Friday, May 13, 2016

The Rock + Jack Black + Jumanji, 2 a.m. bagel truck thefts and war on touchdown celebration balloons


- Want to lay hands on the lions at the 200-acre Lion Park in Johannesburg, South Africa? Act now because soon enough, visitors will be barred from petting lion cubs at the suburban wildlife park in South Africa. It’s a change that comes in the face of growing concern about the treatment of lions in captivity. Park spokesman Scott Simpson said that tourist interaction with lions, including petting cubs and walking with the predators, has attracted negative publicity and is "going out of fashion." Yes, but you run a wildlife park where lions are the prime attraction and while going to a park to see them does reduce one’s chances of getting eaten as opposed to seeing them in the wild, it’s still going to be a bummer next month when the Lion Park moves to a larger area with a bigger focus on wildlife-viewing from vehicles with guides. Lion-petting haters claim it has no conservation value and is detrimental to the cubs, which don't learn how to survive in the wild and lose fear of humans, increasing the risk of an attack. Coddling the lions in a cushy wildlife park could have that same effect and many wildlife advocates would probably love the idea of not keeping the animals in captivity at all, but there are going to be a whole lot of disappointed families who already have their trip to South Africa booked and have been dreaming of getting up-close time with some cuddly future killing machines………


- Nebraska football hasn’t been scoring touchdowns at its usual high rate in recent seasons. Yet its decline in scoring hasn’t come expediently enough for one Nebraska resident who wants to bring an end to a longstanding program tradition. Omaha resident Randall S. Krause wants to Huskers put an end to their tradition of releasing balloons into the air after the team's first touchdown and has filed a lawsuit against the university to stop the practice. This killjoy argues in his lawsuit that the red balloons pose a threat to both young children and wildlife after they fall back to Earth. Yes, attacking balloons. Falling balloons killing children? Unlikely theory and given that Nebraska currently uses biodegradable natural latex and cotton strings in its balloons, this just seems like a crotchety old dude looking for something to complain about. Hell, Krause isn't even the first person to oppose the tradition and yet, for some reason this kook believes he will succeed where a Nebraska environmentalist who started an online petition opposing the practice in 2014 failed. That petition crashed and burned with a mere 587 signatures, falling short of its 1,000-signature goal. According to Wet Blanker Krause, the 50-plus year tradition basically amounts to "the open dumping of solid waste," which violates environmental laws. The university is aware of the suit, but refused to comment publicly, which is in this case entirely appropriate because the person filing the suit is an unmitigated and undeniable moron……..


- Some days, you just wanna get drunk, steal a truck full of bread products and go for a spin at 2 a.m. No one needs to tell that to Ashley Goldson, a Florida resident and future prison inmate who (while probably liquored up or peaking on an illegal substance) pilfered a Bagel King delivery truck in Orlando around 2:15 a.m., taking the truck at a RaceTrac gas station on Edgewater Drive near Lee Road while the driver was refueling. If someone is driving a truck delivering baked goods at 2 a.m., their life probably already sucks enough without turning around to see some ass hat speeding away in that truck, but it didn’t take long to track the vehicle down. It was soon spotted on I-4 near Lee Road, and a deputy followed the truck in his unmarked vehicle, with several marked cruisers following from a distance, the Orange County Sheriff's Office said. The bagel-venture took the stolen truck through Seminole and Volusia counties, where other law enforcement agencies assisted, before Goldson’s path was blocked near Doyle Road in Deltona without incident. It would have been quality viewing for locals if this had happened during rush hour, but the odds of having a news helicopter out to follow a speeding box truck at nearly 3 a.m. are low and the odds of anything other than tweakers and insomniacs being awake to see it are lower still. To top off the absurdity of this mess, a K-9 unit was used to help apprehend Goldson, who was taken to the Volusia County Jail. Bagel King got its truck back along with a healthy dose of free publicity and Goldson got to wake up with (probably) a massive hangover, a pressing need for quality legal representation and 15 minutes of unwanted fame……..


- There are some movies even The Rock’s tree-like arms and Greek column-like legs cannot make interesting. The highest-grossing actor in the world last year seems to be appearing in even more movies this year, but it’s the revelation that he’s going to be teaming up with perpetual goofball Jack Black in a reboot of “Jumanji” that will put Dwayne Johnson’s acting abilities to the test. Johnson posted a photo on Instagram confirming that Black will join him and frequent sidekick Kevin Hart in a new version of the 1995 original.  “An ol' friend is ready to play in the world of #JUMANJI... Jack (mf'n) Black," Johnson wrote. "Been a big fan of his work over the years. A brilliant actor who I'm confident will turn in a performance of a lifetime for JUMANJI. (when we reveal his character you'll understand;). In our reimagining of the story of JUMANJI, Jack brings that rare balance of cool with funny and edge with childlike joy. The "Jumanji Breakfast Club" is coming together.. myself, Jack (mf'n) Black and Kevin Hart." It’s cute that Johnson believes that the remake will honor the star of the original, the late Robin Williams, but the fact is that even Williams couldn’t make that film great and he was a fantastic, memorable actor who could lift a lot of movies out of the doldrums. The fantasy comedy is based on a children’s book of the same name by Chris Van Allsburg, who wrote a book about a magical board game that comes to life and brings ll manner of wild animals and colorful, dangerous characters to life for the players to deal with, forcing them to complete the game in order to restore order to their world. Johnson has clearly been working to build his brand with action films and light-hearted quasi-action dramas, but this is not one of his better role choices. Williams, who died in 2014, has plenty of other, better films Johnson could choose and while his roles in “The Scorpion King” and the “Fast & Furious” series haven't exactly been Oscar fodder in terms of their scripts or content, going for a CGI-heavy, campy movie like “Jumanji” alongside Black and Hart feels like a swing and miss in the making………

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