- Even for militant revolutionaries, this is low. Suspected Hindu hardliners in India have gone where even raging revolutionaries shouldn’t venture: burning down a Christian orphanage in eastern India, killing a 21-year-old teacher, seriously injuring a priest and leaving dozens of children without a home. This reprehensible attack occurred in Khuntapali, a village located in the Orissa state, as part of a strike called for by the World Hindu Council to protest the killing of a Hindu religious leader and four rebels by suspected communist rebels in another district of the same state. That’s all well and good, wanting to strike back for your fallen comrades and all, but a freaking Christian orphanage where dozens of children live? What, did those kids of that teacher pull the trigger and shoot your friends? Perspective, Hindu extremists, perspective. I realize that’s a foreign word for knobs like you, but perspective means having a clear view of a situation and not murdering people who had nothing to do with your friends’ death. I don’t see myself coming to India and shooting you because someone hurt one of my friends here in the U.S., so get your head right and stop this garbage….
- With a new school year starting at Wilson (N.Y.) High School, it appears that the three sick freaks who were the perpetrators in an ugly hazing incident during last baseball season will be getting a second chance they really don’t deserve. The three offenders - 18-year-old Geoffrey Seefeldt and two 16-year-olds - will not face felony charges after beating several of their younger teammates during a bus ride back from a game in Niagara Falls and forcing objects into their rectums. Initially, the three offenders were charged with third-degree aggravated sexual abuse, a felony, and misdemeanor child endangerment, but it was revealed this week that they will not be facing felony charges. As I said, it’s an undeserved break for three guys who perpetrated a vile, reprehensible sexual assault on their teammates that took place while the boys still had their uniform pants on. So I can’t really get with Niagara County district attorney Michael Violante, who said in a statement Friday that charges against would be reduced to “an appropriate misdemeanor charge and add misdemeanor and violation charges of hazing.” How anyone can do something like this to guys who are supposed to be your friends and teammates on the varsity baseball team is beyond me. Why and how anyone on any team, anywhere at any time thinks this kind of hazing is fresh, funny or appropriate is confounding. If you want to make the underclassmen carry your gear bag, tape them to the goalpost or ambush them with water balloons, fine. Heck, take the tires off their car and put it up on blocks, that’s fine. Pretty much anything is okay, just as long as it doesn’t involve sexual assault, causing physical harm or anything illegal. Nothing like scarring these guys for life just to amuse yourself for a few minutes, though. Good decision making there…….
- I hear you and I am with you 217 percent, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. When you demand that all foreign troops leave Iraq by a specific date in 2011 and reject immunity for American troops, I hear ya. W. and the rest of our ass-hatted political leaders here in the Unted States have jerked you (and their own people, for that matter) around for too long. There has been a discernable lack of vision, honesty, evidence, justification, direction and pretty much any other positive quality from our political leaders in this abortion of a war, so it will take someone in the Iraqi government to have the balls to stand up and make a demand like this in order to get American troops out of Iraq. What’s funny is that anyone on the American side of this debate is resisting the Iraqis on this matter. It’s their f’ing country, after all. They didn’t ask us to invade, so when they tell us that they want us out, who are we to argue with them? This isn't America’s 51st state or a U.S. territory; it’s a foreign country, one with its own government. So when its prime minister demands a firm U.S. exit date, I say amen! Someone should have said this a long time ago and even one ounce of opposition from the U.S. government to this demand only serves to underscore what a bunch of tools we’ve had running this country for the past eight years……
- Tough time for David Duchovny, eh? If you believe the claims the actor is making, his life has taken on an eerie parallel to that of his character on HBO’s Californication. On the show, Duchovny plays Hank Moody, whose big problem is that his obsession with sexing it up keeps him from having real relationships. Now, the actor is claiming that he suffers from the same problem and that he needs treatment. Oddly enough, there is a group that deals with the addiction - Sex Addicts Anonymous. The organization’s definition of being a sex addict is a person engaging in any kind of sexual behavior that they don't want to be involved in, something they’re trying to stop.” The group even follows a 12-step process similar to by Alcoholics Anonymous. Some are speculating that Duchovny isn't really a sex addict, but rather engaging in another obsession for actors: shameless self-promotion. Personally, I’m leaning toward the latter, if for no other reason than this story is so ridiculous and it’s so implausible that a celebrity would go public with this rather than just treating it. But if you really are afflicted, Dave, best of success in kicking your addiction to hitting it…..
- A big, big thumbs down to the testicular-fortitude-lacking, spineless Rev. Antonio Rungi for bowing to pressure and pulling the plug on his idea for an online beauty pageant for nuns. The “Miss Sister Pageant” was scheduled to begin next month on a site hosting Rungi’s blog, but protests from members of the Catholic church and its leadership have frightened him out of following through on his great idea. The reverend also went with the popular “misunderstood” card in defending his idea, which is requisite for anyone who is publicly criticized for saying or doing anything. Just say you were misquoted and/or misunderstood, that’ll do it. The problem here is that Rev. Rungi wasn’t in the wrong; he simply wanted to give more visibility to the nuns in the Catholic church and to break down stereotypes about nuns being old, stodgy and boring. It’s too bad that the sticks in the mud out there couldn’t embrace this idea and have some fun with it, which was the underlying intent anyhow…..
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Zimbabweans don't support Mugabe, women's tennis begins its offseason now and American Karaoke adds another facet to its loser-dom
- So as it turns out, Prison Break will be losing one of its most distinct, recognizable cast members this season: the ginormous tattoo covering nearly the entire upper body of Wentworth Miller, a.k.a. Michael Scofield. Come Monday night, Scofield has a painful, long appointment with a dermatologist to remove the massive tat that has been a hallmark of the show since the first episode. As PB fans know, the tattoo was a way to imprint the blueprints of the prison that Scofield broke big brother Linc out of in Season 1, along with other aspects of their escape plan all the way out of the United States. Removing it has a practical explanation in the plot, as it will make Michael stand out less and blend in more. Of course, it will also give the wardrobe department more clothing options. “It was a laborious process putting that [fake tattoo] on,” Miller said with relief. “I am looking forward to rolling my sleeves up!” Personally, I’m just looking forward to this season, tat or no tat, bring it on……
- Not knowing anything about the town in advance, does impressive, all-encompassing prison security spring to mind when I say the name of Clovis, New Mexico? Didn’t think so, which is why news that eight inmates, including one convicted murderer and one accused murderer, escaped from the county prison in Clovis this week by cutting a hole in the roof. Only one of the men ha been caught, leaving seven men that police are terming “at large and dangerous” out to roam the streets. A lot of questions arise here, namely how inmates get access to tools that would allow them to cut through the roof, how they got access to a location where they could cut through the roof and not be seen, how they were able to move along the roof unseen and what the hell the prison guards were doing during this time. Maybe a few less games of solitaire on the computer at the guard station and a little closer oversight of the prisoners would be helpful, fellas. Not telling you how to do your job, just thinking out loud…..
- Add another pompous, self-important, hack loser to the fray! Why not, when you’re the biggest joke in music and the biggest abortion of a TV show around? American Karaoke has been a piece of crap from its inception, helping bring karaoke to the masses, murder songs that used to be good and give a bunch of glorified karaoke-ers the mistaken idea that they a) are actually good, and b) can contribute something of value to the music world. In that spirit, why wouldn’t the show bring a fourth idiot judge on board? Songwriter Kara DioGuardi will be the latest to crucify any musical credibility she has by becoming the fourth wheel on the idiot wagon that is the AK judging panel. Of course, that statement isn't entirely fair; DioGuardi really doesn’t have any musical credibility to begin with. When your most recognizable songwriting efforts have been for hacks like Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani and Pink, the fall to the level of American Karaoke isn't a long lone. According to some idiot producer, the idea all along has been for the show to have four judges, so this is really just the implementation of a plan that has been in place since the beginning of this travesty of music. Whatever, losers. Your show sucks with three judges, so it will suck with four. It would suck with any number of judges, mostly because you’re A FREAKING GLORIFIED KARAOKE CONTEST WITH PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE BETTER OFF BELTING OUT “ENDLESS LOVE” AT THEIR LOCAL KARAOKE BAR! Now go away and don’t come back…….
- I have some bad, bad news for all the dudes out there: Maria Sharapova will not be coming to a tennis court anywhere near you, or anyone else for that matter, for the remainder of 2008. According to the agent for the leggy, blonde Russian bombshell, Sharapova is shutting it down for the rest of the season due to some tears found in her shoulder. She hasn’t played in over a month and bowed out of the ongoing U.S. Open well in advance, so this decision doesn’t come as a huge surprise. A huge disappointment, yes, huge surprise, no. From Sharapova’s point of view, it makes sense. If your shoulder needs to heal and the last of your sport’s four major tournament is just about over, why come back now? To play in some also-ran events in second-tier towns and earn a little extra scratch? Not likely. Get the rest, rehab the injury, come back strong in 2009/ Of course, I’m not looking at it from Sharapova’s point of view; I’m looking at it from my point of view and I’m crushed. Seeing Sharapova grunting and lunging her way around the court is the biggest reason to watch women’s tennis for myself and most dudes. Seeing the heavily muscled Williams sisters is not a reason to tune into the ATP Pilot Pen tournament in Cincinnati or any other run-of-the-mill WTA event; it’s a reason to find something else to do with your time. So I’ll see you in 2009, women’s professional tennis, when Maria Sharapova is back in the court. Enjoy your offseason, which in my book has already started, regardless of what your event calendar says…..
- Score one for the opposition in Zimbabwe, finally. The country’s main opposition party, the Movement for Democratic Change, won the top job in the national parliament. It’s the first time since Zimbabwe gained its independence in 1980 that the speaker’s post has not been held by a political ally of tyrannical dictator Bob Mugabe, the country’s (illegitimate) president. The thinking among political observers is that having an opposition leader in this powerful position could undercut Mugabe’s strength in ongoing power-sharing talks with the MDC, currently being mediated by South African President Thabo Mbeki. It’s amazing what happens in an election where Mugabe and his thugs aren't running around, assaulting, intimidating, kidnapping and murdering opposition members and supporters, no? When people are given the chance to speak out without fear of being killed because of it, it appears that Zimbabweans don’t support a tyrannical fascist of a leader who is steadily ruining their nation…..
- Not knowing anything about the town in advance, does impressive, all-encompassing prison security spring to mind when I say the name of Clovis, New Mexico? Didn’t think so, which is why news that eight inmates, including one convicted murderer and one accused murderer, escaped from the county prison in Clovis this week by cutting a hole in the roof. Only one of the men ha been caught, leaving seven men that police are terming “at large and dangerous” out to roam the streets. A lot of questions arise here, namely how inmates get access to tools that would allow them to cut through the roof, how they got access to a location where they could cut through the roof and not be seen, how they were able to move along the roof unseen and what the hell the prison guards were doing during this time. Maybe a few less games of solitaire on the computer at the guard station and a little closer oversight of the prisoners would be helpful, fellas. Not telling you how to do your job, just thinking out loud…..
- Add another pompous, self-important, hack loser to the fray! Why not, when you’re the biggest joke in music and the biggest abortion of a TV show around? American Karaoke has been a piece of crap from its inception, helping bring karaoke to the masses, murder songs that used to be good and give a bunch of glorified karaoke-ers the mistaken idea that they a) are actually good, and b) can contribute something of value to the music world. In that spirit, why wouldn’t the show bring a fourth idiot judge on board? Songwriter Kara DioGuardi will be the latest to crucify any musical credibility she has by becoming the fourth wheel on the idiot wagon that is the AK judging panel. Of course, that statement isn't entirely fair; DioGuardi really doesn’t have any musical credibility to begin with. When your most recognizable songwriting efforts have been for hacks like Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani and Pink, the fall to the level of American Karaoke isn't a long lone. According to some idiot producer, the idea all along has been for the show to have four judges, so this is really just the implementation of a plan that has been in place since the beginning of this travesty of music. Whatever, losers. Your show sucks with three judges, so it will suck with four. It would suck with any number of judges, mostly because you’re A FREAKING GLORIFIED KARAOKE CONTEST WITH PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE BETTER OFF BELTING OUT “ENDLESS LOVE” AT THEIR LOCAL KARAOKE BAR! Now go away and don’t come back…….
- I have some bad, bad news for all the dudes out there: Maria Sharapova will not be coming to a tennis court anywhere near you, or anyone else for that matter, for the remainder of 2008. According to the agent for the leggy, blonde Russian bombshell, Sharapova is shutting it down for the rest of the season due to some tears found in her shoulder. She hasn’t played in over a month and bowed out of the ongoing U.S. Open well in advance, so this decision doesn’t come as a huge surprise. A huge disappointment, yes, huge surprise, no. From Sharapova’s point of view, it makes sense. If your shoulder needs to heal and the last of your sport’s four major tournament is just about over, why come back now? To play in some also-ran events in second-tier towns and earn a little extra scratch? Not likely. Get the rest, rehab the injury, come back strong in 2009/ Of course, I’m not looking at it from Sharapova’s point of view; I’m looking at it from my point of view and I’m crushed. Seeing Sharapova grunting and lunging her way around the court is the biggest reason to watch women’s tennis for myself and most dudes. Seeing the heavily muscled Williams sisters is not a reason to tune into the ATP Pilot Pen tournament in Cincinnati or any other run-of-the-mill WTA event; it’s a reason to find something else to do with your time. So I’ll see you in 2009, women’s professional tennis, when Maria Sharapova is back in the court. Enjoy your offseason, which in my book has already started, regardless of what your event calendar says…..
- Score one for the opposition in Zimbabwe, finally. The country’s main opposition party, the Movement for Democratic Change, won the top job in the national parliament. It’s the first time since Zimbabwe gained its independence in 1980 that the speaker’s post has not been held by a political ally of tyrannical dictator Bob Mugabe, the country’s (illegitimate) president. The thinking among political observers is that having an opposition leader in this powerful position could undercut Mugabe’s strength in ongoing power-sharing talks with the MDC, currently being mediated by South African President Thabo Mbeki. It’s amazing what happens in an election where Mugabe and his thugs aren't running around, assaulting, intimidating, kidnapping and murdering opposition members and supporters, no? When people are given the chance to speak out without fear of being killed because of it, it appears that Zimbabweans don’t support a tyrannical fascist of a leader who is steadily ruining their nation…..
Friday, August 29, 2008
Survivor fans get bad news, candidates for worst parents ever and a new airline ripoff
- Survivor junkies, you’re going to have to wait a little longer for your fix. The debut of this season, Survivor: Gabon — Earth's Last Eden is being delayed one week from its originally scheduled original premiere date of September 18, back to September 25. However, in a move that should diffuse some of that hostility from the legions of Survivor fans out there, CBS is following through on its promise to provide a two-hour season premiere, the first of its kind in Survivor history. So while you have to wait an extra week to meet the latest round of Starbucks baristas, attorneys, teachers, scout leaders, former pro athletes and despicable liars all willing to do anything and everything necessary to win the game, you do get a double dose of your favorite show right off the bat, always a positive. If you still find yourself jones-ing for Survivor during that week, you can always satiate your appetite by digging up some worms and bugs from your back yard and eating them along with your family, followed by getting yourself lost in the woods and having to build your own shelter to survive for the night, good times…….
- For all you dudes out there who love the idea of naughty nuns and seeing the hot sister at your local parish in something other than a billowy, oversized robe, may I introduce Rev. Anthony Rungi. The reverend will be starting a unique beauty pageant next month on a blog he runs. The contest will be a beauty pageant for nuns, the Italian priest and theologian announced this week. The online pageant is intended to give nuns more visibility within the church and to fight the stereotype that they are all old, bitter, ugly wenches who enjoy cracking school children across the knuckles with rulers. Search for “Miss Sister 2008” if you’re looking to track down the website and see for yourself what it’s all about. Personally, I think it’s pretty amusing and not at all what you’d expect from a man of the cloth. I also have a feeling it will piss off a lot of über-conservative people within the Catholic Church, and pissing off stodgy, overly conservative people is one of the great joys in life…..
- One thing you can say for airlines: they never stop thinking of ways to extract more money from passengers. Whether it’s making FAT people buy an extra seat to accommodate their disgusting, flabby physiques or jamming everyone for an extra $15 just for checking a single bag, airlines never stop thinking of ways to separate you from your cash. So hats off to Atlanta-based Delta Air Lines Inc., which announced Tuesday that it will offer broadband wireless Internet access on its entire domestic mainline fleet by the middle of next year. As you might expect, the Wi-Fi service will be offered for a fee to customers traveling throughout the continental United States. Partnering with Delta to rip you off for overpriced Wi-Fi will be
Aircell, an airborne communications provider. Together, they will install the network on Delta’s domestic fleet of more than 330 aircraft. The system will allow Delta customers traveling with Wi-Fi enabled devices - i.e. laptops, smartphones and PDA’s, iPods - to access the Internet while in flight. Interestingly enough, Delta also said it will not filter out porn from the system, meaning you could have to disctinct pleasure of some pervy loser scanning the ‘Net for pictures of hot Asian teens and busty nurses for a couple hours….good times. How much am I going to get ripped off if I use this system, you ask? Well, an amazingly exorbitant flat fee of $9.95 will be charged on flights of three hours or less, and $12.95 on flights of more than three hours. Yes, you will pay $10 for Internet access for a two-hour flight, which would extrapolate out to $2,388 a month if you paid that rate at home for Internet. Mix in a few $5 beers and $7.50 sandwiches and you could blow most of your travel budget before you even step off the plane, awesome!
