of those measures were rejected by a narrow one-vote margin, showing the contentious and hard-fought nature of the immigration issue. There would be no need to question illegals or to find a way to deny them jobs, though, if my solution was adopted: a 35-foot wall along the whole border, topped off by five rows of razor wire, with guard towers stationed every quarter mile, manned by guards with high-caliber automatic rifles. Think about it Congress, it could just be the answer to all of your immigration problems……….

The real American Karaoke winner, why Clinton Portis really a moron and why Chinese toothpaste is really dangerous

- China and its Communist regime may be a great threat to the world after all, but it may not be in the form of military might or nuclear power. No, the bigger threat could come from deadly Chinese toothpaste. Health authorities in several Latin American countries, including Panama and the Dominican Republic, have pulled the toothpaste brands Mr. Cool and Excel from store shelves in their countries after learning that the product contains diethylene glycol, a chemical commonly used in antifreeze and brake fluid. Chinese authorities say they will investigate, which I’m sure will be of great relief to those who may have inadvertently used the tainted toothpaste. Hmmm, honey, is this a new flavor of toothpaste? Why does it have such a chemical taste to it, and why does my mouth feel like it’s inside a car engine? Could this “slip” of toxic chemicals in toothpaste be the first stage of a subtle yet powerful attack by the Chinese against the Western world? Keep your toxic toothpaste out of our hemisphere, China, we’re only down with cinnamon, vanilla, mint and various fruit products as flavor agents in our hygiene products, we draw the line at poisonous chemicals from car care products.

- This just in: Clinton Portis is a moron. Portis used to be the funny, charming Washington Redskins running back who showed up for interview sessions once a week during the season dressed in outrageous costumes (Napoleon Dynamite, the fictitious Coach Spanky Janky, etc.) and everyone laughed. No one is laughing now, and no one would include his own team and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell following Portis’ indefensibly stupid comments re: Michael Vick and the alleged dog fighting ring at a Virginia property with Vick’s name on the deed. Portis said basically that it’s Vick’s property and Vick’s dogs, so he can do whatever he wants and everyone should leave him alone. Well, the Redskins and Goodell have both spoken out and publicly condemned Portis’ comments and now Portis and his agent, the abrasive and irritating Drew Rosenhaus, are doing spin control. Rosenhaus tried to spin his client’s comments by saying that Portis was simply urging everyone to reserve judgment on the situation until the police investigation is complete, and that as of yet Vick has done nothing wrong. Sure, because that’s exactly what everyone thinks you mean when you say clearly and explicitly that it’s his property and his dogs, so he has every right to do whatever he wants with them. Next time you want to offer a bogus apology and have it sound at least somewhat plausible, Drew, make sure you’re client doesn’t so clearly enunciate and eloquate his thoughts. Portis left no room for revision with his statement, and now he’s trying to backpedal faster than Carmelo Anthony in the brawl at Madison Square Garden this past NBA season. Part of what agents do when their clients f’up is to clean up the mess, but this time Portis stepped in it big time and no amount of spinning will clean up the mess. Let it go, Drew, and spend your time on a more useful pursuit, namely explaining to your client to use his brain and think for more than .00005 seconds before speaking.

- American Karaoke is over and the winner is…………..me, and anyone else who loathes this abomination of a TV show/glorified karaoke contest. I really don’t care who the declared winner was, because any time a new season of this debacle airs, the real loser is quality music. Oh, and mad props to Joe Perry for whoring out his musical legacy and appearing with that tool Sanjaya, which I hope Joe was paid well for, because seeing him sell out and take part in that farce broke the heart of every true rock fan when they saw a picture online or elsewhere of Perry and the effeminate, finger-nails-on-a-chalk-board-voiced loser performing together. Thank the Lord I didn’t actually see the broadcast of that, because I’d prefer not to have to smash my TV set to pieces with an axe, as I’ve grown relatively fond of it. Not since the Joe Perry Project and its ill-fated run has Perry been involved with such an atrocity of a musical act, and I may have to build a time machine to go back 20 years and retroactively start hating Aerosmith’s music because of what he’s done by appearing on AK. You suck, Joe, and you have your new buddy Sanjaya and his amorphous, feminine hairdo and voice to thank for that.

- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has a zero tolerance policy for player misconduct, but I wonder what his “sending porn emails to the entire league, including the commish, NFL GM’s and their secretaries” policy is………..Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line coach Larry Zierlein may find out what the policy is, because Zierlein was either technologically stupid or immature and inappropriate enough to send out a league-wide email containing what has been described as an “inappropriate e-mail message”, with one copy of that going to Goodell. No word as of yet on whether Zierlein sent the email intentionally and thought it was funny or if he intended to send it to one or two buddies and accidentally forwarded it to the whole league, but I would have loved to see the look on Goodell’s face when he opened his email inbox and found that beauty there. How’s about using a little more caution and making sure who you’re sending a message to, coach? Even if you’re the world’s biggest porn freak, you can’t be sending out crude, offensive and obscene porn messages to every coach, GM and exec in the NFL.

