Something else wrong with American Karaoke, a subpar riot and the Rock and Roll HOF in trouble

- Having something, anything in common with the plague that is American Karaoke is never a good thing, so I apologize in advance to Major League Baseball for what I’m about to do. Unfortunately, the non-stop, uber-annoying promos from Fox about its glorified karaoke contest with hack singers from around the country have provoked me to the point that I have to speak out. As horrific as AK is, what makes it so much worse is that Fox strings it out over three nights each week, thus maximizing the trauma to everyone in its path. I don’t watch the show under any circumstances, so I can’t really say what happens each night the show is on, except that one night a week they announce how many suckers, er, fans they’ve roped into paying to vote for the various karaoke-ers. Now I know you’re asking, “What does this have to do with MLB?” Allow me to explain. See, after its season ends each fall and the World Series wraps up, MLB then tries to be clever and keep itself in the sports spotlight for the maximum amount of time by announcing its various awards one per day for about two weeks straight. One day, it’s NL Rookie of the Year, AL Rookie of the Year the next day, AL Cy Young the day after that, so on. Are any of these awards compelling and important enough to justify their own day to be announced? Of course not. But MLB is looking to drag things out and keep the focus on them via any means possible, even if they end up looking like asses in the process. Well, everyone involved with AK already looks like a ginormous ass hat anyhow, so I doubt they have much guilt about foisting their crap-fest on America for three nights a week, three more than anyone should be subjected to. So keep fighting the good fight, fans of actual good music, and some day we’ll rid our world of the plight known as American Karaoke…..

 

- I don’t like doing this, but Palestinians have left me no choice. People, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it dozens of times: If you are going to stage a protest or riot, do it up right. If you vow to have a large-scale demonstration, you had damn well better have a large-scale demonstration. The Palestinians must have skipped that day in my Rioting 101 seminar, because they were supposed to hold a massive demonstration this week against the Israeli blockade of the Gaza Strip. Instead, only about 5,000 protestors showed up, much smaller of a crowd than was forecasted. The 5,000 who did show up didn’t do much, with their “major” action being to form a human chain. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a full-scale riot (looting, burning, property destruction, clashes with police), human chains fall in the range of a 2. You people clearly do not understand how to riot/protest, so you’re going to need to retake Rioting 101 if you want to keep your certification as official social dissidents.

 

- Is it too late to burn the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to the ground? I’ll volunteer to do it if no one else is willing, if for no other reason to prevent the single largest abortion of an induction ceremony any hall of fame has ever seen. For as long as Madonna’s induction to the R.R.H.O.F. has been public, I’ve vocally opposed it on the grounds that 1) She’s as un-rock and roll as it gets, 2) She’s a dirty slut, 3) Her music, whatever crappy genre you put it in, blows. However, the Material Skank’s induction took on a whole new level of absurdity this week with the news that the weasel-on-helium-voiced, former man bander known as Justin Timberlake will be inducting her. Yes, a dude who once frosted his lettuce, bleached his teeth and danced in unison with four other dudes while wearing matching outfits and lip-syncing badly will be inducting someone into the ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME. It would be like Miss Teen South Carolina Kaitlin Upton inducting W. into Mensa, or Richard Simmons inducting Rosie O’Donnell into the Baseball Hall of Fame - it makes no sense on any level. This whole atrocity will take place March 10 at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in Manhattan. Maybe if we pool our money together we can buy the hotel and tear it down before then……

 

- Never let it be said that the European Union’s top judicial arm is not focused on the truly important issues in the world, namely cheese. Before the EU Court a couple of days ago was the issue of what cheese(s) could legally lay claim to the name Parmesan. The court decided that only the dry, crumbly cheese made in and around the city of Parma for more than 800 years can officially be billed as Parmesan cheese. the specific case before the court began in 2003 and centered on Germany allowing the sale of cheeses that were allegedly Parmesan but were produced in Germany. The Germans argued that Parmesan was a generic name for a type of cheese, but the court disagreed, for whatever that’s worth. Look, I get the fact that you people don’t have the same problems as America, with the value of your currency in the crapper and your leader starting and sustaining unjustified wars that make the rest of the world hate you, but is this really the most legitimate use of your time? Can’t you focus on issues like the death penalty, traffic laws or even whether you have the legal right to force French people to bathe regularly? Cheese justice just doesn’t seem to cut it…..

 

- That Gordon Brown, what a square. The Prime Minister of England struck a three-fold blow to debauchery and wild living Wednesday when he scrapped plans for Britain’s first Las Vegas-style casino, proposed a rollback of laws allowing round-the-clock drinking and suggested enacting tougher drug laws. Brown’s predecessor Tony Blair had approved plans for the casino in a downtrodden area of Manchester as a way to boost the economy there, but Gordon Brown is clearly no fan of fun. Not only does he not want gambling, he wants to keep his people from their favorite pastime, drinking, and he wants to crack down on drug usage? My man Gordon, relax. Dude, you’re taking this whole “political leader” thing too seriously. If people want to gamble away their life savings, get hammered 24/7 and smoke the hippie lettuce, just let them. To paraphrase Bob Knight, if debauchery is inevitable, why not just sit back and enjoy it? What’s next, are you going to forbid Brits from rioting at soccer games if their team loses? Gordon Brown, you are no friend of the common Brit, that’s for sure.

Lost review, danger as ESPN and nuttiness in Alaska

- If you are in the immediate vicinity of the ESPN compound in Bristol, Conn., I advise you to significantly upgrade your health insurance and take extra measures to protect yourself beginning March 12. That’s the date when the most explosive, short-tempered, hothead of a coach that college basketball has ever seen will join the Worldwide Leader for its coverage of college basketball’s postseason. Bob Knight, the chair-throwing, vase-at-athletic-department-secretary’s-head-tossing, player-choking, player-bullwhipping, verbally-assaulting a-hole who recently stepped down as the head coach at Texas Tech, has signed on to be part of ESPN’s postseason coverage. I don’t dispute that Knight knows a lot about college hoops; I’m merely advising anyone who’s going to be in his vicinity to take adequate measures to protect themselves if and when Mount Knight erupts.

- Overall, this season of Lost has been the worst of the show’s four seasons, at least to this point, and I thought tonight’s episode was more of the same. The writers and producers don’t seem to be able to sufficiently juggle all the pieces of the puzzle, consistently leaving important, interesting characters out of entire episodes. This week, there was no Locke, no Sawyer, no Kate, no Hurley, no Claire, no Sun, no Jin, no Hurley and a few scant scenes with Jack and Juliet, along with Daniel and Charlotte from the freighter team. Almost the entire freaking episode was about Desmond and partially Sayid, both aboard the helicopter they boarded two episodes ago along with the craft’s pilot, Frank. The trio flew back to the freighter using directions Daniel gave them, but along the way Desmond’s brain somehow got fried and he began vacillating back and forth between 1996 and 2004, which is when the show takes place. As he lost consciousness in one year, he was then living in the other one. His 1996 memories began with him at Camp Mitchell, a Scottish military base where he was a soldier. As he began experiencing his 2004 dreams, he began to look for answers there. Back in 2004, he was helped by Daniel, who told him that 1996 Desmond needed to find 1996 Daniel to help him with his problem of slipping back and forth between the two years. Apparently traveling to and from the island where Oceanic 815 crashed has that affect on people and 1996 Daniel, after being relayed a message by 1996 Desmond that 2004 Daniel gave to 2004 Desmond, helped Desmond figure out how to regain his bearings in the present, 2004. Using research he was doing in 1996, Daniel tells Desmond back in 1996 that he needs to find a constant, something or someone that he could recall from 1996 that he would also be able to make contact with in 2004. Des chose his girlfriend Penny Widmore, with the only problem being that back in 1996 he had broken up with her and joined the army. She was understandably reluctant to talk to him, but after getting her new address from her father, Des visits 1996 Penny and relays his cryptic message about needing her phone number to use in 2004. She gives it to him and back in 2004, Des snaps back to consciousness and using the freighter’s radio equipment, which Sayid has managed to rig up despite it being sabotaged two days prior, Des calls 2004 Penny and completes the circle, so to speak. Making contact with his constant allows him to stop bouncing back and forth between 1996 and 2004 and to escape the fate of two members of the freighter’s crew, who both died from brain aneurysms after going into the same flashback/unconsciousness mode Des was in. A tearful conversation with Penny ensues, with both of them vowing to find one another again. How Penny got in touch with the freighter in the first place is still unknown, but the ship’s communication officer, one of the two who died from the mysterious condition, told Des before his death that Penny had been consistently calling the boat but the captain, who we haven’t met yet, order the crew not to answer the calls. So for now, Des is ok and he and Sayid are aboard the freighter with Frank and the crew, which includes guys named Kingsley and Omar, along with the unidentified captain. Back on the island, Daniel explains the condition Desmond is experiencing to Jack and Juliet, despite objections from Charlotte not to tell them. At episode’s end, Daniel looks at a page from his own journal that reads, “If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume is my constant.” In other words, in the same way talking to Penny helped Des, talking to Des is what Daniel needs in case he too is disoriented. Again, this was not a great episode because 1) it was confusing and disjointed, and 2) too damn many characters were left out entirely. The previews for next week promise that it’ll be more of a normal episode with everyone involved, mostly in terms of having tension and extreme hostility between the members of the freighter crew on the island and the survivors of Oceanic 815. So here’s hoping that next week is better…..