- Moviegoers were clearly looking for laughs this past weekend. The box office tallies, although extremely modest in nature, show the Ben Stiller-led Tropic Thunder in first with a paltry $16.1 million, followed by the new Anna Ferris comedy The House Bunny at $15.1 million. Following up the theme of subpar flicks leading the way for the weekend, the blood-and-gore action flop Death Race was third at $12.3 million. Hanging tough in fourth place was The Dark Knight at $10.3 million, raising the film’s total gross earnings to $490 million and counting. Rounding out the top five was Star Wars: The Clone Wars with just $5.7 million, finishing off the leaderboard for a weekend where Americans clearly felt they had better things do do than go to their local theater. Looking at the movies at the top of this list (at least four of the five, anyhow), I can't say I disagree with them……
- Worst parents ever or just looking to get by? I’ll opt for the former with Sean Michael Block and girlfriend Jennifer Richards. For starters, Block is the married boyfriend of Richards, which is one strike against them. When you throw in the fact that the pair was attempting to trade sex with Richards’ 5-year-old daughter for an apartment and a car, it’s a slam dunk that these two are as bad a set of parents as you’ll find anywhere, any time. The charges against them include using interstate facilities to transmit information about a minor and distribution of child pornography. I know this goes without saying, but how does anyone - anyone - have the kahones and total lack of a soul to pimp out a 5-year-old. She should be going to kindergarten, not having her mom try to auction her off to some sick freak for sex in order to secure an apartment and a used car. I have a feeling Block and Richards won't have to worry about finding a car or an apartment now, what with their promising future in prison where they’ll each have a place to stay and won’t need a vehicle……
- For all you dudes out there who love the idea of naughty nuns and seeing the hot sister at your local parish in something other than a billowy, oversized robe, may I introduce Rev. Anthony Rungi. The reverend will be starting a unique beauty pageant next month on a blog he runs. The contest will be a beauty pageant for nuns, the Italian priest and theologian announced this week. The online pageant is intended to give nuns more visibility within the church and to fight the stereotype that they are all old, bitter, ugly wenches who enjoy cracking school children across the knuckles with rulers. Search for “Miss Sister 2008” if you’re looking to track down the website and see for yourself what it’s all about. Personally, I think it’s pretty amusing and not at all what you’d expect from a man of the cloth. I also have a feeling it will piss off a lot of über-conservative people within the Catholic Church, and pissing off stodgy, overly conservative people is one of the great joys in life…..
- One thing you can say for airlines: they never stop thinking of ways to extract more money from passengers. Whether it’s making FAT people buy an extra seat to accommodate their disgusting, flabby physiques or jamming everyone for an extra $15 just for checking a single bag, airlines never stop thinking of ways to separate you from your cash. So hats off to Atlanta-based Delta Air Lines Inc., which announced Tuesday that it will offer broadband wireless Internet access on its entire domestic mainline fleet by the middle of next year. As you might expect, the Wi-Fi service will be offered for a fee to customers traveling throughout the continental United States. Partnering with Delta to rip you off for overpriced Wi-Fi will be
Aircell, an airborne communications provider. Together, they will install the network on Delta’s domestic fleet of more than 330 aircraft. The system will allow Delta customers traveling with Wi-Fi enabled devices - i.e. laptops, smartphones and PDA’s, iPods - to access the Internet while in flight. Interestingly enough, Delta also said it will not filter out porn from the system, meaning you could have to disctinct pleasure of some pervy loser scanning the ‘Net for pictures of hot Asian teens and busty nurses for a couple hours….good times. How much am I going to get ripped off if I use this system, you ask? Well, an amazingly exorbitant flat fee of $9.95 will be charged on flights of three hours or less, and $12.95 on flights of more than three hours. Yes, you will pay $10 for Internet access for a two-hour flight, which would extrapolate out to $2,388 a month if you paid that rate at home for Internet. Mix in a few $5 beers and $7.50 sandwiches and you could blow most of your travel budget before you even step off the plane, awesome!
- Moviegoers were clearly looking for laughs this past weekend. The box office tallies, although extremely modest in nature, show the Ben Stiller-led Tropic Thunder in first with a paltry $16.1 million, followed by the new Anna Ferris comedy The House Bunny at $15.1 million. Following up the theme of subpar flicks leading the way for the weekend, the blood-and-gore action flop Death Race was third at $12.3 million. Hanging tough in fourth place was The Dark Knight at $10.3 million, raising the film’s total gross earnings to $490 million and counting. Rounding out the top five was Star Wars: The Clone Wars with just $5.7 million, finishing off the leaderboard for a weekend where Americans clearly felt they had better things do do than go to their local theater. Looking at the movies at the top of this list (at least four of the five, anyhow), I can't say I disagree with them……
- Worst parents ever or just looking to get by? I’ll opt for the former with Sean Michael Block and girlfriend Jennifer Richards. For starters, Block is the married boyfriend of Richards, which is one strike against them. When you throw in the fact that the pair was attempting to trade sex with Richards’ 5-year-old daughter for an apartment and a car, it’s a slam dunk that these two are as bad a set of parents as you’ll find anywhere, any time. The charges against them include using interstate facilities to transmit information about a minor and distribution of child pornography. I know this goes without saying, but how does anyone - anyone - have the kahones and total lack of a soul to pimp out a 5-year-old. She should be going to kindergarten, not having her mom try to auction her off to some sick freak for sex in order to secure an apartment and a used car. I have a feeling Block and Richards won't have to worry about finding a car or an apartment now, what with their promising future in prison where they’ll each have a place to stay and won’t need a vehicle……
Thursday, August 28, 2008
One idiotic voice rips instant replay, things good protestors don't do and Ryan Atwood back on TV
- Maybe instead of trying for a series of clever rebuttal commercials to combat Apple’s “I’m a PC/I’m a Mac” ads, Microsoft should focus on not putting out an inferior product. No offense meant, I’m just trying to think creatively here. Word on the street is that Microsoft is courting funnyman Jerry Seinfeld with a $10 million offer to pimp its inferior operating system, Windows. Ironically, Seinfeld was always seen using a Mac on his self-titled sitcom during the ’90s, but that isn't stopping Microsoft from enlisting him to combat the commercial comedic team of Justin Long and John Hodgman. While those ads have run their course as far as I’m concerned and stopped being funny months ago, the fact is that when you get down to the facts, Apple’s Leopard operating system and even its predecessors are far, far superior to Windows. They don’t crash or lock up and they’re far easier to use. Leopard comes with cool, easy-to-use programs like iMovie, iDVD, iPhoto and Garage Band that allow you to produce professional-looking DVD’s, podcasts, movies and presentations, while Windows is a convoluted, non-sensical OS with a disturbing propensity to crash. So instead of pouring money into new commercials, why not work on making your product better, Bill Gates? Just thinking out loud…..
- I thought foreign diplomats were supposed to have carte blanche to do what they wanted, when they wanted while representing their country abroad. Commit traffic violations, sexually harass women, be drunk in public - no worries because diplomatic immunity covers your a**. Now that line of thinking has been thrown for a loop with the sentencing of ex-U.S. diplomat Gons G. Nachman to as much as 20 years in prison for taping his sexual encounters with teenage girls while stationed in Brazil and the Congo. While Nachman admitted to being a world-class perv, he had argued for leniency based on, among other things, the fact that sex with consenting teenage girls was more acceptable in other countries than in the U.S. because of cultural differences. The judge wasn’t buying it, giving Nachman the maximum possible sentence. I’m perplexed, not because Nachman’s excuse is legit, but because I didn’t think it made a difference if a diplomat had a legitimate excuse for his or her actions. Wipe the slate clean, look the other way; that’s how it’s supposed to work. That being said, you can't tell me that “it’s okay to sex it up with teenage girls in other countries” was your defense at your trial, Gons. You have to do better than that, dude. Say you thought the girls were 18, say you’re being framed, say something, anything other than it’s all right because in those countries hitting it with underage girls is acceptable. Oh, and have you learned nothing from the scores of celebrities and quasi-celebs who have been scandalized by sex tapes? You make a tape of yourself having sex with someone, you can go ahead and assume it’s going to be seen by people you don’t want to see it…..
- Welcome back to television, Ryan Atwood! Benjamin McKenzie, also known as Ryan Atwood on the now-deceased The O.C., is headed back to TV in LAPD, a drama pilot from John Wells, the director of ER, which is heading into its last season. Wells apparently is looking for his next project now that the interminable ER is about to end and McKenzie is getting back into TV for the first time since his stint as bad-boy-turned-bad-boy-in-rich-community Ryan Atwood on The O.C., which called it quits last year after four fun seasons. Now to the cynic, LAPD might sound like a blatant rip-off of a million other cop shows on TV with similar names, but maybe John Wells has a brand new take on the world of law enforcement that will wow us all….no, I don’t think so either.
- Wanna know something good protestors and activists don’t do? Sail into their protest destination, that’s what. Sailing in is the antithesis of the spirit of social dissidence, mostly because sailing reeks of privilege, upper-class living and sweaters tied around your neck. So to the activists who sailed into Gaza Strip last week to protest an Israeli blockade, I say this: nice try, but no. Don’t allow the fact that you received a jubilant reception from thousands of Palestinians delude you into thinking what you did was right or a good protest. The blockade has been in place since 2007, when Hamas seized Gaza and Israel reacted with a blockade that allows virtually nothing outside of humanitarian aid in. It has led to shortages in fuel, food and basic supplies, which obviously isn't sitting well with Palestinians. However, could no one lob a Molotov cocktail and the offending blockaders? What about getting your hands on a nice, rocket-propelled grenade? If all else fails, loot, riot, pillage and burn flags, that always helps. Plain and simple, you should not be sailing into anywhere as a means of social dissidence unless, and I stress unless, you are pirate activists. If and when protesting on behalf of all things pirate-y, sailing in is an acceptable means of protest and transportation for protests. Hope that’s clear so I don’t have to go over this again…..
- It’s here, finally. Major League Baseball has finally taken its head out of the sand and brought instant replay into the game. They’ve actually made a solid call by limiting the use of replay to disputed home run calls, as expanding it to safe/out calls on the bases, balls and strikes or catch/no catch on balls that players catch close to the ground would have put a major drag on the speed of games. If you’re reviewing every little questionable call, you’re going to have five-hour games and no one needs or wants that. Unfortunately, not every is intelligent enough to understand that replay is a good thing for baseball. Take noted cameraman-assaulter and cheater Kenny Rogers of the Detroit Tigers, a.k.a. The Roaster. The Roaster isn't down with replay, saying, “I don't like it. I think that it overshot the mark by far just because, what, in a Yankee game someone didn't get a homer? Please. It's happened thousands of times. That's part of the game. It's the beauty of the game. Mistakes are made.” What, Roaster, you mean like you shoving that cameraman who was half your size to the ground? Or that suspicious, pine-tar-resembling substance on your hand that cameras caught during the 2006 World Series? Those mistakes? Of course, the most hilarious part of the Roaster’s crack on instant replay was him trying to use this as an occasion to suck up to the umpires. “It's a slap in the face of umpires that have been here for a long time and they've done a very good job with difficult situations in all aspects,” the Roaster said. “So they made the call wrong once in a while. We've all done things wrong once in a while. For every human individual out there, we're all playing our best. We make errors. It's part of the game.” Nice try, Roaster. Trying to get a little more leeway on the strike zone and a more favorable outside corner of the plate when you pitch by “defending” the umpires in this debate is laughable. Your over-5.00 E.R.A. may be lousy, but you brown-nosing to help your case is lame. And since when are obvious, easily correctable errors that could change the outcome of an important game beautiful? These plays haven’t just happened during Yankees games, either. The play that spurred this on more than anything happened against the Yankees, when Carlos Delgado of the Mets had a home run ripped by the umpires that may have helped the Mets win against the Yankees. So stick to what you do best - cheating, assaulting cameramen and giving up home runs on a sub-.500 team, Roaster, and leave the important decisions to others…..
- I thought foreign diplomats were supposed to have carte blanche to do what they wanted, when they wanted while representing their country abroad. Commit traffic violations, sexually harass women, be drunk in public - no worries because diplomatic immunity covers your a**. Now that line of thinking has been thrown for a loop with the sentencing of ex-U.S. diplomat Gons G. Nachman to as much as 20 years in prison for taping his sexual encounters with teenage girls while stationed in Brazil and the Congo. While Nachman admitted to being a world-class perv, he had argued for leniency based on, among other things, the fact that sex with consenting teenage girls was more acceptable in other countries than in the U.S. because of cultural differences. The judge wasn’t buying it, giving Nachman the maximum possible sentence. I’m perplexed, not because Nachman’s excuse is legit, but because I didn’t think it made a difference if a diplomat had a legitimate excuse for his or her actions. Wipe the slate clean, look the other way; that’s how it’s supposed to work. That being said, you can't tell me that “it’s okay to sex it up with teenage girls in other countries” was your defense at your trial, Gons. You have to do better than that, dude. Say you thought the girls were 18, say you’re being framed, say something, anything other than it’s all right because in those countries hitting it with underage girls is acceptable. Oh, and have you learned nothing from the scores of celebrities and quasi-celebs who have been scandalized by sex tapes? You make a tape of yourself having sex with someone, you can go ahead and assume it’s going to be seen by people you don’t want to see it…..
- Welcome back to television, Ryan Atwood! Benjamin McKenzie, also known as Ryan Atwood on the now-deceased The O.C., is headed back to TV in LAPD, a drama pilot from John Wells, the director of ER, which is heading into its last season. Wells apparently is looking for his next project now that the interminable ER is about to end and McKenzie is getting back into TV for the first time since his stint as bad-boy-turned-bad-boy-in-rich-community Ryan Atwood on The O.C., which called it quits last year after four fun seasons. Now to the cynic, LAPD might sound like a blatant rip-off of a million other cop shows on TV with similar names, but maybe John Wells has a brand new take on the world of law enforcement that will wow us all….no, I don’t think so either.
- Wanna know something good protestors and activists don’t do? Sail into their protest destination, that’s what. Sailing in is the antithesis of the spirit of social dissidence, mostly because sailing reeks of privilege, upper-class living and sweaters tied around your neck. So to the activists who sailed into Gaza Strip last week to protest an Israeli blockade, I say this: nice try, but no. Don’t allow the fact that you received a jubilant reception from thousands of Palestinians delude you into thinking what you did was right or a good protest. The blockade has been in place since 2007, when Hamas seized Gaza and Israel reacted with a blockade that allows virtually nothing outside of humanitarian aid in. It has led to shortages in fuel, food and basic supplies, which obviously isn't sitting well with Palestinians. However, could no one lob a Molotov cocktail and the offending blockaders? What about getting your hands on a nice, rocket-propelled grenade? If all else fails, loot, riot, pillage and burn flags, that always helps. Plain and simple, you should not be sailing into anywhere as a means of social dissidence unless, and I stress unless, you are pirate activists. If and when protesting on behalf of all things pirate-y, sailing in is an acceptable means of protest and transportation for protests. Hope that’s clear so I don’t have to go over this again…..
- It’s here, finally. Major League Baseball has finally taken its head out of the sand and brought instant replay into the game. They’ve actually made a solid call by limiting the use of replay to disputed home run calls, as expanding it to safe/out calls on the bases, balls and strikes or catch/no catch on balls that players catch close to the ground would have put a major drag on the speed of games. If you’re reviewing every little questionable call, you’re going to have five-hour games and no one needs or wants that. Unfortunately, not every is intelligent enough to understand that replay is a good thing for baseball. Take noted cameraman-assaulter and cheater Kenny Rogers of the Detroit Tigers, a.k.a. The Roaster. The Roaster isn't down with replay, saying, “I don't like it. I think that it overshot the mark by far just because, what, in a Yankee game someone didn't get a homer? Please. It's happened thousands of times. That's part of the game. It's the beauty of the game. Mistakes are made.” What, Roaster, you mean like you shoving that cameraman who was half your size to the ground? Or that suspicious, pine-tar-resembling substance on your hand that cameras caught during the 2006 World Series? Those mistakes? Of course, the most hilarious part of the Roaster’s crack on instant replay was him trying to use this as an occasion to suck up to the umpires. “It's a slap in the face of umpires that have been here for a long time and they've done a very good job with difficult situations in all aspects,” the Roaster said. “So they made the call wrong once in a while. We've all done things wrong once in a while. For every human individual out there, we're all playing our best. We make errors. It's part of the game.” Nice try, Roaster. Trying to get a little more leeway on the strike zone and a more favorable outside corner of the plate when you pitch by “defending” the umpires in this debate is laughable. Your over-5.00 E.R.A. may be lousy, but you brown-nosing to help your case is lame. And since when are obvious, easily correctable errors that could change the outcome of an important game beautiful? These plays haven’t just happened during Yankees games, either. The play that spurred this on more than anything happened against the Yankees, when Carlos Delgado of the Mets had a home run ripped by the umpires that may have helped the Mets win against the Yankees. So stick to what you do best - cheating, assaulting cameramen and giving up home runs on a sub-.500 team, Roaster, and leave the important decisions to others…..