Karma bites the Yankees, a riot by Chinese farmers and what I want Exxon Mobile to do

- Props to the NBA for showing us what those three letters really stand for: No Balls Association. The league decided that there should be a two-day break between games of the Eastern Conference finals even though the Cavaliers and Pistons aren't changing locations for Game 2. It’ll be in Detroit, just as Game 1, but the league refused to schedule the second game on Wednesday night, supposedly because of an irrational fear of competing with the American Karaoke finale for viewers. Way to man up and show the tough, balls to the wall attitude that sports are supposed to embody, No Balls Association. You’re afraid to compete with a bunch of glorified karaoke singers, one of whom may or may not be a transvestite (Sanjaya whatever-his-last-name-is), a trio of judges comprised of a bitter, uninteresting, pub-hungry Brit, a pill-popping former Laker Girl and a fat black dude who serves no apparent purpose at all - for anything. Yeah, because the people who are dedicated NBA fans are exactly the same people who watch AK. This is just one more reason why the NBA will never, ever be as interesting or legitimate a basketball entity as NCAA hoops and why the NCAA Tournament is bar none the best sporting event in the world, because it doesn’t kowtow to a glorified karaoke contest or anything else in its scheduling.

- Never let it be said that Minnesota legislators don’t know how to party. Just a few hours after gaveling the 2007 session of the state legislature to a close, the president of the Democratic-led Minnesota Senate, James Metzen, was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving. Metzen was weaving back and forth in his lane and driving erratically, which I am confident in saying (even though I am not a law enforcement professional) is a very good indicator of someone driving drunk. Metzen seems to have wasted no time making a mad dash to a local inn popular with lawmakers and downing a beer or eight at a celebration of the end of another “grueling” legislative session. Good to see that someone who plays a major part in creating laws and sculpting the government for his state is so dedicated to following those same laws he helps put in place. Something tells me that the first bill proposed to the legislature in Minnesota next session will be a measure to increase the legal limit for intoxication to .25-ish.

- When your company is responsible for one of the biggest environmental disasters in modern times, you really should just pay whatever the courts order you to pay and not complain. Exxon Mobil Corp. refuses to go quietly into the night by ponying up the $4.5 billion in damages that a federal appeals court ordered it to pay as restitution for the damage caused by the 1989 Valdez oil spill that contaminated 1,500 miles of the Alaskan coastline and killed thousands of wildlife creatures. Exxon could still appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court and knowing the reluctance of major international corporations to part with any of the money they wring out of consumers, that’s exactly what Exxon will do. The company’s attorneys argue the fine is excessive, but then again so is the damage they did to the environment. I’d call dumping millions of gallons of oil into the water and killing all those animals is excessive too. Pay what you owe, Exxon, and in the future do a better job of making sure you don’t hire some drunken lush as a captain for your tankers so you won't have to worry about another mess like the Valdez spill.

- Riot time, riot time! If there’s a political, social or economic-based uprising anywhere in the world, you know I’m down. Today, the uprising de jour, as it were, comes to us from the southern Guangxi region of China, where authorities detained 28 people after thousands of local farmers rioted to protest fines levied on those who have had more children than allowed under the country’s family planning policy. Basically, the Chinese government only allows one child per family in order to put the skids on out-of-control population growth, and these fines are a way of enforcing the policy. Ah, the joys of Communism, dictating to people how many children they can have and what their family is allowed to consist of, you gotta love it. Not that the big, bad Chinese government is going to abandon its controlling ways and give these people a break, but props to the people of the southern Guangxi region for taking the fight to The Man anyhow………

- Does anyone else think it’s poetic justice that the New York Yankees are seeing two of their biggest free-agent signings of the past five years go up in flames/down in ‘roids? Jason Giambi and Carl Pavano both came to New York for $100 million-plus contracts, but each has been a major disappointment to the Bronx Bombers in his own special way. Giambi battled health problems early on, mysteriously apologized for something shortly thereafter, the something that was steroids but he wouldn’t say explicitly, and since then he’s been producing less and less of the power and offense he was brought in for. Now, Giambi gave an interview in which he hinted even further at using ‘roids and also reportedly tested positive for amphetamines, also banned by baseball, and the Yankees are considering voiding his contract. Pavano rewarded the team’s faith in him by accumulating a measly five wins in his entire Yankee career, and now he’s headed for major reconstructive surgery after his umpteenth injury. For more than $200 million, that’s what the Yankees now have, a washed up slugger whose contract they want to void and a broken-down pitcher who may never throw another inning for them. Yes, the Yankees can afford to write off these mistakes more than any other team because of their deep pockets, but it’s still great to see them suffer, because for me and millions of baseball fans worldwide, it’s a beautiful thing………….