- I lead and America follows…or something like that. I ripped Sunday’s Oscars for the same reason I rip every other awards show - it’s a pompous, long-winded, self-congratulatory schmooze fest where the principle recognizees are the status quo, the ones everyone already knows, rather than new faces who actually deserve the awards. Clearly I’m not the only one who feels that way, because ratings for this year’s broadcast were 14 percent lower than the previous least-watched Oscar telecast in history, which came back in 2003. The numbers look ever worse when you contrast them with last year, when ratings were 21 percent higher. Think maybe there’s some lingering resentment from the writers’ strike and maybe America is getting a little tired of having one awards show or another on every damn week? Actually, the one positive from the strike was that awards shows were canceled because footage from shows and movies couldn’t be used during it, so that’s something I actually do miss from the strike. Just don’t ask me about who won or lost at the Oscars and what I thought of the show, because like most of America, I didn’t watch a single second of the broadcast.

- The running of the bulls in Pamplona it ain’t, but Sunday’s inaugural running of the reindeer was still a nutty, fun idea and I for one hope it continues next year. Hundreds of people lined the streets of downtown Anchorage for the quirky, only-in-Alaska event. It featured seven small reindeer and 1,000 costumed participants, with the reindeer lining up behind the first wave of runners. The confused creatures had people in front of them dressed as carrots or with bull’s-eyes taped to their backs. Once the race started, the reindeer didn’t exactly play the part of the bulls very well, blowing right by the runners without goring anyone or tossing them up in the air. Instead, the reindeer sprinted out into the lead by the halfway point and didn’t look back. “Normally we just eat them,’ said spectator Mark Berg of the reindeer. “We got smoked by the reindeer,” explained participant Amanda Pelkola, who got talked into dressing up like a carrot and running in the race by a friend. Let’s face it: in Alaska, where winter is a year-round thing and temperatures are on the wrong side of really freaking cold way too often, any diversion for the poor souls living there is a good thing. It’s exactly the kind of goofy stunt that serious, busy, “responsible” types frown on and the kind of nutty activity the truly unique among us enjoy. So here’s hoping you all make this an annual tradition, Anchorage residents.

- This might be viewed as discriminatory, but the state of Florida really needs to start instituting an IQ test for prospective tourists. If you’re not bright enough to avoid doing what one particular Austrian tourist did a few days ago, you should not be allowed to visit Florida and give the state’s tourism industry a black eye on account of you being a ginormous moron. Marcus Groh, 49, has established himself as an early favorite for this year’s Darwin Awards, a tongue-in-cheek award given out by a group that recognizes those who do a service to humanity be removing themselves from the gene pool. Groh was on a commercial diving trip that left from West Palm Beach and was anchored near the Bahamas, about 50 miles off the coast of Fort Lauderdale, when he dove into waters that had been baited with bloody fish so divers could get “face to face” with sharks. Hmm, wonder what could go wrong….oh yeah, maybe someone could get eaten by a shark. That’s exactly what happened to Groh, who died after being bitten by an angry shark. I hate to be calloused, but my man Marcus, you pretty much deserved this one. You want to get up close and personal with a shark, make sure it’s inside one of those reinforced steel cages they drop into the water, like in Jaws. You jump into water purposely laced with bloody fish when you know the waters are shark-infested, you’re asking to die. Were my IQ test idea put in place, M. Groh clearly would have failed and either not been allowed into Florida or at most allowed to ride the Living Seas ride at Disney World where the only bites come from those overpriced souvenirs and refreshment taking a chunk out of your wallet.

Ralph Nader wastes everyone's time, A. Winehouse causing trouble and Steve Zell = soul-less bastard

- Sam Zell, you ignorant slut. Showing that he has absolutely no heart or soul, just a cash-hungry core with no sense of honor or baseball history, Zell, the chief executive officer of the Tribune Company, said today he won't hesitate to sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field and rip the most historical, famous baseball stadium in the world, one built in 1914 of its legendary moniker. During an interview on CNBC, Zell said despite Wrigley Field being known worldwide, he wont hesitate to be the ultimate corporate sellout and spineless piece of crap because when he bought the Tribune Company, he didn't get a discount because he wasn't going to use the naming rights that the field represents. Zell said he plans to sell the Cubs, which the Tribune Company owns, and Wrigley separately and in his own time frame. He also disclosed that Major League Baseball has approved “four or six potential” ownership groups and that any one of them would be fine. Of course that would be, because a greedy, financially motivated bastard like yourself doesn’t care who gives him the piles of money he doesn’t really need as long as someone pays. Who cares that Wrigley is a historic park where Babe Ruth once called his shot to dead center field, a cornerstone on Chicago's north side and a place known around the world? If you can use the naming rights to line your already bulging pockets, then that's what you'll do, right Zell? The only hope for baseball fans and people who unlike Zell have a soul is for someone with enough class and respect for what Wrigley represents to buy the team and/or stadium naming rights and keep it as Wrigley field. May I suggest Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, a billionaire and a heck of an owner who has openly advocated his bid to buy the Cubs when they become available. Sell to Cubes, Zell, lest I be forced to ignore the alleged new name put on WRIGLEY FIELD by some other soulless bastard who buys the naming rights and then come and use one of Derrek Lee’s bats to bludgeon you half to death in order to exact some revenge……

- Didn’t get the letter or was too drunk/stoned to read it, that's the question. Amy Winehouse’s lawyer has asked a Norwegian district court to postpone a hearing for the British singer/songwriter/junkie/transvestite look-a-like, who is accused of drug possession. Winehouse and her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, were arrested in the western city of Bergen in October. They were held overnight on charges of possessing 1/4 ounce of marijuana and released the next morning after paying fines of $715 each. Despite being found with the drugs on her, Wine-lush later appealed the fine, claiming Norwegian police made mistakes in the case. Ah, the old “hope the cops made a procedural mistakes so I can get off even though I’m totally guilty” defense, I love that one. A court hearing is scheduled for Friday, but Wine-junkie’s lawyer, Ole Kvelstad, said Winehouse hasn't received the letter detailing the date. Perhaps his client mistook the paper for some of her rolling paper and used it to roll an extra joint or two to smoke. Bergen Police Attorney Rudolf Christoffersen maintains that Winehouse knows the date of the hearing, even if the letter hasn't arrived. Sorry Amy, but looks like your considerable musical talents, by which I mean you suck and mumble indecipherably like Bob Dylan after serious head trauma and on every drug known to man, aren’t enough to get you out of this mess.

- Hey gang, we may not be able to get a full season of episodes from Heroes, but y'know what we can get? Ripped off for $15 by NBC as they proffer a Heroes soundtrack album. I mean, who needs new episodes of the show and the furtherance of storylines when you can get a copy of that great Heroes theme song, especially since it's basically a creepy-sounding instrumental track. The NBC Universal Television, DVD, Music & Consumer Products Group (great name guys, rolls right off the tongue) will release a Heroes soundtrack on March 18 featuring exclusive tracks from the likes of Wilco ("Glad It's Over"), Panic! at the Disco ("Nine in the Afternoon") and Imogen Heap ("Not Now But Soon"), as well as songs from Bob Dylan ("Man in the Long Black Coat") and David Bowie ("Heroes"). The disc will also will include the Heroes theme, and the B-side (so we can sing along to the non-existent lyrics?) and features 45 minutes of nonstop Mohinder narrative. Umm, that’s cool for show openings and closings, but 45 minutes? Of what, talk about the show. And you want me to pay for this? I don’t think so. I love the show, but I’m not wasting my money on this. Also, beginning Friday NBCUTDMCPG will begin unspooling at Zune and MSN a series of five music videos created by Heroes producer/director Allan Arkush, each setting show footage to songs from the album. First up will Nada Surf's “Weightless,” with four more to follow. Again, there are some good bands in there, Wilco and Nada Surf especially, but I’ll pass on this one….

- Welcome to the presidential race, Ralph Nader. I know Nader just announced his candidacy, but I thought I should welcome him while he’s still relevant to the race. Unfortunately, that time passed about two minutes before he decided to run in the first place, so I guess I should still congratulate him on his effort to be a part of the democratic process. This is R. Nader’s third run at the presidency, each of them totally unsuccessful in terms of giving him any actual chance of being elected. Other than stealing a few votes from the major party candidates, Nader doesn’t have much impact. He has neither the voter support nor the financal resources to be a serious candidate. If he had a specific issue that wasn’t being addressed and was looking to highlight that issue through his candidacy, that might make some sense, but that isn’t the case either. Nader’s M.O. seems to be b*tching about the Republicans and Democrats and how they’re f’ing up the country, which is exactly what the Republicans and Democrats are already saying about one another. So it was nice having you in the race, Ralph, make sure you pick up your complimentary “I Ran for President Today” button on your way out the door.

