- Rafer Alston was known as “Skip to My Loo” during his days as a street baller, but after Monday night he may be known as “Slash to My Throat.” The former New York City playground-legend-turned-NBA-player has been charged with felony assault after allegedly slitting another man’s throat in a brawl outside of a Manhattan nightclub Monday night. The playgrounds of New York are where Alston made a name for himself before going on to a moderately successful NBA career that has included stops in Toronto, Miami and Houston, his current team. This is Alston’s second brush with the law in the past month, as he was charged with misdemeanor assault and public intoxication by Houston police last month after he reportedly spit on another man when his car was towed. Overall, it’s good to see that Alston is making good use of his offseason, working on key elements of his game like his stab, er, jab step. I guess it really is true that you can take the guy out of the street, but you can’t ever take the street out of the guy. Rafer, my man, it’s time for you to realize that you’re an NBA player now, not a street baller. You just can’t be rolling the same way that you did back in the day. You have to avoid situations like this or your NBA career is going to be unnecessarily brief.
- No one likes public restrooms. They’re filthy, they’re often poorly maintained and the odors you encounter upon entering them often make you want to throw up. Bearing that in mind, I really have to take issue with Sen. Larry Craig, R-Ida., and his act at the Minneapolis Airport earlier this month. Craig was sitting on the toilet (never a good idea in a public restroom, hovering is much better) and Sgt. Dave Karsnia, a police officer stationed at the airport, was seated in the next stall. According to the police report, Craig leaned down, reached under the stall wall and tapped Karsnia on the foot, which Karsnia said he recognized as “a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct.” Craig then allegedly handed Karsnia a business card identifying himself as a member of the Senate and asked him, “What do you think about that?” I don’t know what Karsnia’s response was, but I know what mine would be. “Hey freak, get the heck away from me right away or you’re going to have me kicking your teeth down your throat.” Having to use an airport restroom is bad enough, you don’t need some 62-year-old, married pervert trying to engage in sexual freakery while you’re going to the bathroom. Craig pleaded guilty to one charge of misdemeanor disorderly conduct as a result of the incident, while a charge of gross (emphasis on gross) misdemeanor interference to privacy was dismissed. The $575 fine Craig was assessed for his crime should be a far lesser price than the ridicule and public scorn he ought to face as word of his perverted, sick fetish leaks out.
- A trial by jury is typically bad because as most people know, juries are typically comprised of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to find a way to get out of jury duty. If you are somehow unable to escape the call to duty, though, you’re probably not too happy when you show up to court. Your life is interrupted and inconvenienced, all so you can hear the facts in a case you don’t care about and a person you also do not care about. Potential jurors in Miami had to deal with something even more disturbing when they showed up for the start of a robbery and aggravated battery case: former Attorney General Janet “The Man” Reno was also a member of the jury pool for the case. I can’t think of anything scarier than being face to face in a showdown with that dude in jury deliberations when a disagreement arises. Do you want to be the one to tell him that he’s wrong and that he needs to change his vote? Fortunately for those who are selected for the jury, the odds the Reno will be selected are slim. Defense attorney Rod Vereen said he didn’t doubt that Reno would be a fair and qualified juror, but doubted that his client would want her on the case. “She hired the prosecutor,” Vereen explained. That’s a good reason to reject her, but so is the fact that I would not want to spend a trial with that dude lurking in the jury box a few feet away on the off chance that he gets angry at some of the testimony and decides to charge the defendant’s table. Use whatever excuse you have to, Vereen, but get Reno off that jury pronto.
- How very French of you, Nicolas Sarkozy. The French president warned Monday that it would be “catastrophic” to resort to using military force in confronting Iran over its suspected nuclear program. “For me, Iran having a nuclear weapon is unacceptable,” Sarkozy said in his first public remarks on the issue. However, Sarkozy went on to say that a military attack on Iran would be the wrong tact and urged that the West take the diplomatic path in resolving the issue. He also said Iran could take the diplomatic path or face further U.N. sanctions, proving once again that if it involves actual conflict of any kind, count the French out. Oh, by the way, I do happen to agree with Sarkozy on this one, what with America’s current plight of our own idiotic leader plunging us headlong into an unnecessary, unjustified, horrible conflict with a Middle East nation on the grounds of its developing nuclear weaponry and others “weapons of mass destruction” that never actually existed. Perhaps if Nicolas Sarkozy was our president, we could have avoided the whole massive-bloodshed dilemma in Iraq and the senseless deaths of thousands of American soldiers. So on second thought, I’m declaring myself an honorary Frenchman for the day and I’ll be enjoying a croissant and some smelly cheese, growing a mustache and wearing a beret while the rest of you go on with your American lives. Viva la France!
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