A hammered Hasselhoff = good TV, W. making threats = not much and rioting villagers = a thumbs up from me

- There’s only one way I’m watching even a half-second of NBC’s ridiculous and embarrassingly-awful returning summer series America’s Got Talent: David Hasselhoff must agree to film every single episode with a blood-alcohol content of .15 or above. That’s nearly twice the legal limit in most states, and if Hasselhoff is that hammered, the show might actually be entertaining instead of incredibly lowbrow, stupid and worthless. Normally a self-glossing poseur like “The Hoff”, a druggie, plastic-surgery-loving old British woman like Sharon Osborne and whoever the third loser judge is on this show would ensure that I would watch zero hours of it, but if Hasselhoff is fall-down drunk, I’ll reconsider. I’ll still have no desire to see losers perform karaoke, see cats work miniature parallel bars, idiots juggling fire and wannabe comedians do their shtick, but if there’s any chance D. Hasselhoff will recreate the utter hilarity we saw on that video his daughter took when he was hammered and making a total fool of himself, then it’s worth watching. All NBC needs to do is stock Hasselhoff’s green room and trailer with enough vodka, rum, tequila and gin to drown an elephant and I think they’ll have a hit on their hands………

- Not many things are as sickening as a sports fan as watching LeBron lovers in my area of Northeast Ohio fawn over No. 23 and continue to apologize for his shortcomings and lack of killer instinct 24/7. You can debate whether Bron Bron should have shot the ball or passed it to Donyell Marshall for a potential game-winning three-pointer in the final seconds of Monday night’s game, but that play is just one piece of a much bigger puzzle. As talented as LeBron James is, he doesn’t inspire that same “we can’t lose, he won’t allow it” confidence that stars like Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird or even Dwayne Wade and Tim Duncan do. True superstars possess an infallible, unfailing will to win that will not accept failure and for that reason, they compel their teams to win games they shouldn’t win just on sheer willpower. Watching Cavs games, I don’t get the feeling that the Cavs will win games they have no business winning because James is there. He has the talent to be that player, but not the killer instinct and tenacity. He mails in games regularly and most other games, he puts it on cruise control for the first half or so and then figures he can't flip the switch and pull through in the end. In other words, he spends more time worrying about being cool and smooth than he does about going balls to the wall and ripping the other team’s heart out. The Cavaliers reflect his personality because he’s their leader, and as a result they can never drop the hammer on opponents when it’s necessary. The Cavaliers will be fortunate to win two games in this series because the Pistons do have that killer instinct and they have guys who will go with reckless abandon after the W every game.

- If you’ve read this blog for more than a few days, you know that I love riots, demonstrations and citizen vs. police clashes worldwide. I love the average man or woman giving the proverbial middle finger to The Man, so there’s no way I could not love this next story, courtesy of the town of Singur, India. About 200 villagers in Singur clashed with police on Monday for a second straight day as the citizens continued to voice their displeasure for the new factory that is to be built in their town. The villagers want more compensation from the government for land acquired to build the factory on, so they tried to break down the boundary wall around the site where Tata Motors Inc. is building a small car factory. No counts of injuries or arrests were immediately available, but this is a class struggle of the little guy versus the government and big business, and I’m rooting for the villagers in Singur to get what they deserve - better compensation for the land the government took from them.

- The Piece of Crap Club is proud to induct John Orlowski as its newest member. Orlowski was able to bypass the normal waiting period that esteemed clubs like sports halls of fame have for induction because his crime is so heinous, so deplorable and so reprehensible that he not only qualifies for immediate induction but he’s quite possibly among the worst one percent of people in the club. This scumbag attempted to hire a hit man to whack his entire family, including his 7-year-old daughter, and told the hit man that he had no qualms about having his family killed as long as the killer agreed to several stipulations as to how the murders would be done. Orlowski’s requests were as follows: his wife and mother-in-law were each to be shot twice in the head, while the 7-year-old daughter was to be shot in the chest. Now, Orlowski is facing murder-for-hire charges after the mother of the gang member who Orlowski hired to do the murders called the FBI. Personally, I don’t care if the death penalty is normally reserved for people who have actually carried out or organized murders-for-hire, but Orlowski needs to get the gas chamber even if no one has died in this plot. He’s absolutely a piece of garbage and clearly has no conscience, and our planet would be a better place without him inhabiting it.

