- I loves me some good ol’ fashioned political party bitch fighting, and that’s exactly what we have right now in a skirmish between the Democratic National Committee and the state of Florida. The DNC has delivered a resounding political bitch slap to the state of Florida by stripping the state of its delegates at next year’s national convention, where the party’s presidential candidate will be selected. The penalty was assessed because the Republican-controlled state legislature scheduled Florida’s primary elections for Jan. 29, a week (gasp!) earlier than the Feb. 5 date allowed by Democratic party rules. The move will render the Florida primaries meaningless unless a compromise can be reached in the next few weeks. The DNC views it as a warning shot to other states that might try to move their primaries up on the calendar and thus boost their importance in the election process. Caught in the middle of this are Florida Democrats, who I’m sure are thrilled to know that their role in selecting their party’s next presidential candidate (please, please don’t let it be Sen. Hank Clinton) has been rendered null and void. This is why I love politics – the bitch-fighting, pettiness, small-mindedness, total selfishness and self-absorption, with just the right amount of massive ego sprinkled in.
- Our long-running national nightmare is over America, and I am happy to declare to you that no, the terrorists have NOT won! No, I’m not referring to the cancellation and total annihilation of the entire American Karaoke franchise, although you can be sure I won't rest until that dream becomes a reality and we’re rid of Ryan Seacrest and his man-blouses once and for all. And no, I’m not talking about the New York Yankees missing baseball’s playoffs entirely, although that’s becoming more and more likely with each passing day and each successive blowout loss by the boys in pinstripes (nice 16-0 loss to Detroit, Yankees, you still suck). No, I’m referring to the fact that today the dumbest, most clueless, inept, dishonest and ass-hatted attorney general in U.S. history has tendered his resignation. May I be the first of millions (AND MILLIONS!) to raise a single middle finger in salute of your bloody, cataclysmic and abysmal tenure, Alberto Gonzales. As much as I will miss your clumsy, awkward, double-talking soliloquies before congressional committees, I am happy to see you go. Someone else will now have to orchestrate the politically motivated firings, strictly performance-based personnel decisions and dismissals of eight attorneys general for investigating too many Republicans and not enough Democrats, then lie about if and pass the buck repeatedly when Congress starts asking questions. For validation of Gonzales’ resignation and its rightness, you need look no further than his former leader W. W. steadfastly maintained that Gonzales should not resign, which in my book certifies without a doubt that Alberto needed to go. Anything W. says is good is really bad, anything he says is wrong is actually right, just live by that principle and you’ll be just fine. Adios, Alberto, you won't be missed.
- Let me help you out with a dilemma you may be facing, all of you guys out there. Scarlett Johansson has a new movie out, The Nanny Diaries, and your wife, fiancée or girlfriend is wanting to go see what is a quintessential chick flick. You’re waffling because as much as you hate chick flicks, you think that going to stare at Scarlett and her amazing body for two hours might make it a bit more palatable. However, despite that fact and the fact that there is occasionally a chick flick that is a decent movie (i.e. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, a very good movie), this is not a movie you should suffer through under any circumstances. Johansson is a recent college grad who takes a job as a nanny for a wealthy New York City family because she can’t land anything better, much to the dismay of her mother, who thought she would make a rapid ascent in the world of Wall Street. The movie tries to be cute, funny and endearing, but it succeeds in none of those things. You’ll be checking your watch less than half an hour in, wondering how long this can possibly stretch on. Unless you’ve done something really, really, really bad and you owe your significan’t other a massive debt that flowers, candy and lots and lots of jewelry can’t settle, do everything you can to avoid going to see this movie, you’ll thank me for it.
- The Michael Vick dogfighting case has drastically increased awareness of and scrutiny for the issue of animal cruelty in America, so it’s not at all surprising that a nosy neighbor called the police in Phoenix and reported that pit bulls at the home of rapper DMX were not being given sufficient food or water. Equally unsurprising is that when the police arrived at DMX’s home, the possible mistreatment of animals wasn’t the biggest legal issue they found. That’s because in searching the property, deputies found half a pound of illegal narcotics. Yes, that’s right, in the home of a major rap star, police found drugs. That may take some of you by surprise, because let’s face it, with the pristine, squeaky clean, law-abiding image that rappers tend to cultivate, you would never expect any of them to be in possession of such unsavory illegal substances. Nothing gives a guy more street cred that being a law-abiding, responsible citizen who never, ever goes anywhere near illegal drugs, right? This is just a wild guess on my part, but if you went and searched the homes of the top twenty rappers and hip hoppers right now, my guess is that you’d find plenty of illegal narcotics in nineteen of those homes at a minimum. Feed and water your dogs, DMX, and next time you won't have the problem of the cops poking around your home and finding your stash of blow, X or whatever it is you had on hand.
- So you still don’t believe that all of our American military efforts should be focused on Afghanistan and not Iraq? Well, I guess you haven’t heard the great news that for the second consecutive year, Afghanistan has produced record levels of opium. That tally includes a whopping 45 percent increase in production in the Helmand province, a Taliban stronghold that clearly is fulfilling its role in the country’s economy. So if we’ve invested just a portion of our military power in Afghanistan and we’ve already seen such promising results, why not go all-in? Let’s put all of our resources into this battle, that way we can take serious steps toward solving the true global crisis that would be posed by a major opium shortage. A major shortage of narcotics is something I don’t think any of us wants to see happen, so let’s all make sure we do everything we can to ensure that the country which produces the most opium of any nation in the world has another record-setting year in 2008.
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