- I’ve had a lot of fun watching this season of Last Comic Standing, but I still have to say that Thursday night’s episode was seriously f’d up. The final eight comics were in Las Vegas to perform, but there was a caveat: three of them were about to be eliminated. No biggie, you say. All of them perform, then three are eliminated. Seems logical, no? Wrong. See, their performances didn’t have a damn thing to do with who was eliminated. No, that was determined by voting done after last week’s show. In other words, you were watching three people perform who were already eliminated. Basically, they were wasting everyone’s time; they just didn’t know it. Memo to NBC: if someone is eliminated, they’re not part of the show anymore. Why have three people make a totally irrelevant performance? If they knock one out of the park, you’re pissed because they were the best performer of the night and it was all for naught. Plus, host Bill Bellamy also performed - for what? First, he’s not that funny. Sorry Bill, but you’re no Jerry Seinfeld. Second, he’s not competing, nor is this the season finale where you’re pulling out all the stops. But that wasn’t the only hosting issue. I’ve managed to miss this detail because I haven’t seen every episode start to finish, but who the hell picks Fern Cotton as their stage name? Yes, Bellamy’s co-host goes by the name Fern Cotton. She’s this über-hot, leggy blond British woman in impossibly high heels, but what’s with the name? I get that your given name might not be a good fit for your career, but did you just pick a random plant and a fabric and jam them together? What is this, the Brick Tamblin method of picking a stage name? You just pick the first two things you see and bam, there you go? What, was there a fern sitting on the counter in your apartment and was your sweater at the time made of cotton? Again, I love this show and the performances by the competing comics have been great for the most part. I’m just saying that this week’s episode was a stink bomb for the most part….
- Are you happy now, smokers? Not only do you and your cancer sticks harm your own health and the health of anyone unfortunate enough to be in your immediate vicinity or downwind from you, now smoking causes aircraft carrier fires. Check that - smoking causes submarine fires that result in $70 million worth of damages to nuclear-powered aircraft carriers docked in major American cities. Naval officials revealed Wednesday that they believe smoking on board the USS George Washington was the cause of a massive fire that decimated the ship. Good, because that’s what you always want to do, light up aboard a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier. Nothing bad could happen there, mixing a lit cigarette, lots of flammable materials and the nuclear component. So go ahead and add that to the list of things smokers bring to the world, right alongside lung cancer, emphysema, chronic bronchitis, leathery faces, green skin, secondhand smoke, etc. Thanks for that smokers, without you who would we find to wreak $70 million worth of damage to our nation’s aircraft carriers? ‘Nuff said…..
- Evangelists, specifically television evangelists, have gotten a really bad rap. There are good reasons for that, mostly because of gross financial misconduct that invariably includes using monies donated for ministry to buy luxurious homes, cars and boats. However, this is the first time I can remember an evangelist getting himself into trouble for (allegedly) murdering up his wife and jamming her into his freezer. Such is the plight of Anthony Hopkins of Mobile, Alabama. Hopkins was arrested this past weekend as he preached at a church in Mobile and hauled off right in front of the congregation. Nothing like going to church, having the police break through the door mid-sermon and haul away the pastor. “Don’t worry folks, nothing to see here, just go back to learning about the Lord while we arrest the pastor for murdering his wife and keeping her corpse in his freezer.” Arletha Hopkins hadn’t even been reported missing even though no one had heard from her in three years, but someone tipped the police off and they tracked her down, wedged in between the Bomb Pops and frozen steaks. How is anyone missing for three years without someone noticing? Hard to cover for your wife not being around for three years, eh? There are only so many visits to relatives and trips to the Grand Canyon a person can make. Oh, and Anthony Hopkins must have a brass pair if he can go around preaching God’s Word and have his wife whom he killed, shoved in his freezer at home…..
- Everyone has their breaking point, that mark where they’ve had too much and just can't take it anymore. Well, I’ve reached that breaking point…..when it comes to celebrity couple names. You know what I’m talking about; those cutesy, damn annoying mash-ups of the first names of celebrity couples designed to give them a new, unified moniker that is shorter, simpler and will go nicely on the cover of a gossip magazine. I’m not sure where this trend jumped the shark for me, I just know that it’s really pissing me off now. Maybe it was zipping around TVGuide.com and seeing repeated references to “Clois,” the cutesy nickname for the upcoming coupling of Clark Kent and Lois Lane for Season 8 of Smallville. More likely, though, it was when those two attention-and-talent-starved ass-clowns Heidi and Spencer from The Hills were designated as “Speidi.” Are you f’ing kidding me? Those two jackasses are lucky that they’re allowed to have names at all. One is a spoiled, rich kid with spiky, highlighted hair and a bad attitude. The other is a vapid, surgically enhanced, ditzy, aspiring singer with no musical talent. Together, they combined to make quite possibly the worst music video in the history of the world, that for Heidi’s first “single” from her new “album.” I’m using quotes because neither her “song” nor her “album” are good enough to qualify as actual songs or albums. These two are “famous” because they had the fortune of stumbling upon an MTV reality show that lots of kids watch because they’re too young and stupid to know better. But they als symbolize that über-lame trend of having to slap every mildly famous couple with a combo name, a trend that needs to end now. It’s not cool, it’s not cute, it’s not clever….it’s f’ing annoying and it’s so, so tired and played…..
- The X Games are back. During the winter, I watched Winter X and was hooked. The summer version of extreme sports’ Olympics kicked off Thursday night in Los Angeles with some amazing skateboarding action. Skateboard Big Air was the main event for the first night and although I prefer outdoor X events to indoor ones, watching these dudes soar through the air at Staples Center from a freakishly high ramp, make a massive jump and mix in a some amazing tricks before finishing by seeing how high above the ramp they could soar, it was awesome. Bob Burnquist was the winner for the event but there were some truly sick tricks turned in, along with some gnarly spills. I’ve never been 20 feet in the air on a skateboard, watching the world hover below before coming plummeting back down, but I think I’ll leave it to guys like Burnquist. If you’re looking to tune in (and you should be), the Summer X Games will be on ESPN for the next few nights, usually kicking off around 9 p.m. Tune in and see some sick stunts on bikes, skateboards, etc……
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