- Talk about your hollow threats…..the W. administration has begun hinting that it will reconsider its support in Iraq if Iraqi leaders don’t make major reforms and progress by the fall. The Iraqi government in turn has allegedly begun formulating plans for dealing with a quick U.S. military withdrawal from their country. Am I the only one who laughed out loud at this news? Does anyone actually believe that W. has the brains or the balls to end this war and bring the American troops home? That would mean admitting he’s been wrong about this situation and that he actually has been wasting time, money, lives, more money and more lives on a pointless, unjustified war. This comes even as Democrats in Congress appear to be capitulating to W.’s demand for a war-funding bill without troop-withdrawal language in it. So other than vacant, meaningless words from our Tool in Chief that we might pull our troops out of Iraq if they don’t meet some vague, amorphous “progress” guidelines that probably don’t even exist. Don’t waste your time on those contingency plans, Iraqi government, I really, really doubt you’re ever going to need them.

A Pakistani sex change scandal, another woman-beating athlete and is it adios for Alberto G.?

- In a story almost too salacious to be true, a Pakistani couple were arrested by police on charges of lying to a judge about the gender of the husband, who was born female and had a sex-change operation 16 years ago. Shumail Raj, 31, originally went to court to seek protection for his wife amid harassment from her family, but the High Court discovered Raj’s past and their reaction was swift and severe, to say the least. Raj and his bride allege they married in order to prevent her from being sold into marriage to settle her uncle’s gambling debts, while the bride’s father wants their marriage annulled because the sex-change operation Raj had done is against the principles of Islam. So to review, we have a gender-switching husband marrying a woman to keep her from being used as a marker to cover uncle’s gambling debt and the father of the bride wants the marriage annulled on religious grounds. If only there were a Pakistani Jerry Springer Show, we could settle this the right way……..

- Raise your hand if you view duct tape as an effective and acceptable method of discipline for an unruly toddler……….anyone? Nobody? Well you may know that using such methods is a no-no, but nobody sent that memo to the now-infamous über-abusive childcare worker daycare worker in Tulsa, Okla., who bound a 2-year-old boy’s hands with masking tape when he would not be quiet at nap time. The woman, who was caring for eight children under the age of seven at the time, called for an ambulance and tried to perform CPR, but the toddler died anyhow. Now, this sad excuse for a human being is facing murder charges, and it’s hard to feel any sympathy for her no matter what the punishment ends up being. Again, since not everyone seems to get this, your options when a child won’t stop crying are: 1) have someone else watch the child and go for a long walk to calm down, 2) put the child in their bed/crib and sit down in another room and try to relax, 3) buy yourself a heavy bag, put it up in the corner and pound out some stress on an inanimate object without doing any harm to the child. Any solutions involving masking tape, duct tape, electrical tape, zip ties, rope or other means of subduing the child or any other means of inflicting physical or emotional harm on them are not acceptable, ever. Thanks for your attention……

- With all the shenanigans and screw-ups going on in the W. administration, there should be high-ranking government officials resigning or being fired on a weekly basis. That isn't happening, unfortunately, but it looks like a high-up member of the administration may in fact be resigning soon. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales may resign, and let me be the first to say: yippee! While Alberto isn't the one I would most like to see resign (nope, that would be you, W.), he definitely needs to go for the shady, deceitful, wrong and quite possibly illegal method in which he conducted the firing (and attempted cover-up) of eight attorneys general whose politics didn’t jive with the administration’s views. Now, the ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., says he believes Gonzales may resign before the Senate can even hold its planned no-confidence vote in him. I’m not sure why there needs to be an official vote on this, because anyone who has been following this whole saga already has zero confidence in Alberto and his ability to be a competent Attorney General. Good riddance, Alberto, you’re an absolute joke and America would be no worse off if a chimp served in your post for the rest of the W. administration.

- Continuing a disturbingly high rate of professional athletes assaulting women, New York Jets defensive back/kick Justin Miller has been charged with third-degree assault after punching a woman in an incident at a New York City club over the weekend. Miller was in an altercation with another man and when he swung his fist, the other guy ducked and Miller accidentally punched the female bystander instead. On the football field, you can get away with accidentally hitting the wrong guy when going in for the tackle on a ball carrier, but Miller needs to be able to get himself in check in social settings because there, the rules are different. You aren’t going after another player in pads with a helmet; you’re around unarmed, unprotected people who aren't actually expecting to be hit. Also, Miller might want to familiarize himself with the new crackdown policy that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has for lawbreaking players, because he’s about to experience the commish’s wrath firsthand. Goodell has brought the hammer on assaulters, illegal-gun-havers and miscreants of all kinds in the NFL. You get arrested for a crime, you’re going to hear from Goodell as well as the police. Miller had better make sure that whatever charges he is convicted on for this incident are the only criminal charges he sees for the rest of his NFL career, otherwise that career will be a short one. Just ask Pacman Jones if you don’t believe me………….