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
NFL preseason injuries, the Rock Hall becomes a bigger joke and rappers v. cheerleaders
- Kicking off the fall TV season, last night’s season premiere of Greek was a good one. While I’m still amazed that the show is in its third season and so far we still haven’t progressed through an entire calendar year in the show’s fictional world, I’m going to suspend that amazement and enjoy the fun, wacky goodness that is life at Cyprus Rhodes University. The wackiness centered on the Greek Olympics this week, which saw all of the houses on campus competing for the title. The Kappa Taus were in fine form, recruiting Rusty and Ben Bennett for the human wheelbarrow portion of the contest and using a cheer ripped off from a teen chick flick cheerleading film for the cheerleading portion of the competition. Rusty, unfortunately, ran afoul of the brothers for hanging out too much with pal Calvin, a pledge at rival Omega Chi. The two had made a pact to hang out more and not allow their different houses to come between them anymore, but a plan to hang out and see Ben Hur with the ever-annoying Dale was scuttled by Cappie, who forbade Rusty from seeing his buddy Calvin during Olympic week. That tension heightened when the Omega Chis ripped off the same cheer as the Kappa Taus for the competition, leading to more suspicion for Rusty. He wasn’t the only pledge having trouble; Zeta Beta pledge Rebecca Logan was in even hotter water. After her spring break wet t-shirt contest antics in last season’s finale, she faced discipline from the sorority and received a community service punshment. Her response? Get drunk and splash around in the fountain outside a posh gathering held by the university president. That stunt resulted in a visit from ZBZ national consultant Tegan (Charisma Carpenter), who agreed with Casey Cartwright’s decision to boot Rebecca from the sorority. However, Casey changed her mind at the last moment, talked Rebecca into staying and stood up to Tegan. With her status as sorority president still on an interim basis, she staked her rep on Rebecca cleaning up her act. Cleanng up their act wasn’t what Evan, Casey’s ex, and her big sis at ZBZ, Frannie, had in mind. Their romance, which took root at spring break, continued this week, with both agreeing to keep a lid on things - until sharing a kiss at the closing ceremonies for the Greek Olympics for everyone to see, including Casey. The ZBZ’s and Omega Chi’s both won the Olympics, with the Omega Chis needing to cheat during the tricycle race (Evan shoving Cappie off the road). All told, it was a fun return to campus for Greek, kicking off a third season that should be full of drama…..
- Pvt. Robin Long may be headed to prison for a 15-month sentence, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong for what he did - far from it. Long’s courageous decision to flee the U.S. Army after seeing the debacle in Iraq firsthand was the right one, even if he’s been found guilty of desertion. The 25-year-old Long left the Army and took up residence in Canada, the very place I’ve always had an interest in taking an extended vacation if our idiotic Congress ever reinstituted the draft, if you catch my drift. He was hit with those desertion charges and appeared in a courtroom in Fort Carson, Colo. to answer them. Long told the military judge presiding over his sentencing that he left the country over moral objections to what he believes to be an illegal war. Couldn’t be more with you, Robin. It’s unjustified, illegal, unethical and pretty much any other derogatory adjective you want to use to describe it. Personally, I’d say W., Dick Cheney and any other administration stooge who had anything to do with making this war happen should be the ones going to jail, but America isn't a nation where justice is always served - in fact, it’s a rarity. So do your time with dignity and allow the fact that you are 100 percent right encourage you during the next 15 months, amigo…..
- When I hear that a second-tier rapper like Da Brat has violently assaulted an Atlanta Falcons cheerleader at an Atlanta club, a variety of thoughts go through my mind. First, was it a strip club? The majority of cheerleaders for pro sports teams appear to work at strip clubs, so you’d have to figure the odds are high on that one. Second, are there pictures? Third, is there any situation where two less-likeable individuals could be involved in a brawl? First, you have Da Brat, who is about as ghetto as they come for hip-hoppers. She’s a subpar rapper who’s been around for more than a decade, a thug in a way that just isn't cool for a chick and someone who I’d pay no more than zero dollars and zero cents to see in concert. In fact, if she weren’t blasting Falcons cheerleaders in the head with full liquor bottles at clubs, I wouldn’t be discussing at all. But there she is, going upside the dome of an unidentified cheerleader with said liquor bottle, causing head injuries and earning three years in prison, seven years’ probation, 200 hours of community service and anger-management classes. As for the assaulted cheerleader….cheerleaders from pro teams are an entirely different animal than college cheerleaders, which I love. Women who cheer for pro teams slam on outfits that most strippers would reject for being too skanky, do dances that look like they belong on a stage with a pole and don’t lead any actual cheers. They’re misnamed, because what they really are is T&A for male fans, which is insulting to me as a guy. So when one of them is assaulted, I only feel kinda, sorta bad. Yes, this woman didn’t deserve to be blasted in the head with a tequila bottle, but she’s not exactly a sympathetic figure. So I guess my ultimate reaction to this story would be…..indifference? Let’s go with that……
- Did I or did I not say last week that I didn’t need any more proof that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was a totally lame joke of a museum that had as much rock credibility as My Little Pony and Care Bears? I said it, and dammit, I meant it. So it really wasn’t necessary for Hanson 2.0, a.k.a. the Jonas Brothers, to hammer that point home by visiting the museum in Cleveland and donating clothes from their latest album to its collection. Yet there were the three Hansons, er, Jonases, holding not one, but two news conferences and performing a three-song “sound-check party” for one of its tour sponsors, Verizon. There was the requisite cluster of hyperventilating, shrieking teenage girls at the museum, desperate for a glance of Jonas Brother A, B or C (I’ll bother to learn their actual names when their music stops sucking) and a picture that will go up immediately as the wallpaper on their computer and cell phone. Heck, how much rock cred can these guys have when their posse includes their parents and their little brother? Dude, I know at least one of you has to be old enough that you don’t need your mom and dad along on tour. As always, nice of the Rock Hall to keep its standard of musical credibility so ridiculously low that a herd of midgets could hurdle over it…..
- The NFL preseason jumped the shark a long time ago, but now we may be reaching a point where the league needs to seriously consider shortening the length of the exhibition (soryr NFL, you may not want to call it exhibition football, but that’s what it is) season. For several years now, the fact that fans are expected to pay regular-season prices for meaningless games where the starters often play one quarter or less has fueled the argument that something about the preseason needs to change. In fact, teams include preseason games in season ticket packages so fans have no choice but to buy the tickets for meaningless games if they want to see the ones that count. However, it’s a rash of injuries to star players in exhibition games that is behind the current push for a shorter preseason. The biggest injury to the biggest name is a torn lateral meniscus in the left knee that will force New York Giants defensive end Osi Umenyoira to miss the entire season. New Washington Redskins defensive end Jason Taylor’s strained knee will knock him out for two weeks and San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman could be out for the year as well with a preseason injury. These are just three of a litany of injuries to major names that have many in the football world asking if it’s time to reduce the number of exhibition games for four per team (five for the two teams that play in the NFL’s Hall of Fame game each preseason) to three or even two. I agree with the idea wholeheartedly, both for the sake of fans who are getting ripped off on tickets for meaningless games and for players who are getting injured in those same contests. No one is going to miss the fourth preseason game - well, except for billionaire NFL owners who would lose money out of their pockets. And that is the only - ONLY - reason the setup won't change, because the greedy owners insist on being douche bags and screwing everyone else for their own benefit. Players don’t get paid for the preseason, so it doesn’t behoove them to have four exhibition games. Here’s one plea for the owners of the NFL to remove their heads from up their a**es and for once, do the right thing. Cut the number of preseason games, a-holes….
- Pvt. Robin Long may be headed to prison for a 15-month sentence, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong for what he did - far from it. Long’s courageous decision to flee the U.S. Army after seeing the debacle in Iraq firsthand was the right one, even if he’s been found guilty of desertion. The 25-year-old Long left the Army and took up residence in Canada, the very place I’ve always had an interest in taking an extended vacation if our idiotic Congress ever reinstituted the draft, if you catch my drift. He was hit with those desertion charges and appeared in a courtroom in Fort Carson, Colo. to answer them. Long told the military judge presiding over his sentencing that he left the country over moral objections to what he believes to be an illegal war. Couldn’t be more with you, Robin. It’s unjustified, illegal, unethical and pretty much any other derogatory adjective you want to use to describe it. Personally, I’d say W., Dick Cheney and any other administration stooge who had anything to do with making this war happen should be the ones going to jail, but America isn't a nation where justice is always served - in fact, it’s a rarity. So do your time with dignity and allow the fact that you are 100 percent right encourage you during the next 15 months, amigo…..
- When I hear that a second-tier rapper like Da Brat has violently assaulted an Atlanta Falcons cheerleader at an Atlanta club, a variety of thoughts go through my mind. First, was it a strip club? The majority of cheerleaders for pro sports teams appear to work at strip clubs, so you’d have to figure the odds are high on that one. Second, are there pictures? Third, is there any situation where two less-likeable individuals could be involved in a brawl? First, you have Da Brat, who is about as ghetto as they come for hip-hoppers. She’s a subpar rapper who’s been around for more than a decade, a thug in a way that just isn't cool for a chick and someone who I’d pay no more than zero dollars and zero cents to see in concert. In fact, if she weren’t blasting Falcons cheerleaders in the head with full liquor bottles at clubs, I wouldn’t be discussing at all. But there she is, going upside the dome of an unidentified cheerleader with said liquor bottle, causing head injuries and earning three years in prison, seven years’ probation, 200 hours of community service and anger-management classes. As for the assaulted cheerleader….cheerleaders from pro teams are an entirely different animal than college cheerleaders, which I love. Women who cheer for pro teams slam on outfits that most strippers would reject for being too skanky, do dances that look like they belong on a stage with a pole and don’t lead any actual cheers. They’re misnamed, because what they really are is T&A for male fans, which is insulting to me as a guy. So when one of them is assaulted, I only feel kinda, sorta bad. Yes, this woman didn’t deserve to be blasted in the head with a tequila bottle, but she’s not exactly a sympathetic figure. So I guess my ultimate reaction to this story would be…..indifference? Let’s go with that……
- Did I or did I not say last week that I didn’t need any more proof that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was a totally lame joke of a museum that had as much rock credibility as My Little Pony and Care Bears? I said it, and dammit, I meant it. So it really wasn’t necessary for Hanson 2.0, a.k.a. the Jonas Brothers, to hammer that point home by visiting the museum in Cleveland and donating clothes from their latest album to its collection. Yet there were the three Hansons, er, Jonases, holding not one, but two news conferences and performing a three-song “sound-check party” for one of its tour sponsors, Verizon. There was the requisite cluster of hyperventilating, shrieking teenage girls at the museum, desperate for a glance of Jonas Brother A, B or C (I’ll bother to learn their actual names when their music stops sucking) and a picture that will go up immediately as the wallpaper on their computer and cell phone. Heck, how much rock cred can these guys have when their posse includes their parents and their little brother? Dude, I know at least one of you has to be old enough that you don’t need your mom and dad along on tour. As always, nice of the Rock Hall to keep its standard of musical credibility so ridiculously low that a herd of midgets could hurdle over it…..
- The NFL preseason jumped the shark a long time ago, but now we may be reaching a point where the league needs to seriously consider shortening the length of the exhibition (soryr NFL, you may not want to call it exhibition football, but that’s what it is) season. For several years now, the fact that fans are expected to pay regular-season prices for meaningless games where the starters often play one quarter or less has fueled the argument that something about the preseason needs to change. In fact, teams include preseason games in season ticket packages so fans have no choice but to buy the tickets for meaningless games if they want to see the ones that count. However, it’s a rash of injuries to star players in exhibition games that is behind the current push for a shorter preseason. The biggest injury to the biggest name is a torn lateral meniscus in the left knee that will force New York Giants defensive end Osi Umenyoira to miss the entire season. New Washington Redskins defensive end Jason Taylor’s strained knee will knock him out for two weeks and San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman could be out for the year as well with a preseason injury. These are just three of a litany of injuries to major names that have many in the football world asking if it’s time to reduce the number of exhibition games for four per team (five for the two teams that play in the NFL’s Hall of Fame game each preseason) to three or even two. I agree with the idea wholeheartedly, both for the sake of fans who are getting ripped off on tickets for meaningless games and for players who are getting injured in those same contests. No one is going to miss the fourth preseason game - well, except for billionaire NFL owners who would lose money out of their pockets. And that is the only - ONLY - reason the setup won't change, because the greedy owners insist on being douche bags and screwing everyone else for their own benefit. Players don’t get paid for the preseason, so it doesn’t behoove them to have four exhibition games. Here’s one plea for the owners of the NFL to remove their heads from up their a**es and for once, do the right thing. Cut the number of preseason games, a-holes….
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Getting rid of Chris Kattan, final Olympic thoughts and welcome to the race, Joe Biden
- So apparently Michaela McManus is going to be the Deion Sanders of television this season. No, she’s not going to dress in hideous, loud outfits and try to sell a new hot-dog cooker that’s basically a rip-off of George Foreman’s grill. No, just like Sanders was a two-sport star in his heyday, playing both professional baseball and football at the same time, McManus will be a cast member for both Law & Order: SVU, and One Tree Hill. The assumption had been that once she landed the SVU gig, her OTH days were done. Not so, says series creator Mark Schwahn In fact, he told TV Guide that she’ll be back for multiple episodes in OTH’s (inexplicable) sixth season. However, Schwahn says her return doesn’t mean the continuation of the Lucas-Lindsey-Brooke-Peyton love rectangle, because as he puts it, the characters are growing up and maturing, so their high school-esque love messes will do the same. Sure, whatever. This is one of those shows I watch because it’s better than a lot of the crap on TV and I’m kinda, sorta invested in it, but a stellar show it ain’t. So bring on Season 6, which Lord willing will be the last one…..
- Wireless: it may not be only for the Internet much longer. While the technology is still experimental and not ready for mass distribution, computer-chip giant Intel is building on research done last year by scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology to pioneer the concept of wireless power transmission for laptops. On Thursday, Intel demonstrated how to power a 60-watt light bulb from an energy source stationed three feet away. In the process, only one-fourth of the energy being transferred was lost, a rate that Intel researchers cite as being more efficient than the power pack on your average laptop. Not to go all Bill Nye “The Science Guy” on you, but the way the process works is that electric coils which resonate at the same frequency can transmit energy to each other. With this capability now proven, Intel’s next big challenge in bringing this new technology to consumers is adapting it specifically to laptops and making sure that the electromagnetic fields involved in the transmission process don’t interfere with the other functions of the computer. So it’s not something that you’ll find at your local Best Buy any time this year, but sooner rather than later, you might be able to recharge the battery on your lapper without that pesky AC adapter…..good times.
- Finally….we know who Barack Obama’s choice for his vice presidential running mate is, and I could not be happier…..that it’s not Hank Clinton! Truth be told, I didn’t give a damn who it was, just as long as we made sure that Hank was not only not going to be running for president, but that she wouldn’t be able to backdoor her way into the Oval Office by becoming VP and stepping in if something happened to Obama. So congrats to Delaware Sen. Joe Biden for securing the nod, because although I’m not a big fan of Biden and he reminds me of those two old, crotchety guys on The Muppets who sat in the balcony and heckled everyone, he’s still a better alternative than Hank. Of course, outside of Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Mussolini, Pol Pot and Fidel Castro, the list of possible VP picks who would be worse than Hank is short and select. With the Democratic National Convention now in full swing out in Denver, it’s time for Obama and Biden, the ebony and ivory of the Democratic Party, to focus on defeating that senile, oft-incoherent idiot John McCain come November…..
- Two closing Olympic thoughts: 1) the U.S.-Spain gold medal game in men’s basketball was NOT one of the greatest international games of all-time, and 2) the only thing that is a bigger waste of time than the opening ceremony is the closing ceremony. First, the basketball game: it was a foul-plagued, poorly officiated contest in which neither side played much defense. Yes, there were some stellar offensive exchanges and clutch shots, especially by the Americans (suck it, Spaniards!), but it can hardly be called one of the great international games of all-time when it never felt as if Spain had a shot to win. The Spaniards (and oh yeah, can we get announcers with enough intelligence and education to call them the Spanish team or the Spaniards, not “the Spain team”? Thanks!) never led by more than five points and never led after the first quarter, so how could anyone outside of their own delusional fans believe they were actually going to win? An exciting game, yes. An all-time great? No chance. On to the closing ceremony…..it was more of the same from the opening ceremony, thousands of Chinese dancers in odd, often-futuristic costumes doing lame dances and chanting. No medals were awarded, nothing was accomplished and tons of money were wasted on fireworks and other trinkets. Aside from the parade of nations at the opening ceremony, we could do away with everything else from the two ceremonies and have a better Olympic experience for it….keep that in mind for 2012, London….
- Hard to see how this one went sour…..Chris Kattan and his bride of eight whole weeks have split, showing that not everyone is sharp enough to realize how annoying Chris Kattan is after just one or two Saturday Night Live skits like I did. Whereas I could watch one five-minute skit and realize that Kattan just might be the most annoying comic this side of Andy Dick, model Sunshine Tutt (her actual name, I kid you not) took more than a month to fully grasp Kattan’s über-annoying personality. The pair married on June 28 in Yosemite Canyon but separated a month later, ultimately filing for a formal separation this past week. You may recall Kattan as that whiny, pesky guy with the annoying voice on SNL between 1996 and 2003, while you might remember Tutt from…..I don’t know, but I’m guessing she’s done an ad for jeans or perfume that you’ve seen at some point, somewhere. The relationship is now over, having had its official beginning when the pair became engaged on Christmas Eve 2006. But hey, they had a great, memorable month together and that’s really all you can ask for from a marriage, right?