- There are happy stories out there if you look for them and you all know me, always looking for the positive tales, so here we have it. After a Feb. 5 tornado that decimated northwest Arkansas, the Harris family was left with a destroyed home and the realization that their 9-year-old basset hound/blue heeler mix named Pongo was gone. Their home was uninhabitable and in need of repairs, but the family returned to the house while repairs were going on and put out food for their beloved pooch. They also scoured local animal shelters and put up posters. Late last week, their prayers were answered when Pongo returned to the home. In spite of a rash of tornadoes that killed more than 50 people in the area, this dog was able to find his way back. So great news for Pongo and the Harris family, that in the aftermath of a travesty they were able to have something positive happen. That’s all for now…..

An apology to FOX, a bad, bad music review and One Tree Hill news

- I need to apologize to the Fox network. I’ve made a habit of ripping the network for having some of the worst reality shows and shows in general in television history these past few years and of making an absolute debacle of music and reality TV ever since the invention of American Karaoke. In light of a recent ruling handed down by the Federal Communications Commission. The FCC has decreed that 13 Fox affiliates around the country must pay $7,000 each for airing a 2003 episode of the reality series Married by America that contained graphic scenes from bachelor and bachelorette parties. You probably don’t remember this show because it bombed out so badly and was canceled so quickly that most people didn’t even know it was around. In light of this decision, I have to recant my previous comments about Fox, because saying they’ve been ruining TV and music ever since springing he plague that is American Karaoke on us, because clearly I was wrong. They were ruining TV long before that point and providing stunningly crap-tacular reality shows before AK ever existed. So I apologize to Fox for underrating its ability to drag TV into the toilet. Never again will I make that mistake. Fox is the king of crappy TV and has been for a long, long time now, longer than anyone (including myself) realizes.....

-  This is why you need to see and hear things for yourself rather than rely solely on the opinions of critics and reviewers. See, sometimes reviewers are simply biased, sometimes they don’t have a clue what they’re talking about....and sometimes they lie and/or totally fabricate their reviews. Sounds like trashy tabloid journalism, right? But no, it’s Maxim, a publication that’s basically Playboy plus a few square centimeters of clothing. Maybe that’s what the mag should stick to unless and until it can find music critics who actually bother to listen to the albums they are allegedly reviewing. The critic who reviewed the new Black Crowes album Warpaint for the magazine wasn’t too impressed with the disc, giving it two and a half stars. Problem is, there were no advance copies of the album available and the mag’s review came out before the album was released. In his review, this tool called the album an underwhelming project that “hasn’t left Chris Robinson and that gang much room for growth.” I’d be fine with that opinion, even though it’s wrong, just as long as the reviewer had heard the album he was critiquing. Maxim isn’t helping its cause by refusing to confirm “whether the writer actually listened to the album.” Additionally, the publication sent the Black Crowes and email that the group posted on its website saying in part that “there are big albums that we don’t want to ignore that aren’t available to hear, which is what happened to the Crowes. It’s either an educated guess preview or no coverage at all.” That’s so incredibly asinine I don’t know where to begin. Only one single from the album, Daughters of the Revolution, had been released in time for the review. Basically you’re saying that you’re psychic and are guessing what an album will sound like? Are oyu freaking kidding me? Jason Blair and his fabricated stories for the New York Times think you’re a joke. Unless you have spies inside the studio or hear an advanced copy of an album, there is NO way to know what it will sound like. How do you know if the band went with a new sound for this album or not? If you don’t have the album in hand in time to listen to it, you freaking cannot just guess. Sorry Maxim, but hot, barely-clothed chicks in your magazine or not, you’re officially a garbage publication.

- Brace yourself, because I’m about to give you shocking news. A bidder on eBay who put in a bid in excess of $3 million for an item wasn’t legit. I’ll give you a moment to recover from the shock.....ok, that’s enough time. The bid of $3,001,250 came in on a collection of vinyl records being sold by Paul Mawhinney, but shortly after the auction closed, an eBay executive notified Mawhinney that the bid was not legitimate and that the bidder’s account has been suspended. What? Just because dude (or dudette) put in a fake $3 million bid, you suspend the account? And what do you mean, that someone one eBay doesn’t have the $3 million they claim to have? Isn’t eBay where all fo the rich people do their shopping for used sporting equipment, records and knick-knacks? Sotheby’s is second class compared to eBay, from what I hear. That’s what you get for trying to cheap out and get around paying for a proper auction, Mawhinney. Let this be a lesson to everyone out there: if you have something that exceeds, let’s say $100,000 in value, don’t try to sell it on eBay. Take it to an auction house and do it up right, lest you get a fake $3 million bid from some wanker that’s just wasting your time....

- Am I the only one enjoying watching the slow, protracted demise of Roid-ger Clemens? Clemens, a.k.a. The Pocket Rocket, is watching one witness after another come forward to contradict the testimony he gave at a recent congressional subcommittee hearing. Just last week, a young man who attended the now-famous 1998 pool party at Jose Canseco’s house where Clemens and Canseco allegedly first discussed using steroids came forward with pictures of Clemens at the event, the very event Clemens explicitly denied attending. Now, an anonymous former Major Leaguer has told the New York Daily News that when he played with Clemens, Pocket Rocket regularly joked about a conversation from the party where Canseco’s wife and Clemens’ own HGH-using wife Debbie compared the results of their boob jobs. If true, this is another claim pointing to 1) Clemens and his wife being low-class losers, and 2) Clemens being a huge freaking liar. It’s becoming increasingly clear that he was at this party, which means he’s arrogant enough and has a big enough pair to go before a congressional committee and lie to their faces under threat of perjury and jail time. As I said initially, it’s becoming more and more fun watching this unfold because Roid-ger has tied the noose, built the gallows and pretty soon he’s going to hang himself with the rope made of all the lies he’s told. Adios, Pocket Rocket, you deserve everything you get for this and then some.

- It never gets old, a show blatantly ripping off the theme of the classic John Hughes flick The Breakfast Club. Shows (especially teen dramas) have done it for years, with Dawson’s Creek being one that springs to mind, mostly because it actually named the episode after the movie. But tonight, One Tree Hill went Breakfast Club with a few tweaks, most notably that none of the characters locked in the school library were actually students in the school and two of them never went to Tree Hill High School at all. Plus all five individuals locked in the library were girls, so that was different as well. But tonight all of the action centered on Tree Hill HS, with Lucas, Nathan, Skillz and Mouth all in the gym for the big first game of the basketball season and the girls - Peyton, Brooke, Mia, Lindsey and Hayley - locked in the library because they were out on nostalgia trips and errands in the school and wandered into the library only to realize too late that the door handles on the inside were removed for the weekend for repairs. Predictably, five combustible elements being thrown together produced sparks, tears and hugs. Since astonishingly none of the five could get a signal on their cell phones - well, Brooke did, but then her battery died - the wonders of modern technology weren’t an option. Apparently the Tree Hill HS library exists in some weird kind of vortex/black hole where cell phone signals are blocked out. In the meantime, the girls engage in various games and arguments, included repeated Peyton-Lindsey clashes over the fact that they just don’t like each other. When Mia suggests they all say something positive about each person in the room, things go better for a moment until Peyton can’t think of anything positive to say about Lindsey other than she has good taste in men, an obvious dig at Lindsey because she’s engaged to the guy Peyton loves, Lucas. The group finally figures out a way out of the library when Mia gets online using one of the library’s computers, but for some reason, instead of emailing someone who could help get them out (duh) they decide to.....order a pizza and have it delivered so the delivery guy can let them out. Unfortunately, the delivery guy turns out to be Tim Smith, the slightly delusional, loser guy from the first four seasons of the show who has that special blend of obnoxiousness, overconfidence and zero actual game that drives the ladies wild. He delivers the pizza but at a time when no one is paying attention to the door, which closes behind him and locks him in as well. That leads to more together time and stupid “what if” games for them to play, i.e. if a person died, what part of them would you eat first if you had to do so to survive. It also leads to a teary showdown between Peyton and Lindsey, who make each other cry before finally clearing the air and realizing that they’ve both been acting like b*tches. Not long after, Tim declares he’s leaving and removes a metal divider from the ctner of the doorway that allows the doors to open even without the locks. The girls ask why he didn’t tell them about it before and he replies that he missed everyone and no one stays in touch. In the gym, the guys have their own hurdles to clear. Lucas, Nathan and Skillz have to prepare their underdog team to take on powerhouse LaSalle. Lucas is looking back to his late uncle Keith for inspiration and apparently finds what he needs, because at the end of the episode we find that his team got the win. There was one über-cheesy scene with Lucas and his team walking down the hall to the gym, coaches dressed in matching dark suits and players in their team warm-ups and unis, all walking in slow-mo with serious expressions on their faces and dramatic music playing in the background. Like Lucas, Mouth was also looking to his past and a loved one lost in the school shooting of Season Three for inspiration. As he took advantage of his first chance to be on the air as a TV reporter, Mouth called on the memory of his late friend and former broadcast buddy Jimmy Edwards. Mouth is looking for an angle for his story, something more than the run-of-the-mil game story about a high school basketball game. He finds it, telling a tale of how the game isn’t the real story, that it’s about the people in the game and their stories of growth, loss and overcoming adversity. Lucas and Nathan also get their own lesson in this area, looking up on the wall of the gym and seeing where the retired jersey of their imprisoned, murderer of a father, Dan Scott, had hung before being taken down after he became a convicted criminal. That’ll also be the central theme for next week, as somehow Dan has managed to get himself up for parole and Lucas and Nathan fight to stop him from getting out. So until then.....