More crooked cops, more indifference to hockey and a TV trend I can use less of

- As a Chicago Cubs fan, you become immune and numb to nearly every possible type of disaster that could befall a baseball time because to cheer for the Cubs is to embrace a life of disappointment. Still, no five words strike sheer terror into my heart like hearing, “Wood to test arm Monday.” Wood would be Kerry Wood, the pitcher who burst onto the scene with a scintillating 20-strikeout game in 1998 and hasn’t been able to stay consistently healthy since. Now Wood is attempting to come back from his 488th stint on the disabled list and Monday will be the time he tests his arm for that, er, blows out another muscle, joint or ligament and heads back to the DL. Seriously, this dude would be the most fragile, injury-prone hurler ever….if not for the fact that his porcelain-bodied teammate Mark Prior already holds that title. Thankfully, Wood is operating on a one-year contract with the Cubs, so once he blows out his arm again and goes back on the DL for the remainder of the season, the Cubs can finally cut ties with him once and for all after this year ends. And if by chance Wood’s throwing session Monday doesn’t end in disaster, Cubs fans need not be too excited, because with this guy, every day and every activity is another chance for an injury. This is, after all, a guy whose last stint on the DL came after a fall getting out of his home’s hot tub.

- Great to see Jimmy Carter taking a break from his humanitarian work to engage in another worthwhile activity: excoriating our inept leader, W. Carter labeled the W. administration as “the worst in history” in international relations, which is surprising not because it’s untrue but rather because Carter is not the type to throw around that kind of criticism lightly. He also took a run at W. for his environmental policies and faith-based initiative funding, but I think the focus belongs squarely on the “worst in history” blast. This may shock you, but I have to contend with Carter over his analysis. I don’t think you should be calling the W. administration the worst in history in international relations because, let’s face it, this administration is just simply the worst in history, without any qualifiers attached to that label. You can't just focus on the ineptitude in international relations, nor on the shady environmental policies or initiative funding. There are plenty of other points to quibble on, things like warmongering, repeatedly lying to the American public, the scandal with Alberto Gonzales, etc. Let’s not ignore all the other low-quality work this administration has put together and limit criticisms to one specific area. Give them the (dis)credit they’re earned across the whole spectrum or don’t bother criticizing them at all.

- Because so many of my favorite TV shows have been cancelled the past couple of years, I’ve been able to pick up on a disturbing and absolutely retarded development in the world of television: the straddle-the-fence season/series finale combo platter. This is a practice that has become all too common as networks near the end of a season with a particular show and can't make a decision as to whether that show will be back the following season. Thus, the show’s producers and writer’s are forced to craft a finale that could ostensibly be just a capper to the season and set up the next one and could serve as the end of the series, period. The problem with this is that these are two mutually exclusive concepts and the way you end a season is drastically different than the way you end a series. Take, for example, Gilmore Girls, which just concluded a seven-year run and got the season/series finale treatment. Because the show’s two stars, Alexis Bledel and Lauren Graham, kept stringing out contract negotiations, the network wasn’t able to say that the last show of this season was also the series finale at the time it was filmed. Thus, the show’s execs had to straddle the fence and create a show that attempted to function on two levels. When it was decided that the series was to end this season, the finale ended up with a rushed, hollow, schmaltzy, unresolved feel that wasn’t at all what you would want for the final show ever in a wonderful, wonderful series. The same thing is about to happen to Veronica Mars, which will meet its premature end tomorrow night on the same CW network. I’m not sure what the solution is, maybe a drop-dead date for deciding if a series will continue, a date well in advance of shooting for the finale so things can be wrapped up properly……..all I know is that these rushed, hackneyed, half-baked farewells for great shows need to stop.

- I ignore hockey, most of America ignores hockey, and now NBC is following suit. The network made the decision on Saturday to preempt Game 5 of the NHL Eastern Conference finals as the game went to overtime so they could……………show horsies warming up for a race. Yes, NBC felt its commitment to pre-race coverage for the Preakness Stakes was more important than showing a hockey game in which one team (not sure which one, nor do I give a crap) could win the series and advance to the Stanley Cup Finals. I’m on record as saying that horse racing isn't even a sport because the central participants aren't even human and the only humans involved are midgets beating the horsies with a whip, so I find it absolutely laughable that NBC would cut away from what is, at least in the hockey world, an incredibly important game to show not the actual Preakness Stakes, but more than one hour of pre-race crap, basically horses walking around and in their stalls. Yeah, but you’re still relevant and valued, hockey fans and advocates. Your sport is in no way a punch line, a forgotten relic or an inconsequential frivolity on the fringes of the sports landscape. You all had just better hope that when the Stanley Cup Finals roll around that NBC doesn’t have one of those dog long jumping contests to show, because then you’ll really be screwed.

