- Not a stellar summer hiatus for the cast of The Office. While NBC’s hit comedy may be flying high, its stars have had a bummer of a summer, with Craig Phillip Robinson, a.k.a. Darryl Philbin, getting hit with felony drug charges last week and Rainn Wilson now offering up one of the worst films of the summer. Yes, The Rocker is as bad as it looks. Wilson plays a flabby, 9-to-5 guy who tries to seize his one last shot at glory by forcing his way into his nephew’s band. He plays Fish Fishman (the name, appropriately enough, signifies the total lack of effort and imagination woven throughout the script), drummer for ‘80s rockers Vesuvius. When the band hits it big, they dump Fishman and he’s bitter for two decades, right up to the point when his nephew’s band loses its drummer just before a big gig at the prom. The Fish steps in and through a series of plot twists more unbelievable than Rosie O’Donnell winning the Miss USA pageant, the band becomes a YouTube sensation and goes on a national tour. From there, the plot is as predictable and trite as you could ever imagine, ending with a sappy, feel-good conclusion that a first-grader could have written. Throughout the movie, there are plenty of tired ‘80s hair metal clichés and gags, so there’s that to look forward to as well. All told, a truly regrettable movie that makes felony drug charges look like a good way to spend your summer by comparison…..
- Another sign that you might be better off staring straight ahead in class at medical school and not actually interacting with classmates….meet Jeremy Noyes of Erie, Pa. Seems Noyes is a bit chatty in class and informed one med school mate that he was attempting to recruit a New Zealand woman and her 4-year-old daughter to start a society of sex slaves that would live on a farm or island of some sort in a rather cult-ish setup. According to a sworn statement by the FBI, it began investigating Noyes on Aug. 13 after receiving a tip about his demented plan. And this man wanted to be a doctor, America. Because who wouldn’t want a guy like that as their physician? Are you freaking serious? You want to start your own society of sex slaves and you’re trying to recruit someone from halfway around the world to start the society along with her daughter who isn't even old enough for kindergarten? How sick are you, Noyes? I say this out of kindness, bearing in mind that you were stopped because you were dumb enough to open your mouth and share this plan, but my man, that’s the kind of thing you want to keep to yourself. People are funny that way, they take it serious when you say you want to start your own society of sex slaves on a remote island and include young children. Other than Michael Jackson, Gary Glitter and Roman Polanski, no one is going to appreciate that kind of thinking……
- Angel Matos just doesn’t seem to grasp the Olympic spirit. He qualified for and competed in the Summer Olympics in the sport of taekwondo and he’s even a former Olympic champion in the event. However, anyone with a true concept of what the Olympics are all about probably wouldn’t kick a referee in the face during a taekwondo bronze medal match in Beijing after that referee disqualified him. Yet that’s exactly what Matos did after referee Chakir Chelbat of Sweden disqualified him for taking too much injury time. If you haven’t seen the video of this yet, you need to hit up YouTube and find it. Matos just winds up and delivers a boot to Chelbat’s face after the disqualification as stunned athletes, coaches and fans look on. Now, Matos, the 2000 Olympic champion from Cuba, and his coach face a life ban from their sport. Ironically, Matos was winning 3-2 with just over a minute left in the second round when the disqualification happened. At that time, he fell to the mat after being hit by his opponent, Kazakhstan's Arman Chilmanov. Instead of getting up, Matos lay down, awaiting medical attention. Before that medical attention came, he was DQ’d. At that point, he was miraculously able to rise up and push one judge, then push and kick Chelbat in the face. The kick Chelbat with blood pouring from a gash in his lip while Matos continued his boorish act by spitting on the floor. He was then escorted out of the arena, leaving a stunned crowd in his wake. “We didn't expect anything like what you have witnessed to occur,” said World Taekwondo Federation secretary general Yang Jin-suk. “I am at a loss for words.” Matos wasn’t the only one making an ass of himself over the outcome of the match. His coach, Leudis Gonzalez, is also staring down a lifetime for his angry reaction and claiming the Kazakhs had tried to fix the match. Verrrry classy, Cubans, very classy. Nothing represents your country quite like physically assaulting the referee when a call doesn’t go your way. Look, no one likes to lose and we would even overlook you throwing a chair or punching a wall, at least to a certain extent. Heck, launch into an expletive-filled rant against the ref, even that would eventually be forgotten. But when you go WWE and superkick the ref because he disqualified you, you’ve definitely earned a lifetime ban from your sport and then some, maybe even a nice assault charge…..
- Ted Stevens seems to be under the misguided impression that the justice system is one that is set up for the maximum convenience of the accused. Sen. Stevens is the senior senator from the state of Alaska who stands accused of taking hundreds of thousands of dollars of free home improvements to his house in Alaska from Alaska-based energy company Veco as bribes to lobby on the company’s behalf in Washington. With his trial looming and a re-election bid on the horizon, Stevens had requested to move the trial from Washington to his home state so he could stand trial by day and campaign on nights and weekends. For some odd reason, a federal judge rejected the request and decided that the case must stay in our nation’s capital. Weird….not allowing a defendant to move their trial to better facilitate their re-election bid. Besides, where is Stevens going to find a friendly judge in Washington who he has political ties to like he could have found back in Alaska? It’s almost like this judge is more concerned with having a fair, by-the-book trial than he is on helping Stevens get acquitted and run a successful re-election campaign at the same time. Of course, Stevens seems to be ignoring the fact that most of his constituents aren't going to be too hep on voting for a candidate who is facing seven counts of making false statements on his Senate financial disclosure forms. Best of success with the re-election bid. Teddy, I’m sure you’ll have an….um….interesting campaign.
- If you’re committing a felony and you’re not looking to go to prison, why the hell would you be using a cell phone for any part of that crime? Just thinking out loud here, but cell phones are one of the easiest things for the cops to trace, investigate the use of and turn against you when it comes time for your trial. But don’t take my word for it, check out the case against Beth Ann Chester of Pittsburgh, Pa., a former high school gym teacher now headed to prison for three years because of an affair with one of her students. Seems Ms. Chester got after it with a 14-year-old boy in one of her classes, which would have been a big enough problem. However, sending the boy erotic text messages took the crime to a sick and stupid new low. After all, uncovering text messages you’ve sent or received is one of the easiest things for law enforcement to do. You may as well send a copy of the text message right to the cops to cut out the middleman and the need for them to go through the process of getting a warrant. But Chester’s stupidity didn’t end there, oh no. She compounded her error further by calling her teen lover after she had been charged, pissing off the prosecution even more. Now, Chester has pleaded guilty to statutory sexual assault, corruption of a minor and criminal use of a cell phone. Way to hit the trifecta, Beth. You get to spend the next three years in the hole now and this kid gets to enjoy quasi-celebrity status among his classmates for hitting it with a teacher, then years of therapy once the weight of what you did to him sinks in…..
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