- Wireless: it may not be only for the Internet much longer. While the technology is still experimental and not ready for mass distribution, computer-chip giant Intel is building on research done last year by scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology to pioneer the concept of wireless power transmission for laptops. On Thursday, Intel demonstrated how to power a 60-watt light bulb from an energy source stationed three feet away. In the process, only one-fourth of the energy being transferred was lost, a rate that Intel researchers cite as being more efficient than the power pack on your average laptop. Not to go all Bill Nye “The Science Guy” on you, but the way the process works is that electric coils which resonate at the same frequency can transmit energy to each other. With this capability now proven, Intel’s next big challenge in bringing this new technology to consumers is adapting it specifically to laptops and making sure that the electromagnetic fields involved in the transmission process don’t interfere with the other functions of the computer. So it’s not something that you’ll find at your local Best Buy any time this year, but sooner rather than later, you might be able to recharge the battery on your lapper without that pesky AC adapter…..good times.
- Finally….we know who Barack Obama’s choice for his vice presidential running mate is, and I could not be happier…..that it’s not Hank Clinton! Truth be told, I didn’t give a damn who it was, just as long as we made sure that Hank was not only not going to be running for president, but that she wouldn’t be able to backdoor her way into the Oval Office by becoming VP and stepping in if something happened to Obama. So congrats to Delaware Sen. Joe Biden for securing the nod, because although I’m not a big fan of Biden and he reminds me of those two old, crotchety guys on The Muppets who sat in the balcony and heckled everyone, he’s still a better alternative than Hank. Of course, outside of Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Mussolini, Pol Pot and Fidel Castro, the list of possible VP picks who would be worse than Hank is short and select. With the Democratic National Convention now in full swing out in Denver, it’s time for Obama and Biden, the ebony and ivory of the Democratic Party, to focus on defeating that senile, oft-incoherent idiot John McCain come November…..
- Two closing Olympic thoughts: 1) the U.S.-Spain gold medal game in men’s basketball was NOT one of the greatest international games of all-time, and 2) the only thing that is a bigger waste of time than the opening ceremony is the closing ceremony. First, the basketball game: it was a foul-plagued, poorly officiated contest in which neither side played much defense. Yes, there were some stellar offensive exchanges and clutch shots, especially by the Americans (suck it, Spaniards!), but it can hardly be called one of the great international games of all-time when it never felt as if Spain had a shot to win. The Spaniards (and oh yeah, can we get announcers with enough intelligence and education to call them the Spanish team or the Spaniards, not “the Spain team”? Thanks!) never led by more than five points and never led after the first quarter, so how could anyone outside of their own delusional fans believe they were actually going to win? An exciting game, yes. An all-time great? No chance. On to the closing ceremony…..it was more of the same from the opening ceremony, thousands of Chinese dancers in odd, often-futuristic costumes doing lame dances and chanting. No medals were awarded, nothing was accomplished and tons of money were wasted on fireworks and other trinkets. Aside from the parade of nations at the opening ceremony, we could do away with everything else from the two ceremonies and have a better Olympic experience for it….keep that in mind for 2012, London….
- Hard to see how this one went sour…..Chris Kattan and his bride of eight whole weeks have split, showing that not everyone is sharp enough to realize how annoying Chris Kattan is after just one or two Saturday Night Live skits like I did. Whereas I could watch one five-minute skit and realize that Kattan just might be the most annoying comic this side of Andy Dick, model Sunshine Tutt (her actual name, I kid you not) took more than a month to fully grasp Kattan’s über-annoying personality. The pair married on June 28 in Yosemite Canyon but separated a month later, ultimately filing for a formal separation this past week. You may recall Kattan as that whiny, pesky guy with the annoying voice on SNL between 1996 and 2003, while you might remember Tutt from…..I don’t know, but I’m guessing she’s done an ad for jeans or perfume that you’ve seen at some point, somewhere. The relationship is now over, having had its official beginning when the pair became engaged on Christmas Eve 2006. But hey, they had a great, memorable month together and that’s really all you can ask for from a marriage, right?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Gym teachers are not good criminals, Ted Stevens gets a lesson in justice and Olympic taekwando closes with a bang
- Not a stellar summer hiatus for the cast of The Office. While NBC’s hit comedy may be flying high, its stars have had a bummer of a summer, with Craig Phillip Robinson, a.k.a. Darryl Philbin, getting hit with felony drug charges last week and Rainn Wilson now offering up one of the worst films of the summer. Yes, The Rocker is as bad as it looks. Wilson plays a flabby, 9-to-5 guy who tries to seize his one last shot at glory by forcing his way into his nephew’s band. He plays Fish Fishman (the name, appropriately enough, signifies the total lack of effort and imagination woven throughout the script), drummer for ‘80s rockers Vesuvius. When the band hits it big, they dump Fishman and he’s bitter for two decades, right up to the point when his nephew’s band loses its drummer just before a big gig at the prom. The Fish steps in and through a series of plot twists more unbelievable than Rosie O’Donnell winning the Miss USA pageant, the band becomes a YouTube sensation and goes on a national tour. From there, the plot is as predictable and trite as you could ever imagine, ending with a sappy, feel-good conclusion that a first-grader could have written. Throughout the movie, there are plenty of tired ‘80s hair metal clichés and gags, so there’s that to look forward to as well. All told, a truly regrettable movie that makes felony drug charges look like a good way to spend your summer by comparison…..
- Another sign that you might be better off staring straight ahead in class at medical school and not actually interacting with classmates….meet Jeremy Noyes of Erie, Pa. Seems Noyes is a bit chatty in class and informed one med school mate that he was attempting to recruit a New Zealand woman and her 4-year-old daughter to start a society of sex slaves that would live on a farm or island of some sort in a rather cult-ish setup. According to a sworn statement by the FBI, it began investigating Noyes on Aug. 13 after receiving a tip about his demented plan. And this man wanted to be a doctor, America. Because who wouldn’t want a guy like that as their physician? Are you freaking serious? You want to start your own society of sex slaves and you’re trying to recruit someone from halfway around the world to start the society along with her daughter who isn't even old enough for kindergarten? How sick are you, Noyes? I say this out of kindness, bearing in mind that you were stopped because you were dumb enough to open your mouth and share this plan, but my man, that’s the kind of thing you want to keep to yourself. People are funny that way, they take it serious when you say you want to start your own society of sex slaves on a remote island and include young children. Other than Michael Jackson, Gary Glitter and Roman Polanski, no one is going to appreciate that kind of thinking……
- Angel Matos just doesn’t seem to grasp the Olympic spirit. He qualified for and competed in the Summer Olympics in the sport of taekwondo and he’s even a former Olympic champion in the event. However, anyone with a true concept of what the Olympics are all about probably wouldn’t kick a referee in the face during a taekwondo bronze medal match in Beijing after that referee disqualified him. Yet that’s exactly what Matos did after referee Chakir Chelbat of Sweden disqualified him for taking too much injury time. If you haven’t seen the video of this yet, you need to hit up YouTube and find it. Matos just winds up and delivers a boot to Chelbat’s face after the disqualification as stunned athletes, coaches and fans look on. Now, Matos, the 2000 Olympic champion from Cuba, and his coach face a life ban from their sport. Ironically, Matos was winning 3-2 with just over a minute left in the second round when the disqualification happened. At that time, he fell to the mat after being hit by his opponent, Kazakhstan's Arman Chilmanov. Instead of getting up, Matos lay down, awaiting medical attention. Before that medical attention came, he was DQ’d. At that point, he was miraculously able to rise up and push one judge, then push and kick Chelbat in the face. The kick Chelbat with blood pouring from a gash in his lip while Matos continued his boorish act by spitting on the floor. He was then escorted out of the arena, leaving a stunned crowd in his wake. “We didn't expect anything like what you have witnessed to occur,” said World Taekwondo Federation secretary general Yang Jin-suk. “I am at a loss for words.” Matos wasn’t the only one making an ass of himself over the outcome of the match. His coach, Leudis Gonzalez, is also staring down a lifetime for his angry reaction and claiming the Kazakhs had tried to fix the match. Verrrry classy, Cubans, very classy. Nothing represents your country quite like physically assaulting the referee when a call doesn’t go your way. Look, no one likes to lose and we would even overlook you throwing a chair or punching a wall, at least to a certain extent. Heck, launch into an expletive-filled rant against the ref, even that would eventually be forgotten. But when you go WWE and superkick the ref because he disqualified you, you’ve definitely earned a lifetime ban from your sport and then some, maybe even a nice assault charge…..
- Ted Stevens seems to be under the misguided impression that the justice system is one that is set up for the maximum convenience of the accused. Sen. Stevens is the senior senator from the state of Alaska who stands accused of taking hundreds of thousands of dollars of free home improvements to his house in Alaska from Alaska-based energy company Veco as bribes to lobby on the company’s behalf in Washington. With his trial looming and a re-election bid on the horizon, Stevens had requested to move the trial from Washington to his home state so he could stand trial by day and campaign on nights and weekends. For some odd reason, a federal judge rejected the request and decided that the case must stay in our nation’s capital. Weird….not allowing a defendant to move their trial to better facilitate their re-election bid. Besides, where is Stevens going to find a friendly judge in Washington who he has political ties to like he could have found back in Alaska? It’s almost like this judge is more concerned with having a fair, by-the-book trial than he is on helping Stevens get acquitted and run a successful re-election campaign at the same time. Of course, Stevens seems to be ignoring the fact that most of his constituents aren't going to be too hep on voting for a candidate who is facing seven counts of making false statements on his Senate financial disclosure forms. Best of success with the re-election bid. Teddy, I’m sure you’ll have an….um….interesting campaign.
- If you’re committing a felony and you’re not looking to go to prison, why the hell would you be using a cell phone for any part of that crime? Just thinking out loud here, but cell phones are one of the easiest things for the cops to trace, investigate the use of and turn against you when it comes time for your trial. But don’t take my word for it, check out the case against Beth Ann Chester of Pittsburgh, Pa., a former high school gym teacher now headed to prison for three years because of an affair with one of her students. Seems Ms. Chester got after it with a 14-year-old boy in one of her classes, which would have been a big enough problem. However, sending the boy erotic text messages took the crime to a sick and stupid new low. After all, uncovering text messages you’ve sent or received is one of the easiest things for law enforcement to do. You may as well send a copy of the text message right to the cops to cut out the middleman and the need for them to go through the process of getting a warrant. But Chester’s stupidity didn’t end there, oh no. She compounded her error further by calling her teen lover after she had been charged, pissing off the prosecution even more. Now, Chester has pleaded guilty to statutory sexual assault, corruption of a minor and criminal use of a cell phone. Way to hit the trifecta, Beth. You get to spend the next three years in the hole now and this kid gets to enjoy quasi-celebrity status among his classmates for hitting it with a teacher, then years of therapy once the weight of what you did to him sinks in…..
- Another sign that you might be better off staring straight ahead in class at medical school and not actually interacting with classmates….meet Jeremy Noyes of Erie, Pa. Seems Noyes is a bit chatty in class and informed one med school mate that he was attempting to recruit a New Zealand woman and her 4-year-old daughter to start a society of sex slaves that would live on a farm or island of some sort in a rather cult-ish setup. According to a sworn statement by the FBI, it began investigating Noyes on Aug. 13 after receiving a tip about his demented plan. And this man wanted to be a doctor, America. Because who wouldn’t want a guy like that as their physician? Are you freaking serious? You want to start your own society of sex slaves and you’re trying to recruit someone from halfway around the world to start the society along with her daughter who isn't even old enough for kindergarten? How sick are you, Noyes? I say this out of kindness, bearing in mind that you were stopped because you were dumb enough to open your mouth and share this plan, but my man, that’s the kind of thing you want to keep to yourself. People are funny that way, they take it serious when you say you want to start your own society of sex slaves on a remote island and include young children. Other than Michael Jackson, Gary Glitter and Roman Polanski, no one is going to appreciate that kind of thinking……
- Angel Matos just doesn’t seem to grasp the Olympic spirit. He qualified for and competed in the Summer Olympics in the sport of taekwondo and he’s even a former Olympic champion in the event. However, anyone with a true concept of what the Olympics are all about probably wouldn’t kick a referee in the face during a taekwondo bronze medal match in Beijing after that referee disqualified him. Yet that’s exactly what Matos did after referee Chakir Chelbat of Sweden disqualified him for taking too much injury time. If you haven’t seen the video of this yet, you need to hit up YouTube and find it. Matos just winds up and delivers a boot to Chelbat’s face after the disqualification as stunned athletes, coaches and fans look on. Now, Matos, the 2000 Olympic champion from Cuba, and his coach face a life ban from their sport. Ironically, Matos was winning 3-2 with just over a minute left in the second round when the disqualification happened. At that time, he fell to the mat after being hit by his opponent, Kazakhstan's Arman Chilmanov. Instead of getting up, Matos lay down, awaiting medical attention. Before that medical attention came, he was DQ’d. At that point, he was miraculously able to rise up and push one judge, then push and kick Chelbat in the face. The kick Chelbat with blood pouring from a gash in his lip while Matos continued his boorish act by spitting on the floor. He was then escorted out of the arena, leaving a stunned crowd in his wake. “We didn't expect anything like what you have witnessed to occur,” said World Taekwondo Federation secretary general Yang Jin-suk. “I am at a loss for words.” Matos wasn’t the only one making an ass of himself over the outcome of the match. His coach, Leudis Gonzalez, is also staring down a lifetime for his angry reaction and claiming the Kazakhs had tried to fix the match. Verrrry classy, Cubans, very classy. Nothing represents your country quite like physically assaulting the referee when a call doesn’t go your way. Look, no one likes to lose and we would even overlook you throwing a chair or punching a wall, at least to a certain extent. Heck, launch into an expletive-filled rant against the ref, even that would eventually be forgotten. But when you go WWE and superkick the ref because he disqualified you, you’ve definitely earned a lifetime ban from your sport and then some, maybe even a nice assault charge…..
- Ted Stevens seems to be under the misguided impression that the justice system is one that is set up for the maximum convenience of the accused. Sen. Stevens is the senior senator from the state of Alaska who stands accused of taking hundreds of thousands of dollars of free home improvements to his house in Alaska from Alaska-based energy company Veco as bribes to lobby on the company’s behalf in Washington. With his trial looming and a re-election bid on the horizon, Stevens had requested to move the trial from Washington to his home state so he could stand trial by day and campaign on nights and weekends. For some odd reason, a federal judge rejected the request and decided that the case must stay in our nation’s capital. Weird….not allowing a defendant to move their trial to better facilitate their re-election bid. Besides, where is Stevens going to find a friendly judge in Washington who he has political ties to like he could have found back in Alaska? It’s almost like this judge is more concerned with having a fair, by-the-book trial than he is on helping Stevens get acquitted and run a successful re-election campaign at the same time. Of course, Stevens seems to be ignoring the fact that most of his constituents aren't going to be too hep on voting for a candidate who is facing seven counts of making false statements on his Senate financial disclosure forms. Best of success with the re-election bid. Teddy, I’m sure you’ll have an….um….interesting campaign.
- If you’re committing a felony and you’re not looking to go to prison, why the hell would you be using a cell phone for any part of that crime? Just thinking out loud here, but cell phones are one of the easiest things for the cops to trace, investigate the use of and turn against you when it comes time for your trial. But don’t take my word for it, check out the case against Beth Ann Chester of Pittsburgh, Pa., a former high school gym teacher now headed to prison for three years because of an affair with one of her students. Seems Ms. Chester got after it with a 14-year-old boy in one of her classes, which would have been a big enough problem. However, sending the boy erotic text messages took the crime to a sick and stupid new low. After all, uncovering text messages you’ve sent or received is one of the easiest things for law enforcement to do. You may as well send a copy of the text message right to the cops to cut out the middleman and the need for them to go through the process of getting a warrant. But Chester’s stupidity didn’t end there, oh no. She compounded her error further by calling her teen lover after she had been charged, pissing off the prosecution even more. Now, Chester has pleaded guilty to statutory sexual assault, corruption of a minor and criminal use of a cell phone. Way to hit the trifecta, Beth. You get to spend the next three years in the hole now and this kid gets to enjoy quasi-celebrity status among his classmates for hitting it with a teacher, then years of therapy once the weight of what you did to him sinks in…..
Sunday, August 24, 2008
No biting in the Olympics, idiots try to set records and fraudulent sushi
- There are times when three years, nine months in prison just doesn’t seem like a stiff enough sentence, not when dealing with sick puds like Phillip Thompson of Stockton-on-Tees, England. For a man that law enforcement in this town in northeastern England are calling the “librarian” of a child porn ring that possessed more than 250,000 indecent images of children, that sentence could be tripled and it still wouldn’t be stiff enough. Worse still, Thompson distributed his freakery to subscribers in more than 30 countries around the world, making him and international pervert of the highest degree. I’m just thinking out loud here, but I’m putting the odds on Thompson having a MySpace page at 87 percent, give or take a few. You’re not that big a pedophile without frequenting the world’s biggest haven for pedophiles, that’s for sure. Either way, this story can do nothing but make my stomach churn at the mere thought of Thompson and his merry band of freaks sharing and looking at these indecent images, so let’s just keep moving…..
