- Bad move, United States government, bad move. As an avid proponent of all things pirate-y, I have to tell you that the proposal you are currently circulating at the United Nations that would allow military forces to enter Somali territory in "hot pursuit" of pirates is a bad idea. You should stop pushing that thing to the U.N. Security Council immediately. After all, what the frak is your problem with pirates, anyhow? The are fun reminders of a bygone era, roaming the high seas pillaging, plundering and making scallywags walk the plank. Yes, they steal ships that don’t belong to them and those ships contain valuable items like oil, tanks and weapons, but try to think of them as the Robin Hood of the high seas, taking from the rich and giving to…..well, themselves, but you get my point. Your proposal to expand on existing powers national navies have to enter Somalia's territorial waters is way, way out of line. Again, here America goes, trying to be the world’s police. You think people hate us now, you just wait until we’re out there, storming waters of foreign countries and persecuting the pirates, a beloved worldwide institution. Seriously, did you see the earnings for the three Pirates of the Caribbean movies? The scores of people dressed as pirates at Halloween? The logo on the helmets of the NFL’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers? The world loves them some pirate action, so I’m guessing most citizens would not be down with an initiative that could allow military forces to chase pirates onto sovereign Somali land in "hot pursuit.” Don’t bother trying to sell this as you trying to respond to a crisis that has "clearly escalated," as one senior U.N. diplomat tried to label it. To paraphrase that freak Chris Crocker who made that hilarious YouTube video in defense of the originator of the worst music of our generation, Britney Spears, “Leave the pirates alone! You’re lucky they even steal oil tankers from you bastards!” I think I speak for most people across this great nation when I urge you to forget that pirates have attacked almost 100 vessels off Somalia's coast this year and successfully hijacked nearly 40, just go on your way, U.S. government, nothing to see here…..
- It may feel like robbery at times, paying the ginormous greens fees at some golf courses, but rarely do you hear of a robbery going in the other direction at a course. Even rarer is the occasion when you can get a grown man to put a pair of underwear on his head, pack a butcher knife and attempt to rob a golf shop. Even in a good year when underwear prices are reasonable, it may only happen a dozen or so times, give or take a dozen. But in Salt Lake City, police believe that a man who donned the underwear-head costume and brandished a butcher knife to rob pro shop at the Central Valley Golf Course in South Salt Lake may have been responsible for a similar crime only one week before. How they can make that claim and act like there aren’t multiple underwear-on-head bandits roaming SLC, I don’t know, but they’re going with that.
Assistant PGA Pro Scott Flick was working at the Central Valley pro shop and initially thought the whole incident was a joke. "[He] comes at me with a plastic grocery bag in one hand and a knife in the other saying, ‘Money. Money.' And I said, 'Are you kidding me?'" Oddly enough, Flick also says the robber appeared intoxicated, stumbling around and having trouble speaking. So what to do when a drunken man with underwear on his head and a big freaking knife in his hand comes at you? For Flick, the answer was to fight back. Surveillance cameras caught the two men brawling on tape, and eventually the rumble ended up in the closet. Flick sustained cuts on on both hands and on his ear from the butcher knife, which he described as about 8 to 10 inches long. However, he was able to disarm his attacker and the knife broke in the process.
He shoved the man out the door, when two golfers chased the man with golf carts and held him down in the grass until police arrived. Right, because no self-respecting golfer would bother to chase anything on foot. No word on whether the golfers picked up the would-be robber, threw him five feet, got back in their carts and drove after him, only to repeat the process several times before reaching the nearest green. Police took the man, identified as Barry Kramer, to jail. Kramer is also a suspect in another robbery last week at Mick Riley Golf Course in the town of Murray. Now that he’s behind bars, some other non-self-respecting criminal in the SLC area is going to have to take his place, putting underwear on their head and attempting unsuccessful golf course robberies. Line forms here, everyone…..
- Nice to know that China isn’t taking over everything. Sure, no one can make lead paint-laden toys and toxic toothpaste like the Chinese, but America is still the leading exporter in at least one area: fat. Yes, we are lapping the world in flabby physiques, so much so that there is enough blubber to export to places like China. Don’t believe me? Listen to the story of Alonzo Bland of Green Bay, Wisconsin. Earlier this year, Bland’s ginormous girth had reached such a ridiculous extreme that he decided it was time to take drastic measures. Bland traveled all the way to the Aimin Fat Reduction Hospital in the Chinese city of Tianjin, where Dr. Su Zhixin and his team went to work on the fattest man they had ever seen. "Yes this is our record," Dr. Zhixin admit. So seven months ago, Bland steps off the plane Beijing Airport weighing 640 pounds and unable to take more than a few steps at a time without becoming totally exhausted. He was a man who, at one point needed an emergency tracheotomy because fat around his neck was crushing his wind pipe. Ironically, his salvation from morbid obesity came from an Internet contest, of all places. Becoming the first person to not actually get ripped off by some lame online contest, Bland entered a weight-loss competition offering a first prize of an all-expense-paid trip to one of China's most famous boot camps for the obese. He won, the contest was legit and so now he is shedding the pounds inside a drab Communist-era building, far from friends and family. Bland has lost nearly 240 pounds so far through diet, exercise and traditional Chinese medicine such as acupuncture. He hits the gym three times a week, walks every day and plays badminton.