A bad night of TV, a new Ray Davies album and the Patriots stonewell

- The New England Patriots uncooperative, evasive and resistant to people probing into their cheating ways? Are you sure? That doesn’t sound like the forthright, stand-up, high-integrity Pats I know. Well, to be fair it sounds exactly like them, which is a big part of the problem. Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Penn. is finding out what the rest of us already knew as he tries to investigate the Pats’ “Spygate” scandal. On Friday, Specter accused the New England Patriots of “stonewalling” and suggested the NFL might never get around to questioning key witness Matt Walsh, a former Patriots video assistant. The NFL contends that it’s moving forward and should have a deal in place allowing Walsh to testify with full legal protection. “My suspicion is that they're going to put enough conditions on it so that he won't talk,” Specter, a Republican from Pennsylvania, stated. “If they had wanted Walsh to talk, it would have been done a long time ago. They are not helped by keeping him on ice, unless they intend to [permanently] keep him on ice.” I love a good conspiracy theory as much as anyone and I’m interested to see how this plays out, but can someone tell me why this is Congress’ business? Specter is pressing this issue like it’s a matter of national security.  He’s gone so far as to sya that if the league gains Walsh's cooperation, he wants to be present when Walsh is questioned “because a witness' testimony can be shaded or molded by who questions him first.” Bro, calm down. Unless the Pats and NFL are planning a nuclear strike against Poland based on what Walsh tells them and are stockpiling biological weapons and viruses, I think you’re making far too much of this. Yes, Walsh has suggested that he has information, perhaps even materials, about the Patriots' video practices that could be potentially damaging. Yes, his attorney, Michael Levy, forwarded a proposal to the NFL's outside counsel seeking full indemnification for Walsh on Feb. 14. However, let’s not confuse this issue with something that actually matters in the greater scheme of things. It’s an NFL matter and one the league should handle. If the league is corrupt and isn’t handling this on the up-and-up, there’s still no substantive reason for Congress to be involved.

 

- Boy am I relieved. See, I thought that with Heroes already done for this season after a way-too-short campaign and Prison Break also having ended early due to the now-resolved writers’ strike, Monday night TV would devolve into a vacuous wasteland of crap. Much to my relief, a quick glance at the night’s TV schedule tells me that I was wrong. See, when you have shows like Deal or No Deal (with Mr. Creepy Hand Wave/Salute himself, Howie Mandel), My Dad is Better Than Your Dad, Pussycat Skanks/Dolls Present: Girlicious and FOX’s The Moment of Truth, you know you’re in good hands. After all, when you can watch a has-been, Mr. Clean look-a-like host a lame game show with a bunch of mystery briefcases, see random, uninteresting dads compete against each other in contrived, made-for-TV challenges, a bunch of untalented skanks in far too little clothing compete to form a crap-tacular new singing ground AND see people have their lives ruined by televised polygraph tests, life can’t get much better, right? Let this be a lesson to all of you who thought that the deal struck by writers and producers to end the strike was the turnaround point for this whole mess. The real effects are still being seen and will be for the rest of the season. Times like these prove that networks are run largely by morons, which makes the fact that they’re able to sell ad time and stay on the air even more remarkable.

 

- Never has the term “buy low” been so appropriate. If you’re looking to purchase a pro sports franchise and do so at its lowest possible point, there is no more fitting choice than the Miami Dolphins. Yes, this is the same team that ripped my heart out and crushed my dream of the reverse perfect season, 0-16, by inexplicably trying and winning a game after a spectacular 0-14 start. Now, owner Wayne Huizenga has sold off half of the team to Stephen Ross, who is chairman of Related Companies, an international real estate development company. “My heart does not want me to do this, but my head tells me it's the right thing to do,” Ross said. He also said he considered buying other NFL teams in the past, but the Dolphins were his preference. My man, you should have listened to your heart, because you just bought a lemon. Maybe see what the return policy is for NFL franchises, but this is one you’ll want to get out of. Negotiations began last April and became public in December. Speculation about a deal faded when Huizenga hired Bill Parcells as executive vice president of football operations and promised to remain majority owner. Since then, Parcells had proceeded to gut a talent-deprived roster and start the Dolphins on a downturn they must take in order to bottom out and start on their way back up. This is definitely one of those long-term investments for Ross, because the reality is that the ‘Fins are going to continue to suck for several years and he’s going to have to be extremely patient just to sniff the .500 mark. Plus, they still have that bad karma from ruining the reverse-perfect-season dream, so it’s a tough hill to climb.

 

- What a weekend of college basketball. Tennessee-Memphis was awesome, everything #1 vs. #2 should be. Big games get so much buildup now that they just can’t match the pre-game hype, but this game was awesome from start to finish. Memphis came out bombing from three-point range, but Tennessee withstood the deluge and it was a back and forth affair for the rest of the game, with Tennessee winning 66-62. Surprisingly, the Volunteers will now be ranked #1 for first time in the history of the program. The Tennessee women’s team has won seven national titles and been No. 1 many times, but for the UT men this is a first. One part of the weekend that didn’t live up to the hype was ESPN’s Bracket Busters. This is a concept that has run its course and then some. The concept is to pit mid-major teams that aren’t in the spotlight against one another and give them a chance to shine and get attention. What ends up happening is a bunch of games where teams desperately in need of a win end up playing a meaningless game that if they win does nothing for their tournament chances, and if they lose, it hurts those chances. Initially, the concept was fresh and new and had some value, but several years in it’s just a tired idea that needs to go the way of the dinosaurs. Meanwhile, most of the college basketball world was focused on Evanston, Ill. (bizarre, I know), where the Indiana Hoosiers managed to gather themselves in time to avoid throwing away an easy win at Northwestern in their first game post-Kelvin “Cheater” Sampson, 85-82. Northwestern pressed IU hard all night but thanks to the Basketball Jesus, Eric Gordon, the Hoosiers avoided an embarrassing loss and began the process of moving past their cheating, lying, arrogant former head coach. You also have to feel great for the Baylor Bears, a program that just a few years ago was on the verge of collapse and/or receiving the death penalty from the NCAA because of the Carlton Dotson murder scandal, the attempted cover-up by Dave Bliss and widespread corruption and misconduct in the program, but the Bears defeated Kansas State 92-86 Saturday night to boost their record to 18-8. I sincerely hope these guys make the NCAA Tournament, what a great story that would be. With March Madness looming in just a few weeks, the season is getting better by the minute and it’s almost that magical month of March, the best sports month of the whole year....

 

- Ray Davies has been a legendary figure on the music scene for more than three decades now, but most of that was for his efforts as the front man for the Kinks, one of the best rock acts of all-time. Now, Davies is going the solo route, having released his first solo project, Other People’s Lives, in 2006, and releasing his second solo album, Working Man’s Cafe, this week. For a man who has penned hits like You Really Got Me, A Well Respected Man and All Day and All of the Night, Davies has managed to do very well in his first two solo projects. Makign the transition is difficult, but he’s done it well. Davies brings the style, grit, flair and twang that made The Kinks a blast to listen to and infuses it into songs like Vietnam Cowboys, a rockabilly tune that kicks off the album. Ray’s estranged brother Dave didn’t help out on the album but longtime Kinks guitarist Mick Avory did. Davies touches on issues scuh as relationships, economic issues and more in an album that strives to have depth and meaning in a time when most artists simply sing whatever pre-procssed, slickly produced crap will sell the most units. Leave it to a great musician from a past era to come back and give us a good album in the here and now....

Roid-ger Clemens lies agai, Peruvian riots and an NFLer's offseason off to a bad start

- So remember during the recent congressional hearing when Roger Clemens said he absolutely, positively was not at the 1998 party at Jose Canseco's house in Miami where he and Canseco allegedly discussed using steroids? As it turns out, Roger Clemens lied. Yes, I know it’s shocking, but apparently true. After going to great lengths to get to his family’s former nanny who could allegedly put him at that party with her testimony and shut her up, er, help the congressional committee locate her, Clemens clearly forgot to cover all of his bases. According to the New York Daily News, there is a photo of Roger Clemens at Canseco's house during the June 1998 party. Richard Emery, one of the lawyers for Clemens' former trainer, Brian McNamee, said he knew of the photo. “We have reason to believe it's reliable evidence,” Emery stated. “We believe there's photographic evidence that shows Clemens was at a party he says he wasn't at.” This party is a pivotal occurrence in the case against Clemens, as it’s mentioned in the Mitchell report and was a focal point during the Feb. 13 hearing before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. The Mitchell report features comments from McNamee about him witnessing Canseco, Clemens and a third, unidentified person talking together. He didn’t hear their conversation, but McNamee said that some time after the party, “Clemens approached [him] and, for the first time, brought up the subject of using steroids,” according to the report. Circumstantial evidence, maybe. But with all of the other evidence building up against Roid-ger, it takes on added significance.  The bottom line here is that if it’s proved definitively that Clemens was at the part, which was hosted by Canseco for his Toronto Blue Jays teammates and their families while they were in town for a series against the Florida Marlins, he’s been caught in yet another lie because he has repeatedly denied being at Canseco's house for that event. But a young man reportedly has a photo of Clemens at the party, according to the Daily News. The man was just 11 years old at the time of the party, and took photos of various baseball players in attendance because they were his heroes, not because it was the birth of a steroids club that would ruin the rep of one of the alleged best pitchers of all time. McNamee has testified that he clearly recalls Clemens, his family and their nanny at Canseco's party, including describing the nanny as wearing a peach bikini and board shorts. Props on remembering the nanny’s outfit in such exquisite detail, McNamee, that doesn’t make you seem at all greasy or sleazy. In this case, though, he might be sleazy but he’s nowhere near as sleazy as the man he’s accusing. Keep fighting this one, Roid-ger, because the harder you fight, the deeper the hole you dig.