- With the success of Batman, Spiderman, X-Men and other comic book-base films in recent years, studios can’t move fast enough to snap up the rights to what they believe will be the next big movie based on a graphic novel. The hot candidate for that next big hit has been Watchmen, the big-screen adaptation of the comic book by Alan Moore and David Gibbons. The movie is slated for release in March 2009 and it’s already been featured in a cover story on Entertainment Weekly. However, the project hit a speed bump this week when 20th Century Fox (it’s not just the name of a great Doors song, people) claimed that it, not rival Warner Bros., owns the rights to the film and that Warner Bros. failed to acquire those rights. That would keep Warner from putting out the movie, at least until Fox extracted a hefty fee for it - assuming Fox’s argument holds up. So far, Fox is winning the legal battle, with a federal judge refusing to dismiss Fox’s legal action this week. That ruling means the two sides will engage in discovery and proceed with the case, but the judge making the ruling did not offer any opinion on the merits of the case. If I’m betting on this one, it ends with Warner Bros. paying out a major settlement to Fox and everyone coming out of this with even more money in their pockets….well, everyone except movie fans who pay $10 a ticket to see it……
- Leave it to two teenage girls to bring New York City’s food industry to its knees. Okay, so they didn’t exactly go that far, but Kate Stoeckle and Louisa Strauss did reveal significant false advertising and dishonesty in both seafood restaurants and in stores selling items from the sea. Citing a love for both seafood and DNA testing, Stoeckle and Strauss decided to find out whether the sushi they were being served at their favorite Manhattan eateries was the real deal. The pair visited four NYC restaurants and 10 stores, spending around $300 to buy what was billed as high-class sushi. They then shipped their slimy purchases off to a graduate assistant at the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada. After that, the two graduates of Manhattan’s Trinity School received word that the sushi wasn’t what it was billed to be. Well, it was still raw, slimy and disgusting, so in that sense it was as advertised. However, a DNA coding test that Stoeckle’s scientist-father Mark is a major advocate of proved that the high-class sushi was really lower-grade fish being passed off as the real thing. Kate Stoeckle explained the experiment and her motivation for it thusly, in a way that I’m sure all of us can relate to: “Growing up, DNA bar coding was dinner conversation, so it comes naturally.” Mmm hmm, sure. I know that DNA coding was always a big point of conversation at my house growing up. In fact, it’s all anyone wanted to talk about. Eventually we had to drop a moratorium on the DNA coding talk because it was the only way to get anyone to discuss anything else. Score one for rich, privileged white chicks from Manhattan, taking the seafood industry down a peg……
- This might sound a little extreme, but I believe it’s time to consider banning the Guinness Book of World Records. Sure, it seems harmless to have a publication that records the largest birdhouse made of popsicle sticks, the most people playing the opening riff of “Smoke on the Water” or the most people riding a unicycle at the same time in one place, but the book also inspires knobs like Jim Purol to do what they do. Who is Jim Purol, you ask? Purol is the a-hole who spent two entire days at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California last month, looking to set the record for….wait for it….wait for it….Most Seats Sat in in 48 Hours! Yes, this knob went all around the stadium, sitting down in seat after seat, looking to set a world record. He did so, managing to successfully plop his sorry ass into 39,250 seats in 48 hours. Well done, idiot. You can successfully stand up and sit down, your family must be very proud of you. Of course, Purol didn’t stop there. No, he went on to sit in every one of the stadium’s 92,542 chairs. Awesome, right? Who isn't impressed by a person who can sit down in a chair? And who do we have to thank for this pointless display of sitting? Well, aside from Purol himself and his parents, we can thank the Guinness Book of World Records for “inspiring” Purol to attempt this ginormous waste of time in the first place. If we simply banned the publication, it would force all the losers who try to set world records in similarly moronic feats to shift their focus elsewhere. Something to consider….
- Last time I checked, biting was not an Olympic event, nor was it an acceptable tactic in any Olympic event. Someone should have forwarded that memo to Dzhakhon Kurbanov, a light heavyweight boxer from Tajikistan who was disqualified for biting his opponent on the shoulder during their Olympic quarterfinal bout Tuesday night. Kurbanov’s bout with Kazakhstan's Yerkebulan Shynaliyev was stopped with 17 seconds left in the third round when Kurbanov bit Shynaliyev during a clinch. For some reason, Shynaliyev didn’t appreciate being bitten by his oppnenet and angrily showed the blood on his shoulder to the referee. You can see where Kurbanov might go to the biting tactic, what with being down 12-6 at the time and having virtually no chance to win on points. Of course, he could still have won via knockout, but why bother trying to outbox your opponent when you can just take a bite out of his shoulder? It was the last in a series of rule-bending tactics for Kurbanov, who had already been warned multiple times for shoving and holding during the bout. The DQ was a disappointing ending for Kurbanov, a 22-year-old fighter who started his Olympic journey off with a bang last week by beating world champion Abbos Atoev in his first bout. Not the best way to cap off your first Olympics, trying to turn your opponent’s shoulder into an after-dinner snack. Ironically,
former world heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield was in attendance for the evening card at Workers' Gymnasium, the same Holyfield who was infamously bitten on the ear by Mike Tyson on June 28, 1997. I didn’t know Mike Tyson was now a boxing coach in Tajikistan, but Mike needs something to occupy his time and I suppose this is as good a pursuit as any….
- With the success of Batman, Spiderman, X-Men and other comic book-base films in recent years, studios can’t move fast enough to snap up the rights to what they believe will be the next big movie based on a graphic novel. The hot candidate for that next big hit has been Watchmen, the big-screen adaptation of the comic book by Alan Moore and David Gibbons. The movie is slated for release in March 2009 and it’s already been featured in a cover story on Entertainment Weekly. However, the project hit a speed bump this week when 20th Century Fox (it’s not just the name of a great Doors song, people) claimed that it, not rival Warner Bros., owns the rights to the film and that Warner Bros. failed to acquire those rights. That would keep Warner from putting out the movie, at least until Fox extracted a hefty fee for it - assuming Fox’s argument holds up. So far, Fox is winning the legal battle, with a federal judge refusing to dismiss Fox’s legal action this week. That ruling means the two sides will engage in discovery and proceed with the case, but the judge making the ruling did not offer any opinion on the merits of the case. If I’m betting on this one, it ends with Warner Bros. paying out a major settlement to Fox and everyone coming out of this with even more money in their pockets….well, everyone except movie fans who pay $10 a ticket to see it……
- Leave it to two teenage girls to bring New York City’s food industry to its knees. Okay, so they didn’t exactly go that far, but Kate Stoeckle and Louisa Strauss did reveal significant false advertising and dishonesty in both seafood restaurants and in stores selling items from the sea. Citing a love for both seafood and DNA testing, Stoeckle and Strauss decided to find out whether the sushi they were being served at their favorite Manhattan eateries was the real deal. The pair visited four NYC restaurants and 10 stores, spending around $300 to buy what was billed as high-class sushi. They then shipped their slimy purchases off to a graduate assistant at the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada. After that, the two graduates of Manhattan’s Trinity School received word that the sushi wasn’t what it was billed to be. Well, it was still raw, slimy and disgusting, so in that sense it was as advertised. However, a DNA coding test that Stoeckle’s scientist-father Mark is a major advocate of proved that the high-class sushi was really lower-grade fish being passed off as the real thing. Kate Stoeckle explained the experiment and her motivation for it thusly, in a way that I’m sure all of us can relate to: “Growing up, DNA bar coding was dinner conversation, so it comes naturally.” Mmm hmm, sure. I know that DNA coding was always a big point of conversation at my house growing up. In fact, it’s all anyone wanted to talk about. Eventually we had to drop a moratorium on the DNA coding talk because it was the only way to get anyone to discuss anything else. Score one for rich, privileged white chicks from Manhattan, taking the seafood industry down a peg……
- This might sound a little extreme, but I believe it’s time to consider banning the Guinness Book of World Records. Sure, it seems harmless to have a publication that records the largest birdhouse made of popsicle sticks, the most people playing the opening riff of “Smoke on the Water” or the most people riding a unicycle at the same time in one place, but the book also inspires knobs like Jim Purol to do what they do. Who is Jim Purol, you ask? Purol is the a-hole who spent two entire days at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California last month, looking to set the record for….wait for it….wait for it….Most Seats Sat in in 48 Hours! Yes, this knob went all around the stadium, sitting down in seat after seat, looking to set a world record. He did so, managing to successfully plop his sorry ass into 39,250 seats in 48 hours. Well done, idiot. You can successfully stand up and sit down, your family must be very proud of you. Of course, Purol didn’t stop there. No, he went on to sit in every one of the stadium’s 92,542 chairs. Awesome, right? Who isn't impressed by a person who can sit down in a chair? And who do we have to thank for this pointless display of sitting? Well, aside from Purol himself and his parents, we can thank the Guinness Book of World Records for “inspiring” Purol to attempt this ginormous waste of time in the first place. If we simply banned the publication, it would force all the losers who try to set world records in similarly moronic feats to shift their focus elsewhere. Something to consider….
- Last time I checked, biting was not an Olympic event, nor was it an acceptable tactic in any Olympic event. Someone should have forwarded that memo to Dzhakhon Kurbanov, a light heavyweight boxer from Tajikistan who was disqualified for biting his opponent on the shoulder during their Olympic quarterfinal bout Tuesday night. Kurbanov’s bout with Kazakhstan's Yerkebulan Shynaliyev was stopped with 17 seconds left in the third round when Kurbanov bit Shynaliyev during a clinch. For some reason, Shynaliyev didn’t appreciate being bitten by his oppnenet and angrily showed the blood on his shoulder to the referee. You can see where Kurbanov might go to the biting tactic, what with being down 12-6 at the time and having virtually no chance to win on points. Of course, he could still have won via knockout, but why bother trying to outbox your opponent when you can just take a bite out of his shoulder? It was the last in a series of rule-bending tactics for Kurbanov, who had already been warned multiple times for shoving and holding during the bout. The DQ was a disappointing ending for Kurbanov, a 22-year-old fighter who started his Olympic journey off with a bang last week by beating world champion Abbos Atoev in his first bout. Not the best way to cap off your first Olympics, trying to turn your opponent’s shoulder into an after-dinner snack. Ironically,
former world heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield was in attendance for the evening card at Workers' Gymnasium, the same Holyfield who was infamously bitten on the ear by Mike Tyson on June 28, 1997. I didn’t know Mike Tyson was now a boxing coach in Tajikistan, but Mike needs something to occupy his time and I suppose this is as good a pursuit as any….
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Bad days for Gary Glitter, an Ivy League knob and a solid, flag-waving protest
- Here you go, tech dorks (okay, so I’m one of you), your next big “get” is about to make its debut as a worldwide “must-have” item. The “wallet phone” has been available in Japan since 2004, but it hasn’t been a factor in the tech market anywhere outside the Land of the Rising Sun. Soon, Japanese tech companies will be launching a worldwide marketing push for the phone, which relies on a small computer chip called FeliCa, which is embedded in the phone. The chip communicates with a reader device at stores, train stations, vending machines, etc. for cashless payments. Sony Corp. is the maker of the phone, which uses technology common in smart cards. Smart cards are more popular in Europe than the United States at this point, but if Japanese companies like NTT DoCoMo have their way, this technology will be in American hands more often and in short order……
- Stories like that of Natalie du Toit are what makes the Olympics great, much more so than tales of Michael Phelps’ greatness or the U.S. men’s basketball team’s return to dominance. See, du Toit is an athlete who lost one of her legs in that horrendous motorcycle accident and yet here she is, competing in first open water swimming race in Olympic history. The 24-year-old South African was right in the thick of the race for most of the tough 6.2 mile course, but fell off the pace near the end and finished 16th on Wednesday. She was obviously disappointed by where she finished, but the spirit and toughness of this amputee made a big impact on anyone who saw her, even if she finished more than a minute behind gold medalist Larisa Ilchenko of Russia. “I tried my best,” du Toit said. “I'm not too happy with it, but I'll be back for 2012.”
She is every bit as tough and talented as the 24 other swimmers she competed against. “My message isn't just to disabled people,” du Toit declared. “It's to everyone out there that you have to work hard. I've been through a lot of ups and downs ... but I've seen a lot of good things along the way. I was able to use the negativism in a good light and say after my accident, 'I can still do it if I work hard.' You have to set dreams, set goals and never give up.” There’s no better way to proclaim that message than to do what du Toit did, not being bitter over what she’s lost and finding a way back. Heck, she even carried the South African flag in the Opening Ceremony and hung with the lead pack much of her race. If not for a problem with her cap, which caught on a buoy and forced her to spend much of the race fiddling with it, making sure it didn't fall off, her time could have been even better. Of course, she would be the last one to use that excuse and it’s why she’s gotten back to where she is. Her courageous swim of 2 hours, 49.9 seconds may not have won a medal, but it should be remembered as more than most medal-winning swims. For a woman who just missed qualifying for the 2000 Sydney Games and saw her life nearly crumble in 2001, it has been an amazing journey. While returning to school on a motorbike after a training session, she collided with a car and sustained massive injuries to her left leg. For a week, her doctors attempted to save the leg but eventually had to amputate at the knee. But du Toit was back in the water six months later and when the open-water swim was added to the program for Beijing, she saw her chance and took it. Du Toit qualified for the Olympics with a fourth-place finish at the World Championships in Spain this year. Even the officials at the venue recognized her efforts;
she received a special gift from officials at the rowing basin: a traditional Chinese drawing encased in a wooden box. The race may not have received as much air time as the Redeem Team, May and Walsh in beach volleyball or Phelps in the pool, but it’s a more powerful image than any of them as these Games wind down….
- A flag-waving march by thousands of people is a classic form of protest, a time-tested way of showing your dissent and showing off a little patriotism in the process. Granted, there are no overturned/burned cars, looted storefronts or violent clashes with cops in riot gear, but you can still get your message across. So when thousands of flag-waving Muslims marched on the United Nations office in Indian Kashmir’s main city, I was happy to see it. Thousands of angry individuals directing their rage at the U.N. to demand that India give up its claim to the region is cool with me. The Kashmir region has been a tinderbox of political unrest for a long time now, so any quick solution is unlikely. In the meantime, why not stage some angry protests, throw out some ultimatums, make hostile demands and have the various sides in the dispute go after one another? How else would you like to pass the time? Sitting down at the negotiating table in some stiff, stuffy board room? Borrrrrring. Let’s battle it out in the streets, have some showdowns and get dissident, everyone!
- Even in the Ivy League, there are ignorant knobs who seem to take immense pride in being ridiculous jackasses who create problems over pointless issues. Witness the following a-hole, who has been busy crusading against ladies’ nights in bars in and around New York City and is now turning his misguided focus to Columbia University’s women’s studies program. His claim is that the program is unconstitutional, which is absurd on many levels. First, anyone can major in women’s studies if they choose, so it’s not exclusionary. Second, what’s wrong with wanting to learn more about the role of women in society, both now and in the past? And oh yeah, who the frak objects to ladies’ nights? The idea is to bring more hot chicks out to the bar, which most guys would consider a win-win situation. Just because the ladies get cheap drinks doesn’t mean there’s anything to gripe about, loser. Heck, if it’s that much of an issue, just have a female friend get a cheap drink and give it to you - that would be if you had any female friends, which, judging by your bass-ackwards stance on women’s issues, I’m guessing you don’t. Nice to know that there are still mindless tools out there with time to waste on the most idiotic of issues…..
- Not a banner day for disgraced British glam rocker Gary Glitter Wednesday. Of course, there really aren't any good days to be Gary Glitter right about now, but the only person to blame for that is Gary Glitter. The G-Man spent nearly three years in a Vietnamese prison for molesting children, so he’s persona non grata in a lot of places right now. For example, he was denied entry to Hong Kong this week after refusing to return to England, officials in Hong Kong said. “The Chinese authorities have informed us that they have refused Paul Gadd entry into Hong Kong,” a spokeswoman for Britain's Foreign Office said. In case you didn’t know, Glitter's real name is Paul Francis Gadd. Another Foreign Office spokesman said Glitter was interviewed by Chinese immigrations officials after arriving in Hong Kong and subsequently turned away “as a result of those interviews.” I wasn’t in the room for any of the interviews, but I’d guess they went something like this:
Official: Aren't you Gary Glitter, the has-been glam rocker?
Glitter: Yes I am, I’m a major celebrity and -
Official: Aren't you a convicted pedophile?
Glitter: Yeah, but -
Official: You need to leave - now.
Of course, Hong Kong government is in good company when it comes to denying entry to glitter; it was the third country to bar Glitter in the last two days. It all started Tuesday night, when Glitter was taken from his prison cell to a flight out of Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam, with his itinerary calling for him to change planes in Bangkok en route to London. That was the plan, but when Glitter refused to board a flight to England because of an alleged earache, Thai authorities would not allow him to pass through immigration. According to Lt. Gen. Chatchawal Suksomchit, the chief of Thailand's immigration police, Glitter was denied entry because under Thai immigration laws those convicted of child sex abuse in a foreign country can be barred. Always a safe policy, sticking with the pedophiles you already have in your country and not stocking up on new ones. Thai officials then turned Glitter over to the custody of Thai Airways Wednesday afternoon after he agreed to travel to a third country. In case you don’t know the specifics of Glitter’s pedophilia and sexual freakery, he was convicted in March 2006 of committing “obscene acts with children,” and served two years and nine months of a three-year sentence. The incidents involved two girls, ages 10 and 11, from the southern coastal city of Vung Tau, whom Glitter was found guilty of molesting the girls at his seaside villa in Vung Tau and in nearby hotels. Hard to imagine what country wouldn’t want a fine, upstanding human being like that within its borders…..
