- YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I don’t believe it! The impossible has happened! An 0-16 NFL season has gone from impossible dream to tangible reality. You, Detroit Lions, have made my dream (and the dream of millions of others around the world) come true! It was a bit sketchy at times and a few clueless Lions tried their best to ruin the 16th loss, but in the end, the Lions did what they do best - whatever it takes to not win games. Sunday’s 31-21 loss to Green Bay was the capper for an amazing season of dreams, catapulting the Lions to immortality as the only team to ever lose all 16 games on its schedule. The Packers jumped out to a 14-0 first-quarter lead, but their offense went limp for the next two quarters. The Lions, led by the pesky Dan Orlovsky, came back behind two Orlovsky-to-Calvin Johnson touchdown passes, tying the score at 14-all in the third quarter. But back came Packers kicker Mason Crosby with a 36-yard field goal for the lead early in the fourth quarter; redemption for miss from 69 yards as the first half ended. Yes, I realize that the 69-yard kick would have been an NFL recorf by nine yards and mind-boggling, but in cases like this where history is on the line, heroic efforts are demanded. The field goal came after Detroit coach Rod Marinelli also tried to ruin my dream by challenging an 80-yard touchdown run by Green Bay’s Ryan Grant. Marinelli challenged that Grant was down 20 yards into the run, a claim the officials inexplicably agreed with. That left the Packers to resume the drive and all they could muster was a field goal for a 17-14 lead. After Crosby’s redemption kick, the Packers drove 51 yards in seven plays for a touchdown, a 5-yard pass from Aaron Rodgers to John Kuhn, third-year running back from tiny Shippensburg College, for a 10-point lead with 8:34 left. Big ups to Detroit linebacker Ernie Sims for his part in the drive, incurring an unnecessary roughness penalty on the drive near the 12:00 mark of fourth quarter to keep things rolling. Yet there was that damn Orlovsky, inexplicably firing back with a long TD drive, including two passes for a total of 71 yards from Orlovsky to John Standeford. Running back Kevin Smith finished the drive with an 8-yard touchdown run to bring the Lions to within 24-21 and honestly, I was in full panic mode. But my new favorite NFL player of all time, Aaron Freaking Rodgers, connected on a 71-yard touchdown pass to my second favorite NFL player, Donald Driver. That touchdown pass pushed the lead back to 10 points with 7:27 left in the game. The Lions got the ball back and tried one feeble last attempt at a drive, but there was Kevin Smith, coming through in the clutch with unsportsmanlike conduct penalty at 3:53 to atone for his touchdown run and stall out the last Lions drive of this magical season. At game’s end, I was as excited as I’ve ever been for any sporting event in my life. I perused pictures from the game and the dejected, dismayed looks of Lions players and coaches heightened my joy. There are so many people to thank for this and so I don’t miss anyone, I’ll just thank anyone who played a single snap for the Lions all year, anyone who coached for the team, was on the practice squad, worked in the front office, was a ticket taker or usher, worked in the team shop, worked in a parking lot, sold concessions or been a member of the cheerleading or dance squads. You all have come together to make a magical season that I won't soon forget, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 0-16, it feels so good…..now excuse me while I go pour some more champagne over my head and start the parade on its way…….
- See, there really are ways to have fun and unwind at college that don’t involve getting fall-down drunk, high or peaking on any sort of hallucinogen. Thanks to three dozen fun-loving students at the University of California-Berkeley, people on Level C of Main Stacks at the campus library were treated to the sight of 36 streakers rushing through the building. The stunt came during finals week, so it had to be a great diversion for all of the anal, obsessive, wound-too-tight students jamming themselves into library study carrolls cramming for finals. The naked run through the library is an annual event designed to one up the Undie Run at one of Cal’s in-state rivals, UCLA. Because it’s a tradition and hurts no one, you’d assume that the suits in the university administration would shut it down immediately, but for some odd reason, they allow it to continue without persecution. Unfortunately, not every college has a tradition like this one, so most of us miss out on this sort of fun. Maybe reading about these 36 crazy knuckleheads will inspire a few more students at schools around the country to start their own streaking tradition to break up the stress and tedium of finals week…..