 

- Peru, you’re making me very proud. Peruvians did well Thursday when they went fell-on riot piling rocks and trees onto roads and blocking the track of a popular tourist train to protest two new laws passed by their government allowing more development near archaeological and historical sites. The blockage on the train tracks prevented a tourist train near famed historical site Machu Picchhu from makaing its scheduled runs. Good call on that one, Peruvian protestors. Hit the government where they’ll notice; in the wallet. Had you lit those road blockades on fire, you really would have been making a statement, but this is a good start. Also, you’re going to need to clash with police and force them to break out the riot gear if you plan on taking this to the next level. But I support your cause, because having your country or region turned into some cheesy tourist trap sucks, without a doubt.

 

- How to spend your offseason from the NFL after your team posts a disappointing year? Some guys might elect to hit the gym hardcore, dedicate themselves to improving their game and coming out next season looking to right their team’s ship. Other guys might decide to roll around in their whip with their brother, get high and cause a traffic accident. Philadelphia Eagles defensive tackle Mike Patterson is one player who falls into the latter category and he’s now facing drug possession charges after being arrested in the southern New Jersey town where he lives. According to police reports, Evesham Township, N.J. police said Patterson, 24, was arrested along with his brother early on Feb. 16 after they approached a vehicle that had apparently been in a minor accident and smelled what appeared to be burning marijuana coming from the car. Believe it or not, Patterson and his brother, Tyrone Patterson, 28, were inside the car, and when police searched the vehicle, also found a small quantity of the hippie lettuce inside the car. The police then arrested and charged Mike Patterson with possession of marijuana under 50 grams and was released. But as with any good story of an athlete getting busted by the cops, the tale doesn’t end there because one of the knuckleheads they’re rolling with can’t let the cops get away with hassling their boy. Tyrone Patterson clearly did not like getting busted for weed possession and seeing his little bro get popped as well, so he fought the cops and ended up getting himself charged with resisting arrest. If you’re looking for a silver lining here, I guess you can score one for family unity. After all, the family that gets busted for possession of the chronic together stays together, right? Well, they stay in jail for the night, anyhow. Well done, Patterson Bros., this looks like the start to a very productive offseason.....

 

- B.O. is running wild in the Democratic Party, continuing to rip the nomination from the mannish hands of Sen. Hank Clinton. Barack Obama is not only ahead in delegates on his way to the 2,125 needed to secure the party’s nomination, he’s also narrowing the gap in terms of superdelegates, the Democratic officeholders and party officials who automatically attend the convention and are free to vote for whomever they choose. In the past two weeks alone, 25 superdelegates have gotten behind Obama and others who were previously supporting Clinton have declared themselves now undecided as to who they will vote for. Better yet, none of Obama’s previously committed superdelegates have backed off of supporting him. Many delegates are citing the wishes of the people as the reason for their change of heart. They say that it’s important for them to support the candidate that the people choose. If I may be so bold as to speak on behalf of all voters and to the superdelegates, I would say this: Please, please don’t vote for Hank Clinton. That dude scares us and Hank’s femi-Nazi ways are not what we want in a leader. Barack Obama may have his flaws, but we’ll take him over Han eight days a week. So c’mon, America, we’ve got the B.O. train rolling, let’s give it as much momentum as possible so it runs right over Hank and keeps on going!

 

- Prepare for a deluge of coloring books, Curious George tomes and lots of Cat in the Hat literary works, Southern Methodist University. The Dallas-based school has been given the dubious honor of being the site of W’s presidential library, a decision made over the anguished cries of faculty and students who don’t want their school to be home to the library of the worst president in world history. I actually happened to get an advanced look at the plans for this place and I have to admit that I too have concerns. For example, 3/4 of the shelf space is devoted to books on starting and maintaining unjustified wars while lying to the American people about the real reasons for said war. Also, there are no books in the entire place about a second-grade reading level. That’s real problem, because the library may be in honor of W., but that doesn’t mean its contents should reflect his deficient IQ. I do hope there’s room for books on “strategery” and on 1,001 ways to mangle the names of foreign leaders, because those are two topics that scream W. Sorry for your loss, SMU, I really am....

Kelvin Smapson goes, Prison Break returns and so does Great White

- Indiana University made the right decision. However you want to slice it, getting rid of the lying, cheating, arrogant, dishonest piece of garbage that is Kelvin Sampson was the absolute right choice. Sampson clearly didn’t learn from the mistakes he made at Oklahoma and/or was so arrogant as to think he could get away with them all over again at Indiana. He had to go, so news that Indiana and Kelvin Sampson reached a $750,000 settlement Friday that allowed the university to part ways with the duplicitous Sampson. “I am very sorry to see our relationship with Coach Sampson end this way, but we have to focus on doing what's best for the long-term interests of IU and its men's basketball team,” athletic director Rick Greenspan said in the statement. Roughly translated, Greenspan said, “This guy f’ed us over and dragged our basketball program down into the mud. We’re pushing the eject button on this mess ASAP and hoping the NCAA doesn’t sanction us too harshly.” The deal calls for Sampson to be paid $750,000, $550,000 of which is being provided by an anonymous donor, the release said. I love that part of the deal, that some anonymous donor and supporter of the basketball program is ponying up more than half a mil. I just hope it was taped in an un-labeled envelope under the back bumper of Sampson’s car in a parking garage in some obscure corner of the IU campus. In exchange for the payoff, Sampson has agreed he will not file a wrongful termination lawsuit against Indiana. The Hoosiers will now be coached by assistant coach Dan Dakich, who will be named interim coach. As long as he knows not to make hundreds of illegal phone calls to recruits, he’ll be a marked improvement over Sampson.  The Hoosiers took on Northwestern today in Evanston, Ill., and all the team’s players were in uniform. In other words, whichever grammatically-challenged idiot that told Greenspan that if Sampson ain’t coaching, the players ain’t playing was full of hot air. “They (the players) have been playing their hearts out on the court in spite of all the controversy and media attention that has been focused on this issue,” Indiana president Michael McRobbie said in the release. “I am grateful to each and every one of them for their perseverance and loyalty to this university.” I sincerely hope for the sake of IU’s players that they have a great rest of the season, largely because Sampson won't get the chance to enjoy it and doesn’t deserve to.

- Some good news courtesy of tvguide.com. The site had previously been reporting that the fate of FOX’s best show, Prison Break, was uncertain in terms of the show being renewed for a fourth season. Season Three wrapped up this past Monday and although it was a truncated season and not consistently great as PB has been in its first two seasons, it was still one of the five best shows on TV. Now, tvguide.com is saying that the show is all but assured of a fourth season, meaning that come fall, Michael Scofield will indeed get the chance to pursuer Gretchen, Whistler and Mahone and exact revenge on the Company for the death of his beloved Sarah Tancredi. I can honestly say that I would have been extremely pissed and disappointed if the show had ended now, partially because it’s still such a good show and partly because it would have been left totally unfinished. But now that’s an issue we don’t have to deal with, something that TV fans can be grateful for.

 

- Five years after a nightclub fire at a West Warwick, R.I. club that killed 100 of its fans, the band Great White is back on tour to promote its new album. After reuniting last year to celebrate the band’s 25th anniversary, the surviving members of the group began work on a new album, its first since the fire in West Warwick that took the life of guitarist Ty Longley and those 100 fans. They’ve avoided going back to Rhode Island, mostly because the families and friends of victims still hold the band largely responsible for the fire because it was their pyrotechnics that started the blaze. Other contributing factors escalated the blaze and prevented patrons from getting out of the bar in time, but in the mind of many Rhode Islanders, Great White is the chief culprit. The fallout from the incident could be seen at a recent gig in Cincinnati, where fire and police personnel showed up just to make sure that Great White wouldn’t be using any pyrotechnics in their show. Yeah, I think they’ve learned their lesson on that one. If they so much as light a sparkler on stage in one of their shows now, the entire crowd is going to go sprinting for the exits. Here’s to a much safer tour this time around.....