- Stories like that of Natalie du Toit are what makes the Olympics great, much more so than tales of Michael Phelps’ greatness or the U.S. men’s basketball team’s return to dominance. See, du Toit is an athlete who lost one of her legs in that horrendous motorcycle accident and yet here she is, competing in first open water swimming race in Olympic history. The 24-year-old South African was right in the thick of the race for most of the tough 6.2 mile course, but fell off the pace near the end and finished 16th on Wednesday. She was obviously disappointed by where she finished, but the spirit and toughness of this amputee made a big impact on anyone who saw her, even if she finished more than a minute behind gold medalist Larisa Ilchenko of Russia. “I tried my best,” du Toit said. “I'm not too happy with it, but I'll be back for 2012.”
She is every bit as tough and talented as the 24 other swimmers she competed against. “My message isn't just to disabled people,” du Toit declared. “It's to everyone out there that you have to work hard. I've been through a lot of ups and downs ... but I've seen a lot of good things along the way. I was able to use the negativism in a good light and say after my accident, 'I can still do it if I work hard.' You have to set dreams, set goals and never give up.” There’s no better way to proclaim that message than to do what du Toit did, not being bitter over what she’s lost and finding a way back. Heck, she even carried the South African flag in the Opening Ceremony and hung with the lead pack much of her race. If not for a problem with her cap, which caught on a buoy and forced her to spend much of the race fiddling with it, making sure it didn't fall off, her time could have been even better. Of course, she would be the last one to use that excuse and it’s why she’s gotten back to where she is. Her courageous swim of 2 hours, 49.9 seconds may not have won a medal, but it should be remembered as more than most medal-winning swims. For a woman who just missed qualifying for the 2000 Sydney Games and saw her life nearly crumble in 2001, it has been an amazing journey. While returning to school on a motorbike after a training session, she collided with a car and sustained massive injuries to her left leg. For a week, her doctors attempted to save the leg but eventually had to amputate at the knee. But du Toit was back in the water six months later and when the open-water swim was added to the program for Beijing, she saw her chance and took it. Du Toit qualified for the Olympics with a fourth-place finish at the World Championships in Spain this year. Even the officials at the venue recognized her efforts;
she received a special gift from officials at the rowing basin: a traditional Chinese drawing encased in a wooden box. The race may not have received as much air time as the Redeem Team, May and Walsh in beach volleyball or Phelps in the pool, but it’s a more powerful image than any of them as these Games wind down….
- A flag-waving march by thousands of people is a classic form of protest, a time-tested way of showing your dissent and showing off a little patriotism in the process. Granted, there are no overturned/burned cars, looted storefronts or violent clashes with cops in riot gear, but you can still get your message across. So when thousands of flag-waving Muslims marched on the United Nations office in Indian Kashmir’s main city, I was happy to see it. Thousands of angry individuals directing their rage at the U.N. to demand that India give up its claim to the region is cool with me. The Kashmir region has been a tinderbox of political unrest for a long time now, so any quick solution is unlikely. In the meantime, why not stage some angry protests, throw out some ultimatums, make hostile demands and have the various sides in the dispute go after one another? How else would you like to pass the time? Sitting down at the negotiating table in some stiff, stuffy board room? Borrrrrring. Let’s battle it out in the streets, have some showdowns and get dissident, everyone!
- Even in the Ivy League, there are ignorant knobs who seem to take immense pride in being ridiculous jackasses who create problems over pointless issues. Witness the following a-hole, who has been busy crusading against ladies’ nights in bars in and around New York City and is now turning his misguided focus to Columbia University’s women’s studies program. His claim is that the program is unconstitutional, which is absurd on many levels. First, anyone can major in women’s studies if they choose, so it’s not exclusionary. Second, what’s wrong with wanting to learn more about the role of women in society, both now and in the past? And oh yeah, who the frak objects to ladies’ nights? The idea is to bring more hot chicks out to the bar, which most guys would consider a win-win situation. Just because the ladies get cheap drinks doesn’t mean there’s anything to gripe about, loser. Heck, if it’s that much of an issue, just have a female friend get a cheap drink and give it to you - that would be if you had any female friends, which, judging by your bass-ackwards stance on women’s issues, I’m guessing you don’t. Nice to know that there are still mindless tools out there with time to waste on the most idiotic of issues…..
- Not a banner day for disgraced British glam rocker Gary Glitter Wednesday. Of course, there really aren't any good days to be Gary Glitter right about now, but the only person to blame for that is Gary Glitter. The G-Man spent nearly three years in a Vietnamese prison for molesting children, so he’s persona non grata in a lot of places right now. For example, he was denied entry to Hong Kong this week after refusing to return to England, officials in Hong Kong said. “The Chinese authorities have informed us that they have refused Paul Gadd entry into Hong Kong,” a spokeswoman for Britain's Foreign Office said. In case you didn’t know, Glitter's real name is Paul Francis Gadd. Another Foreign Office spokesman said Glitter was interviewed by Chinese immigrations officials after arriving in Hong Kong and subsequently turned away “as a result of those interviews.” I wasn’t in the room for any of the interviews, but I’d guess they went something like this:
Official: Aren't you Gary Glitter, the has-been glam rocker?
Glitter: Yes I am, I’m a major celebrity and -
Official: Aren't you a convicted pedophile?
Glitter: Yeah, but -
Official: You need to leave - now.
Of course, Hong Kong government is in good company when it comes to denying entry to glitter; it was the third country to bar Glitter in the last two days. It all started Tuesday night, when Glitter was taken from his prison cell to a flight out of Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam, with his itinerary calling for him to change planes in Bangkok en route to London. That was the plan, but when Glitter refused to board a flight to England because of an alleged earache, Thai authorities would not allow him to pass through immigration. According to Lt. Gen. Chatchawal Suksomchit, the chief of Thailand's immigration police, Glitter was denied entry because under Thai immigration laws those convicted of child sex abuse in a foreign country can be barred. Always a safe policy, sticking with the pedophiles you already have in your country and not stocking up on new ones. Thai officials then turned Glitter over to the custody of Thai Airways Wednesday afternoon after he agreed to travel to a third country. In case you don’t know the specifics of Glitter’s pedophilia and sexual freakery, he was convicted in March 2006 of committing “obscene acts with children,” and served two years and nine months of a three-year sentence. The incidents involved two girls, ages 10 and 11, from the southern coastal city of Vung Tau, whom Glitter was found guilty of molesting the girls at his seaside villa in Vung Tau and in nearby hotels. Hard to imagine what country wouldn’t want a fine, upstanding human being like that within its borders…..
Friday, August 22, 2008
Hip-hop lit, I talk to the IOC and a horror in Iraq
- To be honest, I haven’t had much interest in the military conflict between Georgia and Russia. Georgia v. Russia is several continents away, two countries battling over control of a region that has nothing to do with my daily life here in the United States. As long as neither of them is looking to attack the U.S. or start a world war, let them settle their own differences. That was my thinking, right up ‘til the point Russian President Dmitry Medvedev made things interesting with a good “moron” blast. Any time an international leader for a world power wants to drop an idiot bomb on someone, count me in. Medvedev was looking to crack on Georgian leaders who have accused the Russians of ethnic cleansing and he broke out the heavy verbal artillery. “The world has seen that even today, there are political morons who are ready to kill innocent people in order to satisfy their self-serving interests,” growled Medvedev while speaking at a military outpost in Vladikavkaz, nearing the Russia-Georgia border. Georgian Ambassador Vasil Sikharulidze fired back, saying the Russian invasion of the South Ossetia region of Georgia was planned out well in advance, as moving so many tanks and troops in a short time on Aug. 7 could not have been spur of the moment. This conflict has been steadily escalating since then, but it wasn’t until Medvedev decided to liven things up with his “moron” blast that I really became interested. Thanks for that, D., keep it coming…..
- One plate of crow for the Cincinnati Bengals, please. The team that has secured the mantle as the most felonious team in the NFL is bringing back troubled receiver Chris Henry because of injuries to their two top receivers. The move was made official on Tuesday just one month after head coach Marvin Lewis emphatically ruled out and classified as inappropriate. Henry was suspended by the NFL for two games in 2006 and for the first eight games of last season for repeatedly violating its player conduct policies and he must sit out the first four games of this season for his latest court case, which ended in a mistrial with the assault charges against him later dropped. Before training camp began last month, the Bengals released him, with owner Mike Brown stating in no uncertain terms that Henry had to go. "His conduct can no longer be tolerated," Brown said at the time. "The Bengals tried for an extended period of time to support Chris and his potentially bright career. We had hoped to guide him toward an appropriate standard of personal responsibility that this community would support and that would allow him to play in the NFL. ... But those efforts end today, as we move on with what is best for our team." Strong words, but when a guy has been arrested five times since he joined your team, makes sense. Then at the team’s annual preseason luncheon on July 22, Lewis seemed to back up his owner’s stance. “I'm not interested,” Lewis declared. “I don't think it would be productive for our football team. You have to be a productive part to be an NFL player, and there's responsibilities to being an NFL player. It's a privilege, it's not a right. There's a lot that comes with being an NFL football player.” Of course, that was then and this is now, after \Pro Bowl receiver Chad Johnson sprained his left shoulder during a 27-10 preseason loss to Detroit on Sunday night and Pro Bowl receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh has missed both preseason games with a hamstring injury. I guess the Bengals are committed to cleaning up their image and establishing high standards for team character….as long as it won't cause them to lose games. I’m all for giving guys second chances, but he’s been arrested five times and suspended three times by the NFL, he’s well beyond his allotted slate of chances and halfway through someone else’s supply of them. Plus, the Bengals are a team that had 10 players arrested over a 14-month span, so they just don’t have the same leeway other franchises might have in this situation. Nice to know that my favorite team of felons is still doing business the exact same way…..
- The Adib al-Jumaili mosque is not exactly the kind of warm, welcoming place of worship that you would expect most religious centers to be. The building has bloodstains all over its walls and on its floor, chunks of hair scattered around the interior and was home to the bodies of two dozens victims, killed by a Shiite militia known as the Mehdi Army. The mosque was abandoned as the group pulled back from several strongholds around Iraq. Those tortured and killed were accused of being spies for the U.S. military, but the torture they went through seems to go far beyond what anyone could imagine, even for a spy. several strongholds around Iraq. Those tortured and killed were accused of being spies for the U.S. military, but the torture they went through seems to go far beyond what anyone could imagine, even for a spy. “This is what they used for hanging," explains Abu Muhanad, leader of a U.S.-backed group that now controls the mosque. “Here is a chain we found tied to an old man's body.” Making matters worse is that residents who live near the mosque say they could hear the victims’ screams. The scumbags in the Mehdi Army controlled of the mosque from at least January 2007 until May of this year. Family members of many victims don't know why their loved ones disappeared. Among the victims were both Shiite and Sunni Muslims, making the brutality even more perplexing. Even though the atrocities in the mosque are over, a chilling reminder of their grisly reality remains. Spray painted on the walls is a warning: “Spies, you will dig your own graves. Long live the Mehdi Army.” Now controlling the mosque are the Sons of Iraq, a local armed group that is largely financed by the Americans working alongside the Iraqi police. All in all, this is just one more horrific reminder of what a massive tragedy the war in Iraq has been from its start to its yet-to-be-determined finish at some mythical date in the years ahead…..
- There have been some great moments in these Olympics: the U.S. men’s basketball team’s games, Michael Phelps’ historic run, the excitement of the men’s 100 meters at the track and field competition, even the women’s marathon. However, I feel like it’s time for the International Olympic Committee and I to have a talk. So if the rest of you could excuse us for a moment, the IOC and I need to chat. I’ll give you a minute to back off…..all right, now that it’s just us, IOC, there are a few “sports” at the Olympics we need to talk about. Let’s begin with trampoline gymnastics. To be blunt, it’s not a sport. If I can see a couple of 10-year-olds in my neighborhood doing it in their bare feet before going inside to watch Hannah Montana, it doesn’t belong in the Olympics. Climbing on a rectangular trampoline with an X in the middle and bouncing up and down for a few minutes doesn’t qualify you to be an Olympian, it makes you one of the people in my back yard at a cookout. However, compared to race walking, trampoline gymnastics may not be quite as bad. Race walking is just a souped-up version of the power walking that old people do when they walk at the mall in the morning. They pump their arms and look ridiculous, all while trying to out-stroll their competition. Since when is walking a sport? Almost all of us walk the majority of our day, every day. The ability to walk doesn’t make you an Olympian, it makes you a human being with an intact spine and functioning legs. Lastly, let’s tackle dressage, wherein I saw dudes in tuxedo jackets and top hats prancing horses around a giant square inside a small stadium. Great, you can make a horse dance and walk in a straight line, congrats. You can be the next horse whisperer, not the next Olympian. A good rule of thumb is that if you can do your “sport” in a tuxedo coat and top hat, it’s not a sport. So if you could tackle these issues before the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, IOC, that would really make things a lot better. Stop eliminating actual sports like softball and baseball from future games and start getting rid of non-sports like race walking, anything involving a trampoline and dressage…..
- For those of you who have been lamenting the lack of good hip-hop literature, the return of hip-hop magazine the Source should come as welcome news. The publication ended up in bankruptcy last year but is now being revived and readied to celebrate its 20th anniversary. “It’s a very seminal period, an opportunity to both celebrate 20 years of content and the fact that the Source was once a leader in chronicling the culture of hip-hip,” said L. Londell McMillan, who along with investment banker Jeffrey Scott purchased the Source this year. The first issue upon the mag’s return will feature four different covers, each showing a hip-hop pioneer: LL Cool J, Queen Latifah and Nas, all photographed by legendary director Spike Lee. Inside, there will be an in-depth discussion of hip-hop’s role in society, led by Public Enemy’s Chuck D. The reinvented magazine will also showcase sections lifestyle, travel, business and education. The hope for its proprietors is that the Source will once again rise and rival some of the very magazines whose rise it helped facilitate, publications such as Vibe, which just celebrated its 15th anniversary. As someone who isn't a big hip-hop fan but does listen to a few select artists, I wish the Source well and hope it succeeds in shining a light on a genre of music that too often gets a bad rap…..
- One plate of crow for the Cincinnati Bengals, please. The team that has secured the mantle as the most felonious team in the NFL is bringing back troubled receiver Chris Henry because of injuries to their two top receivers. The move was made official on Tuesday just one month after head coach Marvin Lewis emphatically ruled out and classified as inappropriate. Henry was suspended by the NFL for two games in 2006 and for the first eight games of last season for repeatedly violating its player conduct policies and he must sit out the first four games of this season for his latest court case, which ended in a mistrial with the assault charges against him later dropped. Before training camp began last month, the Bengals released him, with owner Mike Brown stating in no uncertain terms that Henry had to go. "His conduct can no longer be tolerated," Brown said at the time. "The Bengals tried for an extended period of time to support Chris and his potentially bright career. We had hoped to guide him toward an appropriate standard of personal responsibility that this community would support and that would allow him to play in the NFL. ... But those efforts end today, as we move on with what is best for our team." Strong words, but when a guy has been arrested five times since he joined your team, makes sense. Then at the team’s annual preseason luncheon on July 22, Lewis seemed to back up his owner’s stance. “I'm not interested,” Lewis declared. “I don't think it would be productive for our football team. You have to be a productive part to be an NFL player, and there's responsibilities to being an NFL player. It's a privilege, it's not a right. There's a lot that comes with being an NFL football player.” Of course, that was then and this is now, after \Pro Bowl receiver Chad Johnson sprained his left shoulder during a 27-10 preseason loss to Detroit on Sunday night and Pro Bowl receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh has missed both preseason games with a hamstring injury. I guess the Bengals are committed to cleaning up their image and establishing high standards for team character….as long as it won't cause them to lose games. I’m all for giving guys second chances, but he’s been arrested five times and suspended three times by the NFL, he’s well beyond his allotted slate of chances and halfway through someone else’s supply of them. Plus, the Bengals are a team that had 10 players arrested over a 14-month span, so they just don’t have the same leeway other franchises might have in this situation. Nice to know that my favorite team of felons is still doing business the exact same way…..