- Some men and women get into law enforcement to make a difference and to make our cities and neighborhoods safer, while some get into it to scam off the very criminals they’re putting behind bars. Count New York City police officers Hector Alvarez and Miguel Castillo into the latter group. These two integrity-deficient individuals were jailed over the weekend in New Jersey on accusations of attempting to steal drugs and money from a suspected drug dealer. The pair of bungling, dishonest cops has been charged with attempted kidnapping, armed robbery and armed burglary, which I’m guessing they knew were wrong, seeing as they are police officers themselves. The motto, I believe, it “Protect and serve,” not “Profit and self-serve.” Get it right next time, officers………..

The Bengals fight back, a zoo gorilla does the same and another dumb criminal needs my help

- The Bengals are back, baby! Commissioner Roger Goodell can try to bring down the disciplinary hammer in the NFL and rid the league of criminal talents that the Bengals seem to possess in massive quantities, but the criminal spirit will not be snuffed out. Bengals linebacker A.J. brought an end to the team’s incredibly disappointing period of good behavior and no arrests on Friday by getting picked up by the cops on a domestic violence charge. This wouldn’t officially be another Bengal to find his way to the inside of a jail cell; Nicholson was already among the Bengals who have arrested in the past year. Still, it restores my faith in the team to see a player willing to stand up and do his part in maintaining the Bengals’ rep even as the NFL is trying to keep these guys from being who they truly are - felons. Yes, A.J. will face a suspension if he’s convicted on these new charges, and perhaps that will cause some on-field trouble for the team, but what’s a little difficulty when it accomplishes something of worth? Actually, the NFL and the legal system might be better served to see this situation as a chance to try something new. Since an inordinately high number of crimes and arrests take place with Bengal players, the ideal solution is something I have devised: a combination courthouse/jail/stadium complex for the team. There’s already a nice, new stadium in place, so what needs to happen now is to build on the courthouse portion of the structure, then convert the Bengals’ locker room into the jail portion of the facility. Slam some bars and metal-frame beds in each locker space, hang some prison-orange jumpsuits into each player’s locker and you’re good to go. This way, everything is consolidated into one place and with each new Bengal arrest, the player in question can be jailed, tried and held in the same place, all the while able to continue playing football and not having to miss any practice time. Heck, consider practice each day to be their yard time, and when they’re at the facility, players eat together in a dining hall a la prison anyhow, so this all works beautifully. Actually, I’m rather proud of myself for coming up with the concept to begin with…………

- Good thing I wasn’t in attendance at the CW upfront on Thursday, because I can pretty much guarantee that if I had been, you would have seen the first-ever death-by-beating-with-a-microphone of a network executive, namely the CW’s Dawn Ostroff. I would have had no choice but to take the microphone she was using on the dais and repeatedly crack her over the head with it, WWE-style, until I’d beaten the stupid right out of that wench. My anger would be well justified, though, as Thursday made official the one billionth in an never-ending series of horrifically bad programming decisions made by Ostroff and her staff of intellectually stunted minions: the cancellation of the network’s best remaining series, Veronica Mars. Mars was the smartest, most cleverly written, funny and interesting series the CW had, especially after the ending of Gilmore Girls (more on that shortly). Its ratings weren't through the roof, yet it was steady and praised by anyone who took time to watch it for more than a few seconds. Now, it’s inexplicably canceled, meaning that in a little over a year, Ostroff and Co. have managed to kill of the three best shows on their network and leave only one good show, Smallville, on its fall schedule. When asked if Mars was officially dead, my least-favorite executive admitted, “Veronica Mars is over, but we're talking about something else. I don't know if it's going to be anything. I'm being honest with you. It could come back in some form, but I don't know what form that would be.” Wow, that’s, umm……….uninspiring. Of course, it’s not as bad or insulting as the totally backhanded compliment Ostroff “paid” to the one of the two or three best shows on TV the past seven years (and no, fans of Lost, Grey’s Anatomy, 24, your shows aren't the best, sorry) Gilmore Girls: “While we're sad to see Gilmore Girls go,” she said "the truth is Beauty and the Geek actually performed better among young adult viewers.” What a heartfelt/bitchy tribute that was! Way to show appreciation for a show, including cast, crew and fans, who invested so much over the past seven years. Hey bitch, at least try to sound appreciative for the show and what it meant to so many people, even if the first six years were on the WB network, which was one of the two that merged to form the CW. In case you haven’t gotten the message by now, I really, really, really hate Dawn Ostroff and like many TV fans I’ve heard talk about this, I’m all but done with the CW network. I’ll watch Smallville as long as it’s on, but I won't be tuning in to any new CW shows ever, and once Smallville is over, so is my relationship with the CW.