 

- If only there were more of this kind of action in men’s professional tennis, I might actually be interested in watching. Italian tennis player Potito Starace, the No. 35 player in the world and someone none of us would know if he hadn’t gone knucklehead, has lambasted Argentinean soccer idol Diego Maradona for insulting him during his quarterfinal loss to Argentina's David Nalbandian in the Buenos Aires Open. Maradona was on hand to support his countryman, but Starace, a fan of Maradona's former team Napoli, took great offense to his conduct. “Maradona insulted me as soon as the match began,” Starace told Italy's Radio Kiss Kiss on Saturday. “Diego made me lose my head, I went to the umpire and I said to him: 'Either you throw him out or I'll go bash a racket in his teeth.'” That doesn’t say good things about you, P., that a fan in the stands was able to rattle you that badly. If you can’t handle one heckler, how can you expect to handle the pressure of a high-profile match at Wimbledon or the U.S. Open? I hadn’t heard from Maradona since he went on a food-and-beer bender that sent him to the hospital last year (yes, dude actually grubbed himself right into the emergency room), but glad to see D. Maradona alive and well. No, I mean it, because this guy is a notorious drug addict and if I don’t hear from him every now and then, I really wonder whether he’s still alive. Starace, became increasingly irate during his 4-6, 7-6, 6-4 defeat. “I have always been a big fan of Napoli and Maradona and before the match I told journalists I would like to meet him. But I was very disappointed by his behavior,” he said. “I know that at the end of the match he came down to the dressing rooms but I had already left because I was very angry.” Potito, you need to get a hold of yourself, my man, because if you can get hooked and thrown off your game by an over-eating, washed-up junkie/former soccer star, then your tennis career is going to flame out in spectacular fashion any time you face any sort of adversity and No. 35 in the world is as high as you’ll go, amigo.

 

- Today we salute two world-class scumbags for their respective attempts to benefit from the two biggest disasters to strike the United States in years. Hurricane Katrina and the 9/11 attacks were tragedies and devastating incidents in different ways, but one thing they have in common is that scumbags out there tried to benefit from them to the detriment of their fellow citizens. Thomas Cousar, 54, and two of his employees at Capco Contracting in McKeesport, Pa. have plead guilty to participating in a scheme to defraud the federal government in the reconstruction of the Pentagon after the 2001 terrorist attacks. Cousar and his two stooges helped to overcharge the government $850,000 for work done in rebuilding the Pentagon. Great work, fellas. I know you probably thought what the hey, no one’s going to notice, it’s not like we’re bilking them out of tens of millions of dollars, right? Because what’s $850K on a job costing many tens of millions of dollars? And who would care that you’re looking to benefit financially from a horrible tragedy that took the lives of hundreds of innocent people? Fortunately for these tools, they do not stand alone on this day for their totally reprehensible, disgusting and classless profiteering off of tragedy. They are joined by another trio of tools, led by a prominent Mississippi attorney. Richard Scruggs, his son Zack and his law partner Sidney Backstrom found themselves in a dispute over a mass settlement of $26.5 million in Hurricane Katrina insurance lawsuits. Being in a tight spot and fearing that the case wouldn’t go their way, meaning they wouldn’t make nearly as much money, Scruggs, little Scruggs and Backstrom did what all reputable, intelligent lawyers do: bribe the judge in their case. For some reason, this plan backfired and now the trio faces indictment on federal bribery charges. Yeah, judges are funny like that. They tend to get pissed when lawyers in cases before them try to buy them off. And save the excuse that you were fighting for your clients and trying to get them the justice they deserved. 1) You don’t buy justice if things don’t go your way, and 2) You stood to benefit from your clients winning the case, so your actions were very much self-serving. As always, thanks to these two trios, my belief that the world is full of pieces of crap is confirmed, thanks for nothing guys.

Bribery makes the world go 'round, Kelvin Sampson inspires his players to be stupid too and an idiot in Las Vegas

- Regardless of who’s in the Oval Office or which party controls Congress, bribery makes the political world go ‘round. Keeping that spirit of bribery alive and well is hard work, especially given the fact that some people out there in our country inexplicably seem intent on find, prosecuting and putting behind bars people who engage in bribery. Like you, I’m mystified when good citizens like defense contractor Brent Wilkes are put in prison. Wilkes was sentenced to 12 years in federal prison this week for bribing former Rep. Randy Cunningham with cash, trips, hookers and other gifts in exchange for nearly $90 million in Pentagon work. Wilkes was convicted on 13 counts of bribery, conspiracy and wire fraud. And why? For chasing the American dream of becoming wealthy? For hooking up his local congressman with some extra spending money, a much-needed vacation or ten and some hookers? Who among us hasn’t given our senator or representative a hooker as a gift? How many of you haven’t taken one of your state’s two U.S. senators on a tropical vacation to the Bahamas or on a fishing trip? There are a lot of times when I just don’t get the American judicial system and this is one of those times. Enjoy your stint in that cushy federal prison, Brent, I’m sure you’ll serve less than a third of your sentence anyhow....

- It really is heartwarming to see that Indiana University basketball players aren’t going to leave their coach hanging in his acts of stupidity. Kelvin Sampson may have proved he’s an unscrupulous moron by committing the very same rules violations at Indiana that he committed at the University of Oklahoma and was heavily sanctioned by the NCAA for, but his players have proved that as dumb as their coach can be, they can be just as stupid. With the school preparing to announce Sampson’s fate as IU coach amid rumors that he has committed at least five new violations of NCAA rules by making hundreds of illegal phone calls to recruits, IU athletic director Rick Greenspan met with the men’s basketball team to inform them about what’s going on and to get their input. Needless to say that some players were very unhappy about the news that their coach was going to be suspended and/or fired. According to an anonymous source, one player told Greenspan, “We don’t care what you do, but if Sampson ain’t coaching, then we ain’t playing.” This statement is moronic on two fronts, which is quite an accomplishment. First, this player, whoever he is, manages to trample all over the English language in a way rarely seen this side of W. or Mike Tyson. How you can be accepted into any college or university when that’s your way of speaking is amazing. But secondly, and more moronically, you’re telling me that you’re throwing away your basketball career for a guy who has now broken the rules twice and is willing to lie to anyone he has to lie to in order to get what he wants? You really think a guy that dishonest is never going to lie to you? The seniors on the team would be especially ill-served by quitting because this is their last go around, period. If they quit, their basketball career is over and they are forever branded quitters. Anyone in that locker room thinking about quitting because Sampson is no longer coaching the team needs to think again. My guess is that this is just the normal, emotional response from guys backed into a corner and that once these players have a chance to think things through, as mad as they may be, they’re not quitting. Then again, anyone dimwitted enough to use the word “ain’t” twice in one sentence just might be enough of an idiot to quit.....

- Oh, so close. A Las Vegas man thought he had made a rare find, a poster-size photo of Marilyn Monroe posing nude as a hitchhiker, stored in belongings at his home that he was sorting through. Lawrence Nicastro, 73, believed that the picture, which shows a blond woman posing in nothing more than heels and a handbag and clutching a cigarette, was left by a customer at his service station in the Bronx in 1962. Nicastro and his wife spent time and effort researching the photo and even called in Chris Harris, a publicist and Monroe expert, for help in verifying their find. Even Harris was initially fooled by the identity of the woman in the picture, but as he and the Nicastros prepared a press conference to announce their find (and I’m sure the Nicastros hoped it would land them a sizeable chunk of change), someone who got a look at the picture let them in on a little secret: the photo was actually from a more modern slut, Madonna. It appeared in her 1992 book, officially titled Sex, but which should have been titled I’m a Whore and a Musical Hack: The Early Years. The book of risqué pictures contained the image Nicastro had a copy of, so he’ll have to find fame and fortune some other way.

- I like your thinking, Michael Moore. That statement could encompass so much since Moore has been such a vocal critic of our Idiot in Chief W., but on this particular occasion it refers to Moore’s comments that he should bring newly-retired Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to the Oscars with him on Sunday. Castro just stepped down earlier this week due to health and other concerns and since Moore’s most recent film Sicko shows Moore taking sick American citizens to Cuba and receiving first-class health care that was denied to them in the U.S., Moore says maybe he should bring the island nation’s former leader to the Oscars with him. “I got some great news today because I was trying to figure out how I was going to get Castro into the Oscars and for me. he resigns today so he can come to L.A. and go as my guest and perhaps give the acceptance speech,” Moore said Wednesday. “I’m telling you, that’s a ratings grabber.” I applaud your thinking, Mike, but not because I support Communism or Castro. I just loathe these self-congratulatory schmooze-fest awards shows where rich, famous people kiss each other’s a**. Having Castro there with his ratty, dictator beard and wearing those ugly green fatigues would be awesome if for no other reason than to make a mockery of the Oscars. Who wouldn’t love to see Castro wedged in between Tom Hanks and Martin Scorscese, both of them wearing their black tuxedos, looking at horror in the fatigue-clad former dictator sitting next to them? Who doesn’t want to see Fidel’s reaction as Clint Eastwood or the director of Juno accepts their Oscar? It can’t make the show any worse, that’s for sure. Heck, maybe you can even employ Castro as the bouncer to remove people from stage when their acceptance speeches go to long. Y’know, have them taken into captivity and tortured just like he used to do to dissidents back when he was running Cuba. That’s sure speed things up. So bring on Fidel and I might actually consider watching the Oscars this year.....