- The Adib al-Jumaili mosque is not exactly the kind of warm, welcoming place of worship that you would expect most religious centers to be. The building has bloodstains all over its walls and on its floor, chunks of hair scattered around the interior and was home to the bodies of two dozens victims, killed by a Shiite militia known as the Mehdi Army. The mosque was abandoned as the group pulled back from several strongholds around Iraq. Those tortured and killed were accused of being spies for the U.S. military, but the torture they went through seems to go far beyond what anyone could imagine, even for a spy. several strongholds around Iraq. Those tortured and killed were accused of being spies for the U.S. military, but the torture they went through seems to go far beyond what anyone could imagine, even for a spy. “This is what they used for hanging," explains Abu Muhanad, leader of a U.S.-backed group that now controls the mosque. “Here is a chain we found tied to an old man's body.” Making matters worse is that residents who live near the mosque say they could hear the victims’ screams. The scumbags in the Mehdi Army controlled of the mosque from at least January 2007 until May of this year. Family members of many victims don't know why their loved ones disappeared. Among the victims were both Shiite and Sunni Muslims, making the brutality even more perplexing. Even though the atrocities in the mosque are over, a chilling reminder of their grisly reality remains. Spray painted on the walls is a warning: “Spies, you will dig your own graves. Long live the Mehdi Army.” Now controlling the mosque are the Sons of Iraq, a local armed group that is largely financed by the Americans working alongside the Iraqi police. All in all, this is just one more horrific reminder of what a massive tragedy the war in Iraq has been from its start to its yet-to-be-determined finish at some mythical date in the years ahead…..
- There have been some great moments in these Olympics: the U.S. men’s basketball team’s games, Michael Phelps’ historic run, the excitement of the men’s 100 meters at the track and field competition, even the women’s marathon. However, I feel like it’s time for the International Olympic Committee and I to have a talk. So if the rest of you could excuse us for a moment, the IOC and I need to chat. I’ll give you a minute to back off…..all right, now that it’s just us, IOC, there are a few “sports” at the Olympics we need to talk about. Let’s begin with trampoline gymnastics. To be blunt, it’s not a sport. If I can see a couple of 10-year-olds in my neighborhood doing it in their bare feet before going inside to watch Hannah Montana, it doesn’t belong in the Olympics. Climbing on a rectangular trampoline with an X in the middle and bouncing up and down for a few minutes doesn’t qualify you to be an Olympian, it makes you one of the people in my back yard at a cookout. However, compared to race walking, trampoline gymnastics may not be quite as bad. Race walking is just a souped-up version of the power walking that old people do when they walk at the mall in the morning. They pump their arms and look ridiculous, all while trying to out-stroll their competition. Since when is walking a sport? Almost all of us walk the majority of our day, every day. The ability to walk doesn’t make you an Olympian, it makes you a human being with an intact spine and functioning legs. Lastly, let’s tackle dressage, wherein I saw dudes in tuxedo jackets and top hats prancing horses around a giant square inside a small stadium. Great, you can make a horse dance and walk in a straight line, congrats. You can be the next horse whisperer, not the next Olympian. A good rule of thumb is that if you can do your “sport” in a tuxedo coat and top hat, it’s not a sport. So if you could tackle these issues before the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, IOC, that would really make things a lot better. Stop eliminating actual sports like softball and baseball from future games and start getting rid of non-sports like race walking, anything involving a trampoline and dressage…..
- For those of you who have been lamenting the lack of good hip-hop literature, the return of hip-hop magazine the Source should come as welcome news. The publication ended up in bankruptcy last year but is now being revived and readied to celebrate its 20th anniversary. “It’s a very seminal period, an opportunity to both celebrate 20 years of content and the fact that the Source was once a leader in chronicling the culture of hip-hip,” said L. Londell McMillan, who along with investment banker Jeffrey Scott purchased the Source this year. The first issue upon the mag’s return will feature four different covers, each showing a hip-hop pioneer: LL Cool J, Queen Latifah and Nas, all photographed by legendary director Spike Lee. Inside, there will be an in-depth discussion of hip-hop’s role in society, led by Public Enemy’s Chuck D. The reinvented magazine will also showcase sections lifestyle, travel, business and education. The hope for its proprietors is that the Source will once again rise and rival some of the very magazines whose rise it helped facilitate, publications such as Vibe, which just celebrated its 15th anniversary. As someone who isn't a big hip-hop fan but does listen to a few select artists, I wish the Source well and hope it succeeds in shining a light on a genre of music that too often gets a bad rap…..
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Video games are your friend, college presidents may be too and a chance of a lifetime for an Iraq veteran....or not
- File this under the heading of tragic, terrible irony. A woman in Houston is going to face some serious criminal charges after leaving her 3-year-old son locked inside her truck in 90-degree heat while she went to work her shift - at a freaking hospital. Yes, this idiot works at a hospital and yet she seems to be ignorant of how dangerous it is to leave anyone, let alone a toddler, locked inside a vehicle with the windows up during a hot summer day. The best part of the whole situation is the woman’s explanation of what happened. The mother of Cameron Thomas Boone says she simply forgot to drop the child off at day care prior to going to work. Are you freaking kidding me? You forgot to drop him off so that means you’re totally ignorant to his presence in the vehicle? Did the kid become invisible after you thought you dropped him off at day care? Do you automatically become oblivious to his presence any time you think he’s not with you? Who can be totally oblivious to their kid being in the car and forget all about them like that? He was three years old, for God’s sake, there’s no way that kid was quiet the whole ride. Chalk this up as more evidence that just because you are physically able to have a child doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for you to do so. A lot of people are just far too big of a moron to be a good parent…..
- Protests and protestors can be awesome for a wide range of reasons. You don’t need to have a solid, viable, rational cause to be a good rioter, protestor or social dissident. You don’t need to be smart, well-educated, reasonable or logical - in fact, it’s almost better if you aren't. While a highly organized, powerful mob of people clashing with police and threatening to burn down a government building or torch some police cars is great, so is a nutty group of 20 pro-sovereignty activists in Hawaii protesting for their state’s right to be a free and independent entity. For the second time this year, these whack-a-doos seized control of a state palace in Honolulu and posted signs reading “Property of the Kingdom of Hawaiian Trust.” They also locked the gates forced a few local cops to scale the gates and take back control of the historic Iolani Palace. What their quasi-hostile takeover accomplished, I don’t know. But that’s part of the greatness of protests, riots and other acts of social dissidence: they’re largely subjective. What one person deems a failure another person sees as a wildly successful riot. Also adding fuel to this fire is the fact that these activists are fighting for someone fairly irrational that will never, ever happen. There’s no war going on, no major political conflict and no mass push toward their goal. They are standing alone, a couple of dozen loonies against the world. Protest on, sovereignty rights activists of Hawaii, protest on…..
- In case you were wondering what you were fighting for in Iraq, American military personnel, allow me to remind you. Okay, so that’s not fair, none of us knows what the hell our troops have been in Iraq for, other than following the orders of idiotic leaders who fabricated evidence to justify the war with the American public. But as a reward for his efforts in that unjustified war, one fortunate veteran will receive….wait for it….a guest spot on ABC’s daytime soap opera “All My Children”! It’s true, no joke. The show has issued an open casting call for all Iraq war veterans to fill the role of a character named Brot. A quick aside….Brot? What the hell is that? Brot is something you put on the grill (spelled differently, but same sound), not a human being. Is that the best name you could come up with? Brot? A guy risks his life on the battlefield and he gets to be Brot? Brot’s story line will be as a wounded war veteran whose love interest believes is dead. He will allow her to think that and remain in hiding, which I’m sure matters to someone…somewhere….maybe. Theoretically the story line will put a spotlight on the difficulties many veterans face after returning for combat. Those looking to audition for the role can contact the show’s New York casting director. Of course, after serving with W. as your commander-in-chief, working for the knobs who run soap operas is actually a massive upgrade….
- College students, your president might not be as much of a tool as you think. No, seriously, the guy in the suit who seems to do nothing but attend luncheons, ribbon-cutting ceremonies and make long-winded speeches may be on your side, at least when it comes to one important issue: drinking. College presidents from nearly 100 colleges and universities have joined a group called the Amethyst Institute, an organization pushing our nation’s lawmakers to lower the legal drinking age from 21 to 18. The belief of the Amethyst Institute is that the current laws encourage underage drinking because the majority of college students are under the age of 21 even as alcohol is just about the most omnipresent thing on every campus, everywhere. “This is a law that is routinely evaded,” said John McCardell, the former president at Middlebury College in Vermont and a man with a talent for stating the obvious. No kidding, ace, college kids under 21 routinely break the law by drinking? What are you going to tell me next, that college students also like to sleep late, procrastinate on assignments and smoke weed? Next week, you can announce that the sky is blue and grass is green, those would be equally stunning revelations. Predictably, Mothers Against Drunk Driving (M.A.D.D.) isn't down with the idea to lower the legal drinking age, saying it would cause more deaths. On the opposing side are presidents from schools such as Duke, Dartmouth, Ohio State, Syracuse and Colgate. So think long and hard about your stance, M.A.D.D. You’re going up against some freaking smart people, even some Ivy Leaguers. Not that lowering the legal drinking age is going to make a difference one way or the other, of course. Kids who want to drink will find a way, law against it or not. If someone who is 18 or 19 wants booze on a college campus, he or she will find it. That will be the case whether it’s legal or not. So this whole debate is largely irrelevant, just don’t tell that to those fighting the battle…..
- Could video games actually be a valuable tool in helping students develop and refine their reasoning and cognitive processing skills? If you believe the cumulative results of several recent studies that were presented at the American Psychological Association’s convention in Boston this week, the answer is yes. According to those studies, students who play video games develop reasoning and planning skills that could help them throughout their lives. One study conducted by researchers at Fordham University asked 122 fifth, sixth and seventh graders to think out loud while playing a video game for 20 minutes. The study showed that many students, especially the younger ones, developed a series of problem-solving skills to help them succeed in the game. Creating these short-term goals could translate into other areas of life, thus making them more well-rounded, intelligent people. So I can safely say that I am correct in assuming that the game these kids played was Grand Theft Auto IV. After all, what better prepares you for life than stealing car, slapping ho’s, robbing people and sexing it up in the back seat of cars with hookers? Who doesn’t develop better reasoning and problem-solving skills during that type of activity? So parents, next time your child wants to keep playing video games instead of doing their homework, think twice before pulling the plug on them…..
- Protests and protestors can be awesome for a wide range of reasons. You don’t need to have a solid, viable, rational cause to be a good rioter, protestor or social dissident. You don’t need to be smart, well-educated, reasonable or logical - in fact, it’s almost better if you aren't. While a highly organized, powerful mob of people clashing with police and threatening to burn down a government building or torch some police cars is great, so is a nutty group of 20 pro-sovereignty activists in Hawaii protesting for their state’s right to be a free and independent entity. For the second time this year, these whack-a-doos seized control of a state palace in Honolulu and posted signs reading “Property of the Kingdom of Hawaiian Trust.” They also locked the gates forced a few local cops to scale the gates and take back control of the historic Iolani Palace. What their quasi-hostile takeover accomplished, I don’t know. But that’s part of the greatness of protests, riots and other acts of social dissidence: they’re largely subjective. What one person deems a failure another person sees as a wildly successful riot. Also adding fuel to this fire is the fact that these activists are fighting for someone fairly irrational that will never, ever happen. There’s no war going on, no major political conflict and no mass push toward their goal. They are standing alone, a couple of dozen loonies against the world. Protest on, sovereignty rights activists of Hawaii, protest on…..
- In case you were wondering what you were fighting for in Iraq, American military personnel, allow me to remind you. Okay, so that’s not fair, none of us knows what the hell our troops have been in Iraq for, other than following the orders of idiotic leaders who fabricated evidence to justify the war with the American public. But as a reward for his efforts in that unjustified war, one fortunate veteran will receive….wait for it….a guest spot on ABC’s daytime soap opera “All My Children”! It’s true, no joke. The show has issued an open casting call for all Iraq war veterans to fill the role of a character named Brot. A quick aside….Brot? What the hell is that? Brot is something you put on the grill (spelled differently, but same sound), not a human being. Is that the best name you could come up with? Brot? A guy risks his life on the battlefield and he gets to be Brot? Brot’s story line will be as a wounded war veteran whose love interest believes is dead. He will allow her to think that and remain in hiding, which I’m sure matters to someone…somewhere….maybe. Theoretically the story line will put a spotlight on the difficulties many veterans face after returning for combat. Those looking to audition for the role can contact the show’s New York casting director. Of course, after serving with W. as your commander-in-chief, working for the knobs who run soap operas is actually a massive upgrade….
- College students, your president might not be as much of a tool as you think. No, seriously, the guy in the suit who seems to do nothing but attend luncheons, ribbon-cutting ceremonies and make long-winded speeches may be on your side, at least when it comes to one important issue: drinking. College presidents from nearly 100 colleges and universities have joined a group called the Amethyst Institute, an organization pushing our nation’s lawmakers to lower the legal drinking age from 21 to 18. The belief of the Amethyst Institute is that the current laws encourage underage drinking because the majority of college students are under the age of 21 even as alcohol is just about the most omnipresent thing on every campus, everywhere. “This is a law that is routinely evaded,” said John McCardell, the former president at Middlebury College in Vermont and a man with a talent for stating the obvious. No kidding, ace, college kids under 21 routinely break the law by drinking? What are you going to tell me next, that college students also like to sleep late, procrastinate on assignments and smoke weed? Next week, you can announce that the sky is blue and grass is green, those would be equally stunning revelations. Predictably, Mothers Against Drunk Driving (M.A.D.D.) isn't down with the idea to lower the legal drinking age, saying it would cause more deaths. On the opposing side are presidents from schools such as Duke, Dartmouth, Ohio State, Syracuse and Colgate. So think long and hard about your stance, M.A.D.D. You’re going up against some freaking smart people, even some Ivy Leaguers. Not that lowering the legal drinking age is going to make a difference one way or the other, of course. Kids who want to drink will find a way, law against it or not. If someone who is 18 or 19 wants booze on a college campus, he or she will find it. That will be the case whether it’s legal or not. So this whole debate is largely irrelevant, just don’t tell that to those fighting the battle…..
- Could video games actually be a valuable tool in helping students develop and refine their reasoning and cognitive processing skills? If you believe the cumulative results of several recent studies that were presented at the American Psychological Association’s convention in Boston this week, the answer is yes. According to those studies, students who play video games develop reasoning and planning skills that could help them throughout their lives. One study conducted by researchers at Fordham University asked 122 fifth, sixth and seventh graders to think out loud while playing a video game for 20 minutes. The study showed that many students, especially the younger ones, developed a series of problem-solving skills to help them succeed in the game. Creating these short-term goals could translate into other areas of life, thus making them more well-rounded, intelligent people. So I can safely say that I am correct in assuming that the game these kids played was Grand Theft Auto IV. After all, what better prepares you for life than stealing car, slapping ho’s, robbing people and sexing it up in the back seat of cars with hookers? Who doesn’t develop better reasoning and problem-solving skills during that type of activity? So parents, next time your child wants to keep playing video games instead of doing their homework, think twice before pulling the plug on them…..
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Bigfoot enthusiasts are tools, Harry Potter dorks get bad news and Harrold, Texas is packing heat
- So what did you during your summer hiatus? That question is probably one of the first ones actors ask one another when their TV shows start up production on a new season and typically the answers include a lot of talk about vacations, movie projects, etc. For Craig Phillip Robinson of NBC’s hit comedy “The Office,” the answer will be a smidge different. That’s bound to happen when you’re arrested and hit with felony drug charges over summer break. Robinson, who plays the beloved Darryl Philbin on the show, was arrested by Culver City, Ca. police on June 29 on suspicion of drug possession. Police found both ecstasy (also known as MDMA) and methamphetamines on his person, but after making bail Robinson left jail the same night. He was hit this week with two felony counts of drug possession and one count of being under the influence of illegal drugs. Personally, I think the cops were being a bunch of party poopers, to be honest. So dude had some meth and X with him, so what? He was looking to have a good time, rolling with some speed and X, kickin’ it on the weekend. You’re telling me you don’t like to have a good time? Besides, he has a good explanation for the drugs: the time-tested actor’s explanation for such situations, research for a movie role. See, Robinson was in “Pineapple Express,” one of this summer’s best comedies, and I’m sure he did plenty of hands-on research for the role. He got into the habit of hitting it with some booze, weed, X, whatever, and you just caught him when he was cycling off of that stuff. So I urge the judge at Robinson’s Aug. 21 court appearance to take a step back, look at the situation rationally and realize that this is much ado about nothing….
- With the New York Yankees moving into a new stadium next season, you had to figure the fans would get dicked over and sure enough, that’s exactly what’s happening. Sure, there will be a shiny, sparkling new ballpark to enjoy, but at what price? As it happens, the price is 240 percent. That’s the increase that one Yankees season ticket holder will see his seats increase next year as the team opens its new stadium. This unidentified individual paid $250 per ticket, per game this season for his ducats and for a similar seat next season, he’ll pay a whopping $850 per seat. The picture becomes even bleaker when you consider that back in 2001, the same seat cost only $45 per game. Nothing like a 1,788 percent increase over the course of eight years for the same damn product, eh? Look, I get that you need to pay for the cost of the new stadium and that the hundreds and hundreds of millions you make from the YES network, your very own cable network, can’t cover it all, but these increases are ridonkulous. There is no way a new stadium justifies a 240 percent increase from one year to the next. Why don’t you try putting a playoff team on the field before you jerk with fans like that? Whoops, is that a sore subject this season, Yankee honks? My bad….