- Yesterday I ruminated about creating my own seminar for those aspiring to craft a successful criminal plot, with the thinking being that most people who commit crimes reveal themselves to be Grade-A morons who couldn’t outthink a gold fish. Well, I need to inform you that if you want to register for the seminar, you’re gonna need to do it soon because spaces are being filled quickly. Our latest registrant is Johnnie Jerome Kerns, 29, of Springfield, Mo. Mr. Kerns decided that in order to terrorize his ex-wife, he would kidnap her child from a different marriage. After kidnapping the 5-year-old girl, Kerns tossed her off a bridge into the freezing waters of a nearby lake where two fishermen found and rescued her. Now, Kerns faces five felony charges, including kidnapping, child abuse and assault. All of this because he was pissed at his ex-wife and couldn’t think of a creative way to get back at her that wouldn’t land him in prison. The very first lesson in my criminal plotting seminar, by the way, deals with analyzing the cost-benefit ratio of any plan so you don’t end up in just this type of situation. Something along the lines of threatening phone calls from a pay phone or stealing the tires off of her car would have been a more appropriate tact here, as they would not have Kerns facing five freaking felony charges.

- See kids, this is why you don’t taunt and harass the gorillas when you visit your local zoo. A 400-pound gorilla at a zoo in Netherlands got loose and ended up injuring four people in a violent rampage. The zoo, located in the city of Rotterdam, was evacuated and authorities eventually captured the AWOL ape in one of the zoo’s restaurants, where he was destroying the kitchen in protest of the exorbitant prices charged for sodas and hot dogs. OK, so I made that last part up, but the 11-year-old gorilla named Bokito was indeed captured at a zoo restaurant after his outburst, which included biting a woman and dragging her around the zoo. For those of you looking to avoid this particular zoo on your next visit to the Netherlands, it’s the Diergaarde Blijdorp Zoo where this happened. No word on whether the woman who was bitten by the gorilla was making funny faces or taunting Bokito by holding food outside his cage, just beyond the animal’s reach. It would also be wise for the zoo to stop showing its gorillas King Kong DVDs, it’s just a bad influence on them.

- eBay is a great place to sell your knick-knacks, toys, electronics, etc., but I really don’t understand why celebrities ever bother selling wildly expensive merchandise on the online auction site. Inevitably, some joker thinks he’ll be sooooo funny and bid $20 million dollars on the item, which of course he can't afford to pay and the celebrity just ends up looking like a tool for trying to cheap out and sell their item on eBay instead of holding an actual legitimate auction and a reputable auction house. Actor John Schneider, who is known to those of you from the way back as Bo Duke on the original Dukes of Hazzard series and as Jonathan Kent for the first five seasons of the hit TV series Smallville, tried to sell the famous orange “01” car that the Dukes of Hazzard made famous on the popular ‘80s show. Predictably, a ginormous tool put up a $10 million bid on the car, only to have it revealed that the bid was a hoax. Schneider will re-list the car on eBay, but this time bidders will have to prove up front that they can pay. Should’ve gone to Christie’s or Sotheby’s, Johnny, you could have saved a lot of trouble.

What I can teach aspiring criminals, why you shouldn't defend wife-beating baseball players and what the worst people in America have been up to

- Earlier this week, I wrote that no one cares about cycling now that Lance Armstrong is retired and that Floyd Landis should stop prolonging the fight to clear his name of steroid-usage allegations and just fade gracefully into, as Mike Tyson would say, Bolivian. Well, I have to man up and admit I was wrong, because if Landis was going to force the issue and continue the battle, he may as well go big and that’s just what happened on Thursday. Landis’ manager, well his former manager now, William Geoghegan decided that former Tour de France winner and American cycling legend Greg LeMond testifying at Landis’ hearing before officials from anti-doping agencies would be a bad thing. Based on this belief, Geoghegan, formulated a plan - more precisely, he formulated the worst plan in the history of criminal-activity planning. Geoghegan decided that in order to prevent LeMond from testifying, he would call LeMond and pretend to be an uncle of LeMond’s who had sexually abused him when LeMond was eight years old, after which he would threaten to reveal the details of their sexual interactions to the public if LeMond testified. The problem with this plan other than it being despicable, slimy, disgusting and revolting on a colossal level? Geoghegan made the call from his own freaking cell phone, meaning it took about five minutes for the police to trace the call. Well done, Mensa, you always want to use one of the most easily traced methods of communication when phoning in a sexual assault revelation threat to a witness in a case against your friend. Mix in a pay phone and something over the receiver to distort your voice, Willy, at least then the police won't have hard proof that you made the call even though all circumstantial evidence would point in your direction. How scary is it that I (a person who has never committed a crime in his life) could give a seminar on how to formulate a successful criminal plot and it would actually be informative and beneficial to the overwhelming majority of the losers who actually do commit criminal acts in this country? Along with the gaggle of goons Tonya Harding employed to whack Nancy Kerrigan at the Olympic Trials a few years ago, Geoghegan has to be considered one of the biggest morons to hatch a criminal plot anywhere, ever.