- We have a very special offer for you today: 2-for-1 pricing on protests and riots. Yes, the Riot Watch is back with a double dose of dissident goodness. First we go to Armenia, where thousands of angry opposition protestors took to the streets to speak out against Prime Minister Serge Sarkisian’s victory in the country’s presidential election. Not surprisingly, the opposition groups in Armenia are questioning the fairness and legitimacy of the election, always a go-to move when your candidate doesn’t win. The protestors marched through the streets of the nation’s capital and made themselves heard. However, they didn’t make themselves heard nearly as loudly as a mob of 2,000 people in Brazil who went medieval in opposing federal agents seeking to crack down on illegal Amazon logging. Many of the rioters work in log mills in the affected area, so their motivation for opposing the logging restrictions is obviously saving their own hides. As a result, they burned tires, blocked roads and attacked the agents themselves. Let’s see....burning things, check....property destruction, check.....blocking roads, check.....physical attacks on The Man, check. I think the only things we’re missing here for a truly epic protest are the use of tear gas, water cannons and clubs by the police. But other than that, a solid effort by the Brazilians, I’d score it an 8.4 on the Riot-O-Meter. A great day for rioting around the world, though, props to my Brazilian and Armenian riot brothers.....

The NFL figures out how to relax, Lost has a new episode I like and the WNBA still a joke

- This is a first, and not in a good way. College basketball players skipping their remaining collegiate eligibility to turn pro is not new, but to the best of my knowledge, this is the first time a female player has done so, which prompts me to ask an important question: why? Word is that All-American forward Candace Parker will skip her senior season at Tennessee and turn pro. The redshirt junior will graduate at the end of this season and wants to participate in the Summer Olympics and pursue a professional career, coach Pat Summitt said Thursday. Really? Does she know that her professional career is going to be in the WNBA, which isn’t even a real professional sports league? It’s a charity project sustained by the NBA in some misguided quest for gender equality in sports. Now I understand that Parker is graduating and maybe she doesn’t have an interest in grad school and hanging around Knoxville for another year. But when the alternative is going to play in the WNBA, another year of college for free and being a big name on campus is a great option. “Obviously we'd love to have her another year,” Summitt told The Associated Press. “Who wouldn't?” The rest of the world outside of women’s college basketball, that’s who Pat. No one out here is going to care about C. Parker because none of us care about the WNBA. Parker may lead her team in scoring with 20.6 points per game and rebounds with 8.8 per game, and she may also be one of six women to have dunked in the college game (the weakest “dunk” I’ve ever seen, she barely tapped the rim). By skipping her final year of eligibility, Parker has the chance to enter the WNBA draft in April. She would likely go as the top pick, which is currently held by the Los Angeles Sparks. Great, can a single one of you tell me a single player on the Sparks’ roster, or any other WNBA roster for that matter? As backwards as it sounds, women’s college basketball in this country is a better and more prestigious gig than women’s professional basketball. Wrong choice, C. Parker, and I have a feeling you’ll find that out soon.

- Well that was one of the simpler episodes of Lost I can remember in any of the show’s four seasons. No mythical, supernatural occurrences, no plethora of plot twists to confuse and no real misdirection. I think the final scene was supposed to come as a surprise, but anyone with a working brain cell or two saw it coming. But let’s start at the beginning....this episode was all about Kate. The flash forwards told us that she not only made it off the island, which we already knew from last season’s finale, but that after her return she was put on trial for the same crimes - murder, fraud, extortion, fleeing the feds - that she was charged with before the crash of Oceanic 815. Her mother is the chief witness against her in this trial and Kate’s attorney wants to use the remnants of her experience as a crash survivor to garner sympathy from the jury. He succeeds in one sense; Jack Sheppard comes to testify on Kate’s behalf. However, Kate wont agree to have her son - yes, she has a child, but not in the way you might think - in the courtroom to get her some sympathy. Her mother actually offers to not testify if she can see her grandchild, but Kate refuses. Still, Kate’s mom is very ill and eventually is unable to testify because of her health problems. Thus, Kate gets off with a plea under which she serves no additional jail time. She’s met outside the courthouse by Jack and she invites him to follow her home to visit “us” but he refuses. She tells him that she understands why he doesn’t want to visit, but that until he does, she won't have a relationship with him When Kate returns home, we find out that “her” child really isn’t hers - it’s Aaron, Claire’s baby from the island. Why isn’t this a surprise? Well, because in a scene back in the present, as Kate and Claire hang out laundry outside the former houses in the former barracks of the Others, where Locke has led his band of survivors to live, Claire asks Kate to pick up a crying Aaron and hold him to stop his crying. Kate refuses on the grounds that she’s not good with babies and doesn’t want to further upset Aaron. Claire picks him up, rocks him and calms him down, then tells Kate she should consider becoming a mother some day. This moment is interspersed among the flash forwards with Kate in the midst of the trial and talking about “her” son, so it was clear long before the end of the episode who the child really was. Kate was also busy back in the present talking to Miles Straume, a member of the freighter crew now on the island, purportedly trying to rescue the crash survivors. Kate tricks Hurley into telling her where Miles is being kept after Locke refuses to tell her. She goes to see Miles and asks what he knows about her life off the island - i.e. does he know she’s a wanted felon. He promises to tell her if she can get him oen minute to talk directly to Ben. Kate enlists Sawyer, who helps divert Locke while Kate sneaks Miles into the basement of Ben’s former house, the house where Locke is now living and keeping Ben prisoner, and Miles tells Ben that he’s willing to lie and tell the people who sent him to find Ben that Ben is already dead - as long as Ben gives Miles $3.2 million. Locke, accompanied by Sawyer (in on Kate’s plan) finds Kate and Miles as they try to lerave the basement. Later in the night, Locke confronts Kate and asks her what Miles said to Ben. She tells him and he then tells her that she is no longer welcome in the barracks. She’s to be gone by morning but instead goes to see Sawyer, ends up sleeping with him and spends the night. In the morning, Kate’s refusal to fool around more leads Sawyer to question her about her hesitancy and leads to her telling him that she is in fact not pregnant as she previously feared after they had slept together in Season 3. When Sawyer reacts with relief, Kate is pissed and an argument ensues. It ends with Kate bitch-slapping Sawyer when he promises that sooner or later, she’ll get angry at Jack again and come crawling back to him. Speaking of Jack....he and Juliet are back at the beach, having seen Desmond and Sayid leave on the helicopter with Frank, a member of the freighter team, in last week’s episode. The only thing of note to happen on this front this week is that Jack and Juliet try to contact the freighter all episode long to get in touch with Desmond and Sayid. They finally get through thanks to help from Charlotte but are stunned and confused to learn that the helicopter hasn’t arrived yet despite having taken off more than a day ago. The teaser for next week tells us we’ll find out more about this topic then, so hold tight. One odd bit of the show that doesn’t mean much yet came when Daniel, also from the rescue team, is playing some sort of card/memory game with Charlotte, is only able to remember two of three overturned cards in the game and is frustrated. Charlotte says his remembering two of three is progress, but progress from what is the question? Again, I’m sure that will come up again as the season goes on, but everything about Daniel is odd, so this is nothing new. Again, this was a pretty simple episode. No Desmond, no Sayid, no Danielle Rousseau, only one fleeting scene of Hurley, so it was kept to a select few this episode. That’s all for now, though.....

- Here’s a question: When going overseas to fight in and possibly die fighting in an unnecessary, unjustified, moronic, unending, debacle of a war that should never have started, does having your tour of duty shortened by three months really make a big difference? In some sense, I suppose it does for U.S. soldiers who will now be limited (allegedly) to 12 months in Iraq at a time as opposed to the 15 months (yeah, 15, good one, sounds like typical fuzzy W. math to me) that has previously been the standard. The Army’s top general, Gen. George Casey, said yesterday that soldiers deployed this summer will likely see their tours of duty shortened from 15 months to 12 months even if W. does the expected and reneges on the troop cuts he promised in July. Actually, it’s not really a promise at all if it concerns W. doing anything to end this unjustified atrocity of a war, it’s more like a total fabrication designed to placate the American people. So Gen. Casey, thanks for the info, but 12 months in Iraq for any U.S. soldier is still 12 months more than any of them should be there.

- Apparently toxic dumplings, toxic toothpaste and led-paint laced toys are enough to inspire the United States Olympic Committee to take drastic measures for the upcoming Olympics in Beijing. After one lethal, toxic Chinese product and food item after another, the USOC has decided to bring its own food to China to feed American athletes. The decision has disappointed the head of food services for the Beijing Olympics, but honestly, who gives a crap? “I feel it's a pity that they [the Americans] decided to take their own food,” Kang Yi, the head of the food division for the Beijing organizing committee, said Thursday. Well, Kang, from what I hear there is good reason for concern. Aside from the above-mentioned products, some USOC reps have reported that they’ve seen chicken breasts as big as 14 inches on the birds that will provide the meat for the athletes at the Summer Olympics. Yeah, because that’s natural, 14-inch chicken breasts. American officials are certain that there are steroids and lots of them pumping through the veins of the birds to be used for food for the athletes and don’t want any U.S. athletes testing positive because they ate a tainted bird. Instead, the USOC is planning to transport tons of meat and other foods to a training camp at Beijing Normal University. The 600-plus American athletes are expected to eat their daily meals at the Athletes Village, USOC spokesman Darryl Seibel said. But the U.S. delegation also includes an additional 400-plus personnel - support coaches, trainers, etc. - who are not eligible for food service at the village and therefore will eat most of their meals at Beijing Normal. The food service at Beijing Normal will serve as a supplement to the village, which will house about 17,000 athletes and officials during the Aug. 8-24 Games and be capable of serving 6,000 meals simultaneously. “We have absolutely no concerns about the quality and safety of the food in the Athletes Village,” Seibel said. “Also, we will be sourcing products from local suppliers for our training table, in addition to bringing some products with us. We had the same approach during the Athens and Torino Games, as well.” In other words, they have major concerns and just don’t want to say it publicly. They’ll bring their own food and quietly make sure it gets to their athletes instead of the grub being supplied at the Olympic Village. “We have made lots of preparations to ensure that they [athletes] can get together at the Olympic Games,” Kang said on Thursday. Get together, yes. Use your country’s dangerous, toxic, ‘roid-fueled food and assorted other projects? No, Kang, I don’t think we want to do that....