During the past seven months, he has only been home once, for two weeks. There is still plenty of work to do to reach his target weight of 220 pounds; 180 more to go. That’s all well and good and I’m happy for Bland (living in a state that offers fried cheese curds at nearly every eatery can't help, though, so coming home will be tough), but once again, I’m happier that the U.S. is still exporting fat like nobody’s business and showing the world that if you want flabby, you know where to find it……
- Never again will German thespian Daniel Hoevels take the prop manager for granted. Hoevels nearly died this week while performing as part of a showing of Mary Stuart at Vienna's Burgtheater, a murder-mystery that nearly involved a real death - Hoevels’. In a scene where his character is stabbed, usually with a prop knife, Hoevels was actually stabbed with a real knife and with his own blood flowing from the wound on his neck, he staggered off stage and collapsed to the floor. How did a real, dangerous knife make its way into the prop collection? Well, Hoevels’ theater company says it picked up the knife in Vienna to replace one brought from their Hamburg base that was then found to be defective. Police believe that the props staff forgot to blunt that new blade, which seems somewhat plausible because the new knife still had the price tag on it. Because of that error, an actor nearly died on the stage at one of Europe's oldest and grandest theaters as an oblivious audience applaused enthusiastically (p.s.: That’s the kind of reaction I expect when O.J. Simpson finally departs this Earth). Thankfully, fellow members of Hoevels’ theater company realized that this wasn’t part of the show and he was rushed to the nearby Lorenz Bohler hospital. he survived because although the wound was severe, he hadn’t hit his main artery "Just a little deeper," said Wolfgang Lenz, a doctor who treated him, "and he would have been drowning in his own blood." Hmm, I think I’ve just found another reason to never, ever, ever go to the theater - the sight of blood makes me pass out. For all you conspiracy theorists out there, police are pooh-poohing the idea that an understudy or other rival of Hoevels’ is behind this knife-switch, saying the facts of the case point more to a foul-up than foul play. The props department of Hoevels' Thalia Theater ensemble appears to be the chief suspect in a case of stupidity, but Hoevels is ready to put the incident behind him and move on. "I am now absolutely fine again," he declared. "But I will always for the rest of my working life have a strange feeling about this scene." He barely missed a beat, stepping back into his role Sunday with a bandaged neck. After that, it was back to his hometown of Hamburg Monday to prepare for his role in Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther. Oddly enough, that play features a long-suffering title character who shoots himself in the head. If I’m my main man D. Hoevels, I’m getting nowhere near that gun, even if it’s made of plastic and says “Nerf” on the side……
- I’d like to introduce Suzanne Pardee, a spokeswoman for the Nevada Department of Corrections, who seems to be either very naïve, very stupid or both. In explaining the treatment (alleged) double murderer and confirmed kidnapper and memorabilia thief O.J. Simpson has received since heading off to jail following his conviction and sentencing for armed robbery and kidnapping, Pardee had the following gem: "You don't know who might take a pot shot at Mr. Simpson." Actually, Suzy, I do know that: everyone with a conscience, a soul or a brain. Who would take a pot shot at O.J.? How about 99.9994 percent of Americans? You should just go ahead and assume that anyone who knows the Juice would like to take a shot at him. I’m sure the Goldman family would, and I’m sure that Nicole Brown’s family would. Heck, I’d like to get a shot in on O.J., just on principle. He’s one of those guys you could walk up to and punch in the junk and be totally justified no matter the circumstances. So go ahead and keep him separated from other inmates for his own protection, sitting in a 6-by-9 cell while awaiting transfer to a Nevada prison. Pardee went on to claim that the separation is routine procedure for all new inmates, though she didn’t indicate how many new inmates have (probably) turned their ex-wife and her new boyfriend into human Pez dispensers. For now, the Juice will remain at the medium-security High Desert State Prison, 40 minutes north of Las Vegas, where he will undergo three weeks of medical and psychological testing to determine which of the seven Nevada prisons he'll be permanently placed. Whichever is best suited to house the worst dude in the history of the world, one with no soul, conscience or integrity, that’s the right choice. But for the time being, O.J. can look out the tiny, tiny window in his cell at the desolate landscape outside and enjoy his two hot meals per day and one hour of rec time in the yard. Heaven knows that after all he’s done, even those minor luxuries are infinitely more than he deserves……
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