- I’m as excited as any American to see the rebuilding and reconstruction going on at the site of the World Trade Center project in downtown Manhattan, but is it too much to ask that the process occur without dropping 15-foot pipes through the roofs of firehouses in the area? Thanks, I and the firemen who were injured by the falling pipe appreciate your consideration. Demolition work was being done on the former Deutsche Bank building this week when the renegade piece of metal sprinkler pipe fell from the building’s 35th floor through the roof of Engine 10/Ladder 10. The firehouse, coincidentally, was almost destroyed in the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attack. Nice to know the building survived the worst terrorist attack in the history of our nation but some lackluster demolition crew can nearly take it out. Neither of the firefighters injured in the incident are seriously harmed and both should recover fully, but I for one believe firefighters and people of all professions should be able to go about their daily business in their workplace without fear of huge pieces of pipe crashing through the roof and crushing them. Let’s go ahead and make that a rule we all live and abide by, k?

- Time to enter the name of another finalist into the contest for the worst parent in America for 2007! Rosie Costello of Tacoma, Wash., come on down! Rosie, it seems, decided that the best way to support her two children wasn’t getting a job and earning the money, but rather to coach her children to fake mental retardation so she could collect disability benefits for them. Costello was convicted in U.S. District Court of conspiracy to defraud the government and Social Security fraud and will now serve three years in prison. Her son Pete Costello, 28, was sentenced last week to 13 months in prison for his role in the scam. Investigators have not been able to locate Rosie Costello’s daughter Marie, but when they find her, she’ll face similar charges. Hope you’re very proud of yourselves, Costello family, taking money that’s intended for mentally retarded people who really are handicapped and can’t care for themselves. I’m sure they appreciate able-bodied people faking retardation and making a mockery of their condition. The Costellos would be the most despicable, deceitful and duplicitous pieces of crap in today’s post if not for……….

- On the surface, it might appear wrong and insensitive to protest the suspension of two major leaguers from their respective teams after being charged with assault on their wife or girlfriend…..and it would appear that way once you considered the matter further. Still, the Major League Baseball Players Association filed grievances Thursday to protest the suspensions of Seattle Mariners pitcher Julio Mateo and Arizona Diamondbacks infielder Alberto Callaspo. Mateo was arrested in New York when the Mariners were in town to play the Yankees and police responded to a call from a Manhattan hotel where Mateo and his wife were staying. The cops found a woman, revealed to be Mrs. Mateo, in need of five stitches to close a wound to her mouth and they booked good ol’ Julio on a charge of third-degree assault. He posted bond and was released, but the team optioned him to the minor leagues and suspended him for 10 days without pay for missing that day’s game. Callaspo was placed on the restricted list without pay (i.e. suspended without pay) by his team, the D-Backs, after he was taken into custody on suspicion of misdemeanor assault against his wife and felony criminal damage. He too was released from jail following a hearing, but like Mateo he stands to lose a decent chunk of change if the suspension from his team holds up. You can make the case that a person’s conduct outside of work shouldn’t subject them to punishment at work, and partially that’s true. However, the NFL has already made a point of saying that guys who get into trouble off the field and drag the league down in the mud with them will face ramiprecussions from the league. Also, Mateo and Callaspo were both unavailable to their teams because of their legal troubles, so that colors the situation as well. Lastly, you’re going to have a hard time cultivating any sympathy at all for a guy who is accused of physically assaulting his wife, fiancée, girlfriend, etc. Take your punishment like men, Julio and Alberto, and then start acting like men by stopping your abuse of your wives.

- Working at a funeral home has to be one of the more difficult, challenging jobs around. Working with dead bodies, grieving families and being surrounded by death all day, every day absolutely would take a toll on you. That being said, if you are going to work at a funeral home, you need to conduct yourself with a modicum of dignity and honor. I shouldn’t have to say this, but I do because of three funeral home directors in Rochester, N.Y. who, along with four former employees of a biomedical supply company, have been indicted on charges of body stealing, unlawful dissection and related counts after removing skin, bones and other body parts from dozens of corpses awaiting cremation. Seems clever, right, because if the body is being cremated, who’s going to know anyhow? So maybe there are a few less ashes in the urn, who cares, right, because you’ve got most of your loved one in there. Either that or you’re a despicable, loathsome piece of garbage who can't give the most basic, fundamental respect to the remains of a dearly departed loved one as their final request for cremation is being carried out. You can't conspire with some biomedical supply employees to give them body parts off corpses to line your pockets at the expense of those you’re supposed to be serving. Here’s hoping that when all of seven of you body-part-snatching scumbags die (sooner rather than later if you live the rest of your lives with the same lack of character and integrity you’ve shown here) that those dealing with your remains show more class and respect than you were able to muster.