- How very big of you, NFL. In an oh, so magnanimous decision, the NFL has decreed from on high that it will allow church groups to show the Super Bowl on large-screen televisions, reversing a policy had drawn intense criticism from elected officials. In a letter to U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah), NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league will no longer object to “live showings -- regardless of screen size -- of the Super Bowl” by religious organizations. Previously, stories had been circulating about church groups canceling Super Bowl parties over fear of legal action by the NFL, a development which led to protests by some lawmakers and conservative leaders. Normally you’d only see this pop up when people are bootlegging movies or pay-per-views, but an obscure NFL policy holds that organizations showing public viewings of its games on televisions larger than 55 inches violate the league's copyright. The league has made sports bars exempt from the policy, so people can booze it up and eat peanuts out of a filthy, communal bowl, but last year, the NFL sent letters to two church groups, advising them of the rule against them showing the game on their big screens. This year, the league’s tune has changed. In its letter to Hatch, the NFL said it would not object to big-screen viewings in churches as long as they are free and held on premises that the church uses on a “routine and customary” basis, according to the report. Thanks for that, NFL. Wouldn’t want churches gathering members together to watch the biggest game in all of sports at their church, right? Maybe if they were alcoholics who wanted to go to their local bar it’d be cool. But thankfully, the almighty NFL has relented and stopped treating churches like they’re a bunch of freaking criminals.

I explain things to Bar-roid Bonds, I debunk a conspiracy theory and America, you have a case of B.O.

- If only someone had been able to see this coming....an aging, controversial slugger with bad knees, all sorts of baggage, no defensive ability, a ginormous ego and a federal perjury investigation hanging over his head is having a hard time finding a team to play for this baseball season. Yes folks, Bar-roid Bonds’ is feeling unwanted because not a single team has stepped up to sign the free agent outfielder with a head the same size as most planets. His agent, Jeff Borris, says the ex-Giants slugger “is in game shape right now.” Borris added, “The only thing he hasn't done is face live pitching. He's doing all the baseball drills he normally does as he works to get in shape for spring training. His legs are as solid as ever.” Why could Bonds be without a team? Well, the Giants let Bonds go after his record-breaking 2007 season, deciding to go with youth and ending the slugger's 15-year run as the starting left fielder, but also a clubhouse distraction and point of constant controversy. While Bonds had 28 home runs and a .480 on-base percentage in 340 at-bats last season, he will turn 44 in July and has played the last few seasons with a balky right knee. He had his own personal compound in one corner of the locker room, complete with a leather recliner and flat screen TV. Former teammate Barry Zito recently said the team is much better off without Bonds because people are more free to be themselves. And oh yeah, Bar-roid also faces a federal indictment on multiple counts of perjury and obstruction of justice, stemming from his testimony in the BALCO investigation. His agent can argue that he’s in great shape, but great shape for a 44-year-old with bad knees, a pending federal indictment and reputation as an egomaniac who divides clubhouses is a different animal. Giants’ owner Peter Magowan summed it up best: “He has the statistics that would indicate he can still play,” Magowan said. “[But] it's not up to me to get him hired someplace. It's not my job.” In other words, the team he’s played the bulk of his career with can’t stand him anymore and he has far too much baggage for anyone else to sign him either. Sorry, Bar-roid, but you did this to yourself.

- If there’s a bigger waste of judicial time and resources than investigating a mythical conspiracy in a car accident that happened 11 years ago, I can’t think of it. It continues to be incredibly moronic that the coroner’s inquest into what the Mohamed Al Fayed insists is a dark conspiracy involving nearly every member of the British royal family to kill his son and Princess Diana rages on. This dude is wealthy enough to be financing this entire mess with money from under his sofa cushions and he really should be paying for it because it’s a ginormous waste of time. Fayed alleges that the royal family wouldn’t accept their princess marrying a Muslim man and thus engineered the fatal crash that took both their lives. His lame theory insists that Prince Charles, former Prime Minister Tony Blair and Prince Philip were all involved in the plot. Sure thing, Mohamed. Which of them was on the grassy knoll and fired the rifle? Were there UFO’s involved? What about aliens? Was Jimmy Hoffa in on this somehow? Were he and Elvis passengers in a car that ran Diana and your son off the road that night? Seriously dude, I know the pain of losing your son is never going to go away, but you need to stop searching for some massive conspiracy so you can pin blame on someone else. It was an accident, and yes there was some negligence involved, but no one plotted to make it happen you your delusional self needs to own up to that fact.

- Wisconsin has a case of B.O. and I couldn’t be prouder of you Wisconsonians. Yesterday Wisconsin voters handed Barack Obama his ninth straight primary win, further widening his narrow lead over Sen. Hank Clinton in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. Obama won by a wide margin in a win that further decimated a Clinton campaign that had been the frontrunner for much of the race. Even Hank’s main base of support in Wisconsin, white women, split evenly between Hank and Obama. In typical Hank fashion, a campaigning Clinton made no mention of that defeat at a rally in Youngstown, Ohio. You do have to hand it that Hank. That dude is doing a great job of pretending like the race isn’t going the wrong way in a hurry. The big primaries still on the schedule are Ohio and Texas on March 4, but hopefully Obama’s momentum will carry him to victory in both of those places where Hank Clinton had previously been in the lead. After all, Hank had previously had control over the whole race and now that’s changed, so why not her standing in Ohio and Texas? C’mon, America, B.O. is sweeping the nation and you need to catch the fever....

- Spring Training has barely started for Major League Baseball, but the scoreboard already reads: Sliding Glass Doors 1, Players 0. In the case of Player v. Door I, Houston Astros outfielder Hunter Pence came out the loser. Pence will miss about a week of workouts because he accidentally walked through a sliding glass door Monday night at his spring-training apartment. He suffered cuts on his left knee and the base of his right index finger. “It’s embarrassing, but I'm not one to get embarrassed," Pence said. Oh no, bro, you need to be embarrassed about this one. Jay Witasick injuring his elbow throwing out a trash bag full of watermelon remains during spring training several years ago thinks you need to be embarrassed. As Pence tells the story, about 10 p.m. Monday, he and a female friend were outside on his apartment's deck. I assume alcohol was involved because of what happened next, and you’ll probably draw the same conclusion. Pence said he decided to go back inside and into the bathroom before he returned to get into a hot tub.
 Then he found out his friend had closed the door, which he discovered by walking into it. “It’s pretty silly to have this kind of freak accident happen, but I didn't think I would go through a glass door," Pence said. "Normally it wouldn't shatter like that, but somehow it shattered and I was stuck in the middle of a bunch of broken glass.” Hmm, wonder if he’ll get a second date? After all, if you send a dude to the hospital with all sorts of cuts and bleeding, the least you can do is go out with him again - after he ups his insurance coverage. Not a good start to the spring for the Astros, a team that floundered badly last year, mostly because of an inability to score runs. Pence, 24, is considered one of baseball's best young players. He hit .322 with 17 home runs and 69 runs batted in as a rookie last season, so they need his bat in the lineup, especially given the fact that their big off-season acquisition, shortstop Miguel Tejada, is a confirmed ‘roider who (probably) will never be the same without his, um, performance enhancers. Steer clear of doors for a while, Hunter, and next tiem stay in the hot tub with your lady friend.

- It pains me to have to do this, but on behalf of my alma mater, I am hereby revoking the degree of former University of Akron Zip Jason Taylor. And no, it had nothing to do with Taylor’s team, the Miami Dolphins, going 1-15 this past season and ripping my heart out by losing their first 13 games only to rip my heart out in Week 15 by inexplicably trying and winning against the Baltimore Ravens when the reverse perfect season was within reach. Nor does it have to do with Taylor than acting like he wasn’t a member of the worst team in NFL history and refusing to take part in the Pro Bowl because of an alleged injury. No, this is for something far worse. Taylor has gone over to the dark side, agreeing to appear on the next season of Dnacing With the (D-List) Stars. I really don’t know what other losers will be appearing this season, so don’t ask. One, I don’t care enough to find out, and two, after hearing Taylor will be associated with this glorified chick flick on network TV, I blacked out and just came to. What, the embarrassment of playing on the worst team in the history of your sport, a team led at quarterback by the immortal Cleo Lemon, wasn’t enough? you need to further forfeit any remaining masculinity and dude points by going on a show so incredibly lame and gay that even Richard Simmons thinks it’s sad? You and I clearly did not go to the same college, J. Our degrees may say that we went to the same school, but as of now, your degree is no longer valid, my man. I don’t even know you any more.....