- Welcome to Harrold, Texas, where they pack heat even in the classroom. In this tiny, sleepy town in the north central part of the state, the local school district has voted to allow teachers and staff members to carry concealed firearms because they believe it will deter and protect against school shootings. Score another one for gun-rights honks, who would probably marry their guns if they could. Right, because what’s better than injecting multiple firearms into a school setting? Nothing could go wrong there, eh? Don’t cut in the lunch line kids, the lunch lady might bust out her 9mm on you. Thinking of talking back in class? Think again. Seriously, though, this is a bad idea on so many levels. You’re going to guarantee that these guns will never go off accidentally or that no disgruntled student will ever be able to wrestle it away from a teacher? And if a student does enter the school with a gun, you think a shootout with teachers, principals and office workers is a good thing? Best of success with it, Harrold, Texas residents, but don’t be surprised if you end up regretting this decision…..
- Bad news for you, dorks/wizards. The release of the final Harry Potter movie has been delayed from this fall to next summer, Warner Bros. announced over the weekend. Initially, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince had been scheduled for a Nov. 21 release, but the studio has elected to push that date back to July 17, 2009. That was news to Entertainment Weekly, which led off its August 22-29 fall-preview issue with a six-page spread featuring Potter star Daniel Radcliffe. Ironically, the studio and the magazine are owned by the same parent company but as is often the case in big business, that doesn’t mean communication is good. This is a good news/bad news situation for Potter fans, because while they will have to wait eight months longer for the film, it is the last one so it at least prolongs the illusion that their favorite character and franchise still matter and are relevant to anyone who isn't pale, pasty, basement-dwelling, Dungeons-and-Dragons-playing and friend-less. Eight more months in the sun for you, dork/wizards, although given the fact that most of you haven’t actually had direct sunlight on your pasty white skin in a long time, that might not be a good thing….
- So you might be asking, are there even bigger losers out there than the tools who dress up in Harry Potter costumes and camp out for the new HP books and movies when they’re released. It’s a good question and while it’s tough to answer, I have some solid evidence that the answer may in fact be “yes.” Bigfoot enthusiasts would be the knobs I am looking directly at as the answer to the question, mostly because they’re such easy and obvious targets. Matthew Whitton and Rick Dye of northern Georgia, please stand up. These two ass hats claimed to have found a Bigfoot corpse in the woods, but when they submitted DNA samples for testing, the results weren’t in their favor. One sample was human and the other was 96 percent opossum, meaning that it’s more likely this was a promotional stunt by the two men to help trump up interest in the Bigfoot merchandise they sell. A photo they allegedly snapped of the Bigfoot corpse looks to be nothing more than “a hairy heap, bearing a close resemblance to a shaggy, full-body gorilla costume, stuffed into a container resembling a refrigerator,” according to one report. Nice try, fellas. I’m sure exactly no one outside of your legion of Bigfoot dorks ever believed you to begin with, but it’s always good to see knobs like you exposed for what they truly are.
- With the New York Yankees moving into a new stadium next season, you had to figure the fans would get dicked over and sure enough, that’s exactly what’s happening. Sure, there will be a shiny, sparkling new ballpark to enjoy, but at what price? As it happens, the price is 240 percent. That’s the increase that one Yankees season ticket holder will see his seats increase next year as the team opens its new stadium. This unidentified individual paid $250 per ticket, per game this season for his ducats and for a similar seat next season, he’ll pay a whopping $850 per seat. The picture becomes even bleaker when you consider that back in 2001, the same seat cost only $45 per game. Nothing like a 1,788 percent increase over the course of eight years for the same damn product, eh? Look, I get that you need to pay for the cost of the new stadium and that the hundreds and hundreds of millions you make from the YES network, your very own cable network, can’t cover it all, but these increases are ridonkulous. There is no way a new stadium justifies a 240 percent increase from one year to the next. Why don’t you try putting a playoff team on the field before you jerk with fans like that? Whoops, is that a sore subject this season, Yankee honks? My bad….
- Welcome to Harrold, Texas, where they pack heat even in the classroom. In this tiny, sleepy town in the north central part of the state, the local school district has voted to allow teachers and staff members to carry concealed firearms because they believe it will deter and protect against school shootings. Score another one for gun-rights honks, who would probably marry their guns if they could. Right, because what’s better than injecting multiple firearms into a school setting? Nothing could go wrong there, eh? Don’t cut in the lunch line kids, the lunch lady might bust out her 9mm on you. Thinking of talking back in class? Think again. Seriously, though, this is a bad idea on so many levels. You’re going to guarantee that these guns will never go off accidentally or that no disgruntled student will ever be able to wrestle it away from a teacher? And if a student does enter the school with a gun, you think a shootout with teachers, principals and office workers is a good thing? Best of success with it, Harrold, Texas residents, but don’t be surprised if you end up regretting this decision…..
- Bad news for you, dorks/wizards. The release of the final Harry Potter movie has been delayed from this fall to next summer, Warner Bros. announced over the weekend. Initially, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince had been scheduled for a Nov. 21 release, but the studio has elected to push that date back to July 17, 2009. That was news to Entertainment Weekly, which led off its August 22-29 fall-preview issue with a six-page spread featuring Potter star Daniel Radcliffe. Ironically, the studio and the magazine are owned by the same parent company but as is often the case in big business, that doesn’t mean communication is good. This is a good news/bad news situation for Potter fans, because while they will have to wait eight months longer for the film, it is the last one so it at least prolongs the illusion that their favorite character and franchise still matter and are relevant to anyone who isn't pale, pasty, basement-dwelling, Dungeons-and-Dragons-playing and friend-less. Eight more months in the sun for you, dork/wizards, although given the fact that most of you haven’t actually had direct sunlight on your pasty white skin in a long time, that might not be a good thing….
- So you might be asking, are there even bigger losers out there than the tools who dress up in Harry Potter costumes and camp out for the new HP books and movies when they’re released. It’s a good question and while it’s tough to answer, I have some solid evidence that the answer may in fact be “yes.” Bigfoot enthusiasts would be the knobs I am looking directly at as the answer to the question, mostly because they’re such easy and obvious targets. Matthew Whitton and Rick Dye of northern Georgia, please stand up. These two ass hats claimed to have found a Bigfoot corpse in the woods, but when they submitted DNA samples for testing, the results weren’t in their favor. One sample was human and the other was 96 percent opossum, meaning that it’s more likely this was a promotional stunt by the two men to help trump up interest in the Bigfoot merchandise they sell. A photo they allegedly snapped of the Bigfoot corpse looks to be nothing more than “a hairy heap, bearing a close resemblance to a shaggy, full-body gorilla costume, stuffed into a container resembling a refrigerator,” according to one report. Nice try, fellas. I’m sure exactly no one outside of your legion of Bigfoot dorks ever believed you to begin with, but it’s always good to see knobs like you exposed for what they truly are.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Rick Rubin is a busy man, the Dark Knight no longer top dog and the Yankees will have free time come October
- Stay out, Mexicans. And if you don’t get the point, allow us to drive it home with another ginormous section of fence along the border you share with the United States. Construction began Friday to pave the way for a new chunk of fence along the U.S.-Mexico border, stretching from an Oceanside state park in San Diego to a canyon long known as Smuggler’s Gulch. The fence will span more than three miles and will be by far the costliest portion of fence anywhere along the border at more than $16 million per mile. Much of that cost will come from the 1.9 million tons of dirt being hauled in to Smuggler’s Gulch to fill in the canyon and provide a foundation for the new fence. Also adding to the cost will be a massive concrete culvert being installed to catch rain water running downhill from Tijuana on the Mexican side of the border. It’s a project 12 years in the making and yet another sign of the W. administration’s dislike of border crashers, a dislike that has reached unhealthy and vindictive levels of late. Honestly, you’re telling me that you couldn’t find a better way to spend $57 million? Heck, that would finance another half day of your abortion of a war in Iraq, W. Perhaps the legal and environmental issues you faced in trying to make this fence happen over the past eight years should have been an indication that this project is a bad idea. But hey, why suddenly become smart with your spending when you’ve done the exact opposite for the past seven and a half years, eh ass hat? How many more days until inauguration day, when we can finally put the tenure of the worst president in world history behind us?
- A double dip of riot/protest goodness for you today, first in Johannesburg, South Africa and then in Peru. In Johannesburg, a meeting of African leaders for a summit held by the Southern African Development Community spurred hundreds of angry protestors to take it to the streets and speak out against the inclusion of Zimbabwean dictator/oppressor/President Bob Mugabe. The weekend summit is focused on economic and development issues in the involved nations, but for the protestors and at least one invited national leader, the biggest issue is the tyrannical reign of Mugabe. The protestors not only met and demonstrated, they also marched to the summit venue to demand that the leaders not recognize Mugabe. Sharing their views is Botswanan President Ian Khama, who declined to attend because he rightly believes that Mugabe’s presidency is illegitimate, won and kept by cheating, killing, oppression and brute force rather than by the will of his people. That’s one protest I can get behind…..well, to be fair I get behind every protest, but I especially like this one. I also enjoyed the protests in Peru, were thousands of people took to the streets to let their government know that the slow pace of national rebuilding following the 8.0 magnitude earthquake that rocked Peru on August 15, 2007 is not acceptable. The memory of 500 of their fellow Peruvians dying and 40,000 homes being destroyed haven’t faded, mostly because a lot of those homes and destroyed buildings remain in ruins on the country’s southern coast. Many people are still living in tents or makeshift wooden huts, making Friday’s anniversary of the quake a day to rally against the slow, uninspired response of the government to the crisis. Props to South Africans and Peruvians both for great acts of social dissidence and of speaking out against the injustices of those in power…….
- Could it be? The dream of every baseball fan outside the Bronx looks like it will finally come true this season: a Yankee-free postseason. For a team that’s spending in excess of $200 million on players salaries this season, the New York Yankees sure aren't getting their money’s worth. They currently sit at 66-58, third in the American League East behind both Tampa Bay (yes, the Tampa Bay Rays) and the Boston Red Sox. As we ring in this day, the Yankees are 9.5 games behind the first-place Rays and five games behind the wild card-leading Red Sox. Their ace of the future, fireballer Joba Chamberlain, is still out with a shoulder injury that has forced him to miss his last several starts. Outfielder Hideki Matsui and catcher Jorge Posada are out for the season, with outfielder Johnny Damon battling back from an arm injury as well. Under-performing centerfielder Melky Cabrera was optioned to Triple-A last week, another indication that the team is desperate and trying anything to create a spark. Fact is, they are far too banged up and old to make their customary late-season surge to snatch a playoff spot at the end of the year. They are indeed the third best team in their own division, a fate that is very un-Yankee-like, thus making it all the more amusing to a nation of baseball fans who are predominately anti-Yankees. Start making your tee times for the first week of October, Yankee players, you’ll need something to fill the time…..
- It took more than a month, but The Dark Knight has finally been dislodged at the top of the box office earnings race. It hasn’t been dethroned by a better movie, just a newer one, namely the Ben Stiller comedy Tropic Thunder. Thunder brought in a modest $26 million in its opening weekend to take the top spot, beating out Dark Knight at $16.8 million. That total was enough to push the newest Batman epic past the original Star Wars movie and into second place on the all-time earnings list with $471.5 million. Unfortunately, that leaves the film well behind the biggest waste of four hours of cinema, Titanic, which grossed $600 million. Warner Bros., the studio for Dark Knight, expects the film to top out at about $530 million, although it will still trail both Star Wars and Titanic in total number of tickets sold because of inflation. Ironically, the third-place film for the weekend was another Star Wars flick, albeit an animated version. Star Wars: The Clone Wars earned just $15.5 million for its opening weekend, meaning that there may not be as many dorks out there as I thought….or their moms just haven’t given them their allowance yet or wasn’t able to haul them and their friends in her minivan to the theater this weekend. Either way, not a stellar opening weekend for George Lucas’ latest effort…….
- Is there anyone that Rick Rubin isn't going to produce an album for? Next on the list for the most popular producer in music right now is legendary, hirsute rockers ZZ Top. The project hasn’t even formally begun yet and already Rubin has offered up a great idea; having ZZ collaborate with garage rockers and Akron, Ohio natives the Black Keys. The Keys released one of this year’s best albums, Attack & Release, and their gritty, blues-infused rock sound will be a nice addition to this new album in any capacity. “This is a new venture between the two of us,” ZZ Top guitarist Billy Gibbons said of the partnership with Rubin. As for teaming up with the Black Keys, Gibbons sounds excited. “I’m a big fan of those guys…..it makes total sense,” he explained. Gibbons first saw the Keys perform at New York’s Irving Plaza back in 2005, before they became such a recognized fixture on the music scene. According to Gibbons ZZ Top have been waiting 20 years to work with Rubin (which I believe because this guy must have an f’ing line around the block of artists wanting him to produce their album), so it’s a dream come true. Stay tuned for the end result of the partnership, which should be an album released late in 2009……
- A double dip of riot/protest goodness for you today, first in Johannesburg, South Africa and then in Peru. In Johannesburg, a meeting of African leaders for a summit held by the Southern African Development Community spurred hundreds of angry protestors to take it to the streets and speak out against the inclusion of Zimbabwean dictator/oppressor/President Bob Mugabe. The weekend summit is focused on economic and development issues in the involved nations, but for the protestors and at least one invited national leader, the biggest issue is the tyrannical reign of Mugabe. The protestors not only met and demonstrated, they also marched to the summit venue to demand that the leaders not recognize Mugabe. Sharing their views is Botswanan President Ian Khama, who declined to attend because he rightly believes that Mugabe’s presidency is illegitimate, won and kept by cheating, killing, oppression and brute force rather than by the will of his people. That’s one protest I can get behind…..well, to be fair I get behind every protest, but I especially like this one. I also enjoyed the protests in Peru, were thousands of people took to the streets to let their government know that the slow pace of national rebuilding following the 8.0 magnitude earthquake that rocked Peru on August 15, 2007 is not acceptable. The memory of 500 of their fellow Peruvians dying and 40,000 homes being destroyed haven’t faded, mostly because a lot of those homes and destroyed buildings remain in ruins on the country’s southern coast. Many people are still living in tents or makeshift wooden huts, making Friday’s anniversary of the quake a day to rally against the slow, uninspired response of the government to the crisis. Props to South Africans and Peruvians both for great acts of social dissidence and of speaking out against the injustices of those in power…….
- Could it be? The dream of every baseball fan outside the Bronx looks like it will finally come true this season: a Yankee-free postseason. For a team that’s spending in excess of $200 million on players salaries this season, the New York Yankees sure aren't getting their money’s worth. They currently sit at 66-58, third in the American League East behind both Tampa Bay (yes, the Tampa Bay Rays) and the Boston Red Sox. As we ring in this day, the Yankees are 9.5 games behind the first-place Rays and five games behind the wild card-leading Red Sox. Their ace of the future, fireballer Joba Chamberlain, is still out with a shoulder injury that has forced him to miss his last several starts. Outfielder Hideki Matsui and catcher Jorge Posada are out for the season, with outfielder Johnny Damon battling back from an arm injury as well. Under-performing centerfielder Melky Cabrera was optioned to Triple-A last week, another indication that the team is desperate and trying anything to create a spark. Fact is, they are far too banged up and old to make their customary late-season surge to snatch a playoff spot at the end of the year. They are indeed the third best team in their own division, a fate that is very un-Yankee-like, thus making it all the more amusing to a nation of baseball fans who are predominately anti-Yankees. Start making your tee times for the first week of October, Yankee players, you’ll need something to fill the time…..
- It took more than a month, but The Dark Knight has finally been dislodged at the top of the box office earnings race. It hasn’t been dethroned by a better movie, just a newer one, namely the Ben Stiller comedy Tropic Thunder. Thunder brought in a modest $26 million in its opening weekend to take the top spot, beating out Dark Knight at $16.8 million. That total was enough to push the newest Batman epic past the original Star Wars movie and into second place on the all-time earnings list with $471.5 million. Unfortunately, that leaves the film well behind the biggest waste of four hours of cinema, Titanic, which grossed $600 million. Warner Bros., the studio for Dark Knight, expects the film to top out at about $530 million, although it will still trail both Star Wars and Titanic in total number of tickets sold because of inflation. Ironically, the third-place film for the weekend was another Star Wars flick, albeit an animated version. Star Wars: The Clone Wars earned just $15.5 million for its opening weekend, meaning that there may not be as many dorks out there as I thought….or their moms just haven’t given them their allowance yet or wasn’t able to haul them and their friends in her minivan to the theater this weekend. Either way, not a stellar opening weekend for George Lucas’ latest effort…….
- Is there anyone that Rick Rubin isn't going to produce an album for? Next on the list for the most popular producer in music right now is legendary, hirsute rockers ZZ Top. The project hasn’t even formally begun yet and already Rubin has offered up a great idea; having ZZ collaborate with garage rockers and Akron, Ohio natives the Black Keys. The Keys released one of this year’s best albums, Attack & Release, and their gritty, blues-infused rock sound will be a nice addition to this new album in any capacity. “This is a new venture between the two of us,” ZZ Top guitarist Billy Gibbons said of the partnership with Rubin. As for teaming up with the Black Keys, Gibbons sounds excited. “I’m a big fan of those guys…..it makes total sense,” he explained. Gibbons first saw the Keys perform at New York’s Irving Plaza back in 2005, before they became such a recognized fixture on the music scene. According to Gibbons ZZ Top have been waiting 20 years to work with Rubin (which I believe because this guy must have an f’ing line around the block of artists wanting him to produce their album), so it’s a dream come true. Stay tuned for the end result of the partnership, which should be an album released late in 2009……
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