- Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro is doing quite well in replacing
the late despot Hugo Chavez. By virtue of not being one of the world’s most
heinous dictators, he has an edge on Chavez. However, he may want to do some
work on his public speaking, as evidenced by a gaffe this week that saw him
inadvertently rewriting biblical history. With one simple slip of the tongue,
he managed to take the story of a miracle by Jesus and turn it into a plot line
out of a bad porn flick made for $5,000 in Chatsworth, Calif. Maduro muddled
the reference by multiplying loaves and “penises” instead of loaves and fishes.
During his speech about education, he said, “to multiply ourselves like Christ
multiplied the penises – sorry the fish and the bread.” In addition to
displaying to children just how important a good education is and helping them
learn an old story like they never have, Maduro became a Twitter punching bag
for many. The Spanish word for "penises" (penes) is just a letter
away from the word for “fish” (peces) which may help to explain his gaffe - it
just won't earn him any leeway with the haters who have been lighting him up
and meme-ing him to oblivion ever since. His mistake came as he was outlining
his plans to expand the country’s education program to a crowd at the Miranda
stadium, in the country’s capital, Caracas, although perhaps expectations
should have been a bit lower for a man dressed in an Adidas track suit in the
bright red, blue and yellow colors of the Venezuelan flag. The best speeches
are rarely made in track suits, even if Maduro did vow that his government
would "go in school by school, child by child, high school by high school,
community by community — to embed ourselves in there.” You’ll do better next
time, Nick………
- Why did that take so long? That’s the question begged by
news that Britney Spears has hired a vocal coach as she prepares for
her latest comeback. She doesn’t have a shred of actual vocal talent and never
has, making one wonder why she didn’t hire a coach sooner so she might have
been able to creep up on mediocre every now and then. A spokesman for the
past-her-prime pop tart confirmed the news. "Britney has been using a
vocal coach and going to regular sessions and has also been working hard with
her choreographer in preparation for what's coming up,” the spokesman said. "With album
eight on its way and a rumored Las Vegas residency in the pipeline, eagle-eyed
fans have spotted that all of Britney's social networks have adopted a
blacked-out theme... the mystery continues.” Spears recently teased
fans with the prospect of a big announcement by unveiling a mysterious
countdown on her official website and
“ALL EYES ON ME” are the only words on the page, which has a clock that is
under three weeks until whatever the hell is supposed to happen. Charli XCX has confirmed that she has written and submitted a new song for
Britney Spears forthcoming new album and is one of many rumored contributors
for the project. "I've been doing some writing for the Britney record. I
was freaking out. I didn't even want to go to the session I was so excited. I
was so worried I would fuck it up," Charli XCX said. "I was doing
some stuff for that yesterday actually. Who knows how it will go. We've written
one song and it's a great track and if she likes it then amazing. It was just
an honor to be asked." Spears will reportedly take her lack of talents to the
studio soon to work with her producer and collaborators Naughty Boy, Blood Orange, William Orbit, Sia and
will.i.am………
- Milwaukee was a crowded place this weekend and
motorcycle rallies can create a scarcity for places to stay. A motorcycle gang
from nearby Michigan found a solution to their rooming problem from an unlikely
source. Sisters of Charity, a group of nuns living in the Land of Fried Cheese
Curds, once again opened their door to a group they would seem to have little
in common with. "My idea of a
motorcycle gang went back to the Hell's Angels," said Sister Anne Marie. That
idea changed when the Sisters of
Charity have opened the doors of their Brown Deer retreat to bikers 10 years
ago. "Motorcycle men and women are absolutely delightful," Sister
Anne Marie added. "We struck up a wonderful friendship." The past
decade has proven that the two seemingly incompatible groups are a great fit,
something Bill Carothers of the Muskegon Motorcycle Gang believes is evidence
that the two groups have more in common than many would think. "Their
charter is much in common with what ours is -- helping others less
fortunate," he said. The bikers have 23 members in their group and
Carothers added that after a deadly crash in 2012 that claimed two of their
members and injured eight others in Fond du Lac County, the tranquility of the
retreat has been a blessing for all of them. "It has been a very hard year
for everyone," he said. After spending quality time together for several
years now, the Muskegon Motorcycle Gang consider Sisters of Charity to be a
sort of extended family for them and during their time in Milwaukee, they have
even been known to take the sisters on rides around town. Maybe next year,
they’ll find a tattoo parlor nearby and convince the sisters to get some ink to
remember them by………
- No one is quite sure what the NFL was thinking with its
banners outside Sports Authority
Field at Mile High promoting Thursday night’s season opener between the Broncos and Baltimore Ravens. Well,
other than looking to generate buzz and lots of talk and succeeding, but beyond
that…who knows? The “Kickoff” banners feature the images of Broncos quarterback
Peyton Manning and Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco. Manning called the banners
"strange" this past week and angry Denver fans have questioned the
decision to use Flacco’s likeness considering he drove a dagger through their
hearts with a massive second-half comeback in the playoffs last season. When asked
about being on banners adorning the opposing team’s home stadium, even the
Super Bowl MVP with the shiny new contract admitted it was odd. "Ah, geez,
yeah, I heard," Flacco said. "Somebody texted me a few nights back,
when it first came out. I couldn't believe it. I think it's all deserved, I
don't know if it's deserved towards me, I happen to be the guy they put up
there. [But] I don't think here or anybody in our city would be too happy if we
had somebody else from a different [team] on our stadium. I wouldn't expect
anything different than all of the people in Denver to be pretty upset by
it." Fans upset by the display have created an online petition to have the
Flacco pictures and banners removed, but the advertising space in downtown was
purchased by the NFL from the Downtown Denver Partnership. The Broncos
reportedly objected to the banners, but the NFL did what it always does and
steamrolled right over those objections to do whatever the hell they felt like
doing. "We appreciate the fans' passion and their desire to protect their
team but think of this game as more of an opening ceremony, a celebration of
the new season for the entire league," NFL vice president of corporate
communications Brian McCarthy said last week. In other words, eff-off………
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