- Somewhere in the Great Beyond, legendary R&B singer Rick James must be so, so proud. James, you may recall, once abducted a woman at hot crack pipe point, so I have to imagine that he would enjoy the antics of Frances Platt of Charlotte, N.C. - even if the Charlotte-Mecklenburg police officer who pulled Platt over wasn’t nearly as amused. See, this officer attempted to pull Platt over for a routine traffic stop because she was driving slowly, but she refused to pull her car over. When Platt finally did stop her car, it was at a dead end. The officer approached her car and it was at that point a brilliant idea struck Platt. She had a crack pipe in her car, she was probably high and she was about to be taken into custody by the police - so why not make use of that crack pipe while also ensuring that she would be taken into custody for and charged with something more than just driving while impaired and drug use? In a fit of inspiration, she lit up her crack pipe and stabbed the officer in the hand as he was attempting to take her into custody. Alas, hot crack pipes don’t always make the best weapons and so the officer was not seriously injured. He was treated for possible exposure, but his life is currently much better than Platt’s. She now faces several charges, including assaulting a government official, resisting a public officer, reckless driving and driving while impaired. All I can say about that is….the girl is super freaky….she’s a super freak……
- Comic book dorks, er, graphic novel enthusiasts, brace yourselves for some bad news. The judge presiding over the legal battle for distribution rights to the film version of Watchmen has ruled in favor of Fox, declaring that Warner Bros. had no right to roll film on the big screen adaptation of the Alan Moore/Dave Gibbons superhero classic. The film has been scheduled to hit theaters on March 3, but obviously that time frame is now in doubt. Fox and Warner Bros. are also in legal limbo as they wait to see if the court will determine how much Fox should get for being so wronged. There is the option of the two studios negotiating on their own to settle the matter, but with two greedy corporate entities involved, don’t bet on that. The ruling came as a surprise to industry observers, who expected the two sides to settle out of court before it got this far. Heck, the judge himself set a Jan. 20 trial date for the dispute, saying he had no intention of fulfilling the request of both parties to issue a summary judgment. Then, on Christmas Eve, Judge Gary Allen Feess reversed course and issued this ruling. He did so because Fox and Warner Bros. asked him to reconsider his previous decision and issue a summary judgment, saying that settling this thing between them was all but impossible. Their reasoning was based on the fact that on their own, they couldn’t interpret an old contract between Fox and Watchmen producer Larry Gordon. Judge Feess’ ruling indicates that the contract has given Fox the right to distribute a Watchmen movie and any new version of the franchise must first be offered Fox the chance to produce and distribute it. Feess clearly felt that neither Gordon nor Warner Bros. made any such offer to Fox, thus their incarnation of Watchmen is in violation of the contract. Dorks around the world have taken this news hard, lighting up message boards with anti-Fox diatribes and doling out threats and ultimatums that would be very scary - if they weren’t being made by pasty, pale, sickly dudes residing in their mom’s basement and playing games of Dungeons and Dragons in between readings of back issues of their favorite comic books. But Warner Bros. hasn’t given up the fight, so there may still be hopes for you dorks after all. The studio is asking Feess to “adjudicate the issue of a contractual cap on the amount of compensatory damages to which Fox is entitled.” In other words, they want the judge to decide how much they owe Fox because they hope that amount will be lower than what they would end up paying if they had to negotiate the deal themselves. Best of success with that, Warner Bros. As for you, comic book dorks, you’re just going to have to go along for the ride and hope this thing is resolved in time for your latest obsession to make it to theaters on time. If it helps, post an angry message on your favorite dork message board while you wait……
- Attention all jewel thieves in Southern California: the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department is currently in possession of an 850-pound emerald said to be worth as much as $370 million. The sheriff’s department is in custody of the ginormous stone while a court decides who really owns it, so now would be the optimum time to put together your best criminal crew and make a run at this bad boy, given that you know exactly where it is. The "Bahia Emerald" -- one of the largest ever found -- was reported stolen in September from a secured vault in South El Monte in Los Angeles County. The person reporting it stolen also claimed to be the owner, but there are federal court papers showing the emerald is at the center of a dispute between a California man who claimed ownership, a company he contracted with to sell it, and a potential buyer. The stone originally resided in Brazil, but magically made its way to a Las Vegas, Nevada, warehouse. A federal judge ordered the sheriff to hold the 180,000-carat emerald until he can decide who really owns the emerald. The story takes a twist when you factor in allegations from investigators that someone used falsified papers to remove the stone from the secured vault in California. At the heart of the case is a claim by the company hired by the owner to sell the emerald that it received a $19 million offer, but the stone’s owner attempted to cut them out of the process by selling the emerald same buyer for $75 million. In a funny twist, at one point the emerald was listed for sale on eBay for a "buy it now" price of $75 million. Right, because you’re going to receive a lot of legitimate bids that way. How do you complete a $75 million eBay transaction anyhow? PayPal? Can I send you a bank or personal check? Come to think of it, if the tools currently involved with this situation can’t do any better than throwing it up on eBay, maybe it would be better to have it in the hands of a jewel thief…..
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