- All finished buying your dog a sweater, designer doggy bed, a luxury dog carrier and every other ridiculous trinket that dog owners are snatching up these days for their beloved pooches? Looking to network with other likeminded, friendless losers who idiotically and erroneously refer to their dogs as their “kids” and feed them better than most humans eat? Allow me to introduce you to Doggyspace.com, a new social networking website for dog lovers that’s a cross between MySpace and YouTube, according to its creator. Not a link I’d want to make, what with MySpace being a haven for pedophiles and sexual predators, but whatever. Users of Doggyspace.com can create profiles, share photos and videos and chat with other losers who have no friends and thus dote on their dogs like actual human beings. In a stat that doesn’t speak well for the ladies out there, approximately 73 percent of the site’s 700 current members are women. Thankfully 73 percent of 700 comes to only 438, so it’s not a widespread indictment of the female population. It is, however, a sweeping indictment of every single person who has, is, or will ever use the site…..
- I used to think George Lucas lived in the state of California. Now I know that he actually lives in a much different, much more distant state: a state of delusion. The erstwhile creator of Star Wars and also a huge part of the Indiana Jones movies clearly dint get the message about how bad the latest installment of the latter movie franchise is. Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a terrible movie and damn near ruined the entire series for many people, yet Lucas is talking like a fifth Indy flick is something he’s seriously considering. Despite Harrison Ford being too old to still pull off the role of brawling, charming action hero/archaeologist, Lucas insists that a fifth Indiana Jones movie is a distinct possibility. One point I will agree with Lucas on is that no one else can fill the role and that when Ford is out, the franchise is as well. Problem is, that time is already here. “He is Indiana Jones. If Indiana Jones isn't in it, you’d have to call it ‘Mutt Williams and the search for Elvis.’” quipped Lucas in a recent interview. Mutt Williams is of course the name of Shia LeBouf’s character in Crystal Skull. No way he or anyone else fills Ford’s shoes. However, at this point in time there’s no way Ford can fill Ford’s shoes either. George Lucas needs top focus on tending to his legions of Star Wars dorks who are breathlessly awaiting Star Wars: The Clone Wars, both the animated movie in theaters next week and the animated series on TNT and Cartoon Network this fall. Heck, Lucas even intends to have a live-action Star Wars show soon, so just let Indiana Jones fade into oblivion and we’ll all agree to forget that Crystal Skull ever happened.
- It may not be soon enough (not when now would be about six years too late), but news that the U.S. and Iraqi governments are nearing a deal that would establish a firm date for withdrawal of all American troops from Iraq is the best news we’ve had since this God-forsaken war started so many years ago. According to Haider Al-Ababdi, a Shiite parliament member of Iraq’s Dawa Party, negotiations are ongoing but a deal is imminent between the two sides. Under the terms of the proposed deal, combat troops would leave Iraq by December 2010, with all other U.S. troops out of the country by the end of 2011. Additionally, troops would pull out of Iraqi cities by June 30, 2009 to remain at their established bases around the country. In other words, they want us the heck out of a place we never should have been to begin with and for some miraculous reason, our leaders are finally listening. Again, our troops leaving today would have been far too late, but at least 2010 and 2011 are sooner than the hundred more years that idiotic geriatric bastard John McCain vowed to stay in Iraq….
- Being a preacher’s wife is a tough spot. You receive a lot of attention because your man is a religious leader, someone who is supposed to uphold high moral and ethical standards at all times. You’re expected to do the same, so it’s a difficult position. That spotlight becomes even brighter when you are co-pastor of a megachurch along with your husband. With that in mind, being the defendant in a lawsuit that alleges you violently assaulted someone on an airplane is probably a bad idea. Such is the plight of Victoria Osteen, wife of well-known televangelist Joel Osteen, he of the ginormous teeth and hair plastered in place so strongly than a nuclear strike couldn’t dislodge it. According to the lawsuit filed by Continental Airlines air waitress Sharon Brown, Victoria Osteen accosted her on a plane prior to takeoff back in 2005. Brown claims that Osteen became enraged about a stain on her first-class seat and came after Brown. Victoria Osteen reportedly threw Brown against a bathroom door and elbowed her in the chest, causing minor injuries. Good play, Vicky. If there’s a stain on your seat in first class, you definitely don’t want to politely ask the flight crew to clean it or to relocate you to a new seat. You don’t want to try and cover it over with a towel or anything; you want to make a bee line to the nearest air waitress and (allegedly) assault her. For the attack, Osteen has already been fined $3,000 by the FAA for interfering with a member of a flight crew. She now faces the suit from Brown, which seeks damages that would amount to 10 percent of Victoria Osteen’s net worth. A steep request, since I’m sure she’s worth more than a million dollars. It’s a greedy demand that I doubt Brown will see all of, but then again, she was on the receiving end of an unprovoked attack from someone who is supposed to be a minister of God. Nice job representing your faith, V.
- Michael Eynon is going to be able to throw a lot of keggers now. As most college students are impoverished schlubs living on ramen noodles and Easy Mac, the Ohio University student is now one of the wealthier students on the Athens, Ohio campus thanks to winning the multistate Mega Millions drawing on the ticket he bought at a Shop Mart in Athens. Eynon, who is also a member of the Ohio University football team, will score a payoff of $250,000 before taxes for matching the lotto’s five numbers correctly. “It hasn't settled in yet,” he said. “I've been out throwing footballs, and it's still the same routine.” That should last as long as it takes his boys to start hitting him up for loans and asking him to pay for the kegs at their next party. The odds of matching five numbers, excluding the Mega Ball, were 1 in 3,904,701. Unfortunately for Eynon, he wasn’t able to match the Mega Ball as well, otherwise he would have won the $34 million grand prize. Instead of $34 million, Eynon will end up with $172,500 after federal and state taxes. And who better to win that money than an accounting major? Reportedly, Enyon plans to give some of the money to his family and invest the rest. According to the Ohio U. athletic department, the winnings will not affect Eynon's NCAA eligibility. That’s a relief because the boneheads at the NCAA usually have their heads so far up their asses on these issues that suspending a guy just for buying a lottery ticket is something you half expect them to do……
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